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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 26/10/2023 13:38

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 12:48

I really just want to point out I’m not grabby. I don’t expect to have everything paid for me all the time. I just wanted to feel treated on my birthday. I wanted him to maybe do some of the organising, to feel like he’d thought about the type of things I like and made some kind of plan. I guess to put some thought into it. I’m excited to go but it doesn’t exactly feel like a treat. I’ve planned, booked, paid and arranged it all myself. Just asked him to secure the days off which was a bit of a pain in itself.

His debt and living situation is very outing. The best way I can put it is he’s like an unwanted lodger. He’s not living with close family and it’s not a nice situation to be in.

I have spoken to him about it and he’s said he will pay for everything when we are there and that he’s been working extra hours to be able to afford it.

He’s not exactly the villain he’s been made out to be but I do think he can find it difficult to see how his actions affect other people. I just don’t know.

It's not about money though.

It's about his complete lack of effort.

Having no money is irrelevant. There is so much time and effort you can put into a person to make them feel special without having to spend a penny.

The guy is clearly a "can't be bothered" type. If he cared about you he would have made the effort.

Don't get stuck with a guy like this!

vdbfamily · 26/10/2023 13:41

Have you discussed how much debt he has and what his repayment plan is and how long he is likely to be in this situation. If it is temporary and if his reason for getting into debt is something he will not repeat, I would say that you either need to avoid expensive dates and just do free stuff and eat in at present whilst he is climbing out of debt,or... you pay. Explain that it is not the expensive things you want but just some effort and thought from him. From his point of view it must be awful to have to choose between shifting a debt and treating you too a decent restaurant

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 13:41

A lot of food banks nowadays are run through churches etc and people self refer. Some people (like this bloke to an extent) are using them when they shouldn't be. I know because my uncle was doing it. This bloke needs to make a plan to pay off his debt rather than using stuff that's for people that don't have money for food. He has the money, he's earning, he's just using the food bank so he doesn't have to pay for food and can pay off his debts more easily (and/or because he likes a freebie.)

Lots of people have debts, they don't exploit a food bank, they make a plan for their debt that they can afford.

Wisek · 26/10/2023 13:43

I had this exact problem with an ex. It was like this for 15 years I was with him from the age of 15.
He is now in his fifties and not changed.
I'm in my late 40s and single as it's what I choose.
First I will say start keeping a log of everything you pay out that is not your fair share. Date it. Write why you paid. In time you will see how much this is costing you. Remember if you've paid it don't expect to see it again.
This guy knows exactly what he is doing.
He's looking out for himself. Don't feel guilty. He isn't. Either stop paying for him or get out of the relationship. Another method is make it clear to him he must pay you back but he's already put you in position this is not a option. Very clever so you better step up. Your not in a relationship except with yourself. I've had no end of toxic guys like this. He's a scrooge hence the food bank. You are better than this so you deserve a guy that has more honour and some self respect.
Let me tell you don't expect him to be fair. You make it fair to yourself. You need to take responsibility for your own actions too.

LouHey · 26/10/2023 13:46

What do you love about him? I hope he's wonderful and emotionally supportive (although I'm finding that hard to believe when the effort of writing a birthday card was too much - he could have dictated for someone else to write for him if he gave you any consideration). And then this year it's much of the same, he's uncaring and giving you lip service.

If I were you, I'd not give him the opportunity to ruin another birthday - take a friend instead.

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 13:47

@Mydogisamentalist What ever you do, please don't start paying the debt for him. This relationship isn't likely to be for life, and even if it is, that risks setting up a bad relationship pattern.

Personally I wouldn't do food and another paid activity for a date though- that would be more than my budget could run to or I would want to do. You can get two dates out of that. But you probably want a partner with more energy and a more equal income.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 13:48

He’s not exactly the villain he’s been made out to be

OP, this man pretended he'd hurt his arm so he didn't have to both getting you a birthday card. Raise your standards, for heaven's sake!

PictureOfFlorianTray · 26/10/2023 13:48

You really aren't in a loving relationship.
You seem reluctant to let him go by kidding yourself that you love each other.
He's reluctant to let you go because you're his meal ticket.

You need to think about what you want, need and deserve... and it isn't this.

Veritypens · 26/10/2023 13:51

MsRosley · Today 13:48

He’s not exactly the villain he’s been made out to be

OP, this man pretended he'd hurt his arm so he didn't have to both getting you a birthday card. Raise your standards, for heaven's sake!

This!

