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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that men (and women) should be careful with their interactions with children?

111 replies

Kala24 · 24/10/2023 09:53

I always just thought it was common sense that if you don't know a child, don't do anything that could seem weird! But maybe it's just my cynical mind?

Just got back from holiday with my boyfriend and another couple. On one of the days there was a girl in the pool playing on her own. She was throwing something to the other end of the pool and then swimming over to get it. She was about 6. The man from the other couple we were with got in the pool and started playing with her.. she wasn't English so they didn't speak to each other, he just took it upon himself to join in with her game. As she threw whatever it was she was throwing, he would swim over and reach it before her and then start laughing. He did this over and over for ages. It annoyed me because I just thought.. leave her alone? This young girl doesn't know you and is just happily playing by herself I doubt she wants some random 40 year old man coming over to her spoiling her game!

At one point her parents came over and also got into the pool so part of me is wondering if they also found it odd and wanted to keep their eye on her.

I don't know why he would do this. I'm not accusing him of anything at all, I genuinely think he was just trying to be friendly and make her laugh. But it can look creepy because unfortunately we do live in a world where there's sick people around and even I, as a woman wouldn't randomly start playing with a little girl I don't know, without asking her. It's weird!

Is it just me? When I was a kid my mum always told me not to talk to strangers and I would've felt scared if this happened to me as a kid. Although I appreciate not all kids are the same. I know that lots of people might say not everything is so negative and wrong, and he was just being friendly and nice and it's sad that people can't do something so innocent without it being misconstrued or seen as dodgy. But kids and parents have no way of knowing which people are just being nice and friendly and which have more sinister motives, so I would just never do this and would always be overly cautious. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't do it as a man. Is this not just common knowledge? I'm shocked that he didn't think it was inappropriate. I asked my boyfriend and he didn't see anything wrong with it although said he'd never do it himself.

Is this just me being OTT?

OP posts:
35965a · 24/10/2023 10:30

I agree with you. We shouldn’t be encouraging children to interact with random adults and the man playing a game with her is doing that, he’s showing her ‘it’s ok to play a game with a random man you don’t know’ which is wrong. Even if he had no bad intentions himself it’s not a good lesson. Luckily it seems her parents intervened in some way in the end.

TooBusyLiving · 24/10/2023 10:30

My DH is the type that if he was in the pool playing with nieces/nephews, all the kids in the place would end up joined in by the end, of their own accord. I would be sitting in peace away from all the children 😂There would be nothing untoward about it and he'd be careful to ensure there was no touching that could be misconstrued etc, he'd probably ask the parents if it was ok for them to play, he's very conscious of appropriate behaviour.

So, nothing like the situation OP described then. 😂

poetryandwine · 24/10/2023 10:30

OP,

Your concern is admirable but I don’t see this as an issue of requiring a little girl to safeguard herself. She was in a pool. While I am surprised no parent was in with her, that makes me assume (or hope) she was in the shallows and her parents were in the immediate vicinity, watching like hawks.

If this is true, how could she possibly come to harm playing with your friend? If she wanted to get away, surely her parents would pick up on that? Most young DC love a little bit of adult participation in their games. As long as her parents exercise proper care during their holiday, how could a man so inclined groom her?

ManateeFair · 24/10/2023 10:31

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 24/10/2023 10:21

Is this just me being OTT?

Yep. Other nations don't see paedo motives in every interaction with children, ime.

Yes, I've just come back from Sicily and was thinking how absolutely insane people there would think you were if you claimed it was creepy for an adult to be friendly to a child in full of their parents.

MinnieL · 24/10/2023 10:32

People are completely missing the point as usual. OP doesn’t think this man is weird around kids or that he’s a creep deep down. It raises the question as to why a grown man/woman would just randomly start playing with a young child who seemed more than happy to play by herself. Of course that can look weird.

