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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be extremely embarrassed about my behaviour

97 replies

itsgonnabeagoodday1 · 27/10/2023 23:16

Hi

i had an operation last week (my first ever) and I was awake during it. It took 2 hours and I wasn’t actually too nervous leading up to it, but as soon as I stepped foot into the operating room I felt something change and I have never, ever been so frightened in my entire life. I started crying pretty much as soon as it started and for some reason couldn’t stop crying (as embarrassed as I was). The nurse let me hold her hand throughout it and I got gradually more and more nervous until about 15 minutes in and I was so upset and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve never, ever felt like that before- it was horrendous and I felt like I was literally gasping for air and couldn’t get a breath. At this point I started completely panicking and they stopped the surgery and the surgeon was lovely and basically gave me a handhold and everyone was tellling me to deep breathe in the mouth and out the nose but I felt like I couldn’t, and the more I tried the less I could breath until eventually I was clawing at my own chest because I was so worked up. I’ve never had any sort of panic attack before but I think this might have been my first. The team were all lovely and the nurses helped me and eventually I was able to breathe again but I was pretty much crying throughout the entire thing and I felt so shaken up afterwards.

I don’t understand why I reacted like this. I’m in my 20s and not at all nervous or anxious usually, I wasn’t nervous leading up to it and I don’t even know what I’m particular I was frightened of. But I suddenly freaked out and it was horrendous. My pulse and blood pressure were both normal before it but both started going up as soon as the operation started and eventually when I was panicking most the machine was beeping so much it almost sounded continuous and it seemed to be freaking out the poor nurse who was watching it! The highest it went to was my pulse was 198 and my blood pressure was 207/124 which they said was pretty high! I was trying my best to breathe and not be nervous but it was as if something took over my body and I felt totally paralysed by how scared I was.

i know this isn’t a normal reaction, but is it fairly common or am I complete idiot? I feel so embarrassed- I’ve sent a thank you card and chocolates for the team who helped me but I was just so shaken and surprised at my reaction because I’ve never been so scared before and I feel like an absolute idiot because I’m in my 20s and at one point during it I was crying out for my mam fgs.

not really sure what I’m asking sorry, I’m just really embarrassed by my behaviour and I know I need to let it go but I was just wondering if this is a relatively normal response to surgery and not worthy of being embarrassed about or not because it’s been playing on my mind ever since x

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 28/10/2023 02:10

I’m outraged for you, why on earth didn’t they give you something to assist? Common sense would have been to give you a calming agent at the point it was first recognised you were not coping.

junbean · 28/10/2023 02:20

Definitely a panic attack. I had the same reaction when I was told I'd need an emergency c-section. They had to strap me down like Hannibal Lector. Part of it was hormones, but I was shaking violently and hysterically crying. They were so worried about me and so kind- I kept telling them just ignore me, it was just hormones. But really, I was terrified and totally unprepared to be cut open. It's such an unnatural thing to do. It took me months to recover from the shock of it. It's a normal human reaction.

junbean · 28/10/2023 02:21

HoppingPavlova · 28/10/2023 02:10

I’m outraged for you, why on earth didn’t they give you something to assist? Common sense would have been to give you a calming agent at the point it was first recognised you were not coping.

I was thinking the same thing. I didn't know people could be awake during a surgery. I was during my c-section but that's different right? I don't know enough about it but it seems barbaric.

CarrieMoonbeams · 28/10/2023 02:23

What a shame @itsgonnabeagoodday1 , I really feel for you.

If it's any consolation, I also had a massive panic during a (very minor - nothing like what you must have had) surgical procedure and was also really embarrassed. I spoke to the staff the next day and said "I'll bet that was a first for you too, a patient flapping about like that, I'm so embarrassed!" - they said "A first, are you serious??? You weren't even the first THAT DAY to react like that!" So please take comfort from the medical staff on here who are reassuring you.

Bless you, I hope you're recovering well. 🌹

RantyAnty · 28/10/2023 02:37

It was a panic attack.

I'm surprised they didn't give you something right then as they could have

I had one during a scan with dye and took the IV out got up off the table and ran out of the room in my gown and hid in the changing room. They had to talk to me to come out.

babyproblems · 28/10/2023 02:40

No way in hell could I be awake during surgery ever. That’s beyond terrifying. I’d say your behaviour is v normal. Of course you’d be panicking!!!! It’s not a natural or common thing to do. Well done for getting it over with!! X

Fruitandclottedcream · 28/10/2023 02:42

I hope you have a speedy recovery. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you had a panic attack. They're terrifying and you lose all ability to be rational.
You don't need to be embarrassed. You're not the first to react like that and you won't be the last. Surgery is scary, especially when you're awake for it.

