To think women should support other women more

[Moonshild]

As I get older - I'm early 50's - I have noticed quite how unsupportive women can be to each other and I think we all need to change this.

Generally married women and women in relationships have a smug unsympathetic air about them towards single women/parents.

I can't decide if it has always been this way or is just getting worse.

Doing things on your own - with a partner in the background - is VERY different to doing everything on your own with no partner.

Regardless of how unhelpful many men can be - there is someone there when you come home after work and to share the costs of life.

If you have no one you can be very much alone and I see so many women being unsympathetic to their single friends on so many levels.

My own experience is that I am divorced with two grown up children. I have been on my own since separating - I have made a few attempts to date but have found it both stressful and depressing.
I divorced because my ex was emotionally abusive and despite the fact he has a new partner - continues to attempt to get at me through our children. I am still helping our children to emotionally deal with him.

Most of my friends are in couples. But I find it increasingly hard listening to them discussing the events they are going to/ organising both with and without partners. I am rarely included.
They know my situation, they know I am on a low income in an expensive area and no I probably could not afford to do a lot of the things they do BUT it would be nice to be asked and have the choice to say no.

So that I don't become a complete hermit I go to the local pub for a drink once a week. I used to work there so feel comfortable to go in alone.

I am fully aware that there are lots of women alone out there like myself but what I have noticed more and more is that these women become more and more isolated.
When I was first separated - I noticed that women stopped inviting me to parties etc because I was deemed a threat - as a single woman and having spoken to other women they have experienced the same thing.
I DONT WANT YOUR HUSBAND/PARTNER.

This should not be happening - what is wrong with women? No one knows when they might end up in the same situation - have some sympathy and give some time to those women who struggle on regardless.

We might put on a good front that we are fine but I can guarantee at least 90% shed tears regularly because:
We are lonely
We are worried about paying rent and bills
We are struggling to deal with our ex's
We are trying to support our children - whatever their age - emotionally
We need a hug or someone to care
We are struggling with our emotions

If you have a single female friend - don't tell them how they should be improving their life - its easy to offer advise and make decisions in a relationship:
Just listen to them
Invite them for coffee
Call/text them
Don't look at them as a threat to your relationship
Just include them even if they say no

But mainly be KIND - you might be them one day

You certainly don't find kind on here.

I'm your age and married, but would very happily be friends with single women my age. I just never seem to meet any! One of my oldest friends has always been single. She has a very busy social life compared with me. We live hundreds of miles apart, otherwise we'd see each other regularly.

It sounds as if you are a little insecure about your position and situation and it’s getting you down. You are defining yourself by your single status so that you are wearing it like an identity and this is colouring your view of the world. There is no stigma to being single so try and avoid stigmatising yourself.

The point of my post was more to highlight that women should support women more!

Before Covid I had a lovely group of friends that I socialised with but they are spread out and unfortunately 4 of my close friends have died for a variety of reasons in the last 4 years so I am just struggling to find my place again in the world. It just gets harder to make friends as you get older.

Interesting that so many people have mainly picked up on the single women threat comment. This was just an observation that several of my single friends had previously commented on that I only became aware of when I divorced.

@Moonshild

I agree with you, it gets much much harder to make friends as you get older. Also, as you say, friends die or become ill as time marches on (I speak through experience). The perceived divorcee/widow threat is really quite common. So many posters here saying that those husbands must be slimey toe rags to even contemplate it. Well, that's not my experience at all. They are regular men in long, happy and comfortable marriages who have tried to chat me up out of earshot of their wives. I'm surprised so many posters seem utterly shocked by this to be honest.

The point of my post was more to highlight that women should support women more!

Stop telling us what we should/shouldn't do.

This is your struggle to deal with.

Good luck with finding friends.

Support how?

What exactly do you want all women to do to 'support' all women who are single and/or lonely?

I am a single parent. I don't feel I need support from women or think all women have an obligation to me.

I’ve always found the majority of women to be ultra supportive. I love hanging out with other women.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Are you widowed or divorced?

Sounds like it's your friendship group.

I am a long term single woman and never have any women I've known felt threatened by my presence around their partners. All the women I know are secure enough in themselves for that not to be an issue.

No one has ever excluded me because I don't have a partner either, and no one is "smug" about having a partner!

Yeah, I’ve been divorced. I’m not now though.

The point of my post was more to highlight that women should support women more!

Why should they?

Unfortunately it isn't your place to tell other women what to do.
I support people that I get along with, just because you do not feel supported at the moment doesn't mean you get to lump 50% of the population into one homogeneous group to do your bidding.
Perhaps you need to find new friends.

I have plenty of single friends. Some stunning and I've never felt threatened by them. I think people have got a bit crap with seeing each other since Covid.

I’m in my 50s and I find that women our age are far more kinder and supportive than I ever experienced when I was in my 20s and 30s. Life seems to mellow us out and love the company of middle-aged women. They’re usually relaxed, self deprecating and empathetic.

I think women have so much on their plate, bringing up children, wifework, sexy work, life admin etc etc - and MN has opened my eyes to the sheer scale of shitty lazy men women end up with. No wonder so many women are in survival mode a lot of the time. I won’t be adding to the #bekind mantra.

I am a single parent. I don't feel I need support from women or think all women have an obligation to me.

But you're a woman, therefore #BeKind babes

They aren’t - they are mostly pointing out that they haven’t experienced women not supporting women, so it’s daft to generalise.

The sums up the vibe I am getting from the Op.

’I am unhappy because women aren’t behaving how I think they should’

The point of my post was more to highlight that women should support women more!

Why? What about having the same genitalia as someone else means that I should support them? Perhaps they are not a nice person, or we have differing political views. Should I be friends with someone who I don’t like or disagree with simply because we both have fannies?

I have a number of female friend who I know are married or in relationships but I’ve almost never met their husbands. So how is that different?

Going by just the title I would have said yanbu. But in making some quite nasty generalisations, yabu.

When I was first separated - I noticed that women stopped inviting me to parties etc because I was deemed a threat - as a single woman and having spoken to other women they have experienced the same thing.
I DONT WANT YOUR HUSBAND/PARTNER.

I don't know anyone who thinks this way and it's never even crossed my mind.

You need a new group of friends.

Im a single mum and have been for 10 years after being married for 18 years! I find it much easier than putting up with a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive manchild! Even when I've been so skint I've struggled to put food on the table ive still been happier than i was when i was married! I don't find my friends or their partners treat me any differently ( and if the partners behaved inappropriately they would soon get told about themselves!). I love my single life and wouldn't trade it for anything!

I agree- completely ridiculous generalisations going on here and actually rather misogynistic to lump all women together and negatively generalise about them.

I have plenty of single female friends and many of them have chosen to remain that way, they dont want my pity or sympathy (or a man), theyre perfectly happy thank you and lead fabulous lives.

I am sorry your friends seem to be a bit shit but thats not because they're women- its because they're just shit friends.

Hang on. My closest group of friends includes two single men. Yet no one seems worried that they are after the women in the group.

If someone thinks that their husband will have their head turned by a newly single friend then they have a husband problem.

Some of it is an age / family circumstances thing, though, isn’t it?

I don’t see my friends anywhere near as much as I used to - I work full time in a demanding job and am knackered in the evenings, they’ve all got school-age kids and work, so are also knackered in the evenings, plus weekends are generally their family time.

I suspect it will get easier when kids / work demands lessen, but it definitely doesn’t seem to be a singles vs couples thing here - if anything, I find it easier to see one of a couple as there’s a built-in babysitter!

I’m also not really seeing how someone’s sex is relevant here.