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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren and stuff

78 replies

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 13:55

So I have two step children and they live a fairly privileged life. Neither house is desperately short of money but over the years we have had more disposable money than their mums household and vis-versa. Peaks and troughs of life I suppose. Currently it is the other way around.

We have bought whatever they need and due to 50:50 we have tired to make sure they have everything they need here so they don’t end up dragging stuff from one house to another - this is a view not shared by mum who seems to delight in packing them suitcases for every stretch they have with us coupled with written letters of how much she misses them. Suitcases are barely opened and we have never mentioned them but pop them up next to their beds in their room.

However I am so sick of things we buy ending up at mums house never to return. Clothes, books, shoes, toys you name it. If clothes are worn from mums I wash them and pop them in their bag ready for return. If I find toys I quietly pop them back in the bag. No song and dance but I feel if it’s her money spent they should ‘live’ there and not be left here. Clothes is the worst as we have younger children, these could be worn again, but no they disappear never to be seen unless a massive argument is had between SC mum and dad then a bag comes back. We don’t wish to make it hard but if we have bought five pairs of trousers and only have one here how on earth is that fair! What’s worse is I’ve seen their mums younger child wearing clothes we have bought - not once but regularly. We don’t have money to be throwing away at the moment.

How do people deal with this as it really grates on us beyond ranting about it to each other when kids have gone to bed.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 28/10/2023 14:01

Why don't you just send them back in clothes from their mum, really simple?

Peoplemakemedespair · 28/10/2023 14:03

Keep their stuff at yours. Simple

Peoplemakemedespair · 28/10/2023 14:03

Or start keeping her stuff at yours. Point out the issue if she complains

SaracensMavericks · 28/10/2023 14:04

Yep, just don't let them take clothes and toys away from yours.

FloweryName · 28/10/2023 14:05

I’m not sure I’m following properly. You say that mum sends a suitcase that you barely look at and that she doesn’t send back things that you have bought.

From what I do follow, it really doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything wrong. The childrens belongings are just their belongings, it is horrible to enforce on them that they can only wear clothes that dad bought at dads house and that anything mum bought must only be used with her. It is hard enough being a child with two homes without them having to feel like their possessions are a problem for anyone.

Unless you’re seriously struggling to clothe the children in your home then I would let it go. It is a minor irritation, not a big deal.

What response do you get if your DH just sends a polite text asking if she can send the blue trousers or whatever in the the suitcase?

TeaKitten · 28/10/2023 14:06

It sounds like she sends clothes and you send them back to hers, so stop sending them back. Once you’ve bought the clothes they belong to the children, not you or her, so just accept that as long as the kids have clothes in each place it doesn’t matter which parent owns which item of clothing.

cadburyegg · 28/10/2023 14:07

Do you think the mum is doing it on purpose or perhaps she can't keep track of it all/doesn't notice or care very much which clothes come and go?

I agree with keeping as many things at your place as possible - so if the dc come over in clothes mum has bought, wash them and have the dc wear them when they go back.

You sound like a lovely stepmum. I would love not to have to pack suitcases every other weekend!

margotrose · 28/10/2023 14:10

I really don't understand the concept of clothes and toys being for one "house" and not the other.

Surely once you've bought them, they belong to the DC and they can take them wherever they want?

Hayliebells · 28/10/2023 14:12

You can only control what is in your control, ie. what you do. You cannot control what other people do, much as it irks you. Therefore the easiest solution is to make them change into the clothes from their mum's before they leave, and make sure you toys etc that belong at your house before they leave.

BIossomtoes · 28/10/2023 14:13

margotrose · 28/10/2023 14:10

I really don't understand the concept of clothes and toys being for one "house" and not the other.

Surely once you've bought them, they belong to the DC and they can take them wherever they want?

This. The kids must be thoroughly confused.

Original poster
Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:13

Because they choose to put on something in the morning and sometimes they don’t want to wear something their mum has packed. We also tried asking them to get changed but they didn’t like that and it seemed unfair to make them.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 28/10/2023 14:16

It seems fair to say please swap into those clothes. We've hardly any trousers left for next time you come.

Make it an expectation and it'll just happen when they go. Make sure they've got everything they came with and that they tidy up 'your' toys into boxes for next time they're here.

Original poster
Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:16

I appreciate this but we would litterally end up with nothing, then what happens if they are with us and they have nothing here (favourite toys are different obviously). We try to be relaxed but surely there is a limit and that relaxed attitude relies on the other house being fair too and the burden being on parents to try to make sure stuff is returned.

