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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepchildren and stuff

78 replies

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 13:55

So I have two step children and they live a fairly privileged life. Neither house is desperately short of money but over the years we have had more disposable money than their mums household and vis-versa. Peaks and troughs of life I suppose. Currently it is the other way around.

We have bought whatever they need and due to 50:50 we have tired to make sure they have everything they need here so they don’t end up dragging stuff from one house to another - this is a view not shared by mum who seems to delight in packing them suitcases for every stretch they have with us coupled with written letters of how much she misses them. Suitcases are barely opened and we have never mentioned them but pop them up next to their beds in their room.

However I am so sick of things we buy ending up at mums house never to return. Clothes, books, shoes, toys you name it. If clothes are worn from mums I wash them and pop them in their bag ready for return. If I find toys I quietly pop them back in the bag. No song and dance but I feel if it’s her money spent they should ‘live’ there and not be left here. Clothes is the worst as we have younger children, these could be worn again, but no they disappear never to be seen unless a massive argument is had between SC mum and dad then a bag comes back. We don’t wish to make it hard but if we have bought five pairs of trousers and only have one here how on earth is that fair! What’s worse is I’ve seen their mums younger child wearing clothes we have bought - not once but regularly. We don’t have money to be throwing away at the moment.

How do people deal with this as it really grates on us beyond ranting about it to each other when kids have gone to bed.

OP posts:

Flossflower · 28/10/2023 15:05

I have put YANBU because they are not given back.
However, I really don’t understand why it is such a problem. I look after my grandchildren and I have bought a small selection of clothing for all of them to keep here. It means that if they stay for the day, or longer, they don’t have to pack clothes. If they dirty something, they get to wear some of my clothes. I wash theirs and when they go back home I put their clothes back on. Occasionally something is still wet or dirty and they wear my clothes home but I keep what they came in. Sometimes they want to keep an outfit and take their clothes home as well but this is only a few clothes per year so it doesn’t matter.
I tell their parents what I have kept here and they will tell me if they want it back.

Flossflower · 28/10/2023 15:06

Really I just stop toys and books going home. Their parents really do not want extra stuff

WillowCraft · 28/10/2023 15:07

Maybe the stuff you've bought is in the suitcases? Not understanding how the stuff is all ending up at hers. She is the one sending a whole case of stuff to yours every weekend. How is their stuff getting to hers? How do you want her to send stuff back? In a carrier bag? Even if she wasn't sending a suitcase with them, just keep the clothes they arrive in if they aren't wearing them home then it will even itself out

Blueblell · 28/10/2023 15:08

Surely they should wear the clothes in the suitcase. I think this is a really sad situation for kids when they are not allowed to take things from one house to another. Surely they are the child’s clothes and toys not mums or yours. Although I appreciate the practicality of ending up without the stuff you need ect.

saffronsoup · 28/10/2023 15:09

If they are young - you can check what they are taking back to moms and send them back with the suitcase with only moms things in it. As they get older then you can tell them - hey I think all your trousers have ended up at moms - can you bring a few pairs back next week please.

Ihonestlydontgetit · 28/10/2023 15:09

We struggled with this for years and it was costing me a fortune. In the end I stopped buying 'nice' stuff and bought essentials only. It soon became very evident that things were all going in one direction when there were no clothes or school uniforms at ours.
I think my SD had been taking the stuff from ours to her mum's because she liked it more. She was even sneaking PJs out.
Seemed cruel to stop buying for her but I couldn't afford to supplement her mum's house anymore.
I left her mum and dad to sort it out between them. Things still go wrong but if there is a late night or early morning dash across town it's up to her Mum or Dad to sort it out.

mrsm43s · 28/10/2023 15:12

She's sending them with a suitcase full of clothes each week! She's not withholding the clothes!

The clothes themselves belong to the children, so they should be able to use them in whichever house they want. Just send them back with the same number of outfits that they are sent to you with. So if they go back in something of "yours", then you keep an outfit of "hers". So the clothes rotate between the houses, but you both have the right number of outfits. Some of "your" clothes will end up at hers, and some of "her" clothes will end up at yours, but in reality, they are all the children's clothes, and it doesn't matter which house they are in, as long as they have some clothes (regardless of who bought them) in both houses.

It's really not that hard to work out!

Flamingogirl08 · 28/10/2023 15:19

I understand what you mean, we've bought so much stuff for DSD never to be seen again. However it's her stuff at the end of the day so if she wants to take it to her mums then she does. Just one of those things that happens with blended families. We don't get worked up about it.

Dontcallmescarface · 28/10/2023 15:30

Ask DH to message their mother asking her not to send clothes with them. They wear what you have and you keep the clothes they came in. All this packing a case is nonsense, they're going to their dad's not on holiday.

BIossomtoes · 28/10/2023 15:42

Dontcallmescarface · 28/10/2023 15:30

It isn’t nonsense. My bloke’s kids had one set of clothes - we bought some, their mum bought some - and they brought a case every weekend. Nothing got left with us because they were their clothes, regardless of where they were or who paid for them. We used to keep new socks and pants in case they got forgotten. What really is nonsense - and wasteful - is having duplicates of everything.

Sprinkles211 · 28/10/2023 16:08

Stuff is bought for the child not the house. If it's something the child needs just remind them to bring it. It's so unfair to play piggy in the middle with material shit.

