To be extremely embarrassed about my behaviour

[itsgonnabeagoodday1]

Hi

i had an operation last week (my first ever) and I was awake during it. It took 2 hours and I wasn’t actually too nervous leading up to it, but as soon as I stepped foot into the operating room I felt something change and I have never, ever been so frightened in my entire life. I started crying pretty much as soon as it started and for some reason couldn’t stop crying (as embarrassed as I was). The nurse let me hold her hand throughout it and I got gradually more and more nervous until about 15 minutes in and I was so upset and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’ve never, ever felt like that before- it was horrendous and I felt like I was literally gasping for air and couldn’t get a breath. At this point I started completely panicking and they stopped the surgery and the surgeon was lovely and basically gave me a handhold and everyone was tellling me to deep breathe in the mouth and out the nose but I felt like I couldn’t, and the more I tried the less I could breath until eventually I was clawing at my own chest because I was so worked up. I’ve never had any sort of panic attack before but I think this might have been my first. The team were all lovely and the nurses helped me and eventually I was able to breathe again but I was pretty much crying throughout the entire thing and I felt so shaken up afterwards.

I don’t understand why I reacted like this. I’m in my 20s and not at all nervous or anxious usually, I wasn’t nervous leading up to it and I don’t even know what I’m particular I was frightened of. But I suddenly freaked out and it was horrendous. My pulse and blood pressure were both normal before it but both started going up as soon as the operation started and eventually when I was panicking most the machine was beeping so much it almost sounded continuous and it seemed to be freaking out the poor nurse who was watching it! The highest it went to was my pulse was 198 and my blood pressure was 207/124 which they said was pretty high! I was trying my best to breathe and not be nervous but it was as if something took over my body and I felt totally paralysed by how scared I was.

i know this isn’t a normal reaction, but is it fairly common or am I complete idiot? I feel so embarrassed- I’ve sent a thank you card and chocolates for the team who helped me but I was just so shaken and surprised at my reaction because I’ve never been so scared before and I feel like an absolute idiot because I’m in my 20s and at one point during it I was crying out for my mam fgs.

not really sure what I’m asking sorry, I’m just really embarrassed by my behaviour and I know I need to let it go but I was just wondering if this is a relatively normal response to surgery and not worthy of being embarrassed about or not because it’s been playing on my mind ever since x

Panic attacks are terrifying, especially when you don't know it's a panic attack. You can't control it. Put it out of your mind OP, be kind to yourself. I don't think there's anything like that not happened in a operating room.

I think it was a bit mean not to put you to sleep! Two hours is a long time to panic. Did they offer??

YANBU. I hate medical procedures (any!!!) and unfortunately have a chronic illness which has involved multiple tests, an autoimmune disease which also involved a bunch of stuff to diagnose and have had multiple cervical biopsies in the past few years.

All fairly low level stuff but honestly I cannot stand it. I have reached the point now where I just tell them to ignore it if I cry and just to carry on 😂

I was awake for my c section and had a similar reaction I was mortified after because when they tried to put my daughter on my chest, I yelled “I’m dying” I thought I was having a heart attack.

They explained that the meds had part responsibility.

Please don’t worry about it.

I'm generally pretty robust about all matters medical and surgical, not at all squeamish and don't freak out easily.

When I had a knee replacement, it was done with sedation and an epidural. The anaesthetist told me that a lot of people like to be awake during surgery, and asked how much sedation I'd like.

The thought of being awake while someone sawed through my leg bones made me feel so sick, I told him I wanted the max he could give me without actually putting me in a coma. I had a lovely sleep, and woke up back in bed feeling fucking fantastic.

Unless there's a medical reason for being awake, I'd never have surgery while awake.

Completely normal OP, please don't feel embarrassed. It was really lovely of you to send chocolates. As a healthcare professional these type of reactions nobody minds at all, it's the ones who get aggressive and abusive that are the problem!
When I had my baby I had to go to theatre for instrumental delivery. I have seen and assisted in literally hundreds of these, I wasn't fazed at all about the possibility. I've also had several unrelated operations. But when they actually wheeled me in it was a different story altogether, I completely lost it. Crying, shaking, total panic, I thought I was going to die, to my shame thought about my baby didn't even enter my head. Most of the staff were lovely especially one in particular but the obstetric registrar said in a rather cutting tone 'mum is rather anxious'. To which I replied, I'm not anxious I'm terrified! Once baby born I calmed down but I definitely felt ridiculous afterwards so I understand how you feel. It will fade with time!

I think the voting is a bit confusing which is why it’s not 100% of the votes.

No one would think that you have anything to be embarrassed about.

Although it must have been so scary for you, it’s completely normal!

Some people get these quite often for sometimes quite regular things, whereas some people rarely get them and it’s only when they’re body is under massive stress.

This was something that you’d never had done before, it is nerve wracking and your body went into flight or fight mode and panicked because the rational part of you knew that you couldn’t run away from it.

