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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the most stupid advice anyone's ever given in the history of giving advice

108 replies

IncompleteSenten · 24/10/2023 15:41

Or am I being a twat?

Yanbu - wtf kind of dumb advice is that?

Yabu - it's good advice, get off your arse and try it.

To think this is the most stupid advice anyone's ever given in the history of giving advice
OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 24/10/2023 15:43

Did you send the message in green? If so I'm really sorry you're feeling this way - please do contact somewhere like the Samaritans who have people trained to listen in circumstances like this

reallypuzzledoverthis · 24/10/2023 15:43

And in one sentence, anxiety and/or depression was cured the whole world over! who knew!

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 24/10/2023 15:44

I did yes, I'll be ok I'm just having a bad time right now. The advice giver is my husband and I'm trying to not be a twat to him about it.

OP posts:
Tempnamechng · 24/10/2023 15:44

I think you are asking the wrong person for advice. They obviously aren't a professional, and don't really know what to suggest or say or have run out of ideas on what to say. I feel sorry for both of you in this situation.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 24/10/2023 15:45

Yeah that's pretty shit.

Is it you that's feeling so terrible? I'm really sorry if so 💐

Could you find some place private to properly talk to him? The stairs advice is the shittest advice ever but maybe he's limited in what he can actually suggest if you won't talk to him xxxxx

TotalOverhaul · 24/10/2023 15:46

It's weird advice but I think it might be well intentioned. It's very easy to do, and when you feel really depressed a lot of 'good' advice is overwhelming. It puts you back into the body instead of the mind, gets the heart and lungs working, might release a bit of dopamine from the exercise, which can help and might also deflect the brain away from its 'I'm so low' loop-thinking. It's the kind of thing I used to do when I was almost comatose with depression - I was never given this actual advice, but similar tiny actions were suggested, and they helped more than you might imagine.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 24/10/2023 15:47

If he’d stopped at the first sentence it would be fine. Men like to fix things instead of simply listening, and as he couldn’t fix your problems – who could! I think you need professional help and I hope you have the money to access it 💐– he’s reached into a random grab bag of peculiar shit to suggest.

If he’s usually good, and you care for each other, and you’ve got any sense of humour left, I would hold onto his idea and deploy it any time he asks something. “OP, have you seen my keys?” “Try going up and down the stairs a few times.”

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 24/10/2023 15:47

Tempnamechng · 24/10/2023 15:44

I think you are asking the wrong person for advice. They obviously aren't a professional, and don't really know what to suggest or say or have run out of ideas on what to say. I feel sorry for both of you in this situation.

Edited

The funny thing is that he worked for social services for many years in adult mental health.

im being unreasonable. I'm just struggling right now.

I'll pull myself together in the end. I've been here before. I just got that reply and thought stairs? Are you bonkers?

OP posts:
romdowa · 24/10/2023 15:48

That's the most ridiculous advice ever, it would be laughable if the situation wasn't so serious. I understand he's not a trained professional but surely he could have formulated a more empathetic reply than that. I'm so sorry op. 😞

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 24/10/2023 15:49

@spitefulandbadgrammar ha! That made me smile.

@TotalOverhaul good point I hadn't really thought of it like that.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 24/10/2023 15:50

That advice is so ridiculous the only possible thing I can think of to justify it is if he was trying to make you laugh by saying something so ridiculous but that's a bit of a stretch.

I'm hoping that it might have at least distracted you a bit from how you were feeling. Hope you feel better soon.

Sparkletastic · 24/10/2023 15:50

Is he definitely replying to your last message and not a previous one saying you've got stiff knee joints? <grasps at straws to try and make it make sense>

Whadda · 24/10/2023 15:51

I think a lot of people in crisis mistakenly believe that those around them know all the answers, when often they’re as helpless and at as much of a loss as the person they’re trying to support.

His message doesn’t sound like there’s bad intent. is he generally kind and supportive?

I’ve been on the receiving end of messages like those and it’s not like you can magic up the right words to say to someone, especially in a marriage where you’re likely to be impacted by what’s going on too.

Supporting a spouse through a mental health crisis is exhausting- he doesn’t have all the answers and may not be capable of thinking entirely rationally right now.

ToWonderWhyIBother · 24/10/2023 15:51

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but your husband went to the same school my husband did as his advice would be to "gie your heid a bang", I know its so wrong of me but I did have a little chuckle at his advice.

