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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife's employment

119 replies

Father1 · 25/10/2023 11:41

I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male.

My wife has been an excellent administrator (data entry and other routine simple admin) for 20 years. Early 40s, our child is a preschooler. She did a bit of sales early in her twenties.

I've strong work ethic, have worked hard and had a pay rise every year of my working life and I do alright, though listening to you lot I earn a fraction of all your £200k salaries.

Anyway, that doesn't mean I'm not feeling the pressure with the cost of living crisis, mortgage increases etc.

What is out there, what industries, what jobs are out there for someone who has no formal qualifications after GCSE, maths isn't a strength, is an excellent people person, has two decades of life behind her and pays alright? Better than a low level administrator? What is out there that she could try her hand at without previous industry experience?

I know she would love more money and not to rely on me so much.

I'm not expecting her to change jobs for a couple of years until our child is in school but I would like your take on it so perhaps to understand options / help her move up in the world.

OP posts:
Dogsitterwoes · 25/10/2023 13:24

Odd to be so rude to people you are asking advice from.

QWE96 · 25/10/2023 13:26

It always amazes me how men feel discriminated against when they're given a reaction to their objectively disgusting attitude.

It's also bloody audacious to ask advice from a forum you obviously hold contempt for.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/10/2023 13:27

What’s your wife’s wishes?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 25/10/2023 13:29

You lost me at this. What a dick comment

though listening to you lot I earn a fraction of all your £200k salaries.

StBrides · 25/10/2023 13:29

AmazingSnakeHead · 25/10/2023 12:12

You lost me at "I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male."

if you wanted genuine advice you would describe the situation without the snarky asides.

Snap

fyn · 25/10/2023 13:58

The best paying job I ever had was a PA to an Ultra High Net Worth family. High pressure though!

Now I’m a parish clerk earning £18ph, flexible from home so no child care costs really! I aim to have qualified (paid for by employer) and be a town clerk within 5 years. Town Clerks can earn £50/70k.

ChristyBurlington · 25/10/2023 14:01

What do you mean when you say she would want to not rely on you so much? Why would she be relying on you? Are all earnings not just seen as family earnings? Or is it a case of what's yours is yours?

And did your wife take care of the domestic duties while you were climbing the career ladder? Was she responsible for the domestic load and childcare etc while she was also working or did you split that 50/50? If you did not split it 50/50, and if she is still carrying the load at home, are you paying her for outsourcing your duties to her?

You're either a partnership or you're not, and it sounds like in your case you've had a good ride over the last 20 years but now that your child/children are growing up you want your wife to pick up more of your slack.

But as you implied, I am a shrill harpy so feel free to ignore my response.

Tempnamechng · 25/10/2023 14:11

I know she would love more money and not to rely on me so much. I don't understand this, surely as a married couple with one of you working part time to raise a preschooler you share finances? It sounds as though you give her pocket money? It's really for your wife to decide on a career, rather than ask other women what your wife should do for work. Women work in as wide a range of jobs as men! What you have to consider is that one of you has to be on hand to collect your dc from school at the drop dc of a hat if they become ill. One of you has to take to school and collect, one of you has to juggle school holidays with their work. This, by the sounds of it will probably be your wife, and unfortunately I know many well educated women working for people less qualified than them, in minimum wage jobs, because it fits around the family. This is why you need to see this as a partnership, don't frame it as her having to rely on you for money, because that really isn't what is going on here.

MyBlueDiary · 25/10/2023 14:17

If she wants a new job, I'd suggest having a look at the civil service and see what vacancies are local to you. There are lots of roles where they are looking for a set of skills rather than particular qualifications and there's a lot of room to shape your application and interview answers to meet their requirements (there is a particular knack to this for the CS so would suggest your wife does some research or comes back and asks on here for help). The pay is reasonable, it's a genuinely flexible and family-friendly employer and the pension is great.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:22

AmazingSnakeHead · 25/10/2023 12:12

You lost me at "I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male."

if you wanted genuine advice you would describe the situation without the snarky asides.

This. The rest of the post didn't make you sound too much like a wanker but that opening line means I assume you hate women.

Maybe let your wife know we're here if she wants advice.

Testina · 25/10/2023 14:22

“I know she would love more money and not to rely on me so much”

Of course a decent partner would never have ended up in the position where the person making career decisions around caring for their joint child felt they were relying on their partner. Great if as a family you want to go for more money. But that’s something you need to fix now that you have made her feel like she relies on you, or if it’s really coming from her, you haven’t done enough to help her get over that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:23

Userwithallthenumbers · 25/10/2023 12:16

Maybe she has asked for his input? Maybe they want to plan together for how to improve her skill set and qualifications before she starts looking?
Why does everyone default to a perfect demonstration of why he caveated his post?

