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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother at Wedding Dress shop

87 replies

LeclercBeans · 26/10/2023 15:54

Note: Names have been changed for their privacy.

I am going wedding dress shopping with my little cousin (Maddie, 21F) as she and her fiancee (Tom) have been together since age 15/16. Maddie wants to bring her 2 brothers - Charles (32M) and Max (35M) wedding dress shopping as well as her grandmother and me. The only problem is grandma says no to the brothers and she's paying!

Backstory, they are full siblings and their mother basically 'gave them up' when Maddie was 6 months as her husband (their father/my brother) died a month before her birth (RTC) and she started drinking/drugs etc and couldn't care for them as so overwhelmed with 2 boys, a new born and grieving.

As the oldest was only 14ish they moved in with their grandparents (their mums mum, not mine) majority of the time and they lived on and off with me/my parents.

The three of them are very close. Maddie moved in with Max full time in 2011 when she was 9 and Max was 23 as he had a very good job and had a house etc. and they where so close. Charles also moved in in 2010 during the holidays for uni and stayed until he was around 24. Maddie still lives there when she's not at uni.

I'm just saying this so you can see how close they are! So Maddie wants her 2 brothers (and me and her grandmother) to come to the wedding dress shop with her, but her grandma said men don't normally come and it should be just us 3 females.

Maddie is devastated as she wants her brothers to help pick out the dress. I feel I can't really say anything as I'm not related to her grandma (other side of family) and her grandma is contributing quite a large sum to the wedding. Their grandma is very temperamental and stuck in her ways and she has threatened multiple times to not contribute anything to the wedding unless Maddie does this/that etc. Only problem is grandma pushed the location on them and its v expensive and they've put a deposit down so would loose lots of money they can't afford! (Again I know how privileged she is to have someone contributing a big sum!)

Is it normal for men/fathers to come dress shopping (it will just be us in the shop - no other families)? Should I push it more with grandma to let them come? Or tell Maddie to drop it? I just feel with her wedding, she should choose!
I don't know what to do as I don't want to annoy anyone!

OP posts:

nzborn · 26/10/2023 18:36

I think it's lovely she wants her brother's there

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 26/10/2023 18:40

The Grandma is sexist but....she's paying! Also it's only dress shopping, I cannot imagine those boys want to be there in any way shape or form! I wouldn't want my brother with me, that would creep me out.
Boundaries!!! Healthy boundaries

Doormatnomore · 26/10/2023 18:43

I lost my dad young, bur older than Maddie and still had my mum. But those stage of life things still have a gaping hole. Maybe wedding dress shopping isn’t important or special to everyone but maybe maddie just wants her brothers as involved as possible because neither her mum or dad will be there.

my dh and brother in law (other side) would love hours in a dress shop and presumably Maddie knows her brothers!

id be telling granny to shove it and either they come or she’ll buy a dress off the internet and tell everyone. If granny is so worried about “appearances” that’ll focus the mind.

Ladyaelic · 26/10/2023 18:47

Let me guess, granny didn't get the wedding of HER dreams so she's determined granddaughter IS going to get the wedding granny would have liked... And granny also thinks love can be bought. Personally I'd be telling her where to stick her filthy lucre though I'm not sure I'd have been able to at 21...

meganorks · 26/10/2023 18:52

I'm overly invested in 'say yes to the dress' and the 'no foxes in the hen house' is usually about the fiance. While it is more usual just to have female friends and family, there are quite often dads/brothers/gay best friends etc.

She should be able to do what she wants for her wedding. It sounds like grandma is enjoying the power play and is going to make the wedding what she wants. Probably best to cut her losses now

BrimfulOfMash · 26/10/2023 19:00

Who cares what is ‘usual’ or what anyone else does?

She wants her brothers.

Who fulfilled many of the roles of a mother in the absence of grandmother’s daughter!!!

Whoever is most likely to make the grandmother see sense should talk to her.

If she won’t budge I think your niece could write her a letter saying how very important it is to her, so with huge thanks for setting up the shop visit, she would like to make her own arrangement and invite who she likes. Including grandmother if she would like to come.

custardcream3 · 26/10/2023 22:43

Zebedee55 Because they are men who are equally involved and invested in their daughters. My husband and I just went to our daughters second fitting. He's her dad, he's bought her clothes from when she was born, he's bathed her, read bedtime stories, fed her, had days out, done homework, taken the call when her boyfriend finished with her, you get the point. We are equal parents, he didn't give an opinion on each dress other than to say she looked beautiful in each one because he knew his opinion on the dress was irrelevant but he's still a parent and was very welcome!

Gymnopedie · 27/10/2023 00:21

Also it's only dress shopping, I cannot imagine those boys want to be there in any way shape or form!

