Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Friday sat nights should be shared at least and his football commitments would seriously fuck me off. Has his life changed at all from having a baby l? How will he bond with the baby for when you are both back at work?

Something a bit more helpful: My first never slept, and I had a mantra of every hour before midnight counts as 2. Sometimes I was in bed at 8.30

If you are returning to work full time screw him resenting you, not talking about it and getting a fair split will leave you working, doing everything and him still working and doing football.

how do you see his commitments working once you do go back. He won’t even help when you are on your knees

Reading some of the responses on this thread is so very depressing. A woman feeling she's at breaking point comes to ask for advice, and people are telling her she should be grateful she has a man with a big important job looking after her, and that she should essentially shut up and put up. What the actual fuck is wrong with you people?!

@ftm03 you are not being unreasonable to expect or ask for help. It is not okay that you are expected to be available and do everything 24/7, whilst your husband gets to do 8, 10 or whatever hours at work and then switch off/do what he pleases for the rest of the week. His remark about making a mistake at work is laughable, I doubt being up for an hour tops once in the week is going to have much effect. Your tiredness however could actually lead to something bad happening to a tiny human being so I'd argue that's more important. You say he has his hobbies and interests; where is your time for the same? Do you get weekends to swan off and do whatever is you fancy? It doesn't sound like it. Definitely expect better OP ❤️

No man who's left his wife to do all night wakings whilst on maternity leave suddenly starts doing his share and of night waking's when his wife goes back to work.Ditto for the men who also leave their wives to do all the parenting/housework whilst on maternity leave.

I don't get how it's fair that the stay at home parent (almost always the mum, let's be real) has to take on 100% of the household duties when a baby is born. You're on maternity leave to care for a newborn baby, not to become the maid! What would he do if god forbid anything happened to you or if he was a single dad in the first place? He'd have to do some household stuff himself like laundry cooking and cleaning.

What did he used to do when you were working? Because that's what he should still be doing now.

And he can drop the bloody football "commitments", how is it fair that he gets to have free recreational time when you don't?

☝All of that

I agree tbh that's what mat leave is for. Its such a tiring time. You should be sleeping when the baby is. This phase will pass
Weekends he can do more or the parenting

Very first page and someone is framing Dad's parenting as 'help'. The first 6 months are not the time to be doing multiple activities outside of the home. He can get help running the football team.

If we take the baby out of the equation, and you have a couple who both work and have set up a rota of chores and it would normally be the woman's turn to cook the meal that night but she had had a shitty day at work, real pressure, train then late etc, got home and was at breaking point, wouldn't a loving partner step up and cook the meal that night. Now replace cooking meal with feeding baby.

Also if it is too hard and not fair for man to do night time waking as he is working, what happens when OP goes back to work? Does baby not get looked after at night?

His remark about making a mistake at work is laughable, I doubt being up for an hour tops once in the week is going to have much effect. Your tiredness however could actually lead to something bad happening to a tiny human being so I'd argue that's more important.

Exactly this - terrible accidents happen far more often than they should because of exhausted mothers. Missing an hour's kip when OP really needs it is the very least he could do.

Very similar set up in my house (DH has his own company with stressful job and I’m on mat leave with 6 month old DS) I tend to do all the nights because I breastfeed so not much he can do anyway but he will get up at 6am with the baby and I sleep in until 8am when he leaves for work. Those 2 hours make a massive difference and it also doesn’t make the day feel so bloody long! At the weekend we both have one morning to ourselves to do whatever we want (hobby, sleep, lie in bed and watch tv). However I know that if I’m ever having a bad night and at the end of my tether and I need to tap out at 4am he will absolutely take over with no argument. Parenting is a partnership.

@maddy68 if the baby is bottle fed, couldn't the DH go to bed early so he could get up in the night to feed the baby?

Is there a bit of an age gap between you? Just a guess from your username.

He needs to step it up on the days he’s not working and take turns in the evening. Unless he’s working in the evenings then bedtimes should be shared- otherwise they’re still on you when you go back to work as “she just won’t settle for me” .

the odd occasion when you’ve been up all night till the small hours with an unsettled/poorly baby and he’s had a solid 6 hours sleep already then I don’t see a problem with waking him up to take over so you can try to get a bit of sleep before he then leaves for work.

he needs to do his share of the housework too though- don’t be spending your evening after baby is in bed cleaning/ doing his ironing etc whilst he’s out playing football or in the pub or watching tv on the sofa. You deserve downtime too.

have a discussion when it’s not 4am though to resolve this situation. Maybe tell him you want to have a discussion about it tomorrow evening / at weekend and you aren’t coming at this to start an argument but to make sure you’re both on the same page going forward as the situation now isn’t working.

