Who is BU about Christmas?

[NotSureWhatToDoChristmas]

DP and I have 2 children, a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old.

One of us has parents who live in another country and visit very sporadically (A). The other (B) has one parent who they are very close to and sees the children once every week or two.

That parent has visited us for Christmas every year for the last 4 years. Last year A wanted Christmas just us two but Bs grandparent had just died and so we invited that parent so they weren’t alone. A wants Christmas Day just us this year especially as it’s our baby’s first Christmas.

B doesn’t want that parent to be alone at home and says they wouldn’t enjoy Christmas without them knowing they are at home alone and still grieving too, A thinks as it’s DC2s first Christmas they’d like it just us four and that Bs parent can visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but them being alone isn’t our problem.

Who is unreasonable here/what would you do?

What is a opinion of b parents ? do they like them ? or is it a case where b parents there the whole time ? what is a saying when you have a proper conversation with them?

My MIL is alone and BIL lives a long way away. We always factor MIL into our plans, usually she just joins us for lunch (even at my grandparents' house, everyone knows each other!) We all get on well, so if your DH and Mum don't then it's tricker, but leaving a close relative alone at Christmas is awful (assuming they don't want to be, of course!)

Your husband is being a massive dick. That’s all I have to say.

I don't think A is being totally unreasonable. It's ok not to want to spend time with your in-laws. I'm not massively fond of mine but DH and I have an agreement that we host MIL every other Christmas.

I understand that you don't want to leave your DM alone but it's not your responsibility to make sure she is hosted every Christmas.

I can't keep up with A/B etc but i couldn't leave a close relative by themself on Christmas Day. If they have nowhere else to go it is just cruel to leave them out.

I can see A's point because they have had very few Christmas Days in the way they like.

I can see B's point of view too and that A may be fed up of having to compromise when B's sibling never does

How does B's parent present their differing views? Are the views offensive to others?

I think A shouldn't be happy to have support all year and then not pay a little back by hosting Christmas Day.

So DL is happy to accept free childcare and gifts from this person all year but wants xmas his own way? Fuck DP. Christmas is about family.

He’s being horrible.

If I were you I would leave him at home and take the kids to my Mums. See how he likes being alone.

This. Completely agree

Honestly i would be re thinking the marriage and taking my children to be with their grandparent for christmas. His comments are heartless, and for a grandparent who helps and is very involved in your lives, how can he think about leaving them on their own for christmas. This whole 'just us 4' thing is ridiculous in my eyes

Your DH is an arse. I have a parent on their own. No way would I not see them on Xmas day. Fortunately DH's parents and my parent all come to us around 11am and stay until 4/5pm. DH would never say parent couldn't come because he knows what I'd say.

Tell A to spend Xmas by themselves (as it’s no big deal for them) and B and Baby can spend Xmas with the grandparent

I'm in a similar position. I'm an only child, no father in the picture. DH just knows she will be a factor in Christmas/ Easter etc

Whilst I think sometimes it would be nice to just have our little family I could never do that and I wouldn't want to. My mam comes up for a few days as she lives 3 hours away.

My perfect Christmas is staying home just us. However, I would never ever leave any of our parents spending the day alone. It would feel so wrong to me! I'm not a social person really but its one bloody day!

Your partner is being a dick.

I think it's enough to have a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas morning as a family and then other people join for lunch and/or dinner.
It breaks up the day a bit and adds a little excitement for the kids.
Plus is makes is more special over time, you can add little traditions to it as you go.
A is only thinking of his own preference and enjoyment. He's not taking into account what his wife, PIL, and children who are close to this person that he wants to exclude would like.

You're obviously B in this, and your DH is being very unreasonable; Christmas is a time for families, immediate and extended.

I couldn't understand a partner who'd be happy for my parent to sit alone on Christmas Day just so they got their perfect set-up. Very strange.

I have not read down to see who is who.

But we are a large rural farming family and NOBODY should be alone on Christmas Day unless they choose to be. The door is open. We have everyone from family, friends, lost tourists, foreign students who are alone and have a tenuous link to family, anyone elderly in the community who is spending the day alone.

I would try and compromise by having the morning as just us, then inviting parent over for lunch. I see both sides.

This is what I want to do. Then we still have present opening, morning in pyjamas, breakfast etc alone then he can coke for a couple of hours and we’d still have the evening alone.

DS1 will be happy with his toys but too young to really get Christmas and DD will have no idea what’s going on, if it’s just us it’s no different to any other day really and for me Christmas is about family

@NotSureWhatToDoChristmas

Christmas/any celebrations are always a minefield if you're not on the same page with your partner.

I completely understand that you're protective of your remaining parent but....doesn't your loyalty lie with your partner first, especially going forward, in harmony, together?

This is the person that you've chosen to spend your life and make a family with therefore, surely, compromises need to be made?

It seems that your parent is being wise, they've sought reassurance that their presence is acceptable this year.

From what you've said, A, would prefer just their parent this year? Not unreasonable surely?

I've always tried to think of Christmas as on a continuum (wrt visiting/hosting) and not as specific days per se.

If all parties have equal time with "their" families it's not unreasonable to think everyone "should" be content and adult about this arrangement? 🌻

B cooks lunch at their parent's house and tells A to come or not as they please.

A is a selfish arsehole.
We have suffered a bereavement this year and the idea of leaving my mum alone at Christmas 'just because someone wants Christmas 'just us' makes me feel sick.

Unless there is a massive drip feed.

Have 'your day' another day.

I'd show this thread to your partner. No way could I leave by grieving mother on her own on Xmas day just because but then my husband would never ever suggest it.

and please take the children.