To wonder when children get manners

[PestilencialCrisis]

Just that really. At what age should children be able to remember to say please, thank you, sorry, pardon etc? Or remember to offer to share things or to automatically ask permission before doing something/taking something without being constantly prompted by adults asking "what do you say?" or "share nicely and offer one to x"

Any helpful tips on getting kids to remember these things themselves?

I think manners are possibly the most important thing ever. I have always been strict with wanting please and thank yous. Do they do it? No, at 9 and 4 they NEVER say it unless prompted. I find it infuriating and constantly explain how rude it is, refuse to give them anything until they've asked politely. But no, it just won't go in.

My 7 year old is very polite. My 5 year old needs reminding about 50% of the time.

They don’t “get” manners. You enforce manners from baby upwards

It turns out you have to teach them to do it.
This didn’t come naturally to me because I hate fake politeness - people saying ´thank you’ when they really mean ´you should have done this already, do it right now’. Or making kids say ´sorry’ when they are still furious and not at all sorry. Or children whining ´please please please’ to get what they want.
But then my toddler didn’t magically start saying please and thank you and people started commenting on it. So I started actively teaching it. It’s definitely still a work in progress though (reception age now).

By 2, if they're taught them from the start

I have an major dislike of enforced sorrys and sharing so never did that with my children but please and thank you I just reminded endlessly and still do on occasion

They aren't going to suddenly get manners, you need to put the work in

They don't suddenly 'get' manners - from day one you 'do' the manners for them and then gradually they take over and it is innate. So you say excuse me, please, thank you, write 'thank you' letters etc etc for them until they are able to speak, write etc. at which point you help them to do it until they don't need/want your help.

2 - nursery very good for this and family make sure they always treat dgd very politely so she just naturally does the same. If you say yes please, no thank you and treat people well etc she will do the same.

I always make sure she says bye bye and thank you to her key worker when I pick her up.

Good manners take you a long way in life.

I have a polite 4DD. We don't force apologies, we do the route of "you can say sorry when you're ready" and apologise for things when we need to ie if I shout. Sometimes she says "I'm not ready to say sorry yet" in which case she actually does come back later to say it and I know it means more.
She's good with please, bit of prompting sometimes, and usually says thank you. It was interrupting that took a bit more work, she's 50 50 on just barging in or putting her hand on the arm of whoever it is as a signal that she wants to talk.

Thank you 🙏 this makes me feel a bit better. I agree that manners are so important, but I'm constantly prompting all the time and feel embarrassed that they don't automatically say please/thank you to friends, family, shopkeepers, waiting staff etc.

I asked them today "what would you do if someone gave you a chocolate bar?" and they both replied quickly "say thank you" so they do KNOW it, they just don't DO it!

I started with the word Ta, which my mother hated hearing him say but my son could say that by 2 ish, then as his speech progressed he was able to say thank you properly.
My mother was a stickler for good manners and it was drummed into me as soon as I was able to talk but it backfired once because when I was about 3 -4, we were in a cafe, mum dad and I and suddenly I piped up in a very clear voice, " mummy that man on the next table didn't say please may I leave the table" Apparently my parents wanted the ground to open up but they couldn't tell me off as that was what they had taught me. The man's wife though , as my mum was mumbling sorry, said " you are quite right my dear he didn't and I'm going to tell him off now" 😀

My 2 year old says please and thank you all the time and my 6 year rarely says please and thank you (but it is getting better).
I have tried to avoid enforcing because it doesn't work and if it does then they are only doing because they have been told do. They will learn by you modelling it to them. Say please and thank you to your children, your partner, your friends, people in shops and cafes. Eventually they will get it but it depends on their development, personality, temperant etc

Kids don't do what you say, they do what you do. So you be the example.

They don’t “get” manners, they’re brought up with manners.
Keep going OP

I'd say you start teaching manners the moment they can talk - please, thanks, sorry etc

And it's never too early to teach the word NO.

Teach them as soon as they can talk. And always have good manners yourself so they know what is expected.

Keep putting the work in. My kids still “forget” at home but people always comment on how polite they are when I pick them up.

Constantly model good manners too and remind them. My 7 year old is very polite and good with sharing, my 3 year old is saying thank you but not please yet (generally doesn’t speak much yet). I notice a lot of rude children my daughter’s age who for example don’t reply to adults. Eg I say “hello Ruby” to a child I know well and child doesn’t reply.

My 18 month old can say please and thank you. We started with ta and then started saying thank you which she’s picked up. She says it when we hand her something and it’s very cute to hear her say it in her own little voice. If she wants a drink or snack she usually just says the words but we started saying please and she then replies with ‘peas’. I know she doesn’t understand it but I will explain it more as she grows up.

I’m a teacher and I like every class to have nice manners. I always remind my class that if someone is holding the door for you then it’s just good manners to be kind and say thank you. It’s taken a couple of months but they’re now really good with it.

There's two sides, teaching and modelling. They do tend to go together, but if parents naturally practice good manners, that goes a long way to helping children learn to use them naturally without prompting.

Children are human and falible and may forget when emotions take over, but over time, polite children will generally have polite habits and remember far more than they forget.

I was often complimented at parents evening as my children had such good manners, which I thought was normal, sadly it seemed unusual for the teacher to make such a point of it. My two are adults now and still have very good manners. It wasn’t something we really thought about, but perhaps we lead by example.

You enforce it with every encounter, not as draconian as it sounds. Just say please and thank you to them and make sure they say it to you. Say it please and thank you to every other person in the house every time. Get them to ask to leave the table and clear their plate away (and other people's too when they are old enough) it's a nice way to live

My DC had better manners at 2 and 3 you than they do now, towards the end of middle school. It's infuriating.

Manners are all about the company they keep.

Keep reinforcing at home. My kids can pull it out the bag when they're away from school friends/ in polite company.

You don't need to feel embarassed, I am sure people respect you for prompting them.

"When" does it happen? Well it's not a genetic thing that kicks in, like hormones. So guess what? You have to drill it into them. None of this, oh they know, but don't do it. Fuck that. Make it compulsory, you do it every time or you are in deep trouble. As automatic as wiping your own arse or flushing the loo. I mean you're the parent, right, you're actually in charge here?