To be extremely embarrassed about my behaviour

[itsgonnabeagoodday1]

Hi

i had an operation last week (my first ever) and I was awake during it. It took 2 hours and I wasn’t actually too nervous leading up to it, but as soon as I stepped foot into the operating room I felt something change and I have never, ever been so frightened in my entire life. I started crying pretty much as soon as it started and for some reason couldn’t stop crying (as embarrassed as I was). The nurse let me hold her hand throughout it and I got gradually more and more nervous until about 15 minutes in and I was so upset and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve never, ever felt like that before- it was horrendous and I felt like I was literally gasping for air and couldn’t get a breath. At this point I started completely panicking and they stopped the surgery and the surgeon was lovely and basically gave me a handhold and everyone was tellling me to deep breathe in the mouth and out the nose but I felt like I couldn’t, and the more I tried the less I could breath until eventually I was clawing at my own chest because I was so worked up. I’ve never had any sort of panic attack before but I think this might have been my first. The team were all lovely and the nurses helped me and eventually I was able to breathe again but I was pretty much crying throughout the entire thing and I felt so shaken up afterwards.

I don’t understand why I reacted like this. I’m in my 20s and not at all nervous or anxious usually, I wasn’t nervous leading up to it and I don’t even know what I’m particular I was frightened of. But I suddenly freaked out and it was horrendous. My pulse and blood pressure were both normal before it but both started going up as soon as the operation started and eventually when I was panicking most the machine was beeping so much it almost sounded continuous and it seemed to be freaking out the poor nurse who was watching it! The highest it went to was my pulse was 198 and my blood pressure was 207/124 which they said was pretty high! I was trying my best to breathe and not be nervous but it was as if something took over my body and I felt totally paralysed by how scared I was.

i know this isn’t a normal reaction, but is it fairly common or am I complete idiot? I feel so embarrassed- I’ve sent a thank you card and chocolates for the team who helped me but I was just so shaken and surprised at my reaction because I’ve never been so scared before and I feel like an absolute idiot because I’m in my 20s and at one point during it I was crying out for my mam fgs.

not really sure what I’m asking sorry, I’m just really embarrassed by my behaviour and I know I need to let it go but I was just wondering if this is a relatively normal response to surgery and not worthy of being embarrassed about or not because it’s been playing on my mind ever since x

Don't feel bad! Now you've had this experience, you know your limits & you need to advocate for yourself with future surgeries.

When I was in my 20's I needed eye surgery & was told I would be awake during... I refused unless I could have a general anaesthetic. I was certain I wouldn't be able to manage surgery on my eye being wide awake. So the surgical team planned around that.
There are some risks of course with GA, but you take your chances!

And don't imagine you will always feel like this. In subsequent decades I have had surgery while awake (with some medication to keep me calm but not quite sedation) and I've been perfectly compliant & managed it easily.

@itsgonnabeagoodday1

i don't think your poll will tell you anything as it too ambiguous. I voted YABU because you're embarassed about your behaviour. Whereas I think lots have voted YANBU to have acted the way you did.

it's not at all uncommon, the 'team' will be well used to it.

im in my 50's and I had emergency surgery at midnight & I was scared I wouldn't make it through (various health issues) & I cried, a lovely woman held my hand until I was fully under. If I'd had to stay 'aware/awake' I'm sure I'd have been the same as you!

from your title I though you were going to say you'd been drunk & fone something regrettable!

hope your recovery is going well xx

Really common its a scary experience whenever this has happened to me in the past they've sedated me quite quickly. They shouldn't of left you long enough to get to that point without helping you. They know the signs they see it everyday.

Before my c section I completely freaked out and had to have a nurse hold my hand. Then, halfway through I started panicking that I needed to get out of there and couldn’t stop shaking, I think I was on the very brink of a panic attack and that felt bad enough so I really sympathise OP.
you were incredibly brave and if your reaction was abnormal they wouldn’t have continued.
i know the feeling of going over something once it’s happened and feeling worse and worse but please don’t - you got through it and had it done and the fact that they al jumped into action to soothe you and reassure you so quickly and smoothly shows how many times they have had to do it before.

Its a normal 'fight or flight' response, for some strange reason I have awful trouble when I have to have blood tests done, Im not scared, it isn't painful but my blood just seems to stop flowing, its every time and bloody annoying and I feel very silly but there it is, it just happens.

Awwww OP that sounds like a completely normal reaction to me. Please don't beat yourself up about it and worry. Take care of yourself and get well soon

I cried during all four of my labours, and during my c/section (I was awake with epidural), and when I was having my 3rd degree tear repaired under spinal block. It's a perfectly natural response.
All the staff were always understanding - apart from one nurse at a routine 12 week scan when I cried my heart out on being told my baby was still in the womb but there was no heartbeat (missed miscarriage), she said "Oh my goodness! You really need to calm down. It happens to lots of women".

The most embarrassing for me though was when I was in my early 20's.
I have always had a phobia of dentists like a lot of people.
I was in the chair preparing to have my tooth filled.
The dentist attached something to my tooth which involved screwing something. I thought it was a device to hold my mouth open (it wasn't), had a massive panic attack, jumped up from the chair screaming hysterically!!!

