To find contact centre so frustrating?

[Autumnvibes23]

I go with a family friend to see her DS (who is in foster care) at a contact centre as she finds it extremely anxiety inducing. I honestly had no idea how awful it is!

Many of the supervisors seem to think they know it all and constantly undermine.

So an example of what happened today. We planned to take DS to have his hair cut. As DF (friend) got DS into the buggy the supervisor expressed doubt if there was a rain cover. DF commented that it wasn't raining. Supervisor insisted it was. It didn't look as if it was so I assumed if it was it was very light. I said we could make sure he was covered with his blanket and have the hood up. Supervisor said no it will get soaked (the blanket). Anyway we got outside and it wasn't raining. Supervisor put her umbrella up for a while as if she couldn't be wrong.

On the way DF talked about how she was going to get it cut. She wanted to keep some of his curls on top but make sure it would be well out of his eyes and easier for his foster carer to manage with brushing etc as she has been struggling. Supervisor kept giving her opinion on how it should be cut to make it look nicer. It already looks lovely just needs dealing with for practicality. But she just kept insisting it should be cut in a certain way. It was just frustrating for DF and unnecessary.

We arrived at the hairdresser and supervisor stayed in the waiting area while DF and I took DS to the other end of the salon for the haircut. 4yo DS has autism and is non-verbal. We tried to distract him with Peppa pig but every time the hairdresser tried to comb his hair, he threw himself backwards. He is very tall for his age and very heavy and DF is very petite so it took all her strength to hold him. Naturally she was getting very hot and bothered. She had to give up on the hair cut as it was too dangerous with him being so unsettled. She was upset as she really wanted it cut for the practical reasons mentioned above. She just needed a few minutes to take a few breathes but the supervisor kept on at her about why she shouldn't be upset and therefore DF had to keep explaining why she was upset and supervisor just couldn't read the room atall and just leave her alone. She was just winding DF up and I was just next to her whispering it's ok, just ignore her. After a while I told DF how I had distracted my autistic DS while having a hair cut by giving him something to eat. Supervisor pipes up you can't do that as he'd get hair in his mouth. She then decided the hairdresser just didn't want to cut DS's hair and he would be fine with a different hairdresser. I explained that wasn't the case, but no she was right even though she wasn't even near us during the hair cut attempt. Supervisor then suggests DF gives DS chocolate buttons during the hair cut!! But when I suggested something to eat it wasn't suitable!

This is the short version. I would talk about things based on my experience of autistic DC or DF would and pretty much every time we were wrong according to supervisor. It is honestly baffling. I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?

I'm hoping we can get contact moved to my house soon as the contact centre is so bad for DF's mental health (and mine!!)

If council accomodation was needed for mother and child to be reunited, her friend would absolutely be at the tip top of the housing list and an emergency place would be found.

She wouldn't need a contact centre plus supervision as well if it was literally just a housing issue needing resolved.

Can you really? I never knew that. I do wonder what the supervisor would have written down because she did misunderstand some of what happened and when DF was explaining about the hair cut to her.

As I've said I don't want to go into details about this. Without that information you have no idea what is happening, so can't comment.

This is true. The fact that the child's mother is only allowed to see him at a contact centre means this is not a housing issue.

I would guess it has something to do with her getting "hot and bothered" and "getting wound up", to use the terms the OP has chosen.

Ha! Show me the mother of an autistic child who has never got 'hot and bothered'? By that I just mean she felt a little flustered and needed to take a breathe. I meant the supervisor's behaviour was behaviour that would wind someone up. Yes it wound DF up and it wound me up but neither of us showed it.

And again, without the full information which I haven't and won't give you have no idea about the situation so can't justifiably comment.

And again, without the full information which I haven't and won't give you have no idea about the situation so can't justifiably comment.

In fairness, you started a thread and chose which information to give. What was the point if you didn't want anyone to comment?

Oh and I completely stand by my previous comment - the child's mother would not be limited to supervised contact for a housing issue.

I started a thread about my frustrations at a contact centre. I gave information about that so people can comment.

I did not start a thread about why DF's DC is in foster care, why she sees him at a contact centre or the reasons he is not back with her yet. I have not given full information about these things so it is unfair for people to comment on it or dig for information about it. What I have said is it is all going positively for DF and DS and I won't say anything else on the matter.

That’s sadly familiar too , we had a situation with eating issues and SEN and it was as mentioned how it was possibly neglect and parental attention seeking …

That's great but again, that's not relevant to this situation and not relevant to my DF's case.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It is very difficult to deal with.

Some posters are really nosey and very judgy! It was obvious you were venting. The supervisor sounds a really pain in the bum! Just because a child is not with their mum it does not mean there is no bond.

Ive been a supervisor a couple of times. The children were always pleased to see their parent. I have thought what the hell a few times but I’d never stick my nose in and ruin the time.

It’s extremely difficult. I would say to try to always stay calm but firm. Record sessions and meetings if you can just in case things get lied about or are just unclear - you can then transcribe the recording as proof.
Remove emotion from dealings with authorities- they can be quick to label parents as erratic or unstable so don’t give them any ammunition, take their advice and requests on board and try to comply as long as it’s in the best interests of the child. It’s a long game that’s for sure but parents can and do get their dc back x

By the sounds of it she was massively overstepping, but that can happen. Both you and your friend need some stock phrases to politely rebuff her rather than endless arguments ,explanations and debates and giving the impression you are flailing around. You also need to try your hardest not to step in and let the mum show she is in control ,knows what she's doing and she can manage by herself.

Simple things like "this is what was agreed with FC and SS." , "I have done this before and it works", thank you but..." , ask for alternatives/options ,if none available just say what you are going to do.

Ideally , you'd have someone that did their role properly, but your friend needs to learn to manage. Both being questioned/challenged and her anxiety. This will happen again with various people so she needs to work on it and herself.

Thank you! Yes, she was being a pain in the bum! 😂 She's a nice lady and isn't usually like that. There are some that are like it a lot and it is frustrating, but there are lots of fab supervisors too!

And yes, some people always want to be nosey and dig for more information!

Thank you for the advice, it is much appreciated.

I have autistic children and have absolutely been there with it all going a bit wrong and getting flustered. It is hard enough when strangers are watching, let alone you are being supervised by someone fairly important. Your DF sounds like they have done a fabulous job in difficult circumstances.

The supervisor should be empathetic and supportive. They should be observing how mum problem solves and only step in in the moment if 100% necessary. My autistic DC would never have coped with 3 people and a very tense atmosphere. Backing off as far as reasonable would have been the most helpful thing she could have done.

Thank you for the advice, it's very useful.

Honestly, I'm in awe of how she manages it because I've often been in that experience when you want the ground to swallow you up and the last thing you want is a stranger watching you and then going on and on at you when you just want a minute to breathe!

@GrettaGreen you would think that that's how it would work but it isn't always that simple!

I know of a situation where children were in foster care and their parent was living in a rented room in a house share. They couldn't get a private rental. On housing list. Housing wouldn't move them up the list because they didn't have the kids in their care. SS wouldn't return children until housing was sorted.
It took getting the MP involved to get it resolved.

It really often isn't that simple, atall. It's good to hear the MP got it sorted, though.