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Original poster

To be extremely embarrassed about my behaviour

97 replies

itsgonnabeagoodday1 · 27/10/2023 23:16

Hi

i had an operation last week (my first ever) and I was awake during it. It took 2 hours and I wasn’t actually too nervous leading up to it, but as soon as I stepped foot into the operating room I felt something change and I have never, ever been so frightened in my entire life. I started crying pretty much as soon as it started and for some reason couldn’t stop crying (as embarrassed as I was). The nurse let me hold her hand throughout it and I got gradually more and more nervous until about 15 minutes in and I was so upset and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve never, ever felt like that before- it was horrendous and I felt like I was literally gasping for air and couldn’t get a breath. At this point I started completely panicking and they stopped the surgery and the surgeon was lovely and basically gave me a handhold and everyone was tellling me to deep breathe in the mouth and out the nose but I felt like I couldn’t, and the more I tried the less I could breath until eventually I was clawing at my own chest because I was so worked up. I’ve never had any sort of panic attack before but I think this might have been my first. The team were all lovely and the nurses helped me and eventually I was able to breathe again but I was pretty much crying throughout the entire thing and I felt so shaken up afterwards.

I don’t understand why I reacted like this. I’m in my 20s and not at all nervous or anxious usually, I wasn’t nervous leading up to it and I don’t even know what I’m particular I was frightened of. But I suddenly freaked out and it was horrendous. My pulse and blood pressure were both normal before it but both started going up as soon as the operation started and eventually when I was panicking most the machine was beeping so much it almost sounded continuous and it seemed to be freaking out the poor nurse who was watching it! The highest it went to was my pulse was 198 and my blood pressure was 207/124 which they said was pretty high! I was trying my best to breathe and not be nervous but it was as if something took over my body and I felt totally paralysed by how scared I was.

i know this isn’t a normal reaction, but is it fairly common or am I complete idiot? I feel so embarrassed- I’ve sent a thank you card and chocolates for the team who helped me but I was just so shaken and surprised at my reaction because I’ve never been so scared before and I feel like an absolute idiot because I’m in my 20s and at one point during it I was crying out for my mam fgs.

not really sure what I’m asking sorry, I’m just really embarrassed by my behaviour and I know I need to let it go but I was just wondering if this is a relatively normal response to surgery and not worthy of being embarrassed about or not because it’s been playing on my mind ever since x

OP posts:
HalfMumHalfBiccit · 27/10/2023 23:27

please don’t be embarrassed you were obviously frightened.
you may have built up fear before the op.
you may have also been given medication that contributed to this reaction.

ive done strange stuff during an op including uncontrollable shaking.

hopefully others will be here soon with more supportive comments.

don’t worry op

Resembleflower · 27/10/2023 23:31

I’m a nurse, your reaction is quite common. Be kind you yourself. The whole thing being in theatre, having treatment is scary. You’re good, the nurse wouldn’t have batted an eyelid.

FannyFifer · 27/10/2023 23:34

Also a nurse, totally absolutely common, please don't be embarrassed. The team were so good as they will have supported 100s of folk reacting totally the same.
Don't even think about it again.

JimnJoyce · 27/10/2023 23:38

Op I'd say that was a completely normal reaction being awake for your first ever surgery. I can understand it's had a huge impact on you but it won't have worried the surgical staff at all. They'll have seen it loads of times.

NinaGeiger · 27/10/2023 23:40

Being awake during surgery sounds terrifying. I would argue what you had was a completely normal reaction.

tortoiseshellcats · 27/10/2023 23:41

The medical team will be used to seeing lots of different reactions and they know it wasn't your fault. People react in unexpected ways during medical procedures - they are scary, you're often in pain and/or reacting to medication. No one will have minded at all. It was very kind to send chocolates and a card, I'm sure they were appreciated. If you've never felt like this in any other situation then I would consider it a one off and try not to worry - there's certainly no reason to feel embarrassed about it :)

Auntiedear · 28/10/2023 00:08

Definitely don't feel embarrassed!! The team will have experienced that before and it is a completely understandable reaction.

I do think it is a lot to ask of people psychologically to ask people to have surgery whilst awake - I appreciate there are times when it is medically necessary but surely that isn't the case in every instance!

Someoneonlyyouknow · 28/10/2023 00:08

I think the medication you will have been given may have added to your feelings of distress. Although it sounds horrible for you the staff have obviously seen similar many times before - they wouldn't have continued with the operation if your reaction was so unusual. There's often embarrassing procedures or behaviour around surgery but it's everyday stuff to the nurses and doctors (I have come round from a general anaesthetic howling and sobbing, so embarrassed when I realised)

SamAndEIIa · 28/10/2023 00:17

Similar happened to me during my c section, which is effectively the exact same thing (surgery when awake)

My first was an emergency so I was in major pain (I’d been having strong contractions for 16 hours), out my tree (diamorphine, dihydrocodiene, gas and air) vomiting repeatedly even with the strongest anti emetic they could give me at that point, and in a state of blind panic by the waves of people in the room prepping me. So I freaked out but kind of had reason to.