It’d be different if the little girl came up to him and gave him the ball and he decided to play along. But why insert yourself in something that has nothing to do with you? Especially when you’re a man and the child is young

TruckDiver · 24/10/2023 10:33

I think this is a difficult thing to judge from a description on an internet forum because it has so much to do with judgment and sensitivity to people in the situation. They were in a hotel where they had access to the same pool so not quite like strangers on the street, but not like they knew each other either. You look at a little girl's face and momentarily, often subconsciously, work out whether she's sending "fuck off" vibes, "come and play with me" or something in between. You look at her parents and judge whether they're suspicious of you or not.

I don't think any of us are in a position to say whether your friend made those judgments accurately and/or wisely or not. On the face of it, I don't think there's anything wrong in principle with joining in with a child's game like that. You're in full view of anyone and could be seen if you did anything inappropriate.

LaDamaDeElche · 24/10/2023 10:35

Culturally people are different. I live in Spain and people interact more freely with kids they don't know than people do in the U.K. What may seem odd or inappropriate to one culture would be normal in another.

Coffeerum · 24/10/2023 10:36

@Mummy08m As for pp saying "if the girl wasn't happy she'd have walked off"... words fail me tbh. It should NEVER be a 6yo's responsibility to safeguard themselves

What did she need safe guarded from?
Someone interacting with her in a totally above board, non creepy manner, in front of her parents?

Seeline · 24/10/2023 10:36

I think it very weird that a lone man (or woman come to that) would go into the pool solely to play a game with an unknown child, uninvited, who had been playing quite happily on their own.

Very strange.

ActDottie · 24/10/2023 10:38

I get where you’re coming from but in this case others were around and the child was obviously enjoying it so I don’t think it’s creepy. Would’ve been more creepy if he then took the girl off to buy an ice cream or something.

girlfriend44 · 24/10/2023 10:41

You sound very boring and unfriendly. Should the world stop and should people never talk to children again then just because of a minority?
He sounds very fun and friendly and as it wasn't your child its nowt to do with you anyway.

TooBusyLiving · 24/10/2023 10:44

How many of us, as grown women, have done or said things when we were uncomfortable in order to “be nice”?

Exactly. Girls are conditioned to ‘be nice’ and ‘smile’ and ‘be polite’ by society.

I’ve taught my kids to speak up if they’re uncomfortable, but still have a daughter who struggles with being a people pleaser! She’d have hated a stranger doing what this man did, but would have struggled to just walk off at that age.

Adults with healthy boundaries just don’t stuff like this man did.

Dotjones · 24/10/2023 10:49

It was weird for the man to start interacting with a stranger's child, but it was also weird that the child's parents allowed it to get into a situation where a stranger could interact in that way.

Let's assume for the moment that the man wasn't a paedophile, by interacting with the girl he would dissuade other men in the vicinity who WERE paedophiles from taking advantage. But the parents are wrong to have allowed the child to be in a situation where one of the paedophiles nearby COULD have intervened.

poetryandwine · 24/10/2023 10:51

TooBusyLiving · 24/10/2023 10:44

How many of us, as grown women, have done or said things when we were uncomfortable in order to “be nice”?

Exactly. Girls are conditioned to ‘be nice’ and ‘smile’ and ‘be polite’ by society.

I’ve taught my kids to speak up if they’re uncomfortable, but still have a daughter who struggles with being a people pleaser! She’d have hated a stranger doing what this man did, but would have struggled to just walk off at that age.

Adults with healthy boundaries just don’t stuff like this man did.

Then, @TooBusyLiving , surely you as her parent watching her in the pool would have intervened? Any parent would. As no intervention was mentioned here, I am assuming that the child was enjoying herself.

dottypotter · 24/10/2023 11:01

She was probably enjoying herself, more fun to interact with someone than play on your own.

You have no proof the Parents got in to keep an eye either.

Why aren't you lay back in the sun relaxing anyway instead of concerning yourself with this?

