To find contact centre so frustrating?

[Autumnvibes23]

I go with a family friend to see her DS (who is in foster care) at a contact centre as she finds it extremely anxiety inducing. I honestly had no idea how awful it is!

Many of the supervisors seem to think they know it all and constantly undermine.

So an example of what happened today. We planned to take DS to have his hair cut. As DF (friend) got DS into the buggy the supervisor expressed doubt if there was a rain cover. DF commented that it wasn't raining. Supervisor insisted it was. It didn't look as if it was so I assumed if it was it was very light. I said we could make sure he was covered with his blanket and have the hood up. Supervisor said no it will get soaked (the blanket). Anyway we got outside and it wasn't raining. Supervisor put her umbrella up for a while as if she couldn't be wrong.

On the way DF talked about how she was going to get it cut. She wanted to keep some of his curls on top but make sure it would be well out of his eyes and easier for his foster carer to manage with brushing etc as she has been struggling. Supervisor kept giving her opinion on how it should be cut to make it look nicer. It already looks lovely just needs dealing with for practicality. But she just kept insisting it should be cut in a certain way. It was just frustrating for DF and unnecessary.

We arrived at the hairdresser and supervisor stayed in the waiting area while DF and I took DS to the other end of the salon for the haircut. 4yo DS has autism and is non-verbal. We tried to distract him with Peppa pig but every time the hairdresser tried to comb his hair, he threw himself backwards. He is very tall for his age and very heavy and DF is very petite so it took all her strength to hold him. Naturally she was getting very hot and bothered. She had to give up on the hair cut as it was too dangerous with him being so unsettled. She was upset as she really wanted it cut for the practical reasons mentioned above. She just needed a few minutes to take a few breathes but the supervisor kept on at her about why she shouldn't be upset and therefore DF had to keep explaining why she was upset and supervisor just couldn't read the room atall and just leave her alone. She was just winding DF up and I was just next to her whispering it's ok, just ignore her. After a while I told DF how I had distracted my autistic DS while having a hair cut by giving him something to eat. Supervisor pipes up you can't do that as he'd get hair in his mouth. She then decided the hairdresser just didn't want to cut DS's hair and he would be fine with a different hairdresser. I explained that wasn't the case, but no she was right even though she wasn't even near us during the hair cut attempt. Supervisor then suggests DF gives DS chocolate buttons during the hair cut!! But when I suggested something to eat it wasn't suitable!

This is the short version. I would talk about things based on my experience of autistic DC or DF would and pretty much every time we were wrong according to supervisor. It is honestly baffling. I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?

I'm hoping we can get contact moved to my house soon as the contact centre is so bad for DF's mental health (and mine!!)

Of course you only have my version as is the case with any other post! Do you want me to ask her to post her version?!!

What neglectful situation did she step in on?

I'm not slagging anyone off, just venting at how frustrating I find it. If all my experience of autism is really so wrong it's a wonder I'm allowed to keep my own DC, care for DF's DC and be able to supervise her contact!

But there were no issues with DF having forethought, emotion regulation, or responding to her DC. That's the point.

Well I've no clue really about your friend it will depend on each child/parent situation what supervision is needed. Without going into detail I've been involved in supervision contacts and sometimes I had to be on top of everything and what would look like over cautious.

Yes, that makes sense. And yes, of course I don't want to go into too much detail about my DF's case. Maybe the supervisor is so used to stepping in she was doing it out of habit. But she was stepping in when she didn't need to. It isn't necessary to insist it's raining when it wasn't, DF had already asked for the rain cover in case it did start raining. It wasn't necessary to comment on what hair cut she liked best when DF needed to meet the needs of her DS and his FC. And it was wrong for her to blame the hairdresser when he did nothing wrong! He was just thinking of the DC's safety!

You described her not having a rain cover - which isn’t her fault if one wasn’t provided but I’d expect her to be able to explain what she’d do to protect him from the rain or ask for a different buggy. You said she became upset when her child became distressed at the hair dresser and needed to step back, she needs to be able to predict what her child might need having his hair cut and to know when it’s just not happening and call it a day. There’s also a lot of you explaining to the supervisor about the buggy, hairdresser etc which are all things your friend should be attending to as the child’s parent.