For what it's worth, I found out that I react weirdly to general anaesthetic, and get incredibly agitated upon waking... the first time I ever had a general anaesthetic.

  • I asked my consultant to put it on my records so that if I need GA again it's there.

Could you ask your consultant to do the same and record that you had a panic attack, so that going forward if you ever need more surgery, people are aware? Nobody will look at you differently. It just means that medical professionals will take more time to talk through procedures and anxieties etc.

AngeloMysterioso · 28/10/2023 04:09

This wasn’t “your behaviour”, it was a panic attack. You’ve nothing to feel embarrassed by or apologetic for.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 28/10/2023 04:24

Don’t be embarrassed at all. I have don’t blood tests on huge, tattooed soldiers who have panicked just as badly.

Missingthegore · 28/10/2023 04:25

Another nurse. It's fine. We see people on the worst day of their life. It might not be the worst day of your life ever but right then it.

You didn't bite anyone or punch them so the whole team will have forgotten about it. If you see your surgeon again don't apologise more than once, make a plan how to have the surgery safely next time.

Wokkadema · 28/10/2023 04:32

As much as it is wonderful having so many nurses reassuring you that what happened was normal, no need for embarrassment at all....
... the whole situation was not normal FOR YOU. Surgery is not your normal, helplessness is not your normal, feelings of out of control panic are not your normal. If the whole thing is still playing on your mind, flashbacks, etc please do reach out for help to process it all. Medical trauma is a real thing and doesn't mean you're weak or broken, just that this was a really big deal for you and will take some time & care.

slothfeatures · 28/10/2023 04:35

I have had some traumatic incidents having blood taken, I apparently have small veins and years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy that was in danger of rupturing and it was a race against time to get a cannula in. I was hysterical and trying to insert the needle the doctor hit an artery and I was being held down covered in blood.

Since then I have had to get blood taken but it’s always difficult and if the nurse isn’t confident she’ll be able to do it then I won’t entertain having it done. Recently I got told that my regular medication would be stopped unless I could give a blood sample.

I had 4 separate appointments that involved me running out of the surgery, fainting and throwing up! I was mortified every single time.
Eventually they managed to at least get the needle in after sedating me but after half an hour and several attempts the nurse couldn’t get blood and my friend who was with me insisted she stopped because I was so traumatised.

I completely agree with the previous comment that said we have only recently started experiencing medical interventions like this and our bodies are evolved to see the situation as dangerous, you aren’t always going to react rationally and medical staff are used to it.
I’m still so embarrassed about my recent reactions in the attempts to get blood and it wasn’t in any way the nurses fault. She was so patient but I’m still not letting anyone near me with a needle unless I’m heavily sedated and it’s someone I trust!

Don’t be embarrassed about a reaction you couldn’t help, it’s not like you were swearing or being abusive and doctors and nurses are used to it.

LittleDitto · 28/10/2023 04:44

Don’t feel embarrassed!! Hospitals are there for people to literally fall apart in, physically and mentally.

Doesn’t matter what you’re having done, being awake during surgery sounds scary and you’ll have just triggered a fight or flight response. Very normal.

I hope you’re recovering well from it now. Be kind to yourself!

Autumny · 28/10/2023 04:46

I suffered badly from medical trauma and now have OTT reactions to minor medical things. My last MRI I had diazepam and still sobbed through the last 20 minutes or so as it's so triggering of the horrific memories in surgery and ICU.

Next time you feel panicky, try to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. I'm not sure why they told you to do the opposite. Breathing out for longer is helpful too.

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 28/10/2023 05:02

I shook uncontrollably while being prepped for my c section, may body was convulsing, I had absolutely no power over the movements whatsoever. I also sobbed. I’ve had loads of ops, some under local anaesthetic but have never experienced anything like that before.

The nurses weren’t remotely phased by it, said it was a totally normal reaction to the drugs and the huge life event I was experiencing, both mentally and physically…

Let it go. And don’t berate yourself for being human.

