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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife's employment

119 replies

Father1 · 25/10/2023 11:41

I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male.

My wife has been an excellent administrator (data entry and other routine simple admin) for 20 years. Early 40s, our child is a preschooler. She did a bit of sales early in her twenties.

I've strong work ethic, have worked hard and had a pay rise every year of my working life and I do alright, though listening to you lot I earn a fraction of all your £200k salaries.

Anyway, that doesn't mean I'm not feeling the pressure with the cost of living crisis, mortgage increases etc.

What is out there, what industries, what jobs are out there for someone who has no formal qualifications after GCSE, maths isn't a strength, is an excellent people person, has two decades of life behind her and pays alright? Better than a low level administrator? What is out there that she could try her hand at without previous industry experience?

I know she would love more money and not to rely on me so much.

I'm not expecting her to change jobs for a couple of years until our child is in school but I would like your take on it so perhaps to understand options / help her move up in the world.

OP posts:
Imenti · 25/10/2023 14:59

Not keen on your tone, but giving you the benefit of the doubt if you are trying to help her in a kindly way.

PA or EA as others have suggested but also project management. You can get entry level project roles that pay ok and lots of businesses will pay for you to do your PM qualification - my APM was only a week. Could possibly save and complete this privately to get her a better chance of getting a role if/when she is ready to look.

ButDaddyILoveHim · 25/10/2023 15:00

Strictly1 · 25/10/2023 14:55

to be fair he’s right about getting a harder time because he’s male.

Edited

He's getting a hard time because he's come across like a chippy twat.

TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 15:05

ButDaddyILoveHim · 25/10/2023 15:00

He's getting a hard time because he's come across like a chippy twat.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

spitefulandbadgrammar · 25/10/2023 15:07

So she’s excellent at her job but you consider it low level? She’s excellent at her job but needs your help to move up in the world? Do you even like her, or…?

divinededacende · 25/10/2023 15:11

Wow, mate. I'm a guy and if you're going to get abuse, it's not because you're male, it's because of how patronising your post is!

It's a bit worrying that you single yourself out for having a great work ethic but not your wife who is, as you say, an "excellent administrator". Having a good work ethic is nothing do with whether you progress or earn more. It definitely helps you progress but working a "low level" job for 20 years doesn't mean you lack a work ethic, quite the opposite.

Can't really help you here because we don't know you're wife. If she's really interested in moving up in the world, then she'd be better making posts like this because there's any number of jobs and industries out there but whether you're going to be successful depends on whether they're a good fit for you.

I will say one thing about her prospects. Being a competent, skilled administrator is a good start in lots of industries and it has opportunities for progression in itself. It comes down to the size of company she works for and whether it has room for advancement. She could stick to her core skill base but move to a better place with the intention of starting a journey with a supportive employer. If you're wife really is interested but hasn't done it in 20 years, is it because the opportunities weren't there or because she doesn't have the confidence in her own skills? Two very different issues with two different approaches.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that your intentions aren't completely shit but, whatever's going on, I think your priority needs to shift away from doing for/to and more towards supporting her and empowering her to achieve whatever's most important to her in life.

Stillwaitingfor · 25/10/2023 15:14

Yeesh.

BobblePin · 25/10/2023 15:16

LTB

Pastlast · 25/10/2023 15:23

“I do alright, though listening to you lot I earn a fraction of all your £200k salaries.”

What’s with all the passive-aggressive contempt for people you are asking advice from?

Babochan88 · 25/10/2023 15:24

Project assistant/ Executive Assistant/ Project management

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 15:24

Your masculinity sounds so fragile.

Are you ok?

toadasoda · 25/10/2023 15:27

BobblePin · 25/10/2023 15:16

LTB

😀

Gummybear23 · 25/10/2023 15:33

A manager position in her current area

INeedAnotherName · 25/10/2023 15:33

What has your wife said she wants? That would be helpful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 15:37

Wow, mate. I'm a guy and if you're going to get abuse, it's not because you're male, it's because of how patronising your post is!

@divinededacende

Some people don't like blokes on here. But I don't like twats on here. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay, make yourself at home, have a drink. The OP, not really.

Woollyguru · 25/10/2023 15:41

Executive assistant. Especially in financial services. Can easily earn £50-70k with 5 years solid EA C suite experience.

Userwithallthenumbers · 25/10/2023 15:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:23

He defaulted to 'women be bitches' in the first line.

Show quote history

It doesn't take long on here for it to be clear to any reader that almost anyone who says they are a man gets criticised regardless of what they say or ask. I read his post as resignation to that fact. You read it as women be bitches. Neither of us know which is interpretation is correct.

