Does anyone have a child who has no hobbies / talent AIBU to be concerned.

[Blueyisnowfamily]

My daughter 10 pretty much struggles with everything -
she has got health issues - they are medical not SEN.
she is not academic in the slightest - really struggles with writing etc
has just started learning to read okay but up to a year ago could not.
maths she is better at but is still behind with division and times table.
she is dreadful at sport ( bless her )
she is not very good at art but tbh she doesn’t apply her self.
she is not musical or shown any interest in music.
there is nothing she is passionate about. I never worried before as she was so young but now at age 10 I wonder if if this is usual ?

If you met her for an hour you would probably see her as a very normal 10 year old.

She's just a person. Most people are average or below average in talents or achievements. And that does not always correlate with their lives and careers

MN will tell you about all their exceptional lives and children and often, it is not true.

Most people are average or below when you use talents or achievements as a guide or parameter.

Some are higher but still fail in careers

MN seems to be obsessed with being superior, higher earning, better etc.

Most people don't give a shit.

Statistically, a lot of people are average or below in terms of IQ, talent, education etc. Otherwise, it wouldn't be average 😉

It generally means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your DD seems fine, don't stress.

MN has a lot of trolls or at least inaccurate reporters, who make other people feel inadequate or inferior and by proxy their children and often, they're not telling the truth.

Most people don’t have a talent - they have hobbies but not talents. For most of my life I had neither but am a successful and happy person. I took up hobbies in the forties but in my fifties now my main interest is still books

Hi, it's lovely that you see and celebrate her strengths and her wins - no matter how small :-). I say this as a parent of an 11 yr old who just about got through mainstream primary, but has gone to a SEN secondary. We also celebrate all the little things!

If her current school have alerted you to a potential issue with mainstream secondary, I would absolutely listen to them - as they have no reason to say this other than concern for your daughters well being. They need to lean on the community development/assessment people with you - I've very surprised that they've said 'she's fine' given what you have described re. fine motor skills. Does she have an EHCP? This is what would be needed for your daughter to attend any specialist secondary provision - the school can help you with this.

Sorry, I realise that your initial post was about interests/hobbies etc, but I would be far more concerned about the forthcoming move to secondary school - and finding her a supportive, 'smaller' environment, than her interests at this point. These will come in time - as the others have said - just from gradually experiencing different things.

All the best
x

I've taught a lot of students like your daughter.

Some had a passion - I remember one boy with ASD who loved running and sport generally. He got mostly entry levels and I think some grades at GCSE but went on and did incredibly well at college and coached football with younger kids etc.

Most 10 year olds don't have a passion.

But lots of them have stuff they are interested in - even random things like Japanese anime movies, Minecraft, pets. What is your daughter interested in? If she's choosing a programme on TV what does she watch?

If you want to develop her interests look at what she chooses to do and work from there.

Also, at this age something like guides can be really helpful for broadening her horizons. Most groups will welcome kids with medical needs and the groups often chose activities based on the girls' interests and what they want to do. She could also possibly go on residentials.

Not all SEN is ASD. A bugbear of mine with all our local support groups either for quiet children with ASD or for much older children/young adults with learning disabilities.
My DS also "fails" all the screening assessments for ASD but has ADHD, dyspraxia (I would bet my bottom dollar your DD has dyspraxia based on what you've said - that's via assessment from a physio and an OT - referral would be from the GP in most areas).

I would also place money on your DD having a moderate learning disability (or possibly mild, but to be where she is academically with a 1:1 it may well be moderate).

I also would say she probably would enjoy a more general club like Guides. They (in theory) have more of an ethos of "do what you can to get an award" and adapting activities.

Sounds like you need an early review of the EHCP or a reassessment of needs.

If DD needs MH therapies they can be included in section F of the EHCP (you may have to appeal to get this though) and then DD won’t have to sit on the normal waiting lists, the frequency/length of sessions can be greater than DC would otherwise receive, and the range of therapies is far greater.

Does she like collecting things? Maybe something like fossils, keyrings, Sylvanian Families, Schleich animal figures, postage stamps, stickers?

