To think that men (and women) should be careful with their interactions with children?

[Kala24]

I always just thought it was common sense that if you don't know a child, don't do anything that could seem weird! But maybe it's just my cynical mind?

Just got back from holiday with my boyfriend and another couple. On one of the days there was a girl in the pool playing on her own. She was throwing something to the other end of the pool and then swimming over to get it. She was about 6. The man from the other couple we were with got in the pool and started playing with her.. she wasn't English so they didn't speak to each other, he just took it upon himself to join in with her game. As she threw whatever it was she was throwing, he would swim over and reach it before her and then start laughing. He did this over and over for ages. It annoyed me because I just thought.. leave her alone? This young girl doesn't know you and is just happily playing by herself I doubt she wants some random 40 year old man coming over to her spoiling her game!

At one point her parents came over and also got into the pool so part of me is wondering if they also found it odd and wanted to keep their eye on her.

I don't know why he would do this. I'm not accusing him of anything at all, I genuinely think he was just trying to be friendly and make her laugh. But it can look creepy because unfortunately we do live in a world where there's sick people around and even I, as a woman wouldn't randomly start playing with a little girl I don't know, without asking her. It's weird!

Is it just me? When I was a kid my mum always told me not to talk to strangers and I would've felt scared if this happened to me as a kid. Although I appreciate not all kids are the same. I know that lots of people might say not everything is so negative and wrong, and he was just being friendly and nice and it's sad that people can't do something so innocent without it being misconstrued or seen as dodgy. But kids and parents have no way of knowing which people are just being nice and friendly and which have more sinister motives, so I would just never do this and would always be overly cautious. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't do it as a man. Is this not just common knowledge? I'm shocked that he didn't think it was inappropriate. I asked my boyfriend and he didn't see anything wrong with it although said he'd never do it himself.

Is this just me being OTT?

@CornishGem1975

Are you a man and were you a complete and utter stranger to everyone at the party? If you are a woman and were known to at least some of the other guests you would not be viewed as a paedophile. The OP said this man was a complete stranger to a random child in a hotel swimming pool. There was no party going on or any specific reason to engage with her. The child did not invite him to play, she wasn't even near him, and she didn't speak English. Your situation was totally different and your point is rather silly.

@ginasevern I am a woman (women paedophiles exist), and actually, yes, I WAS a complete stranger at the party. I didn't know anybody else in the room apart from my own child, who disappeared as soon as we got there. So no, my point is silly, and you don't actually know what my situation was as you weren't there.

Then, with kindness, could you try not thinking like this?

It’s a sad world we live in where playing with a child (in full view of her parents and a pool full of people) makes you suspicious.

There was a European survey a while ago, of a man dressed in football kit, with a bunch of little girls, also in kit, all cheering. He was obviously a coach, and most people asked (French and Germans) said he’s a coach / a teacher / a Dad - in the UK the answer was much more likely to be he’s a pervert.

I agree with you this POV is not unusual in the UK these days, but it is not normal. Of course it’s important to be aware, but a person who starts playing with a child in full public view is not suspicious.

It’s not silly at all, the PP is exploring the contexts in which we might be suspicious and those in which we wouldn’t.

Your comment that she ‘would not be viewed as a paedophile’ is telling though, in that I think you are saying that anyone who is male who interacted in a public place with a child he didn’t know, would be viewed as a paedophile. I don’t think you are alone in this in the UK, but I don’t think it’s a healthy view. It’s possible to be vigilant without breaking down all community interaction.

@CornishGem1975

No, I don't know your situation. I do however know that female paedophiles exist although in vanishingly small numbers compared to males. The stats don't lie and neither do criminal records. However, to get back to the point. You are a woman and a mother who arrived at the party with her own child, no? Your child was invited to this party and so although you didn't know the other parents, you had a specific reason to be there. Although you didn't technically know the other mums, you would have been identifiable as "Jane's mum", right? You You were not a random stranger who just strolled in off the street and spent the rest of the afternoon talking to a little girl? Because if that was the case (paedophile or not) I would hope that someone might have asked you what you were doing there and who you were.

@Kala24 i think your past experiences have everything to do with this post and why you’ve been so ott about this

@theduchessofspork

There's nothing telling about my words, it is genuinely how I and many others think. A random lone man would make me wonder why he was showing such an interest in my child and I would keep a close eye on the situation. Does that make me paranoid or anti social? My reply to @CornishGem1975 related specifically to her comments rather than a generalisation on my part. She and her child were invited to a birthday party. During the party a little girl (unknown to Cornish, but a guest at the party with her parents) approached her and they spent some time engaging with one another. So no, I would not view Cornish as a potential paedophile under those circumstances. However, had a completely strange man wandered in off the street and started talking to one of the kids, alarm bells would ring!

Paedophiles and groomers push their way into situations.

So in the pool scenario, a normal man who wanted to swim would get in the pool and start swimming. He might smile at the girl, or acknowledge her, just to be polite (as he would with anyone he might pass in the pool). He wouldn't join in her game, and he probably wouldn't swim near her to avoid being hit with what she was throwing or crashing into her. Other than that initial smile, they would have no other interaction, no do they need to. He wanted to swim, not play with a kid he doesn't know.

Dubious men push themselves forward. So in the pool example, he would say hello, try and start a conversation (where are you from, who are you here with, didn't they want to swim with you?). He'd swim too close, interrupt her game, encroach on the bit of the pool she was playing in, maybe even stopping her game by taking up too much space. He'd try and keep her attention. He'd probably stop swimming, or he might get her to start swimming with him. Either way, she would have stopped doing her thing, and started doing his.

There's a big difference when you know what to look for.

@Kala24 I think it’s creepy, why would a middle aged man want to play with a 6 year old girl he doesn’t know and can’t even talk to? What’s in it for him?

My nieces would be confused, uncomfortable and embarrassed, and not know what to do in that situation. They would look for their adult to tell him to go away, they would worry about getting told off for being rude if they walked off from or told an adult to go away.

All sounds quite normal. 🙄

Actually children, especially girls, want to please.