Even if he had skipped that sentence, everyone would still have piled on him for being a man asking questions to support his wife.

spookehtooth · 25/10/2023 15:43

I was prejudiced and voted unreasonable after the first sentence. You met my expectations before you finished your post, so my instinct was right. I'm a bloke too, that comment bothers me. Stand or fall on the merit of your position :-)

It's not your job to find her a better paying job or expect her to take one, unless she has asked you to do that. It's reasonable to have a conversation with her about it, so long as you accept how she feels and she doesn't feel pressured by you look for another job. It's poison to put pressure on her. Trying to creates problems, and if successful you become partially responsible for anything negative that might follow from that.

That doesn't mean you have to accept the circumstances, expressing your view on the impact is fine, but solutions to that impact should be mutually agreed. If it's that big an issue, leaving is an option, although it doesn't sound like you're in that situation

Rogue1001MNer · 25/10/2023 15:47

Some people don't like blokes on here. But I don't like twats on here

Love this, and wholeheartedly agree @MrsTerryPratchett

You assume support @Userwithallthenumbers, but some pps are wondering if the OP is going to try to use the responses to bully or coerce the wife.
None of us know which is right, or if neither are, but I'm with those who are potentially looking out for women

ManateeFair · 25/10/2023 15:59

I've strong work ethic, have worked hard and had a pay rise every year of my working life

How is that relevant to your wife's career, though? Not quite sure what you're implying here.

Anyway, that doesn't mean I'm not feeling the pressure

But if it's not your wife that's putting that pressure on you, why have you decided she has to earn more money? Are you in debt? Does your wife make demands that exceed your joint household income, or is she happy enough to live within your means?

I would like your take on it so perhaps to understand options / help her move up in the world

Does she want to move up in the world, though? Apart from one line where you say you 'know' she would like to be less reliant on you (has she actually told you that and asked you to find her a solution, though?) you've only really talked about what you want. You don't even say 'we' at any point. You just say that you work hard, you feel the pressure, and that you expect your wife to change careers in a couple of years when your child starts school.

If you'd said "My wife and I have been talking about our finances and she's said that she'd really like to earn a bit more, but she's worried that she doesn't have the skills for a more lucrative career. She's a really good administrator and a really good people person, and although she doesn't have qualifications beyond GCSE level she's got a lot to offer - we'd really like to hear your take on what kinds of roles might suit her once she's ready to move up a level" you'd get a really positive response, I'm sure. It's not the fact that you're a man, it's the fact that you seem to have taken control of your spouse's career based on what you think she should do rather than what she wants to do.

I always feel really uncomfortable about threads where anyone, male or female, talks that way about their spouse or even their adult children. I hate the threads where women say 'Aibu to think DH needs to be more ambitious?' or 'AIBU to think my DS could do better than this?' too.

MsRosley · 25/10/2023 16:00

Magicpaintbrush · 25/10/2023 12:49

Wow. That's a pleasant way to start your post. You assume we're all horrible man hating harpies? Thanks very much. Why would you say that??

Show quote history

I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male.

Ah, well you're in the right place, because we're all such old harpies on here that we still dole out abuse in imperial tons, so you'll get slight less than you anticipated.

Timeforchangeithink · 25/10/2023 16:01

I read your post that you're very proud of your wife and you know she will want to, and is more than capable of doing more in the future (but given lack of formal qualifications and self confidence)probably doesn't feel like she is able and you're looking for help and advice on how to be there for her with some ideas and to be ready go be supportive and encouraging? If so given your description of her any customer facing roles - Sales/Reception/Front of house can all lead up the ranks.

Mumaway · 25/10/2023 16:02

Code First Girls might give her some skills to make that move when she is ready. Our friend is leaving teaching having done a sponsored evening qualification through them

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2023 16:24

Is there a reason why she can’t post herself? It’s a lot easier as then she can discuss the replies etc

I’m not quite sure why your job and salary are relevant?

Also no one gives anyone abuse for being male - it’s starting a post by accusing other posters of abusing men that puts people off!

BIossomtoes · 25/10/2023 16:28

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 15:37

Wow, mate. I'm a guy and if you're going to get abuse, it's not because you're male, it's because of how patronising your post is!

@divinededacende

Some people don't like blokes on here. But I don't like twats on here. As far as I'm concerned, you can stay, make yourself at home, have a drink. The OP, not really.

😂

Gillypie23 · 25/10/2023 16:32

Isn't it up yo your wife if she wishes to apply for a new job. Not your place. You sound controlling.