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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find contact centre so frustrating?

96 replies

Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 12:57

I go with a family friend to see her DS (who is in foster care) at a contact centre as she finds it extremely anxiety inducing. I honestly had no idea how awful it is!

Many of the supervisors seem to think they know it all and constantly undermine.

So an example of what happened today. We planned to take DS to have his hair cut. As DF (friend) got DS into the buggy the supervisor expressed doubt if there was a rain cover. DF commented that it wasn't raining. Supervisor insisted it was. It didn't look as if it was so I assumed if it was it was very light. I said we could make sure he was covered with his blanket and have the hood up. Supervisor said no it will get soaked (the blanket). Anyway we got outside and it wasn't raining. Supervisor put her umbrella up for a while as if she couldn't be wrong.

On the way DF talked about how she was going to get it cut. She wanted to keep some of his curls on top but make sure it would be well out of his eyes and easier for his foster carer to manage with brushing etc as she has been struggling. Supervisor kept giving her opinion on how it should be cut to make it look nicer. It already looks lovely just needs dealing with for practicality. But she just kept insisting it should be cut in a certain way. It was just frustrating for DF and unnecessary.

We arrived at the hairdresser and supervisor stayed in the waiting area while DF and I took DS to the other end of the salon for the haircut. 4yo DS has autism and is non-verbal. We tried to distract him with Peppa pig but every time the hairdresser tried to comb his hair, he threw himself backwards. He is very tall for his age and very heavy and DF is very petite so it took all her strength to hold him. Naturally she was getting very hot and bothered. She had to give up on the hair cut as it was too dangerous with him being so unsettled. She was upset as she really wanted it cut for the practical reasons mentioned above. She just needed a few minutes to take a few breathes but the supervisor kept on at her about why she shouldn't be upset and therefore DF had to keep explaining why she was upset and supervisor just couldn't read the room atall and just leave her alone. She was just winding DF up and I was just next to her whispering it's ok, just ignore her. After a while I told DF how I had distracted my autistic DS while having a hair cut by giving him something to eat. Supervisor pipes up you can't do that as he'd get hair in his mouth. She then decided the hairdresser just didn't want to cut DS's hair and he would be fine with a different hairdresser. I explained that wasn't the case, but no she was right even though she wasn't even near us during the hair cut attempt. Supervisor then suggests DF gives DS chocolate buttons during the hair cut!! But when I suggested something to eat it wasn't suitable!

This is the short version. I would talk about things based on my experience of autistic DC or DF would and pretty much every time we were wrong according to supervisor. It is honestly baffling. I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?

I'm hoping we can get contact moved to my house soon as the contact centre is so bad for DF's mental health (and mine!!)

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 26/10/2023 13:11

It's hard to give real advice when this is so one sided.
It's all you being made to be entirely reasonable and then superviser entirely unreasonable.
However this stands out "I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?"
Of course they aren't just meant to observe. They are there because it has been decided that the parent shouldn't have contact alone so they are there to do more than observe.

Honestly taking a 4 year old who has autism out to have a haircut when 2 adults he doesn't live with sounds like a recipe for disaster and I would question your friend's thought process on this. She wasn't really thinking of her son with this outing.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/10/2023 13:24

If they are using a contact centre then I would assume there is some reason they cannot be alone with their child

Therefore the supervisor is there to ensure the child is safe. They are the ones who would face backlash if something happened because they hadn't made a suggestion or stepped in when there was a problem.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 26/10/2023 13:27

None of your business

Presumably that kid is in care for a reason so keep out of that side of things. Sounds like you made things worse tbh

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/10/2023 13:28

Can you request a different supervisor?

Anonymouseposter · 26/10/2023 13:31

From how you describe it I think the supervisor was exceeding her remit. She’s there to make sure the child is safe and that nothing inappropriate is said. Her role is only to intervene in that situation and otherwise just to report back. She shouldn’t be saying what hairstyle the child should have etc. It wasn’t a good idea to choose the contact time to do something that would be difficult for the child.

Icedlatteplease · 26/10/2023 13:34

If you have contact through a contact centre, do something fun that benefits the child. Something that allows the child a positive experience and bonding with mum

You do not do something stressful

Hair cutting an child with major levels of autism is Highly stressful for all concerned. Your friend is really showing considerable lack of judgement.