I think there are a few things you, both, need to address - and at a time where you aren't both extremely exhausted - so after your baby has gone to sleep tonight and you have both had food and discuss it calmly

What you are asking for is not unreasonable - you want a partner and to both parent not just you - however what does 'fair' look like to you? What do you want? (because some people genuinely want things to be 50/50 others want to be the main caregiver and vice versa

From the outside - if he has 2 evenings during the week where he goes to football then you should have 2 evenings to yourself to - in those evenings you can go out, do exercise, join a club, go see a friend, sit in a cafe with a coffee, have a long bath (heck sit in the car on the driveway watching youtube while connected to the wifi if you don't have a room you can go into and shut the door to get that time to yourself - I get the being touched out) - but he needs to know that if the dog/baby etc needs someone in 'your' time then it's on him

However staying up late while having broken sleep is not practical (if a one off then it's fine) so that part is on you unfortunately

You say about the weekend him running a children's football team and not wanting to give that up - what does that actually entail? What does he need to do to continue with that and what does he do because it's fun - because it may well be that he coaches 10-11, has to be there at 9.30 to set up, then once all the kids are collected and equipment away by 11.30 the coaches all go to the pub to 'discuss things' and he gets home at 6.30 after a lovely afternoon and then same again the next day - thats not on however if it's he's coaching 10-11 has slight time commitments either side but is out of the house between 9 and 12 then you can have the afternoon either together as a family or you get the afternoon to yourself it's more reasonable

@ftm03 I think you should be doing it during the week. But do you get a full nights sleep to yourself on the weekend? You should have at least one night a week where you can have a bit of evening and more sleep IMO. Friday/Saturday night?

But whatever amount of “his time” he gets, just for himself, you should get the same. And you can use it for whatever you like.

Absolutely ridiculous waking somebody up at 4 am who has work the next day

nah, it’s absolutely ridiculous to have a baby and then think you should never, ever have to do a single night feed just because you’re the big man with a penis and a job 🙄

PS i wasn’t berating you for staying up late, I also enjoy time when everyone else in the house is asleep, but I just meant it was perhaps not practical when baby is ill.

I do think humans need rest AND sleep though, as separate things, not just one or the other, so to that extent I agree.

I'm not commenting directly on the fairness of who does the night wakes, but could you perhaps try a compromise between having to stay up for an hour after DH goes to bed and going to bed at 7? e.g. go up to your bedroom/another room early, have an hour to yourself away from DH, and then go to sleep? So you would still sleep earlyish, to be ready for the night waking, but get some time to yourself. You could also e.g. go out for a walk or something for an hour/half an hour between baby's bedtime and going up yourself.

I just can't imagine thinking that my partner should only get one full night's sleep a week while I get 6.

Especially when they're doing the most important job of looking after my baby.

Would I be a bit disgruntled at being woken at 4am - of course, but it would then make me think bloody hell, my partner gets woken constantly every night, I'd better step the heck up!

Why does his sleep trump because : work but OPs sleep not important? Having had a non sleeper it impacts on your ability to function and also parent. You are irritable, unhappy and not having any kind of quality of life.

Maternity leave isn't for you to be 24 hr staff and partners should not demand their loved one be any such thing. Not for childcare, housework or anything else.

"His time, his exercise and his hobby"... OP I ask this genuinely and would like you to think about what your answer would be: when and what is your time, exercise and hobby?

I think he needs to share a bit. You could go to bed early and he could do the later feed. He needs to cut back on the football. If she wakes in the night I think it’s down to you if he has work. Once you’re back at work he needs to share.

I had this last night yes DH was knackered after a long day at work so I left baby with him and went to bed and he was grumbling but he’s a late shift today so he got a lie in when i got up after a decent nights sleep!

we’re only a month behind you in age and still trying to find our feet with the division of sleeplessness!

He can't get up in the night because he'll be too tired for work? What a load of nonsense. He's a dad and that means taking a share of the childcare when he's not at work. What does he do between finishing work and going to bed at 10pm? Does he do any childrcare or household chores? Just because you're on maternity leave doesn't mean he can do bugger all. I have been an insomniac for 20 years and I have still managed to work every day. He needs to understand what fatherhood means.