You did amazing to stay there and get it done.
Many people would have refused and walked out because they couldn’t cope.

The nurses were probably very proud and admired that you pushed through it.
They absolutely would not have thought you had anything to be embarrassed about.

.

Please insist on a GA for this procedure as its your right to have one. The staff will try to persuade you otherwise as its more work for them to administer GA but it is an incredibly painful procedure unless you have a high pain threshold.

They could see by your blood pressure that you were having a medical reaction to the procedure. So not something you could help and very obviously not faking or just being a wimp. Nothing at all to be embarrassed about.

OP I had a procedure done on my heart last year. They made the incision and as soon as they did I felt every bit of it and I was screaming bloody murder. They added more local anaesthetic but it didn't numb the pain. I had a panic attack and I don't think they believed that I could feel the incision.

I ended up having a horrid panic attack which put me into SVT.

Same as PP they also filled me with midazolam (I had to bed borrow and plead though) and once they did that they could've told me they were amputating my leg and I wouldn't have cared.

It's a normal reaction, don't beat yourself up about it.

Oh darling don't be embarrassed, you had surgery.

As user have said upthread it's a combination of the drugs and your natural survival instinct.

I've had two cysts popped on two separate occasions and I was fine until they did it! Your operation was even more invasive. The nurses and the surgeon are used to this. You are only human.

You did great! You got through it! I hope you are soon well

Oh you poor thing, no don't feel embarrassed at all. Totally normal reaction and actually, if you think about it, completely sensible one.

You're having an operation, your body is literally being cut open or poked or whatever, it's experiencing a trauma that outside of a medical setting could be fatal. The panic was your poor "monkey-brain" as it's referred to reacting to the very unnatural thing that was happening to your body! The primal part of you that perceives danger and boots up your fight or flight instinct - it's why otherwise rational, lovely, sweet natured people can sometimes be found biting dentists or whacking surgeons!

If you'd been able to get up and go you probably would've been able to sprint a marathon on all that adrenaline.

The human body is incredible, and yours was just trying to protect you from harm. Nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

Ahhh OP it happens, please don’t be embarrassed! I’m like that at at the dentist just for a checkup - the tears start just walking into reception to check in and then it’s all downhill from there! God knows how I’d be in an actual operating theatre (and I’m a nurse!)

The team looking after you sound lovely, I’m glad they were kind and patient with you, and they really will have seen it all before. I hope you’re on the mend from your surgery now, and please stop beating yourself up

@linelgreen was your comment re insisting on a GA in response to my later post about the colposcopy in case they do a biopsy / LLETZ? That's exactly what I'm so worried about, as I know full well they try and persuade you no GA is necessary. The leaflet which comes with the appointment says they may do a (punch?) biopsy there and then ie a small one, with nothing, an LLETZ there and then, with a local anaesthetic (which frankly even administering the local sounds painful) or, if you need a cone biopsy, only that would be offered to be done under GA. So what I'm really really anxious about is if they say on the day you need a punch biopsy or an LLETZ they'll say we do it now you don't need GA, and it will be awful.

@itsgonnabeagoodday1 Actually, I thank you for posting this. I think this happens to many people and they are embarrassed to think back on it.

It has happened to me, more than once. For me, I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I "act" like it's no big deal...until I am there and it's going to start. Then I think...."Oh, I really should go for now. I think I left some laundry in the dryer", in other words, full-blown panic attack.

There is nothing they haven't seen and it happens to more than you could imagine.

I hope you are feeling better. {{HUGS}}

Thanks for posting this op.

I absolutely freaked out during my c section and I still think about it. I was terrified.

No her response wasn't normal or OK please put in a complaint against her what a vile human being. I'm really sorry for your loss 💔

As someone who has had a few panic attacks in my life, I completely sympathize. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Your body reacts in unusual ways sometimes. I’m sure every person in that surgery has seen worse. 💚

It's not unusual. The HCPs sound lovely and so do you. You've got nothing to be embarrassed about.

It sounds like you had a panic attack.

I had surgery 10 years ago now on my eye. Had a general for it. Was absolutely fine in the build up to it. Excited to get it done, as it was a quality of life improvement thing. But once I was lying in the operating theatre, waiting for my general, I could feel how hard my heart was pounding, and I was actually really nervous all of a sudden! The nurses actually commented how fast my heart was going!

I think what you experienced is very normal OP.

I had to have a pin put into my broken ankle while awake. I thought I'd be fine with it as I'd already had 3 c-sections while awake and been fine apart from some quite violent shivering.
When I got into the room before the theatre I was crying as I hated the idea of hearing them drill into my leg. Even now the thought of that freaks me out.
The anaesthetist was brilliant though, he gave me something that knocked me right out. I came around a couple of times, but he gave me more and I was gone again.

I'm surprised they never gave you anything as it seems obvious that you were having a panic attack.