My second was a planned section, I knew what to expect and felt fine, coped okay with the spinal but freaked out during the surgery to the point I had chest pains which felt like someone was compressing my chest and I couldn’t breathe. They had to give me maybe 5-10 doses of “gin and tonic” which I believe was actually a sedative as I zoned out for an undetermined amount of time each time they did it.

They told me it was normal/common.

stickytoffee8 · 28/10/2023 00:23

Bless you OP.
Your reaction sounds completely reasonable to me, I would be the same.

Open surgery must of been terrifying, you should be proud of yourself for being so brave.

Hope your surgery went well.

lunar1 · 28/10/2023 00:27

Another nurse telling you it's completely normal. The sights, sounds, smells during surgery are unfamiliar and frightening if you don't understand them. The drugs they gave you can lead to feelings of panic. You have done o thing they haven't seen before, I promise.

I had three breaths of gas and air with ds1, DH, who is a surgeon said it was as if I'd instantly consumed a bottle of vodka, it had such a severe effect on me.

Coming round from a GA, I was convinced they had amputated my legs and thought the nurse was trying to kill me.

Everyone can have unusual reactions to things.

Fawbs89 · 28/10/2023 00:36

Dont be embarrassed I think it's normal! I had jaw surgery a few years ago and when they wheeled me into the sideroom before the theatre I got a look at the theatre and then started to panic and cry. They had to calm me down before I was sedated. I reckon it happens loads

DumboHimalayan · 28/10/2023 00:39

Life has existed for nearly 4 billion years. Human-like species something like 6 million years. Human beings pretty much indistinguishable from anyone you might see on the street, about 300,000 years.

The concept of deliberately allowing a group of individuals you don't know to approach you, attack you with drugs and weapons, and cut you about, in order to help you, is pretty recent in comparison.

We wouldn't have survived this long if that kind of situation didn't scare us. The parts of us that evolved to look out for danger and prepare us to react to it can't be easily turned off just because we understand intellectually what's going on. Your mind and body went into high gear to fight off and escape what it understood as a life-endangering threat, and your tears signalled your urgent need for assistance.

You and your reactions are the end-product of an unbroken chain of survivors going back billions of years. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/10/2023 00:43

Omg OP you had a 2 hour operation conscious! Absolute kudos to you. There is absolutely no way on earth I could do that, I would be begging them for a general anaesthetic. That sounds utterly terrifying. Please don’t worry about what they think about you, it sounds like a perfectly normal reaction.

Hope you have recovered now Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2023 00:43

Op, please be a lot kinder to yourself and forget all about this. You have not embarrassed yourself in any way

You had a massive panic attack, for very understandable reasons. Your fight or flight kicked in, and as luck would have it, you had nothing or no one to fight, and nowhere to run. Therefore, your body was forced to have the reaction it did. Your body was flooded with cortisol and it had nowhere to go.

I'm so sorry you had to endure this. Panic attacks are fucking terrible.

CallieQ · 28/10/2023 00:50

Why didn't you have a general

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2023 00:54

Your reaction was very human and very normal - that must have been so scary. Bless you, stop being embarrassed immediately and focus on self care and self compassion!

Bpiece · 28/10/2023 01:26

Saw a clip recently of Dawn French talking about an operation she had had. The surgeon told her afterwards that when they had administered the anaesthetic but before she lost consciousness, she had said ‘I’m a national treasure you know. Be careful’!!
Now THAT is embarrassing! She was mortified.

Nevermind31 · 28/10/2023 01:31

during my C-section I was crying - I kept telling them that I’m ok, but just could not stop crying.
they actually had a person in there to just hold my hand (and that was before I started crying). Don’t be hard on yourself!

pineapple7peach · 28/10/2023 01:35

Please don’t worry! If it helps, I had a similar reaction during my LLETZ procedure (removing irregular cervical cells). I’d had multiple biopsies before which were painful and the whole process was so invasive and anxiety provoking that I really struggled during the actual procedure. I think it’s written in my medical notes now that I’m very anxious 😬

poppettypop · 28/10/2023 01:36

You had a physical reaction to a mental stimuli.

Perfectly normal and perfectly human.

TeaGinandFags · 28/10/2023 01:42

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Operations are scary and you simply had a panic attack. Be kind to yourself. You're human.

Please don't let it bother you any longer. We've all been there.

Laserbeam24 · 28/10/2023 01:45

Don't be embarrassed! It sounds like a panic attack. The same thing happened to me!! I'm an aux nurse so not squeamish and very aware of the setting/terminology.

Was a planned c-section, had MONTHS to prepare. I was as cool as a cucumber until I stepped foot in the theatre! I had an actual meltdown, absolutely howled and sobbed, proper heaving cries with snot. I was TERRIFIED.

They've seen this 1000x before, we aren't the first and we certainly won't be the last!

benfolds5 · 28/10/2023 02:09

I had a similar panic attack at the dentist not long ago. Wasn't even getting much done. That was humiliating.

It's very common I'm sure, I honestly wouldn't dwell on it. These things can come out of nowhere sometimes

Camoflange · 28/10/2023 02:10

It's fine,nothing unusual to react and feel this way. It's not embarrassing medics see this and more everyday there is nothing special about your reaction. BTW, medics are human and when its their turn to be a patient they aren't always calm either. Let it go.