To find contact centre so frustrating?

[Autumnvibes23]

I go with a family friend to see her DS (who is in foster care) at a contact centre as she finds it extremely anxiety inducing. I honestly had no idea how awful it is!

Many of the supervisors seem to think they know it all and constantly undermine.

So an example of what happened today. We planned to take DS to have his hair cut. As DF (friend) got DS into the buggy the supervisor expressed doubt if there was a rain cover. DF commented that it wasn't raining. Supervisor insisted it was. It didn't look as if it was so I assumed if it was it was very light. I said we could make sure he was covered with his blanket and have the hood up. Supervisor said no it will get soaked (the blanket). Anyway we got outside and it wasn't raining. Supervisor put her umbrella up for a while as if she couldn't be wrong.

On the way DF talked about how she was going to get it cut. She wanted to keep some of his curls on top but make sure it would be well out of his eyes and easier for his foster carer to manage with brushing etc as she has been struggling. Supervisor kept giving her opinion on how it should be cut to make it look nicer. It already looks lovely just needs dealing with for practicality. But she just kept insisting it should be cut in a certain way. It was just frustrating for DF and unnecessary.

We arrived at the hairdresser and supervisor stayed in the waiting area while DF and I took DS to the other end of the salon for the haircut. 4yo DS has autism and is non-verbal. We tried to distract him with Peppa pig but every time the hairdresser tried to comb his hair, he threw himself backwards. He is very tall for his age and very heavy and DF is very petite so it took all her strength to hold him. Naturally she was getting very hot and bothered. She had to give up on the hair cut as it was too dangerous with him being so unsettled. She was upset as she really wanted it cut for the practical reasons mentioned above. She just needed a few minutes to take a few breathes but the supervisor kept on at her about why she shouldn't be upset and therefore DF had to keep explaining why she was upset and supervisor just couldn't read the room atall and just leave her alone. She was just winding DF up and I was just next to her whispering it's ok, just ignore her. After a while I told DF how I had distracted my autistic DS while having a hair cut by giving him something to eat. Supervisor pipes up you can't do that as he'd get hair in his mouth. She then decided the hairdresser just didn't want to cut DS's hair and he would be fine with a different hairdresser. I explained that wasn't the case, but no she was right even though she wasn't even near us during the hair cut attempt. Supervisor then suggests DF gives DS chocolate buttons during the hair cut!! But when I suggested something to eat it wasn't suitable!

This is the short version. I would talk about things based on my experience of autistic DC or DF would and pretty much every time we were wrong according to supervisor. It is honestly baffling. I thought the supervisor was just meant to observe?

I'm hoping we can get contact moved to my house soon as the contact centre is so bad for DF's mental health (and mine!!)

Supervisor should be there to supervise and step in if there is a danger to child or others. She over stepped tbh.
I have been a contact worker and unless needed you don't get involved.

No, as I said in my post the supervisor expressed doubt if there was a rain cover, this was because DF asked for one because it had been raining earlier (lightly.) There was one. It was just because supervisor suggested there wasn't one that I commented he'd be ok with hood up and blanket based on the fact it wasn't raining heavily (it wasn't raining atall but supervisor made me doubt that by saying it was raining when it looked like it wasn't so I thought maybe drizzling) and it was a very short walk away.

I have changed details.

She is, she's able to brush and put his hair up and usually can take him for a haircut. Unfortunately, with autistic DC things don't always go to plan. Having his hair cut with DF does not usually lead to physical restraint.

It has been agreed between the FC and DF that she will take him for his hair cuts, this in in conjunction with SS. The FC is asking for more support but it hasn't been forthcoming.

DF is not showing poor judgement in follow her DS's care plan.

Thank you, the validation is appreciated.

My son has autism and if I see him once a week or howether often it is I wouldn't have picked to take him for a hair cut on that day. My teen still hates haircuts so I get it but it's not exactly a bonding experience when they find it so distressing.

A four-year-old doesn't need to have his hair cut by a professional, I wonder if he might cope better if his mum or the foster carer did it themselves?

It sounds like the supervisor didn’t like you providing input as the main things she seems to have done is dismissed your suggestions that a raincover wasn’t needed and to give food. You think she needed to butt out and only observe and it seems like she felt the same about you.

No, it's not. But his hair is getting in his eyes which is distressing for him.

Yes, that is definitely an option, thank you. DF has managed at the hairdresser before, but I think she's going to give it another shot and if it doesn't work out this is a good idea.

