Stepchildren and stuff

[Yummybumble]

So I have two step children and they live a fairly privileged life. Neither house is desperately short of money but over the years we have had more disposable money than their mums household and vis-versa. Peaks and troughs of life I suppose. Currently it is the other way around.

We have bought whatever they need and due to 50:50 we have tired to make sure they have everything they need here so they don’t end up dragging stuff from one house to another - this is a view not shared by mum who seems to delight in packing them suitcases for every stretch they have with us coupled with written letters of how much she misses them. Suitcases are barely opened and we have never mentioned them but pop them up next to their beds in their room.

However I am so sick of things we buy ending up at mums house never to return. Clothes, books, shoes, toys you name it. If clothes are worn from mums I wash them and pop them in their bag ready for return. If I find toys I quietly pop them back in the bag. No song and dance but I feel if it’s her money spent they should ‘live’ there and not be left here. Clothes is the worst as we have younger children, these could be worn again, but no they disappear never to be seen unless a massive argument is had between SC mum and dad then a bag comes back. We don’t wish to make it hard but if we have bought five pairs of trousers and only have one here how on earth is that fair! What’s worse is I’ve seen their mums younger child wearing clothes we have bought - not once but regularly. We don’t have money to be throwing away at the moment.

How do people deal with this as it really grates on us beyond ranting about it to each other when kids have gone to bed.

The idea we always had was to try and make sure that the transition was seemless. Uniform here too, clothes, shoes, toys, everything so they wouldn’t have to worry they forgotten to pack things etc?

Nobody's saying you can't do that, but it's not your place to say they can't take their own things to their mum's, or leave stuff their mum has bought them with you.

Clothes and toys don't belong to you as their parent - they're the DC's to do with as they wish.

It seems incredibly wasteful for them to have two lots of stuff. They’re sent with suitcases of clothes, just use them. You’re making this way too difficult.

Why would you need to buy endless stuff, though?

If they've left something behind at mum's then they just go without, surely?

It’s not pandering, it’s dragging the kids into childish parent bickering and basically telling the children that their clothes aren’t their own. Kids shouldn’t be involved in daft arguments over who bought what. If they arrive wearing an outfit mum bought, but want to leave in an outfit dad bought, then the ‘mum’ outfit stays at dads house so they have something to wear next time.

We aren’t doing this - they didn’t like it when we tried and didn’t do it again. Thus our loosing all things purchased by us at an alarming rate.

My exH changes my daughter before she comes home into the clothes I sent her in, even if it's a Sunday and she was in school uniform. He wont let me send anything with her and I also really miss her when she's there. This summer he took her on holiday and let his awful wife pack her suitcase and he gave the one back to me that I'd packed at the door. It was a suitcase full of clothes but it was like a knife through the heart.

I've been on both sides of this coin and tbh think your being spiteful. They're her kids and she's trying to make sure they have everything they need, even when she's not there. She's their Mother, she's trying to be a Mum. If you are genuinely trying to be nice then just let it be. It's clothes for gods sake.

But they're not your things.

They belong to the children and they should be free to take them wherever they want.

We have chosen never to involve them in if as so far as possible. We rant when they are asleep never when awake!

Maybe this is what we are doing wrong - I have always sent it back as we thought is was the fair thing to do. Perhaps we should try this and see what happens. It will be interesting to see if we get asked for stuff ‘back!’.

But it sounds like they are dragging stuff along anyway if they always come with a suitcase? It seems like you are trying to enforce a strict apartheid on items/ clothing by house. This is one way of doing things, but not necessarily one that is nicest for the kids.. If they want to wear clothes from your house to mum’s, they shouldn’t be made to feel like that is problematic or inappropriate. Equally when mum sends them to you she sends them with clothes from her house that you could use and keep there. It might not always be the same ones as that’s just exhausting to have to keep track, and again it’s more of a mental load for the kids. Just let it be more of a free flow/ rotation?

I said you just keep the clothes at yours that their mum sends, if they wear ‘your’ clothes to go back to hers. So you end up with the same amount of stuff. You buy stuff as they need it like you would for your own children, and then stop getting so hung up on the ‘but this one is mine’ thing and just keep an outfit at yours that they’ve brought with them.

