I pay for everything in relationship

[Mydogisamentalist]

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

He's not keen on paying off his debt, he's just tight. A trait I wouldn't put up with.

Oh wow 😯 @Mydogisamentalist did you take on board any of the advice from previous threads?

Please check out Greta Bereisaite youtube channel, she is a relationship coach and has helped me so much, this man is using you, he is expecting you to pay because you have put up with it for so long, exs used me in the past for money and I'd never put up with it again, men don't think the same way we do, they value what they have to work hard for and you are making being with you very easy where he doesn't have to lift a finger, please think of yourself and your long term future happiness as this just isn't right x

You are literally paying him to be with you. He wouldn't be otherwise, of course he wants to move in. He didn't even get you a card ?? Seriously raise the bar. Have you no self of self or pride? Just shocking the amount of women on this site that are so desperate for a man, any man that they are literally willing to buy one.

OP, if he can find the money to pay for these things for you he really shouldn't be using food banks.

He is a dishonest grifter and I wouldn't believe a word he says about his financial situation. If he can lie about his financial circumstances to get access to food banks, which are for people who would otherwise not be able to afford to feed themselves and their families, he is almost certainly lying to you as well.

You're being taken for a ride. And not in a good way, especially if your other threads are anything to go by.

You CAN'T see both sides, though, because it sounds as if you don't actually know the details of your OH's debt. He could be genuinely skint (which I suspect is the case.) But the most likely reason for this is that he is paying extortionate amounts of interest on loans.

I think the only way forward is to be upfront with him and say you need to know more about his debts if you are to continue being a couple. You might well be able to help him out in a way which tests his 'genuineness'. By which I mean - I would be reluctant to simply pay any debts for him, but you could maybe pay one of his smaller debts on the basis that he repays you the current payment every month. If he doesn't pay you reliably, it's a fairly cheap way to get rid of a dishonest cocklodger. If he does pay (the same as he is currently paying) you will have a surplus (even if you deduct any interest you are currently getting) to provide a buffer against the next loan you pay off for him.

You need to know a lot more about these bloody debts. Are they four figures, five figures, even 6 figures? How can you make a decision about continuing a long term relationship with someone without even knowing this basic stuff?

There's an old saying "When poverty comes through the door love goes out the window" - and as money tends to be a major source of argument between couples it's probably accurate.

You say you're thinking of moving in with your boyfriend, which is frankly madness given his current financial status. Starving in a garret is the stuff of romantic novels; in real life jumping into bed to make mad romantic love when you're cold and trying to work out how to feed yourselves just doesn't happen.

His life just sounds bleak - living with parents, using a foodbank. Seriously, what does he have to offer any woman (except maybe being an absolute legend in bed maybe)?

What positives is he actually bringing to your life? How is his presence and actions enriching your life? Really think about it and then list them here (because I guarantee some of your ‘positives’ will not be, like ‘he doesn’t hit me’ or shit like that and you will need some posters to kindly point out that isn’t a positive, that should be a standard expectation). If there are no positives or less positives than negatives then what’s the point of being with him?

OP, I’ve been where you are. And I’ve also been where he is: skint and relying on a partner to pay for basics. Neither are nice but both are OK short term.

The problem is that a year on you’ve got the same issue. A year from now, it won’t be different. Partly because you are enabling it to be the same.

Do not waste time. Be nice to him but get him gone. You can have a much better life when you are just paying for you.

I have a cousin like this and it's really awkward except the much older cousin has taken early retirement and has two pensions, they've told me, so there shouldn't be a financial reason for their not paying their way.

It's taken me a couple of years to realise that the cousin doesn't take their turn to pay / host / give anything and it's like someone else said further up the thread, some are givers and some are takers. Earlier this year I decided not to invite anymore as it leads to feeling used. If the cousin didn't do a hobby with me I don't think I'd seem them anymore tbh.

I don't understand why you're still with him?

My advice is get rid of him now however difficult that is . Defo don't live together...he will just be a millstone round your neck
You deserve so much better
He will never change

OP, let him go. From what you've said, he's an expensive hobby you don't really need. Get rid of him before he moves in and leeches on you even more.

I hope you're not having NICCI with him. Or time to STOP!!!!!!!!!

He's holding up the line, he's not in a position in his life to be in a relationship .. take a freind for you birthday, leave him you've given too much of your life for him already , date a man that can afford to take you out , he's a loser if he's able bodied then there's no reason he should be in this position he could be working 2 jobs if he's using a food bank , it doesn't sound like he has dependents and even then .. its a no and more on x

I had a similar situation a few years back. Lovely bloke but financial problems. I paid for most things and anything he did pay for was grumbled about. It ground me down and I ended it for this and a couple of other reasons. He admitted after we split that his finances were worse than he had told me. At that point he had sold his house and relocated. He used the equity to pay off his debts. I know he is happy now with someone else but I also suspect he is still quite frugal. My family voiced concerns that I always seemed to pick up the bill back them. I am now with someone who is much more supportive financially.

