I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

Some people would genuinely be ok and don’t value material things or material inequity, in life. Others do.

I don't think many well-adjusted women would be ok with this situation. That's why OP is getting annoyed by it- she's normal.

There's material inequality and there's bludging. For instance, OP had already paid for the meal and cinema- then he had the cheek to ask for one of the rip-off drinks.

Do some work on yourself and find out why you think you don't deserve to be treated well and how you can make the shift.
Good luck.

This is different to someone who happens to have a lower income but who behaves decently and is financially responsible. That person would just've told OP they could afford either cinema or a meal, for instance. They would negotiate what they can afford to do, and do it, or if OP wanted to pay for them to do a bit more- OK, but the person with a lower income wouldn't take the pee or try and get more than a wealthier person insisted on.

Sounds like a real catch! Don’t be a mug. Get rid.

Is his name Stuart ? 😂
I had one like this a few years back ! He was a proper “taker” mummys boy lol

Like yours he ALWAYS found money for things he wanted - like labled clothes or money he would spend on his son ! I got rid of that ponce after 18 months and it still winds me up 3 years later !

Honestly - just get rid of these takers

Following to see if he even pays for the weekend.

If he's experiencing such crushing penury that he is sometimes reliant upon Food Banks, then I would not have thought that he would be in a financial position to accommodate nights out?

Do you really want a future with someone where there is such financial.imbalance?

I'm incredibly low down on the socioeconomic scale and I have remained single since my twin DC were born as a) any money I have is for them and b) there is no way I could financially contribute to days/nights out within a relationship.

If he's using Food Banks just to facilitate clearing his debts sooner, then that is pretty opportunistic and says a lot about the type of person that he is.

To some this will sound offensive, but I've sort of been were you are, in that my situation with my (SN) children made me settle. Is it the case of he fits in with the available free time you have and you think that another man wouldn't? You're not even getting sex out of this. You say that he's emotionally caring, but no he isn't. I asked earlier what he was actually bringing to the table. You could get a fuck buddy who would give more than this man. You're too bloody young to be wasting your time with this man. Seriously you'll hit the peri menopause and regret the sex you haven't had. He's a paid companion and a badly behaved one, at that.

Ponoka makes a good point. Even if we're lucky enough to stay ok, the men we're able to pull gradually become less sexually functional. That time goes so quickly. So seize the day and grab a decent one.

One day you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. And you will have enormous regret over the amount of money you wasted on him that could have gone towards your dc instead.

I don't understand how some women would rather subsidise losers than put that towards savings for their dc. It completely baffles me

@Mydogisamentalist
OP, you know him and his circumstances. Maybe he is making and effort to turn his life around financially ,and that is a good thing.. Talk to him about your expectations.

I cannot offer any defense or actually any opinion other than to say do what works for you.

However, in defense of indifferent or non birthday planners, I dislike having my birthday day acknowledged and or celebrated, I am satisfied with a simple Happy Birthday greeting if you feel compelled to do anything. Unfortunately, people in my life often work at making it a special event. In truth, I have to pretend to be happy and pleased in order to show gratitude, but in reality all that it really does is then create an obligation for me to give thought to and make plans for something that I really think of as a bit childish. I have no real talent for and even less interest in thinking about birthdays for adults. Ideally, I would just give a greeting card and a gift card and be done. But at least in my orbit , the adults who excitedly make birthday plans for you tend to expect the same in return. They never realize that what is a pleasure for them is really a torture for you.. Only love and gratitude moves me to make the effort , when in reality all that I really want is to be left alone on my birthday.

So maybe cut him a little slack in the birthday department, and maybe do a little bit less on his birthday.

Me too.

I cannot fathom a parent spending money on a man while their children could benefit.

I cannot understand that mindset in any shape or form.

Ideally, I would just give a greeting card and a gift card and be done.

He didn't even do a card last year tho.

@porridgeisbae
My point was I do not need or want anything on my birthday. I feel loved and valued all year long. I love and value the people that I feel compelled to attempt to make their birthdays special , but making birthday plans is motivated out of the sense of obligation and reciprocity that they create and expect by making more of my birthday than I want or expect.

I very much enjoy planning birthday celebrations for children. I just don't see the need with adults. I do recognize that not everyone shares my sentiments, so I do what is expected . There are so many opportunities throughout the year for celebration and giving that I think that I just don't understand or feel the need to celebrate an adult birthday. We had a big celebration for my grandmother's 90 birthday, and that seemed like a milestone worthy of celebration.

