Who is BU about Christmas?

[NotSureWhatToDoChristmas]

DP and I have 2 children, a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old.

One of us has parents who live in another country and visit very sporadically (A). The other (B) has one parent who they are very close to and sees the children once every week or two.

That parent has visited us for Christmas every year for the last 4 years. Last year A wanted Christmas just us two but Bs grandparent had just died and so we invited that parent so they weren’t alone. A wants Christmas Day just us this year especially as it’s our baby’s first Christmas.

B doesn’t want that parent to be alone at home and says they wouldn’t enjoy Christmas without them knowing they are at home alone and still grieving too, A thinks as it’s DC2s first Christmas they’d like it just us four and that Bs parent can visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but them being alone isn’t our problem.

Who is unreasonable here/what would you do?

Agree with others. A is very unreasonable.

Why doesn’t A like your dad? From what you say he’s been a decent dad to you and gives his time and energy to support you and the grandchildren?

I personally couldn’t be married to someone who was so desperate to have some weird ‘just the four of us’ moment on a day like Xmas day when that meant leaving my elderly dad to be alone all day. I actually couldn’t love someone that cruel. You have a hundred other days to be a foursome. The baby has no notion of a first Xmas. It could however be your dad’s last and I could not live with myself or forgive my DH if my dad’s last Xmas had been a sad and lonely one.

what a selfish strange world we live in.

I feel really teary that your dad might be all alone.

I could understand A not wanting his FIL staying 23-28 Dec but it’s just a few hours, and a widowed man who does a lot for A’s family the rest of the year.

I’ve got a relative coming for Christmas who I don’t particularly like, but they won’t stay that long and I don’t dislike them enough to let them spend it alone especially as they are 91.

My dad is in his 50s so not elderly and I’m hoping it’s not his last Christmas! Even so I don’t want him to be alone.

DH and my dad just don’t get on and never have. DH is very awkward and doesn’t do small talk/socialising.

I’ve asked DH for specifics this evening about why he doesn’t like my Dad and DH says that it’s because my Dad is religious and talks about it a lot especially to our toddler and DH doesn’t agree with it. The way my dad is with our children irritates DH, he tries to take over parenting them, undermines us and talks over us when we are trying to parent our DC so that they listen to him instead and there are things he does such as singing loudly in public when we’re out together, putting me down a lot, talking about others behind their backs, making comments about my parenting, correcting us a lot. This is what DH says.

And yet A doesn’t seem to have any problem with the below

yes Bs parent does a lot for the family, childcare, very generous with presents and days out and helps financially etc

Christmas is a time for family and generosity of spirit. Just hosting lunch isn’t much at all.

A seems to be all take and not very pleasant with it.

Hold on, just seen your last post OP.
DH says a lot of negative things about your DF. What do you say? If it’s all true, why do you let him help with childcare? Something’s a bit off here.

I agree I think a few hours for a meal and to watch DC open presents in return for a year of lots of help financially, helping out when DC2 was born this year, always being there for more etc is not much to ask

A is unreasonable. Dfil died a few years ago. Dbil doesn't do Xmas. Dmil comes to us because she is not spending it alone. She's a good mom, she's a good nan, she's a good mil. She deserves more than to be excluded from our "perfect little family". And I wouldn't blame DH for being very upset if I suggested otherwise

Well no because people will assume anyway
That no one is that brass necked enough to post saying "I really want Mil to be alone at Xmas" so it'll be B and it's mostly women on here so B is a woman. Rightly or wrongly people will have their own ideas and respond accordingly.

Is it true tho?

Oh but he's happy to take his money and his help with childcare tho eh?

them being alone isn’t our problem

That’s incredibly nasty.

A is BVU and if I was B I’d be questioning why I was married to them.