I have no idea what you are going through at this time, but I will offer to listen should you want to write it down and send in a message, I have been to hell and back more than once and even If I can't offer any advice on your situation just offloading sometimes helps.

bathrobeandpie · 24/10/2023 15:52

it's an alternative of the go walk outside to get fresh air

It's not meant nastily, especially after you said you cannot talk to anyone at that moment because of the children around

Another way to look at it: you thought that was so bonkers, gave you a little bit of energy back, so somehow it worked

Pccleaner · 24/10/2023 15:53

You know when you press the middle button on your phone? This is what this seems like.

eg finish the sentence - I want using the middle button.

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 24/10/2023 15:54

Oh yes he is lovely and supportive and very caring.

I know I'm being unfair. I just feel so alone and empty and it's so hard pretending I don't feel this way in RL all the time and putting on fake smiles and pretending everything is fine when really what I want is to close my eyes and never open them again.

OP posts:
saveforthat · 24/10/2023 15:56

See I don't think it's that bad. Because exercise, whilst not a miracle cure, really does help and if you can't leave the children or get them ready with you to go for a walk, why not the stairs?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 24/10/2023 15:56

Whadda · 24/10/2023 15:51

I think a lot of people in crisis mistakenly believe that those around them know all the answers, when often they’re as helpless and at as much of a loss as the person they’re trying to support.

His message doesn’t sound like there’s bad intent. is he generally kind and supportive?

I’ve been on the receiving end of messages like those and it’s not like you can magic up the right words to say to someone, especially in a marriage where you’re likely to be impacted by what’s going on too.

Supporting a spouse through a mental health crisis is exhausting- he doesn’t have all the answers and may not be capable of thinking entirely rationally right now.

I agree with this, is he maybe at the stage where he doesn't know what to do and has said the first thing that's popped into his head?
Have you got other professional support?

RubyBoozeDay · 24/10/2023 15:58

It sounds like he is suggesting a practical way of distracting yourself from your suicidal ideation. It doesn't sound hugely empathic but it's coming from a caring place.

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 24/10/2023 16:01

I'm reluctant because last time the crisis team got involved and they were so overwhelming and I thought they would force me into hospital (I've been placed in a mental health unit in the past, but not for many years) and it took ages to shake them off. I still have a nurse from the GP who comes to see me every month and I don't want to start all that up again.

I am unreasonable in this, he is very supportive and this is my fault not his. It was unfair of me to think it was stupid.

OP posts:
Schlurp · 24/10/2023 16:01

It's actually something my son's been recommended by his OT, for when he is feeling disregulated and distressed. We even remind him of it when he feels like that.

Terrible reply to your previous message though. Talk to him about it, or it'll eat you up.

AlizeeEasy · 24/10/2023 16:02

Always assume best intentions….but Jesus Christ. I have a friend with suicidal ideation, I would never say something like that to her. We both know I cannot ‘fix’ things, all I can do is be an open ear and open heart to her. I think your partner may have been in ‘find solution’ mode, which there isn’t an immediate solution to what you are going through.

I really hope you are ok and can find a positive way through this, there are a lot of sources you can try, Samaritans are great and if you can’t talk on the phone you can email or text them.

All2Well · 24/10/2023 16:03

WTAF?! That is horrendous!!!

Do you have any real help with this? I.e a nurse practitioner or therapist? I'm so sorry you feel this way (I've been there). My family weren't much support either but not as bad as your husband...but as awful as it was, I had to understand they weren't equipped to deal with my emotions and couldn't give me what I needed but professional help was a lifeline. Do you have IAPT in your area that you can self refer to if you aren't already being seen? Or do you have any women's or other free mental charities in your town that you can access? The Samaritans were a bit of a lifeline for me while I was waiting for help but when I was as low as you, I called the GP and was honest about the thoughts of harming myself and they got me in to see a Nurse Practitioner within a couple of hours. She was amazing and between medication and talking therapy things improved fairly quickly. I hope you can get similar support. Please keep talking about it, with people who really can support you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

IsleofDen · 24/10/2023 16:03

It’s really, really not bad advice. It might not work for you, but it’s one of the techniques I use, along with putting on music and dancing in the kitchen when I cannot face leaving the house.

Depression sucks the life out of you and sometimes a short period of exertion and the resulting endorphins can get you through to bedtime.

Take care of yourself.