From what you’ve written you’ve been overly involved in contact, supporting your friend should mean being there as moral support not involving yourself in what’s happening between mum and the supervisor. Her child has been removed from her care, she needs to be able to show that she can parent him without you telling her what to do.

In DD's case the supervisors do 'hang back' a lot, they don't have to be right there with DS or in the room at the centre all the time for example.

Is your child also in care?

No, I said the supervisor expressed doubt if there was a rain cover (there was one) and I just suggested he would be ok with the hood and blanket if there really wasn't a rain cover. And he would have been.

I said she was upset at not being able to have his hair cut and a bit hot and bothered. She didn't need to step back she just needed a few breathes once we were out of the hairdresser's. She did predict what he would need based on previous visits and had Peppa pig ready. And she did call it a day when she saw DS was just not in the mood for it.

Yes, that's a good point about me saying things, but often it was because DF was explaining to the supervisor and she just wasn't listening. I was often just backing up DF.

But to be clear she's not at a point where she needs to prove anything.

No my DC aren't in care! I meant DF, sorry!

I agree with this.
Totally bizarre choices by your friend.

But to be clear she's not at a point where she needs to prove anything.

Contact is supervised for a reason, unless the plan is that her child is going to be placed permanently in foster care or adoption part of the supervision will be assessing her ability to parent her child.

The threshold for removal is very high. They have significant concerns about your friend's ability to care for her child, they are not there to be bystanders. It sounds like she acted appropriately.

While I understand she's your friend you're not doing that child any favours by being negative around professionals.

When I worked for SS, one of the lessons people struggled to learn was, the SW is the expert in services, development, general SW. The parent is the expert about their child.

Even poor parents need to feel that they are heard about their child.

My only caveat is I'm not looking at the assessment. It's entirely possible that neglect (the buggy) and safety (food at the hairdresser) are in there and therefore a flag for the supervisor.

Not bizarre atall. She is meeting her DC's needs by having his hair cut.

Yes, I know. But all decisions have been made. I don't want to go into too much detail, obviously. But I appreciate that is part of their role.

Have you posted about you and this friend and the contact centre before and how all the professional are just awful and dreadful and you are the correct person to be helping with her parenting and they were wrong to remove him?

I wasn't negative around the supervisor. I remained polite at all times.

Commenting on how a child should has their hair cut ignoring the needs of the DC, insisting it is raining when it isn't and undermining my actual experience with an autistic child (and then suggesting the exact same thing herself) were not appropriate, imo.

Yes, it really is an issue.

There was no neglect with the buggy, DF was asking for a rain cover (she knew they have them as used one before) it was just the supervisor doubting if there was one. And the thing about food at the hairdresser which I suggested as I have that experience is that later she suggested it herself! It was honestly baffling.

I've not posted about this before. But I have commented on a couple of threads around the subject I think. Sometimes they are wrong to remove DC. Social workers/judges etc aren't infallible.

You are right sometimes mistakes are made but surely you know why your friends child is in care but you disagree because well she's your friend.

I understand it wasn't. Just that the supervisor may be overly vigilant because of flags.

I thought the issue started as supervisor wanted her to take a raincover but you and df said it wasn't needed but now is df wanted one and it's supervisors fault there's not one?

I know why is in care, yes. And no I don't disagree because she is my friend. I don't disagree about him being in foster care right now. DF is not in a position to have him back due to housing. I don't want to go into too much detail but the guardian was instrumental in the decisions that have been made and she was of the opinion that DF wasn't given the support that would have enabled him to stay with her. Which is a real shame, but it's water under the bridge now. Support needs to be put in place for DF and she needs housing. But, hings are taking a very positive turn now which is great for DF and her DS.

Yes, I see your point, thank you.

Unless you have changed a significant amount of the details I think it is really irresponsible to post about confidential issues around another person's child on a major social media platform.
There is a high standard of confidentiality expected in such situations and you aren't doing your friend any favors if this comes to light at the contact center.

But it doesn't seem that your friend is able to do anymore than the FC. And your friend only has very limited time with the child it needs to be positive for the child. Your friend really does not want to be doing something she knows leads to Physical restraint

If the FC can't do it there needs to be a plan put in place in conjunction with SS.

Your friend really is showing poor judgement.