You are forgetting the meaning of Christmas. Stop being so precious! It's time for family, togetherness etc. I wouldn't leave a stranger alone at Christmas, let alone a family member (unless they are toxic etc)

he way my dad is with our children irritates DH, he tries to take over parenting them, undermines us and talks over us when we are trying to parent our DC so that they listen to him instead and there are things he does such as singing loudly in public when we’re out together, putting me down a lot, talking about others behind their backs, making comments about my parenting, correcting us a lot. This is what DH says.

Is he right? Because having been on your side so far, if DH is right then I see his point. Maybe he doesn't like to see his wife being put down or having her (and his) parenting criticised, maybe he doesn't like being talked over or to hear other people being bad mouthed.

This is so awful to read.

My mum is a widow and my DH actively includes her in all events. In fact he is the one who tells me I need to include more.

When we go to my in laws for Christmas, weddings etc, they have always invited my mum, without any input from me or DH.

Initially I thought A was being unreasonable and cruel but the more you post @NotSureWhatToDoChristmas the more I think your partner has a point.

Your Dad is healthy and not old. You seem to be saying you will never have a Christmas with just your husband and child/ren. Your Dad must always be invited unless you’re out of the country. I think that’s unfair.

We alternate: partner’s family, my family, just us. (Although one year we did both sets of parents.) I think you need to listen to your partner and tell your Dad you’re “doing Christmas” on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day this year and invite him for that.

he way my dad is with our children irritates DH, he tries to take over parenting them, undermines us and talks over us when we are trying to parent our DC so that they listen to him instead and there are things he does such as singing loudly in public when we’re out together, putting me down a lot, talking about others behind their backs, making comments about my parenting, correcting us a lot.

Based on this I am in agreement with A. Your dad is in his 50s. Imagine having to spend 20+ more Christmasses with someone who doesn't respect you. I wouldn't want to do it either.

Is your DH happy to take the help your dad offers?

If those criticisms are true then your Dad isn’t all sunshine and roses but I still think Xmas day seems a hard time to suddenly take a stand against his involvement in your lives.

Allowing him to help you all financially and practically for the rest of the year because it suits you but then saying actually we don’t like your behaviour so you can’t come over on Xmas day feels wrong.

If you agree with your DH about his points then you need to speak to your dad about how he speaks to and about you straight away and see what his reaction is and if he is willing to accept some of his comments and attitudes aren’t acceptable.

Given your update that he’s in his 50s, fit and healthy, then no! I’ve spent a couple of Christmases alone due to circumstance (Covid being one) and it’s really not a big deal.

If even 50% of that is true about how your Dad acts I wouldn't want him there for Christmas. Have you told him his behaviour isn't acceptable?

Massive drip feed there.

Is any of that true, does your DH have a point? Because your dad sounds pretty bad tbh if it is true.

I could never leave a bereaved parent alone at Christmas. If my partner insisted, I'd spend a few hours in the morning with my partner, then bung the kids in the car and depart for my parent's house.

Yeah I can't imagine a more dull Christmas tbh than one on my own with the kids, all the stress of making Christmas nice but no visitors or anything to break up the day.

My family (as in Dh, the kids and me) always have a family day on Xmas eve, we bake, go for a walk, watch a film, special dinner etc. It kind of feels like a "family Christmas" without presents.

It sounds like your dad isn't there for long anyway but could you maybe suggest to your husband doing some kind of special nuclear family Xmas eve so he feels like there's a separate family day or something?

Also I have my suspicions but I will still ask, does Dh do all the Christmas stuff like cooking, decorating etc to make it a special day or is it expected that you'll do it? If the latter I'd maybe be inclined to bring up that as you're the one making it Christmas you will be inviting who you like and he can organise the guest list when he does all the work.

Don't we all want a quiet Xmas at home on our own when our children are young instead of hosting others or travelling for miles in the car to visit relatives? However, if that means a relative being completely alone, it would be selfish to pursue that dream. I would aim for a compromise if at all possible and see if they could come for lunch/stay over Xmas night, but you spend Xmas eve and Xmas morning with the kids.