To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

Eating food as a communal activity is extremely important to humans. How you do it is also important to social acceptance. Saying 'Feck it' I'll do it how I want is just about OK in you usual eating social group. Not conforming to the norms outside your group is going to cause you issues. The basic norms would include most of the OP post.

a phone is so many things in 2023 from a camera to a calculator to a calendar. If I want to show someone a photo on my phone, I’m rude now? As a young person, I genuinely don’t understand the issue and think it’s an archaic view

This is very true. Whilst it's obviously rude to sit there for ages on your phone, ignoring everybody else - just the same as it would be if you were sitting there reading an old-fashioned book - phones are central to so much of modern life and interaction.

I remember there was a time when people would scoff at anything they thought sounded even slightly outlandish and scornfully ask "Did you read that on the internet?!" People don't tend to do that now that it's by far the world's primary way of sharing and consuming information.

Similarly, the outrage there was when schools started using iPads in lessons; some folk were up in arms that children should be learning and not playing - as though the schools couldn't possibly be accessing text book material and genuine high-quality interactive educational resources on them!

For me this normal table manners. I'm trying to teach my children this, like saying please and thank you.

1-4 definitely familiar, 8 seems to have died in recent years, the others I didn't grow up with. None of it seems snobbish to me.

You're wrong about elbows but the rest is reasonable.

Basic

Agree with recent posts about phones.

All those rules are normal table manners.

As children we weren't allowed to leave the table unless we'd been excused.

Also, no one should leave the table until everyone has finished.
And plates should not be cleared until everyone has finished.

FIL really winds me up every Christmas dinner with his non existent table manners. I have to serve him last because his food will be gone before I've even sat down.

I was expecting some OTT stuff but everything you've listed I do myself.

Where else would you put your knife and fork when you have finished if not on the plate?

I think noisily eating and talking with mouth open and chewing is rude, as it can be considered annoying to others

But why would anyone care where people's knife and fork is or how they eat a bread roll

If it does not affect anyone else then yes snobbish

Yes…. That is correct. You should take a portion of butter on to your side plate with a small pile of salt(if that’s your thing) and butter each bit of bread individually. So much nicer to look at then someone stuffing their mouth with a roll!

I wonder if that’s regional. I was taught to tear for soup but cut into manageable pieces for other meals. I wouldn’t have a problem with biting into the roll though. Everything else listed was pretty standard.

All of those are normal table manners, which I certainly do, and notice when others don't!

Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

how do you read this and decide that it means “ tearing into tiny pieces”

But why would anyone care where people's knife and fork is

it’s a cue that you’ve finished your meal, I care when I see everyone’s knife and fork together as I can then clear - - but not before everyone has finished. If someone is still eating and I started clearing - it’d make some people feel awkward

You bet me to it 🤣

Agreed! Phew. The soup rule makes no sense. I love soup, often have it and have managed never to spill it in spite of not spooning from the far side of the bowl. The bread rule is batshit. Just eat it however you like!

I learned the soup one from Snow White when I was about 4 There's a whole scene where she's horrified watching the 7 dwarves' table manners.

I remember watching her eat soup 'backwards' and I was so confused. I tried it next time we had soup... It wasn't for me

I think generally people have more relaxed 'rules' at home compared to a restaurant, which is fine. My parents were quite strict at home until I got to the point where it was completely automatic - like getting in a car and putting your seatbelt on. Then we relaxed and had 'home manners' and 'restaurant manners' because I could be trusted not to embarrass them in public - my default was 'restaurant manners'

How do you cope with watching someone eating a sandwich?

I can see many reasons for the lack of table manners and most have to do with the British culture .
First many don't eat at a table but in front of TV, in bed, on sofa, car, walking, train...
Second, many parents don't eat with their kids. So hard to wait for the person who cooks to be finished
Third, there is a sandwich and crips national obsession so no knives or forks involved
Then many have take-aways or ready meals, so who do you thank? then delivery guy or the self check-out at Tesco?
Last what do you expect on the table manners front if everyone is obsessed with BLW.

Pretty standard I would think.

I was also encouraged to pour drinks for everyone else on the table before myself e.g jug of water or as an adult, wine.

Depends on what they're eating, where and whether they have learned the culturally appropriate/context appropriate way to eat that food.

If they're attempting to eat a roast dinner in a fine dining setting by diving in with their hands and everyone else is using a knife and fork, there are no finger bowls, etc AND they're well aware that this food in this setting would be eaten with a knife and fork, I'd think that a bit rude.

Equally if someone sits down to a meal traditionally eaten with fingers/bread/rice and made a song and dance about asking for a knife and fork where none were provided... that would be rude.

People like to take the piss out of DeBretts or deem etiquette some kind of malicious trick to weed out the undesirables but one of the rules is if you're not sure how a thing is done, you watch, discreetly and you copy. If everyone around you is scooping up rice and dahl with a chapatti, or curry with fufu, using their right hand, you do the same! You don't make a big deal about it or cause a scene!

Just fine (as long as they use a knife and fork).

I was in agreement with you until I got to 9 & 10