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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother at Wedding Dress shop

87 replies

LeclercBeans · 26/10/2023 15:54

Note: Names have been changed for their privacy.

I am going wedding dress shopping with my little cousin (Maddie, 21F) as she and her fiancee (Tom) have been together since age 15/16. Maddie wants to bring her 2 brothers - Charles (32M) and Max (35M) wedding dress shopping as well as her grandmother and me. The only problem is grandma says no to the brothers and she's paying!

Backstory, they are full siblings and their mother basically 'gave them up' when Maddie was 6 months as her husband (their father/my brother) died a month before her birth (RTC) and she started drinking/drugs etc and couldn't care for them as so overwhelmed with 2 boys, a new born and grieving.

As the oldest was only 14ish they moved in with their grandparents (their mums mum, not mine) majority of the time and they lived on and off with me/my parents.

The three of them are very close. Maddie moved in with Max full time in 2011 when she was 9 and Max was 23 as he had a very good job and had a house etc. and they where so close. Charles also moved in in 2010 during the holidays for uni and stayed until he was around 24. Maddie still lives there when she's not at uni.

I'm just saying this so you can see how close they are! So Maddie wants her 2 brothers (and me and her grandmother) to come to the wedding dress shop with her, but her grandma said men don't normally come and it should be just us 3 females.

Maddie is devastated as she wants her brothers to help pick out the dress. I feel I can't really say anything as I'm not related to her grandma (other side of family) and her grandma is contributing quite a large sum to the wedding. Their grandma is very temperamental and stuck in her ways and she has threatened multiple times to not contribute anything to the wedding unless Maddie does this/that etc. Only problem is grandma pushed the location on them and its v expensive and they've put a deposit down so would loose lots of money they can't afford! (Again I know how privileged she is to have someone contributing a big sum!)

Is it normal for men/fathers to come dress shopping (it will just be us in the shop - no other families)? Should I push it more with grandma to let them come? Or tell Maddie to drop it? I just feel with her wedding, she should choose!
I don't know what to do as I don't want to annoy anyone!

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 26/10/2023 15:57

….as they used to say in “Say Yes to the Dress” .. no foxes in the henhouse

(not sure I actually agree, just love the phrase)

BTW, how big is this wedding dress ship, that’s quite the party

EnjoyingTheSilence · 26/10/2023 15:58

Is it the grandmas who’s lose the deposit or Maddie? If the grandma, I’d let her lose the money. If Maddie, I’d tell her to just cut her losses. This won’t be the last demand that grandma makes, Maddie needs to hold firm.

It’s not usual for men to go dress shopping but who cares. If Maddie wants them there and they’re happy to go, then they should go.

AnaisMae · 26/10/2023 16:01

Let the grandma lose the deposit, she deserves to lose it for being a crank.

Also, you have put a lot of info in this post that would be extremely outing.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 26/10/2023 16:02

It's not usual, but Maddie's circumstances sound far from ususal and so I can see why she wants her brothers there on the day.

I agree with PP who says this won't be the last demand the grandmother makes - Maddie needs to pull away from this now, even if it means losing the deposit and having to book somewhere else. She needs to start out married life as she means to go on, and no beholden to anyone.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/10/2023 16:02

The grandmother sounds horrible but with regard to this particular situation I think she's right.

Having all those people there sounds like chaotic hell. If I were you I would persuade Maddie to not have the brothers there and sell it as it being a wonderful surprise seeing her when she walks down the aisle.

JustLurkingAway · 26/10/2023 16:02

Sorry you've got me imagining Leclerc & Verstappen going wedding dress shopping together nowGrin

Of course they should go if that's what the bride wants!!

Luckydog7 · 26/10/2023 16:03

This will only get worse. I suggest that maddie takes a big step back and tells her grandmother that she doesn't want her money anymore and they will do it themselves at a budget they can afford. She is using her money to pull everyone's sleeves. This is the woman who brought up someone who abandoned her children and went off the rails so now I'm wondering if there is a connection.