Perhaps something like that would suit her, as there's no pressure to learn some physical activity or skill, she can just enjoy it for what it is. Could help with logic and fine motor skills without her realising as well.

Just realised I missed some of your updates OP, so sorry. I just read...

'she is the same dr that picks up the referral every time and we never get past that first appointment as she says she is too “ mixed profile “'

I have a lot of experience now going through various referrals and specialists of all kinds for my son who has various SEN... I'm really shocked to read that she keeps blocking your referrals on the basis of having a profile that is 'too mixed'. It's as though she can't be bothered to try and analyse your daughter's needs and unpick them. Honestly, I'd make a complaint and ask to see somebody else on this basis.

Fundamentally, do you have an EHCP for your daughter? This does not require any diagnosis - it is based purely on needs. So all the specialists who have referred her - as well as the school - can contribute effectively to an EHCP. My son was awarded an EHCP before he had any diagnosis - as it was all based on his needs at that time and how he presented. Parents and school can apply for an EHCP - you wouldn't need the unhelpful dr to be involved!

Also wanted to second a recommendation made by somebody else - horseriding. It is hugely beneficial: calming, provides sensory input, confidence building, doesn't require team skills/communication, non-competititve etc. Even just being around horses can be really positive.
x

Self refer (or get school to refer) for global development delay or dyspraxia.
we had a referral for my preschooler because of what looked like a language delay - the speech therapist referred to a Occupational Therapist. DC looks clumsy, isn’t great doing sports, has problems with writing…
we were given exercises that help build his gross and fine motor skills, and we do make him go to join in some sports to build up his stamina and skills. He doesn’t love it, but intervention is important so that he doesn’t fall further behind.
if she is not passionate - that is fine. But if she does have dyspraxia (and/or dyslexia) then she will need support in secondary school (especially stuff like PE), and possibly in the work place too.
best of luck - we found intervention really helpful, and school has been very good too (eg DC might fall off their chair, but that is not because they are fidgeting and not paying attention, it’s because they are too focused to pay attention on how to sit, and someone with Dyspraxia needs to pay attention to that).
best of luck (of corse, it may not be this at all, but at least you know).

She sounds normal. My 10 year old DD isn't academic, sporty or musical. She has good people skills, is well liked, and we enjoy having her around. Her hobby is scouts.

I shouldn't be surprised as neither me nor my husband were academic, musical or sporty. It's never held us back in life.

We're both very proud of DD.

This is not true though, can you and your husband do zips / brush hair / write more than a few words? It's not fair to just write off a child because some people are not academic, this child may be able to thrive in the right environment with the right support. What the op describes is not normal to the extent that in year 5 the school think she should not go to mainstream secondary, hobbies etc are not actually the point at all. It's about getting past this one Dr who disagrees with all the other experts so proper support can be put in place. 10 years old is quite a challenge at school, if you look at the 11+ and the year 6 sats to get expected not pass is quite difficult English and maths.

^This !
OP, you have just described my own DD at that age, she took up riding when she was about 10 and loved it - no one on our family had ever ridden before, not even a donkey ! LOL ! Give it a try, it's not just riding, there's a good social scene too and chances to make new friends, look after the horses and other stuff.

You may not be able to see your DD wonderful talents but hopefully other loved ones in her life can. I hope she never picks up on how you feel though because no one deserves that.

This is a really nasty take.
I'd say you have completely misunderstood ops post and any good parent would be and should be rightly concerned and want to help their child with their difficulty not just write them off and say oh they must like something. It is not helpful.

Did you actually read the OP's posts?

The OP clearly loves her DD and is very concerned for her future. I know this is in AIBU but your comment was neither compassionate nor helpful.

I’m not going to reply back to you after this message because I’m not going to get into a debate but I completely and totally disagree.

I think she’s viewing her child really negatively and being very harsh focusing on all the many things she cannot do, it’s horrible.

Sometimes our talents are in kindness, empathy or love. Sometimes they are in academia or the arts. But to look at your child and see nothing? You’re looking at things wrong.

