To wonder when children get manners

[PestilencialCrisis]

Just that really. At what age should children be able to remember to say please, thank you, sorry, pardon etc? Or remember to offer to share things or to automatically ask permission before doing something/taking something without being constantly prompted by adults asking "what do you say?" or "share nicely and offer one to x"

Any helpful tips on getting kids to remember these things themselves?

Wow there’s a lot of smug parenting on here.

Just wanted to comment on this to say some children get anxious around less familiar adults and may not be being rude

This is absolutely brilliant!
Kids are so funny. Manners are a massive thing in my family and when my son was on his first Reception playdate I was taking him and I was reminding him of 'what do we need to say to Charlie's mummy? And he says 'please and thank you'. And what do we say when it's time to go home? ?thank you for having me'. Good lad. So I drop him off and as I am turning to go, I hear my boy saying 'Hello Charlie's mummy. Please Thank you and thank you for having me'. Then he ran inside to play hahaha

Mine all have pretty good manners. People often comment on it after play dates. We occasionally have to remind them but DH and I are always polite, even to each other. When he makes me a tea I say thanks babe. If I offer him something he says yes please. I had that hammered into me as a child so it’s been easy to expect it from the kids. I think modelling it is the most important thing.

We just modelled good manners, sometimes quite exaggerated when they were small, and sometimes thanked on behalf of them which prompted them to say thank you. Never actually prompted them to say please and thank you though. Can’t recall how old they were when they automatically said please and thank you.

When you teach them! Our kids could say a version of ta and please at 2, they were in the first dozen words or so they learned… then you just keep reinforcing -
say please, thank you, you’re welcome, stand back from train doors, let elderly people go first, stand aside for anyone who can’t walk as well as you…

they soon pick up that goos
manners in kids go a looonnnggg way with adults!

Mine both have ASD/ADHD with a side of pathological demand avoidance, but I've been shit hot on public manners from the start. And I explain repeatedly to them how exactly it makes their lives better: manners = people think you're a nice person = they like you = they make more allowances for you/your meltdowns plus they sometimes give you things.

DD is selectively mute, so we worked out she can smile and nod, or meow (don't ask, she's been a flaming cat for years now).

They're 12 and 8, and I still have to prompt them on occasion. But no one seems to have a problem with that.

Modelling behaviour doesn't work for my kids, btw. Mirroring doesn't work for a lot of autistic kids. They need it explaining instead.

I remember that if I was taking something from my dad as a kid, and I didn't say please could I have it or thank you for getting it, he would just keep it in his hand. If I ever forgot in public or around others, it would always be 'retinol, what do we say?'

You just have to keep insisting from very early. It's very obvious when I meet an adult whose parents didn't do this rudeness/lack of manners is ingrained over years

You have your version of family standards/politeness too, so I don’t care how scruffy our kids look so long as they’re clean, but they do eat sitting a the table, no devices, use a knife and fork properly etc
BFF kids are immaculately turned out at all times but piss about at restaurant tables, are in their phones, run about etc and it doesn’t bother them at all…

Thank you for admitting this - I am in the same position and my 8 year old son still needs constant prompting too.

As quickly as they can talk. I think it's important so basically I instilled it and would remind them if they didn't say please and thank you. Same with sharing I think this one is harder when they are little but they start to get it about age 3. They always offer to share their sweets with friends or ask me for more (if say it's a lollipop) so they aren't leaving someone out.

My 3yr old says thank you a lot but occasionally needs reminded. My 6yr old is so clued up and is super polite and never needs prompted. Always saying it to strangers for holding a door or letting her pass etc. It's so lovely to see.

I'm a stickler for manners- they cost nothing but go a long way. I have a 15 month old in my care and she already says Ta when she's given anything.

As soon as they can talk. My son is speech delayed but please, thank you and excuse me are 3 of the most consistent things he says spontaneously in the right context. He's almost 3.

I insist upon it. Plus we have taught him to wait when necessary (outside a lift for example, or going through a door) and he does this without asking as well.

Please and thank you can be taught from a young age, they'll do with prompting from a young age, and they'll 'get' it without us reminding them at different ages.

I strongly dislike forced apologies because it doesn't breed sincerity. I'd rather DC took time to calm down or reflect and talk to me in their own time than mutter a half-arsed apology to shut me up.

I also don't enforce sharing because each time I force my children to share just because someone else wants the thing, I'd be actually teaching them that everyone else in the world should cater to them on demand. I teach mine to ask if they can have a go when someone else has finished, and in turn I teach them to be mindful of not hogging the toy/equipment.

I think modelling sharing and apologising with sincerity is more important than them saying the right words to tick a box.

2 kids both taught manners. One polite everywhere. One invariably impolite at home but apparently charming elsewhere.

DS is 4 and does most of those things most of the time. The only exception is when he’s tired or overwhelmed and he’s deliberately trying to get attention by being silly / rude. 90% of the time he’s very polite.

By 2. Both my children have always been super polite and use please and thank you. The nursery commented on how polite they were as did school when they started. Modeling is key. They copy you.

Once they got to a certain age I just pretended I couldn't hear them if they asked without saying please. They figured it out fast

So sorry - meant to post this on another post!

Yes, same. My eldest is 6 and was very good at please and thank you when he was 2 or so, but now needs constant prompting. My 3yo is following the example his 6yo brother sets.

Simple.

Would you like toast?
Yes
Pardon
Yes
Pardon
Yes, please

bread goes in toaster !

Things simply don't happen without a please or a thank you. No exceptions. From the age of about three onwards.

Yes, they do it when I remind them, but I want them to do it without me reminding them!

On paper I'm doing everything "right", I don't give them anything until they say please/thank you, I remind them constantly to say please and thank you to friends/family/strangers, I make them write thank you cards, I make them thank their teacher(Yr2) or keyworker (nursery) when I pick them up, I don't respond to rudeness, but they still need reminding. What age will this sink in? What else can I do? Kids are 3 and 6.

Thanks, really helpful. #womensupportingwomen