I didn't say a rain cover wasn't needed and she later suggested food herself! She disagreed with multiple things DF said as well as me. I wasn't even talking to her, I was talking to DF.

She may have thought that about me, but I'm not a supervisor that sees the DC sporadically and is there to step in only in certain situations. I'm an experienced mum of DC with autism and an experienced carer of this particular DC.

A hair cut is a completely legitimate use of contact time, it keeps mum involved in her child’s care, is a usual parenting task and has her care for her child in the community which is essential in terms of children being reunited with their parents. Contact centres aren’t great in that it’s an artificial space so doing something like a hair cut can be very positive.

Yes, care for your DC doesn't stop because they are in foster care. I remember on another thread a poster being surprised that a parent would feed their DC during contact!

Commenting on how a child should has their hair cut ignoring the needs of the DC, insisting it is raining when it isn't and undermining my actual experience with an autistic child (and then suggesting the exact same thing herself) were not appropriate, imo

Its hard to know as I don't have any experience of contact centers or their supervisors but I did have undermining experience with HV.

We move HV decide we were vulnerable - based on assumptions - I had HV turn up unannounced on doorstep and when I informed her I'd been to the child center to access service I'd been asking about and had been told I couldn't due to children's ages - she told me I'd clearly misunderstood without asking went to my landline phoned center and was told exactly the same - and she turn round without missing a beat and repeat it back to me with no acknowledgement it was exactly what I said then left - no offer to look for further services of support or information.

Few other things happened along similar lines - sort of I could know nothing - which started to upset me told my DMum she said smile and nod and make sure you take DH or us to next schedule meetings to show I had support.

So nodding smiling and carrying on showing DF has your support was probably best thing to do - and you did that.

Yes, this is very much how it feels. The supervisor will make out as if we know nothing. I've said things before and a particular supervisor has outright said I'm wrong (for example the cost of something) and I've pulled it up on my phone to show them and then they just sort of didn't acknowledge it. It is just so frustrating. I think the thing for parents is if they continually get told they're wrong and they know nothing, they begin to believe it. My friend just finds it so stressful. She wants to have a nice session and when there is someone constantly undermining her it's just not nice. But I think your mum is right, smile and nod is the best approach. Thank you.

I agree

Especially as the tabloids like to pick up on stories here. It's unprofessional but I guess the op isn't a professional!

Could create big problems for this friend if it goes get picked up/identified

Were you this argumentative and disagreeable with the contact centre worker?

Because if you were giving this attitude I can see why she'd be on the defensive too.

Sounds like you think you know better and kept butting in

Children aren't removed for 'housing issues' unless that translates to the parent has created an unsafe environment with either who or what is in the home. Children are removed because they are at risk because either the parents don't have the skills or inclination to keep their child safe.

The sooner contact moves to your house the better imo. Parents like your DF are under so much more scrutiny over their parenting - little things that happen to all of us and are just ‘one of those things’ become potential issues and can be used against parents just trying their best .

Your DF needs to jump through all
their hoops with a smile on her face (even though it will feel like they keep moving the hoops and then the hoops are on fire Amd she’s blindfolded) . Parenting assessments are harsh too.

You sound like the support she so badly needs. Out of interest was there an allegation of FII? Happens a lot to parents of SEN dc sadly And getting more common so a real issue

I was polite and friendly as I always am. I didn't butt in atall. It was the supervisor that would butt in to our conversations to tell us we were wrong etc. Aside from that I chatted to the supervisor when she spoke to me etc. But was mainly concentrating on the DC.

I mean on this thread so many people have come on to say DF shouldn't be taking her DC to have his hair cut. Obviously I have to point out that is incorrect. Also that there were no safety issues. But I have acknowledged advice other posters have made and thanked them.

However, I am approved to supervise DF's contact so I do need to know if there are any issues and the SW has observed that I can do that. So with respect I can justifiably point out that the supervisor was over stepping and being unhelpful.

I think OP said that was the reason her friends ds couldn’t be returned not the reason for his removal ?

I haven't said that. But I'm unwilling to talk more on that point as it is not the point of the post. It was just a vent for me after a frustrating session.

She sounds antagonistic tbh and I think you were right to be the voice of reason and advocate for your friend.

Can you record the sessions - you are allowed to do this for your own use and if you ever need to use the recordings you need to have them transcribed. It’s good to cover yourself.

It really is like a pressure cooker! And all of those hoops. But yes, DF has learned to do it all with a smile on her face but it gives her anxiety.

Thank you for your kind words.

No FII, more not believing delays were caused by SEN.

Yes, that's correct, thank you.