I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

Does he have a disability or something? Why can't he get a job and work? Unless he's physically unable to work I will never understand what these dudes are doing out here having their chick pay for everything for them. And why would you wanna be with someone like that? What's he bring to the table? If your dating your potentially trying to find out if you want to marry him and make a family with him. Is this a guy you could be proud of? Who would be a good partner and good dad to your kids? Don't know why your wasting your time with such a loser. And sorry but if you live at home with mom and dad and are using the government to help feed you when you are able bodied then yes ma'm... he is a giant loser. I shutter to ask his age.

I think it's more likely that he is lying to both the OP and the food banks about his financial situation.

I’ve stayed in hopeless relationships longer than I should have. There’s a comfort in continuing with things as they are and a fear of the unknown. You won’t regret leaving. You need to raise your standards. Like others say this isn’t about him having less money but something deeper. You can appreciate and respect someone without spending lots of money. He’s not doing either.

I'm sorry darling but he is straight up using you.

A man with ED can still have a fun and loving sexual relationship with you. He is choosing to avoid having anything to do with you in the bedroom. I'd bet my bottom dollar he is choosing to avoid getting medication for it too.

A man who has "hurt his hand" can still buy you a darn card - ESPECIALLY when he's getting you sweet fuck all else. he could have a friend or the shop assistant write in it. He could leave you a sweet voice note in lieu of a card. He could have written you a love letter in an email using free voice to text software. He could have bought a bunch of flowers for £2.99. He could have done something, and he chose, quite deliberately to do nothing.

He chose to avoid paying for the cinema. He chooses to avoid paying for dates as much as he can, yet he is quite happy to go on those dates. A partner who has no money should not be suggesting dates that cost money - and if you suggest them, he should be having an honest conversation with you about if you are expecting to pay or not.

He chose to avoid paying for your holiday. He WILL choose to avoid paying for meals out or anything fun on your holiday. He will not buy food and cook you a romantic meal instead.

Go on the holiday if you must but leave your purse at home. Take an emergency card stashed away though, and go in your car, because you're going to want an escape route if you've got any sense at all.

If the fact he has no money is the only issue and he’s otherwise a decent guy I’d suggest you plan dates according to his budget. Snuggle up and watch a movie at home, go for a nice walk in the woods or see what free activities are available locally and then cook a meal together. Dating doesn’t have to be expensive

@Mydogisamentalist Just read your other thread, I remember it.

What does this 'D'P have to do for you to break up with him?

Honestly, we have all told you to break up with him - we did last time and have today. It sounds like nothing has changed in months.

Are you going to do anything with the advice you have been given today?
Read back on your posts - all of them about your DP - pretend it was a friend saying this to you - what would you say to her? I bet you would tell her to leave.

I hope you get on with your life

Sooner or later you need to leave this man. Why not make is sooner? You will lead a miserable life if you stay with him.

His arm being "too tired" to write a birthday card really should have been the final nail in the coffin.

Love can overcome many things. A tight-fisted partner is not one of them in my opinion.

Go on your weekend, enjoy it as much as you can. Be prepared to pay for most if not all of it and consider that to be the price of your freedom. Once you are home tell him the gravy train has come to an end.

This guy is an absolute loser and completely taking the piss out of you. You know other men are out there, right?

I'm sorry but that tells you everything you need to know...

He's supposed to be madly in love with you and that's the best he can do? Sod him.

His debt and living situation is very outing. The best way I can put it is he’s like an unwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in

Ah yes, here we go - the upcoming "housing emergency" a PP warned about, shortly to be followed by loss of job and MH difficulties which wax and wane according to how much you expect of him

I had to smile about the post "see how it goes if you stop paying" though, as if it isn't 99% obvious what he'd do

Thing is, even if he does pay for everything for your birthday, it's grudging. You've had to talk to him about it. He hasn't actually done any of it - didn't book, didn't research, gave absolutely no thought. What happens if he does his bullshit hang back technique when it comes time to pay? Can you sit on your hands and allow that awkwardness force the issue? Hardly a romantic birthday vibe.

This guy is not a keeper. He does the bare minimum

@Mydogisamentalist what would you say if a friend was in your position? You'd probably be frustrated that they'd continue to entertain this.

Things will feel more like a treat when you drop this guy, resentment kills.

Leave now. I have the t-shirt. It doesn't get better.
Mine came into some money and then insisted we were not in a relationship and set about cutting me out of his life. Leave now. Save your money, and avoid the deep disappointment when you realise that after all the times you have been there for him he will never be there for you.