100% Agree with this

It’s a faff but we always used to send them back in the clothes they arrived in.
Like you, we would buy new clothes only for them to go back to their mum’s house never to be seen again. Soon got tired of that.

@Yummybumble I feel your pain on this one and have been/am in a similar situation myself. We buy clothes and shoes which then just belong to the children but my stepdaughter prefers the things we’ve bought which means she’s takes them with her to her mum’s (which is fine - we are very much of the ‘they’re yours so you can take them’ mentality) but they NEVER come back… last year we eventually lost every school skirt, top and cardigan into the ‘black hole’! We bought multiple replacements and they went too…

Now she’s older, we just mention to her that she needs to make sure she brings some clothes back as she’s running out here and generally she does. (I bought her some lovely pens a few weeks back which she wanted to take to her mum’s - I said it was fine but reminded her that she should bring them back so she could use them here again afterwards).

It’s not helped by the fact that my partner and his ex don’t have a great relationship so it’s hard to ask her to send bits back. With my ex (I also have two children), I just message him and say I’m running short on school clothes and could he have a hunt - a load generally then come back. He can do the same to me (though doesn’t because I’m more organised and send some back anyway).

In the long run, I’d say do whatever is less stressful for everyone, especially the children! For example, we now buy cheaper school uniform items knowing we’ll end up replacing a couple of times over the year… try to find ways to save your sanity and rise above it, rather than letting it stress you out!

I think you're probably making this harder than it needs to be. If everything ends up at their mum's house, ask them to bring some stuff back with them next time. And vice versa. If they are too young for that, your husband can ask his ex wife to make sure they bring back (eg) a few pairs of trousers as they are all at her house. Children are too fluid to know what lives where, and it's an extra layer of bother for them. It all just needs to be easy for them. Use the stuff in the suitcases if they bring them. It's not a big deal either way.

Thanks! Cheaper stuff is a good shout.

Not sure why everyone is jumping on you here - it must be really frustrating to spend money on clothes for your DSC to wear which then just disappear, never to be seen again (unless of course on younger siblings you shouldn’t be responsible for funding anyway!) You are just trying to ensure the best quality of life for the kids wherever they are, rather than having them wear the same pair of trousers for the next 6 months 🤦‍♀️

If I understand correctly, you are saying that the movement of clothes is mostly one way so it’s not actually ‘letting the kids wear what they want, where they want’ as some PPs have said, as by the time the DC come back for their week with you there’s hardly anything left, unless you do tell them to wear what’s in the suitcases, and you are proactive in keeping some of that stuff at yours. This means accepting the situation as dictated to you by ex but is probably the way to go to avoid a petty situation for the kids. It will have to be reinforced with them that if they don’t bring <whatever toy or item of clothing> with them, they won’t be able to use it. Hopefully this will help them get more independent at making sure they pack up stuff they want to use.

Can't their father have a word with their mother about it?

Fair enough and I agree with what you say but the opp seems incapable of doing either….it’s not hard is it… you either get them changed or keep mums stuff at yours so you have some clothes for next time or you keep having the conversation with the mum and insist she sends stuff back…even if that causes an argument but it at least keeps it away from the children.

Just a thought @Yummybumble, have you tried looking in the suitcases to see if “your” clothes are in there?

I think you’re being obtuse. Pp have said to use what’s in the suitcase, send them home in the clothing they arrive in. Why does that mean you have to buy ‘endless amounts of things’?

You do what I do, send a text when you are getting low "hi, xxx's trousers have all seemed to have ended up at yours, can you send a few pairs back at the next handover please?" No big deal.

I can see why it's so frustrating, maybe your husband needs to have that big argument with his ex over it.

Reading some of the replies though, fucking hell childhoods are just ruined by some of these shitty attitudes.

Yep - this is what we do too!

Keep the stuff their mum sends with them. When she starts to run out of clothes she will understand.

This doesn’t make sense because their mum is sending a suitcase full of clothes to your house. She probably feels they are all the childrens clothes and it doesn’t really matter which house they end up
in whereas you are seeing them as your belongings. The simple remedy if you run out of clothes is to keep some of the stuff that she sends and have it clean for their next visit? If you feel strongly you want the clothes that you bought you’ll need to use an outfit from the suitcase on return day