Maybe I should just accept them having nothing here? Should I keep buying stuff?

OP posts:
Bloodsweatntears · 28/10/2023 14:16

Can you make sure that they use the clothes from the suitcase on handover days?

Tandora · 28/10/2023 14:17

forrestgreen · 28/10/2023 14:16

It seems fair to say please swap into those clothes. We've hardly any trousers left for next time you come.

Make it an expectation and it'll just happen when they go. Make sure they've got everything they came with and that they tidy up 'your' toys into boxes for next time they're here.

How horrible from the childrens perspective.
it must be so exhausting to be forced to live like this 😢

Tandora · 28/10/2023 14:18

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:16

I appreciate this but we would litterally end up with nothing, then what happens if they are with us and they have nothing here (favourite toys are different obviously). We try to be relaxed but surely there is a limit and that relaxed attitude relies on the other house being fair too and the burden being on parents to try to make sure stuff is returned.

Maybe I should just accept them having nothing here? Should I keep buying stuff?

Why don’t you stop buying stuff and just use the stuff in the suitcase that mum packs?

BIossomtoes · 28/10/2023 14:18

Why would you end up with nothing? I don’t understand why you don’t just use the stuff in the suitcases the kids bring with them. It’s being made super easy for you and you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Gymnopedie · 28/10/2023 14:19

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:13

Because they choose to put on something in the morning and sometimes they don’t want to wear something their mum has packed. We also tried asking them to get changed but they didn’t like that and it seemed unfair to make them.

Any chance that they like what you get them more than the stuff their mum chooses and they deliberately go back to hers in them so that they can keep wearing them?

gotomomo · 28/10/2023 14:20

Ideally periodically their parents arrange a swop to make sure both houses have sufficient items. It's possible to work these things out with a bit of common sense

margotrose · 28/10/2023 14:20

Why would you end up with nothing?

Surely the children would bring clothes/toys with them as they do now, only it would be a mixture of all their things, not just stuff their mum has bought?

I really don't think it's right to say to children that they can only have certain things at your house and not their other home.

FloweryName · 28/10/2023 14:22

Hayliebells · 28/10/2023 14:12

You can only control what is in your control, ie. what you do. You cannot control what other people do, much as it irks you. Therefore the easiest solution is to make them change into the clothes from their mum's before they leave, and make sure you toys etc that belong at your house before they leave.

This is a horrible thing to do to children! Making them change out of their own clothes just so that they can’t wear them when they are with their other parent?

That is a shameful suggestion and iIts disgusting that posters seem to think this behaviour towards their step children is ok.

TeaKitten · 28/10/2023 14:26

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:16

I appreciate this but we would litterally end up with nothing, then what happens if they are with us and they have nothing here (favourite toys are different obviously). We try to be relaxed but surely there is a limit and that relaxed attitude relies on the other house being fair too and the burden being on parents to try to make sure stuff is returned.

Maybe I should just accept them having nothing here? Should I keep buying stuff?

Their mum sends a suitcase of clothes, and you send them back. So if you stopped sending it all back, then you would still have clothes at your house. And yes their dad needs to keep buying stuff because with 50/50 care he probably isn’t paying maintenance.

Original poster
Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:28

Tandora · 28/10/2023 14:18

Why don’t you stop buying stuff and just use the stuff in the suitcase that mum packs?

Show quote history

They are with us 50% of the time surely this would make them feel like they are dragging all their stuff with them? The idea we always had was to try and make sure that the transition was seemless. Uniform here too, clothes, shoes, toys, everything so they wouldn’t have to worry they forgotten to pack things etc?

Maybe this is wrong - we want them to feel like they were not guests in our house but lived here as well.

OP posts:
Wigglefish123 · 28/10/2023 14:29

Just get them changed into the stuff their mum has sent before they go back ? They’re kids if they don’t like it then their dad needs to explain or just tell them that’s what’s happening ….. I don’t get why people won’t just tell kids that something is happening instead of pandering to them 🤷

Original poster
Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 14:30

TeaKitten · 28/10/2023 14:26

Their mum sends a suitcase of clothes, and you send them back. So if you stopped sending it all back, then you would still have clothes at your house. And yes their dad needs to keep buying stuff because with 50/50 care he probably isn’t paying maintenance.

Show quote history

So we are just supposed to buy endless amounts of things? This is what we currently do but it isn’t sustainable from any point of view.

No he fathers and parents his children entirely.

OP posts: