To wonder when children get manners

[PestilencialCrisis]

Just that really. At what age should children be able to remember to say please, thank you, sorry, pardon etc? Or remember to offer to share things or to automatically ask permission before doing something/taking something without being constantly prompted by adults asking "what do you say?" or "share nicely and offer one to x"

Any helpful tips on getting kids to remember these things themselves?

When my son was 4, in reception, I was talking to a teacher and he butted in. I said 'you don't butt in you say 'excuse me' and wait until you are invited to speak' not expecting ANYTHING to come of it.

He NEVER butted in a conversation again. Anyone I was talking to stood open mouthed when he did it, and he still is exceptionally polite.

When they start talking!! They should be mimicking/copying you. You say please and thank you to them, and they should do the same.

I've always been pretty strict about table manners and I would say my kids "got" them around 4 or 5 without being prompted and other parents have commented how polite they were when they went to tea.
I noticed that even age 8 or 9 almost none of DS friends said please or thank you, they threw food at the table, mucked about, talked back to me etc.
However my DC are teens now and I don't think they've ever said sorry (without prompting) to each other or to me if they've upset someone or behaved badly!!

Also one of the things that took longer (especially with DS) was awareness of other people when walking out and about- so moving aside to let people pass, saying excuse me if he was passing, walking in front of people etc
Having said this half the time DH seems totally oblivious to other people as well

In my experience OP it is extraordinary how many years you have to spend reminding them! They do start doing it eventually.

My son is pretty consistent about saying please whenever he asks for something. He says ‘thank you’ unprompted about two thirds of the time, needs reminding otherwise. He is 2 (3 in January).

People do occasionally comment on how polite he is but I expect at the moment it’s just because he’s the right age to 1) mimic us (we model please and thank you constantly), and 2) to want to please us / be rewarded by doing things ‘right’. Whether or not he will still be polite at 5 / 7 / 9 etc is likely to be a different story!

By 3 if you aren't a trash parent

My children are 9 and 4 and both always say please and thank you and the four year old is more than capable of sharing and showing respect for others. I work with 5/6 year olds and out of a class of 26 there is 2 who say please and thank you to me regularly!!!

Started with baby signing please and thank you from 6 months.

80% of the time, they remember without being prompted.

The first time DD1 was invited to a friend's for dinner she asked, "Should I bow?" 😂

I would say about two and a half, @PestilencialCrisis . DS could say ‘peeease’ before that but I’m not sure he totally understood it. He now says please and thank you unprompted mostly and can ‘take turns’ although he still needs reminding about this (and thinks his turn should be ten times longer than anyone else’s!) He is nearly 3.

Agree..

My 2 year old grandson is being taught please and thank you

DS2 (3) is very polite and usually says please and thank you unprompted, he will also sometimes tidy up after himself unprompted (thank you nursery!)

DS1 (7) needs to be reminded more to say please/thank you but apologises without prompting if he accidentally hurts someone/makes a big mess. He is still a very messy eater though.

My experience is that at 2/3 they are adorable and enthusiastically say 'yes peese mummy!' and 'fankoo' and all sorts of heart melting toddler talk that makes you think they are going to be the most polite and well spoken child in human history.

At about 4/5 it begins to slide and you gently remind them.

My eldest is nearly 8 and some of the absolute cheek, backchat and lack of manners from him is hair raising.

I'm assuming/hoping it all falls back into place and they'll be polite as adults. They are polite to others when out of the house so I think that's a sign they know the score, they just choose to push it a bit with me.

Starting to be consistent in my 2 year old. My 5 year old occasionally forgets her manners but we ignore the comment and she asks again properly.

Not in a really formal way - just speak how you’d like to be spoken to. She’s started saying ‘thanks for dinner mum / dad’ off her own back, so I think she now has inherent awareness of others.

My 2.5 yr old almost always says please and thank you and sorry. Rarely says excuse me and does interrupt though.

DH and I are very polite and if dc doesn't say please or thank you I stop what I'm doing and raise my eyebrow at them, and they remember.

I should work more on the interrupting now I've read this thread!

Well those aren't the same thing. StBrides is saying by 2 hers would say please, thank you, sorry, pardon etc. unprompted. I think it's quite unusual for them to have that level of manners without prompting at 2.

I think like your grandson, most are still learning it at this age.

Op, at nearly 4, they'll remember about 50% to say thank you when we get off the bus, go to the shop etc but will say when reminded "what do we say?". DS, 8, needs reminding occasionally.
The 3 you share really well unless they don't want to

My kids use manners with everyone except me. They've all been good when out and about since small. I think they watch my modelled behaviour and act accordingly but at home we're still probably not as polite so they follow suit

When do you teach them - straight away
When do they start remembering done of the time - straight away
When do they always remember - never!

In other words you will need to remind but that will reduce over time. You need to be consistent though

I think just start early, reinforce with repitition and always show by example too, and it will become second nature.

My two teenage boys (19 and 16) have lovely manners, my lovely mum helped drill manners into all her grand children
I remember picking them up from their granny's when they were small and asked how their day had been, to be told by DS2 who was around 5.at the time they had been "learning manners from Granny" which made us all laugh and granny look a bit sheepish.

To this day they still put their cutlery together after each meal, offer to help tidy up and say please may I leave the table. Granny ensured they knew it was rude to leave before everyone had finished, dont start until everyone was served etc. No elbows on table and also thank you for making dinner etc after every meal. Table manners were so important to her and each time they say please may I leave the table we all smile and it makes me think of my lovely mum.

Perseverance is key

My dc had manners from age 2. She's still very polite at 12. Always says please, thank you, thanks us for making dinner or doing other things for her.

Teach them to say 'please may I have' etc, stops all that 'what's the magic word?' stuff :)

I don’t insist on ‘sorry’ at school, but I do encourage the perpetrator to check on the victim to see whether they are ok. Be it verbal, physical or just behaviour that has upset someone else. They quite often end up saying sorry by themselves once the repair has been done.

Sorry just as a word is pointless.

Started from day 1 really, always made sure that please, thank you, sorry and acknowledge when spoken to. It was seriously cute as a toddler and was really good at it.

I'd say about 60% at 6 and depends on who's she's with and in what setting. I do think that so few of her peers seem to say please and thank you she thinks she doesn't have to.

Having said that she can turn it on when she wants and is needed though

I think modelling is more important than promoting. If our children consistently hear us say please thank you and you’re welcome, it becomes second nature to them. Consistency pays off. And also helps role model healthy relationships and interactions.

for example in our house, you always say thank you for your meal. And if part of it is not to your taste, we have a ‘no thank you’ plate to put bits you don’t like. But we do not tolerate ‘yucky’ ‘ewww’ ‘disgusting’ as it’s disrespectful to whoever cooked your meals. You simply just have to say ‘no thank you’.

My children have lots of faults, so I'm absolutely not playing the perfect parent here.

BUT... please and thank you we're automatic by the time they were all 2ish. Every parents evening I have been to the first thing commented on has always been what lovely manners they have and how polite they are.

IMO, it's modelling the behaviour. Always say please and thank you etc to your children and they very quickly learn to copy too. Every time your little ones draw you a picture, give you a rock, etc say thank you. They catch on very quickly.

I saw a lovely post on face book about a teacher talking a little bit about manners. I showed my own older kids as it just explains it perfectly (they are nd and manners don't come naturally)
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02h2HTyVYSVekbsAn3SqhpvnBXTqWHFNwku68UgsoA2b62oe1Wkv33rNJpv5QZdMD4l&id=569545120