Page 4 | To wonder when children get manners

PestilencialCrisis · 2023-10-25T17:30:30+00:00

Just that really. At what age should children be able to remember to say please, thank you, sorry, pardon etc? Or remember to offer to share things or to automatically ask permission before doing something/taking something without being constantly prompted by adults asking "what do you say?" or "share nicely and offer one to x" Any helpful tips on getting kids to remember these things themselves?

Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 01:55

stargirl1701 · 25/10/2023 19:43

Started with baby signing please and thank you from 6 months.

80% of the time, they remember without being prompted.

The first time DD1 was invited to a friend's for dinner she asked, "Should I bow?" 😂

I did baby sign classes with eldest, and can prompt by subtlety doing the "thank you" sign. We've not had the bowing conversation yet though! That is another level! 👏👏👏

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HappiDaze · 26/10/2023 01:55

You just behave like that naturally in front of them so they copy your decent polite behaviour

You just reinforce it through life

They'll probably start doing it without prompting once they start school and they have to behave

Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 02:00

CopernicusCalled · 25/10/2023 19:48

My experience is that at 2/3 they are adorable and enthusiastically say 'yes peese mummy!' and 'fankoo' and all sorts of heart melting toddler talk that makes you think they are going to be the most polite and well spoken child in human history.

At about 4/5 it begins to slide and you gently remind them.

My eldest is nearly 8 and some of the absolute cheek, backchat and lack of manners from him is hair raising.

I'm assuming/hoping it all falls back into place and they'll be polite as adults. They are polite to others when out of the house so I think that's a sign they know the score, they just choose to push it a bit with me.

Thank you! My ds1 said peas and fankoo at 2-3, but now (age 6) needs constant reminding. So lovely to see all these posters with angelic 2-3 year olds and very comforting to hear from parents of children aged 5+ who are modelling, reminding and struggling with manners as I am.

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hoobanoobie · 26/10/2023 02:06

PinkRoses1245 · 25/10/2023 18:35

They don’t “get” manners. You enforce manners from baby upwards

This. I loved that my DD was always complimented on her manners from aged 3. You teach them, they learn. It's an important part of growing and it's a parents job to instil manners from an early age. First building block towards becoming a civilised human. Why is this a question?

DeepFriedBananas · 26/10/2023 02:08

From when they could walk and talk with mine.

Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 02:09

SunSparkle · 25/10/2023 22:06

I think modelling is more important than promoting. If our children consistently hear us say please thank you and you’re welcome, it becomes second nature to them. Consistency pays off. And also helps role model healthy relationships and interactions.

for example in our house, you always say thank you for your meal. And if part of it is not to your taste, we have a ‘no thank you’ plate to put bits you don’t like. But we do not tolerate ‘yucky’ ‘ewww’ ‘disgusting’ as it’s disrespectful to whoever cooked your meals. You simply just have to say ‘no thank you’.

This is lovely! 😊 Makes me feel very hopeful.

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hoobanoobie · 26/10/2023 02:13

HappiDaze · 26/10/2023 01:55

You just behave like that naturally in front of them so they copy your decent polite behaviour

You just reinforce it through life

They'll probably start doing it without prompting once they start school and they have to behave

This too. I've seen the difference with parents who're happy to say "fuck this, fuck that, oh shit, you fucking cunt, don't you dare repeat that in school".
Lead by example. It's really not hard. Just wait until they're out of earshot and you can turn the air blue. Every parent knows there should be a big gap between how they react and behave versus how their small children do. It's just another part of being a parent. Whether they take that on board or not is up to them.

Isthisexpected · 26/10/2023 02:13

Parakeetamol · 25/10/2023 18:33

I think manners are possibly the most important thing ever. I have always been strict with wanting please and thank yous. Do they do it? No, at 9 and 4 they NEVER say it unless prompted. I find it infuriating and constantly explain how rude it is, refuse to give them anything until they've asked politely. But no, it just won't go in.

I never prompted I just modelled. My toddler was saying please and thank you several times a day.

They watch and listen and copy. If their primary caregiver (which could be nursery staff if FT!) don't say please and thank you consistently then they won't either.

Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 02:15

Hankunamatata · 25/10/2023 22:11

I saw a lovely post on face book about a teacher talking a little bit about manners. I showed my own older kids as it just explains it perfectly (they are nd and manners don't come naturally)
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02h2HTyVYSVekbsAn3SqhpvnBXTqWHFNwku68UgsoA2b62oe1Wkv33rNJpv5QZdMD4l&id=569545120

Getting a "Content no found" message. Is it possible to copy and paste or is it a visual meme? X

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Ladyj84 · 26/10/2023 02:18

Our twins are 2 they already know please and thankyou or they get nothing. Current phase is shaking everyones hand and also saying hello lol which I haven't taught them it's amusing. Our 3 year old it's very rare we need to remind for please,thank yous. Just a case of using from tiny and carrying it on

Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 02:26

This is something I worry about. I am a single parent, so the children don't see anyone else thanking me for making dinner, pouring drinks, tidying up etc. Although I model manners at home, I do worry that they don't see anyone else thanking me for the day-to-day stuff, so aren't exposed enough to pleases and thank yous.