It's ok to support someone financially but if you start feeling taken for granted, then it's another story altogether. There are things that can be done to show appreciation that cost very little but take time and effort. He if is not doing those things and emotionally putting you first, it might be time to call it day.

Babe literally go get a magic wand from love honey , make plans with your freidns and enjoy your life youl soon find you don't miss him , he's not a life partner your wasting your time and money on this freeloader and there is nothing wrong with wanted to be taken out , my husband has never let me pay for anything and I'm not ashamed about it , I now have 4 children and a very lovely comfortable life , take time for yourself and then find someone that deserves you .. I really dislike men like this , it's embarrassing x

I don’t think you should be considering moving in together in the future if you aren’t able to have honest and open conversations about money.

I’ve been with my partner for ages now but we discussed quite early on how we paid for things because he had more disposable than me.

You need to have that conversation with him and talk about how to split things and whether you need to do more free/cheap activities together on a budget. Eating out, cinema and crazy golf trips are all expensive so I’m not surprised he can’t afford it if he’s on a tight budget but that doesn’t mean you bankroll them - you could cook for each other or go to a free art gallery/museum, etc.

According to her other threads they aren't having sex so he isn't even a cocklodger.

She'll want that magic wand whether she dumps his sorry arse or not.

Even though you like each other, (let's assume that's the case) you both are going in a very different way that's not going to work for either of you. From your post, it looks like your boy friend is not interested in all these outings and dates but doing it anyway because you wanted it. But at the same time he can't pay for it so expects you to pay. For someone with debt, your date plans are very expensive. But having said I do not think he was never careful with money either, if he was he wouldn't have debt in the first place and must be taking advantage of you now. It's time that you both part ways.

Why did you feel the need to point out you're not grabby, @Mydogisamentalist ?

Nobody here has called you grabby, did he call you grabby for wanting a card on your birthday?

That is the absolute barest of bare minimums to expect, of course that isn't grabby. Please do take some of the advice on board from posters here.

If he's genuinely in such dire financial straits that he's been referred to a food bank, then he probably shouldn't be shelling out for pub meals and cinema tickets. Those things are luxuries.

I agree with this. YANBU to not want to pay all the time, but if he is really using food banks he shouldn’t be regularly splashing out what cash he does have on pub dinners, cinema tickets etc. Foodbanks are for people who can’t afford that sort of thing. And he should really be declining the invitations to the dates you plan, if he knows he can’t afford to pay at least half.

And if I had a partner or even a friend who couldn’t afford to go out and eat, I’d expect us both to think of fun things to do for free/cheap instead. So that’s what you should be doing instead of shelling out money for things you’re resentful over paying.

Your communication is poor - have you discussed this with him? I had a weekend away with my boyfriend recently, I clearly stated I’ll pay for the hotel and he can pay for the food. With the money he paid for petrol too it probably costs us equal amounts. I’m sure he would have paid for our meals as he does normally anyway I still made sure he was clear on that, since the trip was my idea and it was our first weekend away so I didn’t want there to be any misunderstanding.

You are enabling him by carrying on like this and sorry to say but it doesn’t sound like he even likes you let alone loves you. The fact he even opened his mouth to claim his arm hurt too much to write in a birthday card. He just sees you as convenient and unfortunately must think you’re not very bright to even try that excuse on you.

Cocklodger! That one is going in my mental dictionary for sure. (also agree with your advice)!

Hello, I understand your boyfriend is broke and only is able to afford so much. If I were you I would try to break things off now or just remain friends. You don't want to end up having this problem in the future. Trust me I had a long-term relationship like this and nothing changed even when he had a good job since he was used to that frugal mentation. He will probably make you feel guilty also and tell you it's not all about the money and make you feel like a gold digger or something, but don't feel like that because you should have some standards. I have dated people with little money before and we did not go out very often, but when we did he would try to save up money and do nice things for me once in a great while, especially for my birthday. Having no money is no excuse he could at least be thoughtful.. get out all you can sister!

It's common for couples to have different finances but this seems quite stark.

If he can't afford much, his dates should consist of home cooked good, board games etc and you don't pay, then it's up to you how much you spend on your weeks.

Personally I would not be happy in this relationship and would not getting into a financial tie with this person.

I think I would break if he didn't take me to a nice place for food and treat to the point I'd kick him out (which is not nice)

Either way going forward I wouldn't get into debt for someone else as when it ends, and it most likely will, you'll look back and be like ah I spent so much money on someone else.