@Mydogisamentalist you have dc. You’re taking THEIR money, their time and headspace, and giving it to this useless user. It’s time you got angry and dumped him, then get some therapy to help you understand why you flogged this very dead horse for so long, for NOTHING.

Meaningful discussion required to clarify what is going on...
Relationships sometimes require that we give slightly more of ourselves and at other times take.
Short periods of going without are positive if its part of an overall plan, it shows grip and responsibility.
Dodging responsibility and leeching of others is very different.
Which one is it?

Does he have a disability or something? Why can't he get a job and work?

@Freefalling404 He is working, he's just taking advantage of everything and everyone he can for his own goals, too.

Most food banks have had to get wise to people doing this, he might be having to shop around and vary which one he uses.

Sorry OP but this man is a cocklodger in waiting. Can't wait to move in with you and be kept.

How do you navigate this?

You dump his scrounging, tight-fisted arse.

For gods sake get rid of him. He’s bringing nothing to your life.

He might want to pay off all his debt but that means he’s not in a position to date right now. He doesn’t get to have a relationship entirely at your expense surely?

One of those men who seems to have a gold plated dick or something.

he sounds like an utter scab, sorry.

The cherry on the cake was the embarrassing hanging back while you queued for the tickets like an awkward teenager, making it clear he knew it was his turn but just hiding rather than having an adult conversation, and then to top it off making you buy him a drink at the cinema - at least with the tickets/pub you got something out of it and he occasionally reciprocates.

No normal grown adult NEEDS a drink to sit through a 2hour film, particularly immediately after they've presumably had a drink with food at the pub immediately beforehand, and if they do they can plan ahead by filling up a water bottle or getting something from the shop. I'm financially fine and I wouldn't buy a drink at the cinema because they are a complete rip off. Getting you to buy if for him when if he was alone or with a mate he would have gone without is just pathetic.

I don't see how you haven't got the ick yet, I'd feel like mummy taking my son out for the evening if I was with someone behaving like that.

does he ever do things for you that don't cost money to make up for the fact that you pay for nearly everything?

e.g. organise a free date, picnic in the park, romantic walk on the beach at sunset, do DIY for you in your home, write you a poem, get your favourite book from the library, cook for you, clean the house, make the bed, do awkward/faffy chores like book your MOT, pick you up from a night out with friends or late work shift to avoid you getting the bus/taxi, etc.? Anything that shows he's not a completely thoughtless twat?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Apparently, he's not even performing.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - this isn't a fair situation to you, and it sounds like there's no prospect of it becoming fairer in the future. That would frustrate and upset me a lot, especially the knock-on effect on the really important stuff (like birthdays).

I've read your replies and I can understand what you're saying about how he is in a difficult situation and you love him/he loves you. I think you've been very kind and generous to him, but the stress of something like this can really take its toll over time. You definitely aren't grabby and it's very clear that you're not a transactional person or looking to have him pay for everything.

I think the simple truth is that sadly, your lives just aren't compatible at the moment. That might be different if he had a clear timeline for when things will improve for him financially, and if he had clearly discussed with you about what life will look like in the future. But it's concerning that he appears to avoid conversations about the reality of what happens when you go out/the impact this is having on you. My worry would be that if he moves in, the situation will get worse because you'll have to bear the financial weight of the full living expenses of two people. I also think (and I'm sorry if this sounds horrible) that you would find it very difficult to get him out again if you broke up.

I'm not saying you will break up but I think that the way things are is not sustainable. It will be damaging for you and it's hard to build a strong relationship when things are so unbalanced.

The temptation here would be to understand whether he’s genuinely struggling financially and really can’t stretch to a date, every now and again, OR is he just tight…BUT I think that’s not the real issue.

the issue is that you are unhappy with the arrangement. If it’s like this now, it’s unlikely to really ever change. Why? Either something very drastic has got to change with his financial circumstances (eg he is a student working towards a degree and will be much better off once he is a working graduate) OR he massively changes as a person with a different set of values.

Not sure if either is realistic. Can you keep going on indefinitely like this, and be OK with being not very happy?

My guess is that you know your answer. Some people would genuinely be ok and don’t value material things or material inequity, in life. Others do. Both are ok aren’t they? You just need to know which camp you’re in and move forth.

Yuk. Why are you still with this bum?
And showing you the food bank voucher means nothing, he is pleading poverty so you pay for everything and you're falling for it. He probably laughs with his friends over this