(Before anyone jumps on, I'm sure there are lots of polite children with single mothers, I am just saying this is something I personally am worrying about as my children are not saying please/thank you automatically and despite my modelling they do need constant reminders).

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Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 02:52

wouldthatbeworse · 25/10/2023 22:13

Wow there’s a lot of smug parenting on here.

100%!

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Original poster

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 03:01

hoobanoobie · 26/10/2023 02:06

This. I loved that my DD was always complimented on her manners from aged 3. You teach them, they learn. It's an important part of growing and it's a parents job to instil manners from an early age. First building block towards becoming a civilised human. Why is this a question?

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It's a question because this is a parenting forum and this is something I am struggling with as a parent and so I'm asking for advice.

I am doing everything I can think of to instill good manners because I value good manners and I want my children to be polite and I want advice on how I can help them have good manners.

What do you do when modelling/prompting good manners isn't working?

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RenegadeMasterx · 26/10/2023 05:13

First thing I taught my two. Everytime I handed them something even from 6 months old I'd say 'ta' or 'thank you mummy' and my children have said please and thank you from the moment they could talk properly. It's so important to instil manners in your children

ChristinaNotChristine · 26/10/2023 05:55

When they learn to speak and ask for things. All my kids have wonderful manners. They did when they were toddlers and they still do now, even if it's just the teenager thanking the little brother for handing over the tv remote. A please and thank you is always said.

Thepossibility · 26/10/2023 06:02

As soon as they were learning to talk

LoreleiG · 26/10/2023 06:17

I think you just have to keep on reminding them and doing it yourself. This is what my parents did and I am now the world’s most polite adult so I live in hope for my own kids.

It’s tedious though isn’t it? It’s also tedious how many perfect parents there always are on these threads!

Usernamesarenoteasy · 26/10/2023 06:30

It's a long slog teaching them. However my kids are now mid teens, and I'm oh so proud of them every single time they say please and thank you. In shops, restaurants, when strangers hold doors open....
It does sink in eventually!

MaryShelley1818 · 26/10/2023 06:57

DS5 always has beautiful manners, is complimented on it in school regularly.
DD2 I would say 90% of the time but still needs a few reminders.
We've literally drummed it into them from Day one so now it's just second nature to them both.

Starrystarryfight · 26/10/2023 07:05

I do think that if you’re thinking about it and asking here you are probably likely to be keeping it a high priority in your every day life and modelling/reminding already.

My kids can be pains in the arse at home but their manners when out or with other people are impeccable because it was always my ‘thing’ (probably at the expense of other important things tbh)

Shutthedoormargaret · 26/10/2023 07:12

I think you have to be very strict from the moment they're able to communicate and then remind them in every interaction if they forget. Obviously with a small child it's mostly modelling saying please and thank you etc and reminding them to say it (or try to!).

Mine are 9 and 12 now and are good with manners most of the time (especially with people outside our family) but still need reminding sometimes, especially if they're distracted with something else.

Tone / choice of words is also important when they're older. I sometimes have to ask my kids to say something again more politely because shoving a please on the end doesn't stop something sounding rude.

AllotmentTime · 26/10/2023 07:39

What do you do when modelling/prompting good manners isn't working?

Keep persevering and they will get it. As they get older they will start doing more things you can thank them for, and that will be your modelling. And then when you do get a genuine spontaneous thank you for making their favourite dinner or whatever, hopefully your beaming smile reinforces to them how much it means ☺️

Also in my experience there will be a sudden switch where you will go "What do you say?" And realise that actually they were Just About to say thank you and you interrupted them 🤣

PerspiringElizabeth · 26/10/2023 07:41

Parakeetamol · 25/10/2023 18:33

I think manners are possibly the most important thing ever. I have always been strict with wanting please and thank yous. Do they do it? No, at 9 and 4 they NEVER say it unless prompted. I find it infuriating and constantly explain how rude it is, refuse to give them anything until they've asked politely. But no, it just won't go in.

Same 😄😄 well my oldest, 8 years, constantly needs reminding. He HAS been taught since a baby. Everyone says he’s polite (teachers, waiters etc) and he does ask nicely, but THANK YOU is a real battle!! I think when something he wants is given to him eg pudding, he just wants it ASAP and forgets to say thank you 😄😤

Elvis1956 · 26/10/2023 08:45

I'm 55 and still sometimes forget! My parents were very keen on manners and being polite. But I was a shy child so and often struggled to even say thank you to an adult.
But I am positive that most parents get it right and that most kids are polite. I'm a people watcher and I am surprised how good a lot of kids are in that way. I'm a working class person and my cousin's kids and I have a lot of cousins, have had it drilled into them to say please and thank you.

LittleBearPad · 26/10/2023 09:05

PestilencialCrisis · 26/10/2023 02:52

100%!

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Mainly from parents of preschoolers.

It all goes to pot at school and you’re back to reminding them. Just keep going modelling and reminding nagging them and it will stick eventually.