Can't you whatsapp pictures to the brothers so they can contribute without having to hang around through interminable changes of clothes?

Maybe they really want to be there? (a) because they love Maddie and (b) because they want to protect Maddie from her grandmother.

Catsmere · 27/10/2023 01:43

My first thought is whether there will be other women there choosing dresses. They wouldn't be likely to want men in the shop.

2jacqi · 27/10/2023 01:48

so really Max brought her up from the age of 9? of course he should be there if she wants him there. granny needs to get a life and stop dictating to maddie just how her wedding is going to be!

Thepossibility · 27/10/2023 02:25

I went dress shopping with my Nan, mum and bridesmaids. It was awful and stressful with all the negative opinions. Nan was the worst. Everyone liking different things and hating others opinions with a passion. Very disheartening.

I ended up randomly going to see a dress I saw in a magazine with my brothers. They were so complimentary and lovely, it was a much nicer experience. I bought the dress with no regrets.
Although on my wedding day Nan said the dresses she chose for me were nicer

The gran is a fucking bitch, using what should be a lovely day as a power trip. Why should she get her way?

Autiebibliophile · 27/10/2023 03:54

I'd go with you and brothers to choose the dress. Then return at a later date to'chose' the dress with grandma

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 27/10/2023 04:21

It's up to Maddie, but she is very young to be getting married and sounds far too enmeshed with her brothers.

PinkNailpolish · 27/10/2023 04:33

If I was you, OP, I'd be telling my niece to wait a few years and save up the money for a smaller wedding. Her grandma will forever hold this over her. She will forever be in her debt and will never hear the end of this.

The couple is only 21 so they should focus on building a career so they can fund a smaller wedding. Maybe having some financial support from family, but avoiding grandma paying for everything.

MotherofWhippets81 · 27/10/2023 06:40

Trouble is if you take two trips she will pick a dress she loves and then Granny will say no to it and break her heart. It won't end with the who can come to the shop. She'll want final say on the dress too.

I have a friend with a mother like this - generous with money but uses it to control. I think you need to have a sit down with Maddie and talk to her about this and is she going to get the wedding she wants or granny wants.

Lose10kyesterday · 27/10/2023 07:20

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 27/10/2023 04:21

It's up to Maddie, but she is very young to be getting married and sounds far too enmeshed with her brothers.

Another day, another strange MN take on family. "Far too enmeshed with her brothers" - what on earth!

Sugarfree23 · 27/10/2023 07:33

TempName247 · 26/10/2023 16:48

Go in secret with Maddie and her brothers without Gran, then go again with Gran so she can pay for the dress. To be honest though I think 21 is too young to be getting married 😬.

Thats exactly what I was thinking.

Unless she decides that really she'd rather cut Grans money out the equation.

Is Granny the one who is encouraging the girl to get married? I don't think I've come across such a young bride since the '90s.

Sugarfree23 · 27/10/2023 07:45

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 27/10/2023 04:21

It's up to Maddie, but she is very young to be getting married and sounds far too enmeshed with her brothers.

Her oldest brother raised her from about the age of 9 and the other brother moved in a year or so later.

Who knows what lead to her moving in with her brother in the first place, that's a huge responsibility for a young guy to take on.

The brothers are effectively mum, dad and everything else to her.

WHALESURPRISE · 27/10/2023 10:00

Definitely have a secret first trip, that way she can also make sure that they only dresses shown to granny are ones she really loves. Is she prepared for the fact that granny will have the final say on which dress she buys?
She was a wally to agree to the money offered with massive strings attached.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 10:03

@TempName247 My Mum got married to my Dad at 22 and they were married for 46 years until my Dad passed away. It wasn't unusual back then either.

Coffeerum · 27/10/2023 10:06

Goodornot · 26/10/2023 17:12

5 people to shop for a wedding dress? That's too many. Imagine if every bride brought 4 people with her.

What would be the impact?
Many wedding dress shops are private appointments only. Every bride having 5 people would have no impact on anyone else.

Cosyblankets · 27/10/2023 10:08

Doesn't matter what the norm is.
Matters what the bride wants
If granny wants to attach strings to her offer of payment then those strings need to be cut and she will have to pay for her own dress.

ElFupacabra · 27/10/2023 10:22

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 26/10/2023 18:40

Maybe her brothers are more enlightened than yours? Maybe she has a much better relationship with her brothers than you do? It seems FAR, FAR from healthy to be creeped out over the thought of loved ones being present for support when you choose a wedding dress.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/10/2023 10:24

Should be entirely the bride’s decision.

Ducksinthebath · 27/10/2023 10:31

Does Maddie do everything by committee? It all sounds a bit much, not least getting married at 21, but that's just my personal view.

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