The problem here really isn't the supervisor.

Your DF needs to show a a normal or higher level of responsibility (I always had the raincover to DS's SN buggy rain or not, there were lots of occasions it was beneficial not just rain) not a willful disregard for the opinions of people who are supporting your child

Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 13:48

Coffeerum · 26/10/2023 13:11

It's hard to give real advice when this is so one sided.
It's all you being made to be entirely reasonable and then superviser entirely unreasonable.
However this stands out "I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?"
Of course they aren't just meant to observe. They are there because it has been decided that the parent shouldn't have contact alone so they are there to do more than observe.

Honestly taking a 4 year old who has autism out to have a haircut when 2 adults he doesn't live with sounds like a recipe for disaster and I would question your friend's thought process on this. She wasn't really thinking of her son with this outing.

Yes, I get what you mean. But the contact centre have told us the supervisor should be a detached observer.

The thing is the little boy really needs his hair cut and the foster carer can't do it. His mum has always taken him for his hair cuts and he is calmest with her. She really was thinking of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 13:51

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/10/2023 13:24

If they are using a contact centre then I would assume there is some reason they cannot be alone with their child

Therefore the supervisor is there to ensure the child is safe. They are the ones who would face backlash if something happened because they hadn't made a suggestion or stepped in when there was a problem.

Oh absolutely. But there were no problems that she needed to step in with. She didn't need to disagree with everything we said especially objective facts like if it is raining or not! It's just unnecessary and I feel sorry for parents who have no other option than a contact centre.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 26/10/2023 13:53

You know the supervisor s aren't just observers your friend couldn't really cope why would contact be moved to your house?

Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 13:56

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 26/10/2023 13:27

None of your business

Presumably that kid is in care for a reason so keep out of that side of things. Sounds like you made things worse tbh

I absolutely didn't. I kept things calm when they were getting heated. I'm there to support mum as well as continue my relationship with the little boy. I have time when I care for him on my own and have also been approved to supervise DF, just waiting for bureaucracy to kick in and we'll be out of the contact centre.

I just think the supervisor's attitude is so unnecessary and cause additional anxiety making it hard for parents to access contact.

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 26/10/2023 13:57

Yes, I get what you mean. But the contact centre have told us the supervisor should be a detached observer.

This sounds very naive, of course they aren’t a detached observer. They are there with the intention of keeping a child safe because it is deemed unsafe for them to be with the parent alone.

Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 13:58

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/10/2023 13:28

Can you request a different supervisor?

I'm not sure. It seems that a fair few have this attitude for some reason. The one we had today isn't usually like it though so maybe she was just having a bad day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:00

Anonymouseposter · 26/10/2023 13:31

From how you describe it I think the supervisor was exceeding her remit. She’s there to make sure the child is safe and that nothing inappropriate is said. Her role is only to intervene in that situation and otherwise just to report back. She shouldn’t be saying what hairstyle the child should have etc. It wasn’t a good idea to choose the contact time to do something that would be difficult for the child.

Yes, it was exactly that.

Unfortunately, he really needs his hair cut as it is getting very long and going in his eyes and the foster carer is finding it hard to brush and tie up out of his face.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 26/10/2023 14:03

These "supervisors" have to be hypervigilant because their first priority is to vulnerable children In Foster care. So yes they might be a bit sharp or to the point.

Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:04

Icedlatteplease · 26/10/2023 13:34

If you have contact through a contact centre, do something fun that benefits the child. Something that allows the child a positive experience and bonding with mum

You do not do something stressful

Hair cutting an child with major levels of autism is Highly stressful for all concerned. Your friend is really showing considerable lack of judgement.

The problem here really isn't the supervisor.

Your DF needs to show a a normal or higher level of responsibility (I always had the raincover to DS's SN buggy rain or not, there were lots of occasions it was beneficial not just rain) not a willful disregard for the opinions of people who are supporting your child

As I've already explained his hair really needs a cut for his benefit.

The buggy is the contact centre's buggy so it is not in DF's control if there is a rain cover or not (as it happened there was). DF asked for a rain cover, it was only as supervisor suggested there may not be one that I commented about the hood/blanket.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:06

Mrsjayy · 26/10/2023 13:53

You know the supervisor s aren't just observers your friend couldn't really cope why would contact be moved to your house?