None of you know what she may separately be doing, but immediately default to running him down.

He defaulted to 'women be bitches' in the first line.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 25/10/2023 14:26

Shouldn't you be asking what you can do to improve your own career/salary options going forward?

Planesplanesplanes · 25/10/2023 14:27

DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/10/2023 12:24

I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male.

Which raises the question of why the hell you bothered to post in the first place?

Or why he bothered to tell us.

letspopthekettleon · 25/10/2023 14:28

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/10/2023 12:06

OP what are your intentions? Do you want your wife to contribute more financially to the family? Or do you feel she is unhappy capable of a more demanding job?
Having a young child is demanding, your wife balances care and work …. Why isn’t that enough?

This!

FloofCloud · 25/10/2023 14:33

What does she fancy doing? First thing that springs to mind is travel agent, or flight attendant. My BFF has no qualifications either and has been looking at this type of role.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:40

There's an interesting phenomenon I've noticed in DH's two twatty friends. They date very pretty women with no qualifications, not great jobs. The men want to sweep a woman off their feet, be the big dog in the relationship.

Then they marry and want the women to turn into Martha Stewart/Nigella Lawson clones who tend house and look decorative. Host the family, be in charge of all the social and family commitments. Their job isn't as important, right?

Then children and they want a Madonna figure who looks after the children through the shit bit where they're dependent and needy. The men do nothing and the SAHMs do everything. Their careers are important.

Then the children grow up a bit and are easier and the wife is supposed to transform into Steve Jobs overnight, make money, be effective. Still do the housework of course.

Then the wife fails to magically transform again and the bloke has an affair. Or takes up Iron Man or cycling.

The women have to change all the time, the men get to stay the same, or get worse.

Thank fuck I married DH.

JenniferBooth · 25/10/2023 14:45

I'm not expecting her to change jobs for a couple of years until our child is in school

What you REALLY mean is you dont want her to do that for another couple of years in case YOU have to do more childcare.

So i cant imagine you are the sort of father who would do his fair share of drop offs and pick ups and taking time off work when the kid is sick. I can see through men like you like a sheet of glass

Attitudes like this are one of the reasons that im child free by choice

backtowinter · 25/10/2023 14:45

I wouldn't have abused you for being a man

However I don't like being referred to as "you lot"

Your wife's an adult. Let her be an adult

allhellcantstopusnow · 25/10/2023 14:47

I'm expecting a tonne of abuse here simply because I'm male.

though listening to you lot I earn a fraction of all your £200k salaries.

Sigh.

extrasushiplease · 25/10/2023 14:52

I can't take anyone (male or female, I promise) seriously who comes in, expecting people to give their free time to advice, all while insulting who they're asking as they come through the door.

Strictly1 · 25/10/2023 14:55

to be fair he’s right about getting a harder time because he’s male.

AgnesX · 25/10/2023 14:55

Not because you're a bloke but because you're going to take whatever is said here and use it to nag at her.

If your child isn't going school for another couple of years she already has a job. She, presumably, is capable of looking at fields she could work in herself. She can look at any job site and take it from there. This time could be used to brush up or learn new skills.

On a final note...when she goes back to work I hope you're going to pull your weight within the household.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:57

Strictly1 · 25/10/2023 14:55

to be fair he’s right about getting a harder time because he’s male.

Edited

He's right that self-fulfilling prophesies work, yes.

If I went on Reddit or one of the dreadful male sites and said, "you're all cunts, give me advice" I guarantee the responses would have been worse than here.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 25/10/2023 14:57

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2023 14:40

There's an interesting phenomenon I've noticed in DH's two twatty friends. They date very pretty women with no qualifications, not great jobs. The men want to sweep a woman off their feet, be the big dog in the relationship.

Then they marry and want the women to turn into Martha Stewart/Nigella Lawson clones who tend house and look decorative. Host the family, be in charge of all the social and family commitments. Their job isn't as important, right?

Then children and they want a Madonna figure who looks after the children through the shit bit where they're dependent and needy. The men do nothing and the SAHMs do everything. Their careers are important.

Then the children grow up a bit and are easier and the wife is supposed to transform into Steve Jobs overnight, make money, be effective. Still do the housework of course.

Then the wife fails to magically transform again and the bloke has an affair. Or takes up Iron Man or cycling.

The women have to change all the time, the men get to stay the same, or get worse.

Thank fuck I married DH.

I've seen this as well. Pretty depressing stuff.

I'm glad I married my DH as well.

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