Iknowthis1 · 26/10/2023 16:04

Very unusual for men to come wedding dress shopping. It there just one appointment in the shop at that time or will there be other brides there?

In terms of numbers, there is absolutely no need for that many people. Say yes to the dress has a lot to answer for.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 26/10/2023 16:04

I've been married for 20 years, but I brought my mum, my MIL (to be) and 3 bridesmaids with me when I went dress shopping! It was a lovely day out, we had lunch & drinks afterwards. The size of the party isn't unusual, I think it's the fact that the 2 brothers will be there. But that's totally up to Maddie, and understandable given her circumstances.

Luckydog7 · 26/10/2023 16:04

Strings!!!

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/10/2023 16:04

Not the point - but isn't Maddie your niece if her Dad was your brother?

Maddie should have who she wants with her but this might upset her gran, obviously. I think a sit-down chat with gran is needed.

itsmylife7 · 26/10/2023 16:05

If the brothers were sisters would Granny have any issues then.

I think the Granny is being ridiculous in this particular situation.

Zebedee55 · 26/10/2023 16:13

Picking out a dress is a female thing - why would anyone want men there?🤔

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/10/2023 16:16

If Maddie wants her brothers there then I think she should have them there.

However! In this situation, I think Maddie should wait to get married and do it when she can afford for her and Tom to be able to pay for it themselves. Then they will not have Granny issuing threats and ultimatums.

As it is right now, Granny is spoiling it for her and she'd be better to do things on her own terms when she can afford it.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/10/2023 16:17

Can't you whatsapp pictures to the brothers so they can contribute without having to hang around through interminable changes of clothes?

AnnaBegins · 26/10/2023 16:25

Granny is being ridiculous! Your cousin needs the people there who will be the most supportive but also honest. I took my DH wedding dress shopping! That was because I knew he'd be the perfect counterbalance to my DM's negativity and criticism, and my bridesmaids weren't available. It raised eyebrows but was perfect!

Original poster
LeclercBeans · 26/10/2023 16:27

JustLurkingAway · 26/10/2023 16:02

Sorry you've got me imagining Leclerc & Verstappen going wedding dress shopping together nowGrin

Of course they should go if that's what the bride wants!!

Thats where I got the names haha!

OP posts:
Original poster
LeclercBeans · 26/10/2023 16:28

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/10/2023 16:04

Not the point - but isn't Maddie your niece if her Dad was your brother?

Maddie should have who she wants with her but this might upset her gran, obviously. I think a sit-down chat with gran is needed.

Technically she is my neice, but as me and her brothers aren't too far in age and they often stayed at my house with my parents I often just say cousins as it describes the relationship better than neice/nephew

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 26/10/2023 16:32

Let the old bat loose the deposit and leave her at home. Rest of you go wedding dress shopping somewhere else.

ZiriForGood · 26/10/2023 16:34

If the bride wants a specific men to go shopping for the dress with her and they are willing, there is no reason why they can't.

I would be very worried about other artificial rules the grandmother will invent.

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2023 16:35

Tell Grandma to keep her money. Fuck the deposit. Maddie and Tom should have the wedding they want without Grandma dictating everything.

AlwaysFreezing · 26/10/2023 16:36

Poor bloody maddie. She does not need to be dictated to by granny and her cash. Give maddie the option of blowing it all up. Sometimes people need permission!

Fuck the money. You can actually get married for a couple for hundred quid in a register Office.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2023 16:40

How long is she going to let grandma run her life?

She needs to say no and say it now. So what if they lose the deposit and end up with a smaller wedding, they will have gained their independence.

Lizzieregina · 26/10/2023 16:42

There nothing I hate more than money with a lot of strings attached.

Maddie should tell granny to fuck off and take her money with her.

It’s unusual for men to participate in wedding dress shopping, but it’s up to the bride to have whoever she wants.

TempName247 · 26/10/2023 16:48

Go in secret with Maddie and her brothers without Gran, then go again with Gran so she can pay for the dress. To be honest though I think 21 is too young to be getting married 😬.