Hi OP. I am a very experienced SENCO and, more importantly mother to a child exactly like your daughter. He is severely dyspraxic, has awful dysgraphia, asd, dyslexia and some speech and language needs. We fought for him to go to a private special school where he had access to normal curriculum (he got GCSES and went to college), but got on site, integrated IOT, Physio, Speech and language. Sport for him is impossible but he can sail a boat like a ninja. He is now well into adulthood, drives, has a fill time job and has bought his own flat. He is still supported by us in terms of paperwork and troubleshooting but that all seemed a dream at ten. Start looking at private special schools. If you are South East then PM me. LEAs keep very quiet that they exist! You need to pay for private ASD assessment - sorry but it is the only way.

@ItsmeImtheproblem200 but the op has not done this in any way. She specifically praised her daughter for some of the things you say. You are being nasty to the op and putting words in her mouth she did not say. And kindness is not a talent. Nor is empathy. But again, the op praised her daughter for both of these if you bothered to read her posts.

I can understand why you are worried now. Good luck.

EDIT: on reading the full thread, I can see actually it sounds like she does need support for her developmental delays, and this is obviously what needs to be the focus, not framing it as "talents" and comparing her to other girls her age in that regard.

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This is all she needs. This is all wonderful stuff.

In terms of worrying about her future, virtually nobody gets a job on the basis of their talent for ballet, painting, football, etc. And even academics don't count for all that much in the end. I got excellent grades at school and have a (decent) job at the same level as others at my company who just about scraped through their exams. That's not because there's anything wrong with me or my job, it's just because there is so much else that people can bring to a workplace, so many different kinds of brains that shine in different situations.

I also went to school with people who seemed set on becoming a doctor, a vet, an architect, a lawyer, etc. Few of them ended up even studying for those careers, let alone doing them. Most of us work in jobs that we had never heard of or considered back then.

Resilience will get her a long way, especially if coupled with persistence. And kindness will smooth her path and bring her friendship. Don't forget too, that as well as her own earning potential, her quality of life will be greatly affected by her personal relationships, emotional wisdom and social skills.

Can't comment on the SEN issue, but in case you accidentally find yourself comparing to others (you're only human), in my life experience, all talented children are pushed, and hard. Their parents want it for them and will go to huge lengths (endless driving around, money on clubs) to make it happen.

My daughter is 12 now and has no hobbies and refuses to join any clubs and always has. Behind on maths and most other subjects.

Basically she has no interest in them! I can’t force her to so she does the best she can and we celebrate that and she’s happy and that’s honestly all I can ask for.
She has friends and is happy and loving.

She has a strong interest in beauty practices so we are channeling it into maybe one day when she’s older starting a business! You never know lol

I was like this as a child and I'm ASD. I was so shy and withdrawn and couldn't cope with noise / overwhelm etc, sports was not anything I could cope with, neither music lessons. The school system totally messed me up.

My suggestion is - build up outwardly from the scaffold of interests she already has, because she does have them. Obviously she has likes and preferences, for example if you give her the TV remote, what does she pick to watch? If you go in a bookshop or toy store, what catches her attention? If you let her pick out her own clothes, what fabrics and colours does she like? Is she terrified of animals or does she love nothing better than the chance to stroke a cat? What food does she prefer to eat, does she enjoy helping to make food? Does she like listening to music or dancing in private at home? Has she got people she likes to see whether it be same age friends or local shopkeepers or the little old lady next door? Does she like swimming? Does she enjoy being in the park and looking at nature? Does she like taking photos and videos?

As for the art - if she loves art then encourage it all the way. Not being able to 'fit in' to the school lessons doesn't mean she's not going to be a great artist, far from it.

If the school think she needs a supported environment for the next part of her education, I would take it. High school is brutal and even cruel for children who are sensitive, special, and different. If you don't build outwardly from who she already is, you could be crushing her spirit with expectations of academic norms.

Every child is good at something. Some DC haven't found out what they are good at yet. Keep offering your DD new hobbies to try. Does she has a pet? Would she be able to have a kitten? Or a rabbit? Would she care for it. It might raise her self esteem. You have already said your DD is sweet and kind. Is that not something wonderful to celebrate? My Foster Son helps train younger children in Sport. Could your DD be a befriender to a DC with no friends? Maybe she could be good at volunteering.