MayMi · 28/10/2023 05:53

I think the fear must have hit you all at once and so that's how you naturally responded. I understand this isn't how you normally react to things but so you feel a bit taken aback by it.

I'm the same - never had a panic attack before, but for some reason when I had to get my wisdom tooth taken out, I had a sudden panic attack.

It's great that your medical team looked after you so well. Good luck with your recovery 💕

Allthingsdecember · 28/10/2023 06:06

Please don’t be embarrassed, being awake for surgery is frightening.

I’m not sure if it’s the same with all anaesthetic, but I experienced what felt like a mild panic attack when having a tooth removed. My dentist said some people physically react to the anaesthetic in that way (something to do with adrenaline, I think? It was a while ago).

MummyJ36 · 28/10/2023 06:16

OP all I can say is that you shouldn’t be embarrassed!! I recently had my first operation under general anaesthetic and I was so scared my surgeon actually had to walk with me down to surgery and hold my hand the whole time, even whilst I was being put to sleep. He joked at my post-op he’d never done that with an adult patient before but in the moment I couldn’t tell you how much I appreciated it. His good humour and kindness got me through a very stressful experience and I’m glad the staff were able to do the same for you. It sounds like you did have the full operation despite being very scared and you should be really proud of yourself for that!

My surgeon also told me afterwards (when I was thanking him over and over again for being so kind) that medical staff often deal with quite difficult people, sometimes quite angry or even violent people, so somebody being scared and accepting help is a breeze!

BertieBotts · 28/10/2023 06:22

When you say you were awake, do you mean that you were due to have a general anesthetic but they didn't get that far, or you were supposed to be awake (local anaesthetic + sedative)?

If it's the former then totally understandable why they didn't just fix it with drugs as people are suggesting - surely that would have just made it worse? Overall they want to you feel comfortable and in control, if that means postponing the surgery, then fair enough.

If you were meant to be having it under local anaesthetic then most times they give a sedative as well. You might have had a reaction to this.

Either way be kind to yourself as others have said, totally understandable reaction.

BertieBotts · 28/10/2023 06:24

Oh yes, they do sometimes put adrenaline in dental anaesthetic as it makes it work faster. But some people have a bad reaction to that, it happened to a friend of mine and they have put a note on her file not to use it any more.

Spencer0220 · 28/10/2023 06:32

Please don't be embarrassed. You had a perfectly common and valid reaction to a stressful event.

I have had all kinds of panics in medical settings and every time the staff have been brilliant.

TookTheBook · 28/10/2023 06:33

YABU to feel embarrassed.

I think some have clicked YANBU meaning it was not unreasonable to react like you did.

Basically everyone agrees it was a normal response. Kindly, put it behind you now

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 28/10/2023 06:58

A panic attack, or feeling anxious, can happen at any time and you don't have to be a nervous person for this to happen to you.
Put that with the medication they gave you for pain relief and being awake and I'd be just like you, if not worse!!
The medical staff are trained to help their patients in such dilemmas, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, so please stop fretting about it!!
I hope they were able to finish your op, and if you have any in future it may be a good idea to ask to be completely under for them!

itsybitsyteenytot · 28/10/2023 07:12

I need to say such a huge thank you to you OP for posting this. 6 years ago I found myself needing a very unexpected emergency cesarean with our second baby. After 7 attempts of trying to do a spinal (the drugs were having no effect on me) I was told I needed a GA. I absolutely lost it at this point. I was hysterical. I begged them to let my husband come to the operating room before they put me to sleep. I was convinced I was going to die, I told my husband as much & said my goodbyes. I had to be held down as they put me to sleep, it was horrific.

As it happens I did stop breathing in recovery, I had to be resuscitated & went to ITU on a ventilator. I suffered with PTSD and PND after all that.

I was an experienced midwife so very used to the environment etc, but I had never actually seen anything like it myself. To hear so many people here replying as they are is actually so healing. I never realised that I was having a panic attack, that is quite a revelation to me. I do hope that you are feeling better about the situation after reading what people are saying as it's helped me so much, so thank you for posting.

Twentymorequestions · 28/10/2023 07:19

I recently went to hospital for an x-ray. Was seen within 30 minutes, but even so was just on the verge of walking out because my breathing had changed, my heart was banging in my chest and I felt hot and dizzy. I was obviously on the verge of a panic attack which had come out of nowhere, for no reason. Can you imagine how bad I would have been in your situation? I think you were so brave and should be in no way embarrassed.