Well yes, they would obviously step in if there was a safety issue. But that wasn't the case today. She stepped in when it was unnecessary.

I've been approved to supervise DF for her contact so will move to my house soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:08

Coffeerum · 26/10/2023 13:57

Yes, I get what you mean. But the contact centre have told us the supervisor should be a detached observer.

This sounds very naive, of course they aren’t a detached observer. They are there with the intention of keeping a child safe because it is deemed unsafe for them to be with the parent alone.

Yes, of course the caveat is they would step in if anything unsafe was happening but that wasn't the case here.

OP posts:
x2boys · 26/10/2023 14:09

Coffeerum · 26/10/2023 13:11

It's hard to give real advice when this is so one sided.
It's all you being made to be entirely reasonable and then superviser entirely unreasonable.
However this stands out "I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?"
Of course they aren't just meant to observe. They are there because it has been decided that the parent shouldn't have contact alone so they are there to do more than observe.

Honestly taking a 4 year old who has autism out to have a haircut when 2 adults he doesn't live with sounds like a recipe for disaster and I would question your friend's thought process on this. She wasn't really thinking of her son with this outing.

I have to.agree ,my severely autistic son is 13 now and haircuts have always been stress ful.so much so my dh did with Clippers for years
He now has it done at his special school by an amazing barber who.has slowly built up.a,relationship with the children to.let him.cut their hair
If I had supervised and limited contact I wouldn't be using it to put myself and child in a stressful.situation.

AmyandPhilipfan · 26/10/2023 14:09

Why can't the foster carer get his hair cut OP?

Contact supervisors are meant to stay in the background as much as possible so it does sound like this one is overstepping the mark.

If you have already been approved to supervise contact in the future I would probably just let it go as hopefully the situation shouldn't last much longer.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 26/10/2023 14:10

She maybe stepped in as she wanted to avoid a neglectful situation happening

This is her job. She will see these issues a lot

I don't think you slagging her off on the internet is right tbh

We only have YOUR version of events

Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:12

Mrsjayy · 26/10/2023 14:03

These "supervisors" have to be hypervigilant because their first priority is to vulnerable children In Foster care. So yes they might be a bit sharp or to the point.

Yes, that's a good point. But I don't see how it affects safety commenting on how he should have his hair cut etc. In DD's case the supervisors do 'hang back' a lot, they don't have to be right there with DS or in the room at the centre all the time for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:14

x2boys · 26/10/2023 14:09

I have to.agree ,my severely autistic son is 13 now and haircuts have always been stress ful.so much so my dh did with Clippers for years
He now has it done at his special school by an amazing barber who.has slowly built up.a,relationship with the children to.let him.cut their hair
If I had supervised and limited contact I wouldn't be using it to put myself and child in a stressful.situation.

Show quote history

I've been there with my own DS and yes it is tough. But sometimes you have to do the tough things for the DC's own welfare. This is the hairdresser he always goes to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:17

AmyandPhilipfan · 26/10/2023 14:09

Why can't the foster carer get his hair cut OP?

Contact supervisors are meant to stay in the background as much as possible so it does sound like this one is overstepping the mark.

If you have already been approved to supervise contact in the future I would probably just let it go as hopefully the situation shouldn't last much longer.

She struggles to hold him as he is so tall/strong/heavy. He also gets very upset with her. I suppose he is just used to his mum taking him and has a very strong bond with her. He does also have a bond with the FC and she is so good with him and looks after him so well, she is just struggling with him physically and with doing things he doesn't like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 14:19

AmyandPhilipfan · 26/10/2023 14:09

Why can't the foster carer get his hair cut OP?

Contact supervisors are meant to stay in the background as much as possible so it does sound like this one is overstepping the mark.

If you have already been approved to supervise contact in the future I would probably just let it go as hopefully the situation shouldn't last much longer.

And yes, we are going to let it go. No use complaining. I just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/10/2023 14:22

From how you describe it I think the supervisor was exceeding her remit. She’s there to make sure the child is safe and that nothing inappropriate is said.

They are also there to assess parenting capacity, to ensure the parent has forethought about the child’s needs, is able to regulate her own emotional response to the child when things are challenging and respond to the child’s needs in an appropriate way. When a child is in care supervised contact serves as part of the assessment process particularly where it’s anticipated the child will be returned to their parents care at some point.

The supervisor was doing her job.

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