Original poster

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 16:36

Dontcallmescarface · 28/10/2023 15:30

This has put the nail on the head - she is trying to make it seem like they are visiting on holiday.

The cases are always full of some clothes that fit, some that are too small and some that are dirty. It’s not a positive gesture - trust me

OP posts:

Bluebellsbells · 28/10/2023 16:43

My SC change into clothes here and when going home change into Mum's clothes. All toys stay here. If they are going to school make sure they are in Mums clothes if being picked up by her.

thecoat · 28/10/2023 16:53

Op if it's any consolation I get it.

I didn't even do 50/50 with my ex, he had them every other weekend.

And at one point I had no coat for my DD and she had 3 winter coats that fitted her at the time (she was 3). I had been so easy going about stuff going back and forward, with the view that it was DDs stuff not mine and I was going to make things as easy as I could for her.

Until she had no coat, no decent trousers, and only school shoes at mine and her dad was away for the weekend, I didn't have a key, he was not answering his mobile and we had a family 80th birthday on the Sunday and yet again I had to go and buy clothes for her.

It actually nearly broke me - I was buying nice stuff from Next, Marks and Sparks as well as Primark - and I never ever got it back. I don't know what he did with it but it disappeared like into a black hole.

After that I had one outfit for her to wear to her dad's and it wasn't a decent one and I only ever sent her in the same coat.

Be prepared to revisit it all once they're teens though.

thecoat · 28/10/2023 16:54

And it's dead easy to say it's unfair to the kids to make them piggy in the middle it's just material stuff until you're the one with no money (coz no maintenance, natch) and you're carrying ALL the costs of the kids and you're having to buy clothes literally every other weekend.

At one point he did give me back a black bag of age 6-7 clothes that he had found. She was 13. But he was sure there was something in it that would fit her.

Original poster

Yummybumble · 28/10/2023 17:01

Thank you - I appreciate it. Yes we buy all the children nice clothes and it is fine saying ‘it’s their clothes and how horrible’ until you have nothing left. I’m sorry you had that - it’s awful.

OP posts:

Trianglesandcircles1 · 28/10/2023 19:29

In my case their mother used to send a bag of clothes - most of which were already worn or actually dirty, so I washed them before sending back.
I soon got wise to that - I was being tricked into doing her laundry. So then I just always sent the dirty bag of clothes back untouched, and made sure the DC went back in the clothes they arrived in (quick wash and dry overnight).
The good stuff stayed at my house and I made sure of that.

Sometimeswinning · 28/10/2023 19:37

This sounds like it’s too much like hard work. Clothes they wear to you dad washes and dries and put ready for changeover day. Or you keep those clothes until the next visit. Toys they bring stay unless they really want them to go home.

You and dh could easily fix this but you’d rather be just as petty.

EvilElsa · 28/10/2023 19:42

Trianglesandcircles1 · 28/10/2023 19:29

This.
They go back in the washed clothes they came in. The suitcase shite gets sent back in the condition it arrived in.

Topsyturvy33 · 28/10/2023 19:43

My kids things have always belonged to them. I go round dads house and grab a bag if we are going on husk but otherwise just leave kids to it. I’ll get texts saying they want ex at weekend and DD will
pop back to dads to grab somethings but works ok.

DP again let’s his kids do what they want with what he buys… his ex doesn’t and gets very upset if a grey school skirt gets sent back and wants a specific black one etc but don’t know if it’s just another thing for her to cause conflict about!

climbthathill129 · 28/10/2023 19:57

Whatever my step child comes in on the Friday gets cleaned and wears the same outfit to go back to the mums in.

If we do anything special, we take the clothes and they get changed before the car journey. They completely understand and don't mind. We say "mum will want her clothes back" so it sounds kind, not that we want to keep ours.

inloveandmarried · 28/10/2023 23:52

The cases can stay zipped up out of sight. When they are ready to go, take one complete outfit (similar to the clothes they are leaving in) out of the case.
You have this outfit to use in place of the items that are disappearing in future.

Eventually you'll have a mix of the clothes they have in both houses.

I think the only thing I'd try to steer (silently) is them leaving in shoes they arrived in.

No visible case
No fuss about clothes
No need to contact exW
This shuts down her shenanigans quietly.

Annahh · 29/10/2023 00:23

We used to have similar.

How old are the kids?

From About 7 onwards I would make sure the day dc were going home the clothes they came in were ready to be worn that morning so there was no keeping the nicer clothes we purchased.
Originally the clothes used to go back and after a while I realised I was never seeing them again! DH sent a message demanding them back so dc had nice clothes here but they had obviously been worn and worn so ended up buying more anyway.

Sometimes dc would ask for an outfit or jacket etc to wear for an occasion mums end and of course they had it- it was theirs at the end of the day. But because of the new rules mum sent it back here.

Backagain23 · 29/10/2023 07:20

Just drop the rope. Honestly, so pointless to keep trying to sort this.
We have had the same for years, DSD back and forth like a pack horse, packing everything she can fit to go back to her mum's without bothering to check what's what, tears and snotters time and again because she's taken all her leggings back to mums and only brought tops back to ours, no pants left, all her wellies at mums and only brought back summer trainers.... On and on, nobody ever learns.
Except me. I learned not to care. There is no point.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2023 07:52

How old are the children?

If you all have younger children as well then surely the children are old enough to pack their own cases.

All the clothes are theirs and then they pack a bag to go to the place they stay least.

But they are in.charge of their own clothes

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