Glitterybee · 26/10/2023 13:53

YABU for being such a fool

LaurieStrode · 26/10/2023 13:54

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 26/10/2023 09:38

Is this the life you want? What do you get out of this relationship? If this were my relationship, I would feel very resentful.

He has shown you who he is - believe him.

Exactly. Why on earth are you still with him?

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 13:56

The arm thing- well that's awful OP. Unless he'd completely lost the use of both arms and doesn't have a prosthesis, he can sign a card. He could probably even kind of sign it with his foot.

billy1966 · 26/10/2023 14:00

What sort of a long term life plan do you think is going to pan out for you if you allow yourself to be so thoroughly used?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 26/10/2023 14:07

How did he get into debt? Has he got an expensive habit?

Happilyobtuse · 26/10/2023 14:08

If he is so skint that he needs to use a food bank, I think your expectations are unrealistic. He simply cannot afford the lifestyle that you can such as movies and pub meals. Both are not cheap and definitely not something someone on the breadline would do! If you are really keen on doing these things with him then you need to be prepared to pay or find more reasonably priced activities to do.

Cornishclio · 26/10/2023 14:10

I would say whether he is tight or bad with money he is not a good long term prospect. Relationships shouldn't be only about money but when there is a massive disparity either between income or financial stability it can cause problems. I personally would not have a relationship with someone who could not manage money well or would have to have a very open conversation about it. He does not sound as if he is even very thoughtful and the comment about a birthday card is just ridiculous. I would take a friend with you if you think he is just going to sponge off you the whole weekend.

Testina · 26/10/2023 14:12

“He’s not exactly the villain he’s been made out to be”

His arm hurt too much to write a card for you.
He sat back and had you pay for him on a weekend away and then spent £40 on the way home, in front of you, on some kitchen thing when he doesn’t even have his own kitchen?

He is exactly the villain he’s made out to be.

And just because he had ED, he does nothing to provide sexual pleasure for you. For a year. What do you get from this - literally, what are you paying for? What are you getting for your money?

Moveoverdarlin · 26/10/2023 14:22

I can’t afford the cinema lately, but I also make a point of donating to food banks. Think I’d be a little bit miffed if I’m donating food to people who are paying for them and their girlfriend to have a meal in a pub, followed by the cinema. What’s that? £60? £70?

viques · 26/10/2023 14:26

The bar you set for your relationship is very low. Don’t you find you keep tripping over it?

I would have thought that after 18 months of living with his parents he would have worked out a way to save to clear his debts while at the same time being a reasonable human being in terms of your relationship. I get the feeling that even if he was debt free he would still be an entitled prick.

Carouselfish · 26/10/2023 14:27

Stop it, op, just stop, in all the ways.

Arniesleftleg · 26/10/2023 14:28

🚩🚩🚩

He doesn't really sound like much of a Cath, especially of he's ruined your birthday last year on top pf everything. What do you get from the relationship? I don't mean financially but overall?

Therealjudgejudy · 26/10/2023 14:31

Raise your standards.

Its totally obvious he is using you

BellaAndDave · 26/10/2023 14:32

porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 13:41

A lot of food banks nowadays are run through churches etc and people self refer. Some people (like this bloke to an extent) are using them when they shouldn't be. I know because my uncle was doing it. This bloke needs to make a plan to pay off his debt rather than using stuff that's for people that don't have money for food. He has the money, he's earning, he's just using the food bank so he doesn't have to pay for food and can pay off his debts more easily (and/or because he likes a freebie.)

Lots of people have debts, they don't exploit a food bank, they make a plan for their debt that they can afford.

I agree with every word of this.

Samsoso · 26/10/2023 14:32

You are both at different places and he isn't meeting your needs. If someone is making you feel crap, then move away from it.. also, I feel he is exploitative, technically he doesn't need food banks, he is using food money to get debt free quicker. He is using you to pay debt quicker too.
Dump him. Move on.

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 26/10/2023 14:33

BarbaraofSeville · 26/10/2023 09:42

Clearing debts is good, but not to the point you’re relying on food banks. To me it’s a sign that he can’t manage money. He should be able to live while still prioritising debts

This. No formal debt management arrangement will expect people to skimp on food while paying off debt. If he's not had advice on his debts, he should get help with putting together a sustainable budget that covers all his essential living costs and a small amount of discretionary spending, because that's what he would be advised by CAB or similar.

Currently, you're effectively paying off his debts for him, by covering some of his other costs, which of course you shouldn't need to do.

This was my thinking. How much debt is he in if he lives with family and relies on food banks? And how did he get into so much debt in the first place?

I'd be very very wary of moving in with someone who doesn't seem to have a good grasp of basic finances.