This kid really is annoying but my cousin wants support. AIBU to deny it?

[AxioCheese]

My cousin has a 9 yr old son. He's sweet but really annoying. Constantly jiggling up and down, interrupting conversations and trying to join in when he can't do whatever it is.
My cousin says he is being bullied at school because other kids won't play with him and say he is annoying.

Obviously I'm not there but it doesn't sound like bullying. Just that they are normal kids who want to play with their friends and not be interrupted all the time.

My cousin is upset because I won't take her 'side' in all this.

Should I pretend I don't notice the way he is and just give her moral support? My family think I should but it feels wrong. AIBU to stick to my guns?

Also in case it is relevant he's been assessed for ADHD and hasn't got a diagnosis.

My apologies, that was crass of me.

I have a ND child and I don't think leaving them out of games constitutes bullying. She is immature for her age and although I love her, her style of playing is behind in terms of what 8 year olds enjoy. She loves the younger kids, or she has a group of other ND kids she plays with, or she chats the ears off the playground assistants.
When does it stop otherwise? Are we forcing teenagers to befriend the ASD kid who talks non stop about their special interest and force them to go to the pub? I had a group of really really good friends at secondary but we were all bonkers and ND. The kids who hung out with us at the skateparks or at gigs ditched us during school as we were very damaging to their image. It sucked a bit but honestly, I know I'm biased, but it made me so strong in terms of knowing my identity and integrity.

Honestly how many adults have a group of friends with neurodiverse people involved? We are still very much on the peripheral. I have a group of 'normal' friends but I can't be myself with them. They think I'm odd. It's just the way life is. Whilst when I meet other odd people I think 'ah thank fuck for that'

In this case, autistic children could never develop.

They need to learn and in order to do so, they need to be with the older kids or kids of their own age.

Anything else IS exclusionary.

I'm autistic so is my husband.

Neurodivergency is actually very common, just underdiagnosed.

echoing @what @fuckityfuckityfuckfuck said,(cos i dont even know how to add it to post in a grey box) do you walk past mirrors without looking?
"morall"support would suggest-morals.
she knows how he is.
hes sad cos nokid wants to play with him n even family members wont give him 10mins of their time without condemnation.

Where did you get that 10 minutes thing from?

@MumblesParty . pulled it out thin air....10 mins was a vague estimation based on the word "annoying" persistently used."Constantly jiggling up and down, interrupting conversations and trying to join in when he can't do whatever it is."
it suggests a bored,uncatered for(even if is annoying)child. IF you know there is a problem/issue with child being included,or feeling included.Rather than query if you should pretend not to notice- maybe try a wee 10 min window of things he can do with you. one to one play is life enhancing to a kid thats (made to feel)odd.
is what i meant

Not wanting to play with someone isn't bullying, it's exercising autonomy.

I don’t see why there has to be ‘sides’. Can’t you just murmur some sympathetic noises?!

He nds help with social skills. Mine do have sen and we had to do lots of work with them on boundaries and personal and turn taking

He found role play the most useful. So practising situations that had gone wrong at school.

Unless children are telling other children not to play with him or picking on him there is no bullying.

Not wanting to play with someone is not bullying hell you could say forcing someone to play with someone they don’t want to is bullying them into submission.

There’s always annoying kids and no they don’t all have additional needs apart from needing some guidance on how to not be so me me me me me.

Not wanting to play with a child who disrupts your play is not bullying, coercing or encouraging others not to play with that child is bullying.

If a child says they do not want to play with another child because they constantly disrupt their play, why would it be ok to encourage or coerce that child into playing with someone who they didn’t want to?

Oh sorry @OhmygodDont your post had not loaded on my phone and I just sort of repeated you.

@AxioCheese has stated in her OP that this child is on the assessment pathway for ADHD. They don't put kids on a referral pathway for no reason.

We coerce children into doing stuff all the time. We coerce them into going to school, where it is expected that they play/interact with other children in the classroom.

This sort of perspective really fucks me off.

So it's ok for some children to exercise their autonomy by excluding others.

But it's not ok for the excluded children to walk right out of the school gates because they don't want to be in a place where they're miserable and treated badly by others?

Autonomy for some children. No autonomy for others.

No we don’t coercion is using threats, force, intimidation. If you do this with your children you are abusive.

Am I misunderstanding this? To me it looks like OP is saying that he was assessed as not having ADHD, yet lots of posters are saying he does have ADHD, therefore his being left out is clearly bullying 🤔

Fwiw, I agree with you OP, burying your head in the sand and blaming all the other children is not going to help him in the long run. He needs some guidance/strategies to help him rub along with his peers, not to be turned into a victim.

Have you never seen reception class handovers at the start of the year?

Screaming children reluctantly prised off their upset parents and carried into class by put-upon teachers.

What would you call that?

We force children to do things they don't particularly want to the whole time. Sometimes using threats and physical compulsion. Because we are the adults and we think it is in their best interests.

If this child decided to walk out of school because everyone was ignoring him and he didn't want to be there anymore, do you think the school would let him?

@Pollynots

OP said adhd had been ruled out though. He doesn’t have ADHD.

As a mother with a child who seems very similar to your cousins I've got to say I do think you are being very unreasonable. Trying to navigate the social side of school is extremely difficult when you have a child who is being excluded from their peer groups. Yes you might find the child annoying as do the other children at school. But what your cousin is asking for is some support from you. Perhaps you can educate yourself on adhd and learn how to interact better with the child. If you do this you will find that they are probably really nice and lovely to spend time with. We need to promote a culture of inclusion and by making some reasonable adjustments to your own behaviour it will set a great example and offer your cousin the support she is in need of.

@toappleornottoapple

but he doesn’t have adhd!!

Just because he had one assessment that hasn't given him a diagnosis that doesn't mean he doesn't have adhd. My child was assessed previously as not having sensory processing disorder or autism. However 3 years later we are in the process of being assessed again for adhd, sensory processing and autism. It depends what age the assessment was done and how thorough it was. Many identifying features don't become apparent until later on - in my child's case their lack of social ability/awareness is becoming more and more apparent as their peer group mature.

The thing is you have to seek out your support wisely because not everyone is going to be a suitable person to provide the support. If the OP isn't willing to take this family members side and support them with this then they need to accept the situation for what it is and find this support elsewhere.

Of course kids shouldn't be forced to play with kids they don't like. A mother who is sad that her child is the one nobody wants to play with, is not usually meaning that other kids should be forced. Why would you try and put that slant on it.
There are balances to be made here. The child that needs help with his social skills and possible help for impulse control or maybe ADHD, and also a bit of tolerance and kindness from other children who might need help to understand that everyone is different.
The school should have strategies and ways of helping this quite common issue, because we know now how damaging it can be to always be the one noone wants to play with.

Really though, it's very hurtful when family members or friends try and be devil's advocate or the voice of the other side when you're trying to get emotional support when you're hurting about your child. OP, maybe you just haven't needed this support yet. I hope you never do