You expressed a desire for your birthday that would have cost him nothing except a little effort. He couldn't even be bothered to do that. The focus on his finances is irrelevant. Give yourself a gift and get rid.

Christ no. You don’t date hobos.

What are the genuine reasons for being with him?

So he can't have sex? And doesn't pay for anything. And does sweet fuck all for your birthday. And costs you money. He's employed but using food banks. Doesn't organise dates, just shows up and expects to be treated every time as his reward for being in debt.

What does he bring into your life?

Take a friend away for your birthday instead. TELL HIM WHY.

You deserve better. It's not materialistic to expect a grown man who is dating you to put some effort in.

Not all dates are expensive. He could cook you dinner, plan a picnic, take you for a walk with coffee in a thermos.

Why are you settling for this?

Fact: He's a loser.
Fact: He's ligging off you
Fact: That makes him a parasite
Fact: You are fully facilitating this situation, why?

If your bloke is skint and can't afford to 'go out' due to living frugally and paying off debts or saving money there's no shame in that. But a normal healthy couple would find interesting and cheap / free activities, places to go, things to do and have a laugh anyway.

This is not what's going on here is it? You're evading the direct conversation and he's acting shady and sketchy.

If someone asked me to the cinema and I couldn't afford it, I'd say 'no' but love to see you soon for something free. I'd be thinking we can have a movie night at home or go for a nice walk, go to a gallery or museum, or hey I'll make us dinner.

You know he can't afford to go away for your birthday so why are you continuing to play this game.

Just call the whole thing off and move on with your life.

I couldn’t get through even half of your post, Op. He on purpose maneuvers around to make sure you pay for everything. Why are you attracted to a loser? Why do you pay for him? Please don’t answer that, I don’t want to spend any time reading more of this craziness.

I’m here to tell you to stop 🛑 getting conned by sly pieces of garbage. A man who cares for you will pay for your dinner, he will offer to pay for your movie ticket, he will not slink like a snake to the periphery forcing you to get your wallet out.

From now on, date a man who splits things fairly financially. I’m about to tell you what I do.

I’ve never paid for anything. My husband paid when we dated and pays now after we married. I like the romantic and gentlemanly aspect of that and no, he has never controlled me in any way shape or form and would never want to.

My husband deposits his check by direct deposit into one shared account and he has done since from day one.

I do all the finances.

It’s worked perfectly for 27 years. Not one problem financially in all that time. Marriage or partnership or a significant relationship with the right person will naturally have in place a fair financial situation, whether sharing all money in one account or having separate and independent accounts with other account(s) for shared bills and joint savings. Depending on what both people feel comfortable and secure with. Something similar to that.

What I’m saying is Op, you’re worth a lot more than the way that manipulator is treating you. He’s below you in integrity. Therefore, you must bin him and look higher. Raise your standards way way up. Stinginess and sly manipulations and excuses are red flags.

If he were broke and generous-hearted, he'd turn up with a bar of chocolate or a bottle of wine, or offer to cook for you - or something.
But this one is a scrounger. Scrounging from you and scrounging from food banks. If you move in with him - sorry, if you allow him to move in with you - then you'll deserve all that you will undoubtedly get from your cocklodger.
Anyway, how did he even get into this financial situation - single man, living with family, no responsibilities?

Well, whatever you decide to do don't move in with him, but I think you know this. He has some cheek to even suggest it tbh, you both know you would pay for everything.

The going to the loo (so transparent) and especially asking to buy him a drink (like mummy) would turn me off massively.

I voted YABU OP purely because you are being so unreasonable to stay with a man who is using you. Not even using you for sex, but as his meal ticket. He's a scrounger.

You're not worthless but he is, didn't even get you a birthday card last year because his arm hurt too much to write it?? That was the moment you should've dumped his mean scrounging arse.

A person can be broke but be kind and giving in other ways. This mean bustard hasn't an ounce of respect for you.

Please OP raise your standards, dump him and learn to value yourself. You deserve so much better.

Personally I couldn't love a loser who treated me like a doormat.

Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.

Why are you still with this absolute chump? He sounds pathetic.

I couldn’t be with someone I had to fund like a child. You can do much, much better.