Who is BU about Christmas?

[NotSureWhatToDoChristmas]

DP and I have 2 children, a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old.

One of us has parents who live in another country and visit very sporadically (A). The other (B) has one parent who they are very close to and sees the children once every week or two.

That parent has visited us for Christmas every year for the last 4 years. Last year A wanted Christmas just us two but Bs grandparent had just died and so we invited that parent so they weren’t alone. A wants Christmas Day just us this year especially as it’s our baby’s first Christmas.

B doesn’t want that parent to be alone at home and says they wouldn’t enjoy Christmas without them knowing they are at home alone and still grieving too, A thinks as it’s DC2s first Christmas they’d like it just us four and that Bs parent can visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but them being alone isn’t our problem.

Who is unreasonable here/what would you do?

If my partner suggested leaving my widowed mum alone on Christmas Day I'm not sure what I would say to him. I do know I would be questioning whether he was the man I thought he was when I fell in love with him.

Yep this. 🌹

Why does A think their wishes should override B? I don’t get the whole ‘just us’ on Christmas day as I assume there are many days through the year that are ‘just us’ and couldn’t leave someone alone on Christmas Day. We have an open door policy on Christmas with a ‘more the merrier’ attitude. Thankfully DH and I are on the same page for this. ATM we have 10 - 15 coming and we only have one single DS. I wouldn’t dream of leaving my mum alone at Christmas. A should have as much say as B

Can't you host Christmas and invite A and B?

No-one should be alone at Christmas. Can't you invite them all?

A is being very unreasonable IMO

I couldn't do that to my MIL or my mother

A is unreasonable. Baby's first Christmas? Baby won't understand or remember any of it!

If DH would willingly leave my widowed mother alone on Christmas that would completely change how I feel about him.

Just been reading the updates

I actually feel like you should take the kids to your parents house and leave him at Christmas.

Correct me if I'm wrong but you're the woman and A is the man right?

That's how it reads to me. I honestly can't believe the audacity of a man whose just seen his wife give birth to their second baby and he thinks he has the right to dictate if your mum/dad comes for Christmas 🚩

This all day long

I wouldn't want to be with someone like this

I actually think it shows an enormous lack of respect for women

I’m with A on this. It isn’t your problem if they’re alone. Spending every Christmas with someone they clash with and don’t like is a lot. Can’t it be every other year? If your parent is a reasonable person they must understand sometimes you want to do your own thing.

your DH is being incredibly nasty and cruel. I could maybe see their argument if your mum wanted to stay over from christmas eve to boxing day but for the sake of 2-3 hours!

Surely the whole idea of Christmas spirit is around goodwill to others, etc. Not playing perfect nuclear families while granny eats a microwave meal on her own, ffs.

What did he say when you asked what he'd think if your DC did that to him/you in the future?

Do you not think it’s unkind to leave my dad alone at home on Christmas Day though with nowhere else to go? I’d just feel awful. It’s only 2 hours out of the whole Christmas period I really don’t think it’s a lot to ask to make sure he doesn’t feel lonely and left out.

Oof. A is a piece of work.

I'm probably A in our Christmas conversations and now I feel a bit bad! But FIL lives further away so always stays 2 nights minimum, and there is another brother who could host - I don't want it to always fall to us.

It's also my Christmas and I'm not comfortable when he's around - he's not a bad person but I do find him very frustrating and irritating. Last Christmas was our first Christmas with our second daughter - she was 2 months old so we were also sleep deprived and worn out, adding father in law into the mix made it relentless and totally unenjoyable.

I'm putting my foot down this year and saying no, it can be the brothers turn to step up as I would like to actually enjoy Christmas. And if he doesn't we will see him on Boxing Day regardless. I'm sure I'm terrible.

A is very unreasonable and sounds nasty.
If I was B this behaviour would put me off of A.

We use to alternate one year we invite my parents, next in-laws. My mum died a few years ago and we have had my dad every year since. We go visit in-laws Boxing Day. I'd stand my ground and if he refuses to budge I'd take kids to visit your dad instead.

I think it would be different if we were alternating and seeing different family members instead, I’m sure my Dad would understand that but we don’t see DPs parents until New Year’s Eve and we have no other family to see so it feels like it’s excluding him for the sake of it just because he doesn’t like him really..

@NotSureWhatToDoChristmas yes that's exactly what it is.

so much easier to have an extra pair of hands with a baby! The one that doesn’t want them there should lighten up and put on their big boy/girl pants

Neither of you are unreasonable, but if it's only a couple of hours you're still getting your 'family Christmas'.

Not to mention - we did that when our babies were small. Made a big deal of having a 'just us' day. I was SO boring. It was just the same as any other day with a baby, but with the pressure of making a really good dinner and not being able to have a drink.

For that reason alone I would reconsider!

B doesn’t want that parent to be alone at home and says they wouldn’t enjoy Christmas without them knowing they are at home alone and still grieving too, A thinks as it’s DC2s first Christmas they’d like it just us four and that Bs parent can visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but them being alone isn’t our problem.

A is a very heartless and unkind person. If I were B I would go to Person B's Parents house and spend the day with them - and leave A and the kids to Stew on their own.

Is it worth addressing why your DH doesn't like your DF? Forcing them to be together doesn't seem to be a way of resolving this and only kicks the problem down the road.

A is being unreasonable and very unkind.