I cry like a little baby every time I have a general anaesthetic, let alone being kept awake! Totally normal reaction to a scary time, please don’t worry.

I burst into tears as soon as I sat in the dentist’s chair to have my wisdom teeth out. I felt like an idiot but I was absolutely terrified.

Be kind to yourself. It sounds like a scary experience and I‘m sure they see reactions like that all the time.

It's very scary having an operation so your reaction was entirely normal. I am similar in that I often under estimate how I feel about something until I'm doing it. Don't realise I'm going to be sad, scared etc.

I hope your recovery is going well. You've been through a lot so don't beat yourself up feeling embarrassed.

OP please be kind to yourself. The idea of being awake for surgery sounds entirely terrifying to me - did they even offer you a sedative?

I hope you're ok, and glad the medical team were kind - obviously many many people before you will have also had a similar experience to you so you certainly won't be the first patient they've had panicking.

You're being very hard on yourself. The reason the surgical team were so good with you is that they will have seen this many times before. You have nothing to be embarrassed about 💐

Also medical procedures just are scary. The fear of the unknown, the medical environment which unless you work in that area is unfamiliar and signifies something is wrong, the vulnerability, and the fear that something might hurt. I am having a colposcopy on Tuesday and I'm really really really worried about it, in case they need to do a biopsy or and LLETZ as I'm worried it will be uncomfortable/hurt.

This thread makes me realise that the nurse's response to my reaction when being told my baby had no heartbeat (I'd gone along for a routine 12 week scan, having no idea that I had had a missed miscarriage) wasn't normal.
I have been beating myself up for so long (I just cried and cried) thinking I overreacted.
The nurse who was present in the room basically told me to pull myself together as it happens to lots of women. It reminded me of a teacher telling a young child to "stop that crying, and don't be silly".

I have two tales of my own:

I had a mole cut out of my back. I was given a local, couldn't feel a thing and thought I'd be fine. I am fine with the dentist, needles, etc. When it came down to it though, I kept shaking! Even my teeth were chattering! It was just the thought of a knife cutting me up, I think. The nurse kept asking if I was okay. I felt like such a fool, but thinking about it logically, I'm sure I am not the first.

The other time, I had a bronchoscopy. I was semi-sedated. Tubes stuck down my throat to get a look at my lungs. Not enjoyable. After it, I don't know if the doc needed to check I was coming out of the sedation or what, but he asked me date of birth and stuff and asked what I weighed. I said "140 lbs" when I was actually 240 lbs 😊Why did I say that?! It was my weight many years earlier. I am actually that weight now so perhaps that's the power of the subconscious haha. But I did feel embarrassed when I came to properly and realised the rubbish I'd been spouting!

You had an actual operation so I don't know how I'd have behaved during that. But people have all sorts of reactions. We're human, it's natural.

As others have said, please don't be embarrassed. The medical staff will have seen and heard things we can't even imagine. They'll have already forgotten all about it.

As time goes by, you'll feel less shaken up by it all. It was a nice touch to send chocolates.

Please, please don't torture yourself over this.

I had awake surgery (albeit much shorter than 2 hours) on my skull, and the team seemed really surprised that I was fine. This isn't a brag, my point is that your reaction is clearly very very normal, to the point that I was repeatedly asked if I was sure I was OK- got a bit annoying tbh. Please be kind to yourself, it wasn't within your control. I'm glad they looked after you kindly

That's so unbelievably cruel. I am so sorry you went through that.

I am sure that nurse has received a few complaints.

You did really well ❤️‍🩹. I have had several operations without GA, there are lots of reasons why!! GA is not without risks, I get such bad post op vomitting, horrible when you are full of suturing! (Gone are the days of om and scop, pre surgical sedation) no one was phased, I had a nun come round and start screaming she had had a baby! She was really violent. My DH had cancer large growth removed from his face,and an elderly cousin had a hip replacement with spinal block. I am more afraid of being put out.

Don’t know if you’d be allowed OP but I was given Valium once before an op. (It didn’t seem to do anything! but might work for you).

Surgery is scary at the best of times, being awake would terrify me. You were very brave, you got through it.

Please don't be embarrassed. I had a panic attack when I went in for my C-Section 2yrs ago - pretty much I was exactly as you described! I was absolutely fine until I walked into the theatre and then that was it. Please don't feel embarrassed or be hard on yourself

Of course it's a normal reaction, that's why the team handled it so well, they see it all the time hon 💐 I was the same when I had my c section and another time at the dentist. It's a stressful thing to go through, don't be embarrassed, in a nice way they've forgotten all about it x

You had a panic attack op, in what sounds like a very scary situation in which you were very vulnerable. Completely normal. Be kind to yourself.

Oh, just remembered! I used to work in NHS admin and a nurse told me that when she needed an operation, she couldn't believe how afraid and vulnerable she felt being taken to Theatre. Despite working there for years, it was something else when it was her own operation. It is a very scary experience, no doubt about it.

Oh hon I'm sorry, I had exactly the same experience but maybe a little older than you as having seen friends go through it I knew my reaction was normal and just ignored her. I'm sorry she got to you, it's devastating when it happens 💐 xx

I had both ears operated on while awake and completely freaked out both times. Then they filled me with midazolam and then the room could have been on fire and I wouldn't have cared.