Do people actually sit there and watch others and then think I know I'll go and puts this'll on Mumsnet?

Coffeerum · 24/10/2023 11:01

@Dotjones Let's assume for the moment that the man wasn't a paedophile, by interacting with the girl he would dissuade other men in the vicinity who WERE paedophiles from taking advantage. But the parents are wrong to have allowed the child to be in a situation where one of the paedophiles nearby COULD have intervened.

Honestly what on earth.

TooBusyLiving · 24/10/2023 11:01

Then, @TooBusyLiving , surely you as her parent watching her in the pool would have intervened? Any parent would. As no intervention was mentioned here, I am assuming that the child was enjoying herself.

Of course I would have. This girls parents did too by getting in the water. I’d have gone further and removed my child. They may have been cautious of it causing a scene, another thing we’re conditioned not to do. Looking like you’re enjoying yourself because you’ve been conditioned to smile and carry on, doesn’t mean you’re actually enjoying yourself.

Most people know why it’s not ok to do what this man did. That means that when someone does do it, parents are right to be suspicious. It doesn’t mean anyone doing this man did is definitely a creep, (although they’ve certainly got boundary issues) but it does mean that my child’s safety trumps me potentially upsetting a man with a lack of boundaries.

coveredindoghairs · 24/10/2023 11:02

It's good advice, particularly for men, to not get too involved with or pay too much attention to children they don't know. Intervene where safety is an immediate concern, be friendly if approached, but otherwise, don't display overt interest or try to actively engage with random kids.

Most men seem to grasp this of their own accord, or possibly they simply have no interest in playing with children they don't know. It's an overabundance of caution, but better that than invite trouble, imo.

theresnolimits · 24/10/2023 11:15

So you were able to watch him the whole time from your sunbed and didn’t see anything to worry about? As did the parents. And, presumably dozens of other people?

My DH is a restless soul and hates too long on a sunbed. Plus he loves a ball game. I don’t think he’d join in, but if a lone child was looking a bit aimless, he might! Sometimes I think men are all children at heart when it comes to ball games.

Honestly sounds like you don’t really like this guy. It’s a sad old world if we all veer away from kids ‘just in case someone thinks ..’. That’s why so many men won’t teach primary and won’t be cub/scout leaders.

And on the continent they have no issue with interacting with children and I don’t see they have a much higher incidence of abuse.

poetryandwine · 24/10/2023 11:22

TooBusyLiving · 24/10/2023 11:01

Then, @TooBusyLiving , surely you as her parent watching her in the pool would have intervened? Any parent would. As no intervention was mentioned here, I am assuming that the child was enjoying herself.

Of course I would have. This girls parents did too by getting in the water. I’d have gone further and removed my child. They may have been cautious of it causing a scene, another thing we’re conditioned not to do. Looking like you’re enjoying yourself because you’ve been conditioned to smile and carry on, doesn’t mean you’re actually enjoying yourself.

Most people know why it’s not ok to do what this man did. That means that when someone does do it, parents are right to be suspicious. It doesn’t mean anyone doing this man did is definitely a creep, (although they’ve certainly got boundary issues) but it does mean that my child’s safety trumps me potentially upsetting a man with a lack of boundaries.

I should have been more explicit, @TooBusyLiving I meant that I would remove a quietly distressed child and I think most people would.

Perhaps as PP have suggested this is ultimately about cultural differences as I too am foreign.

Bex5490 · 24/10/2023 11:23

It’s really sad that we live in fear so much that people can’t be naturally friendly to children.

If it was my daughter in the pool it would have bothered me that this man was playing with her even though chances are that his intentions were innocent.

I guess with the world we live in it’s better to be preventative than risk the worst case scenario…

UmbrellaEllaEh · 24/10/2023 11:26

It’s entirely possible that the man didn’t really want to play but was being polite. I find myself engaged in play with other people’s children sometimes for that exact reason.

That said, I understand your POV. The parents supervision is really adequate protection though to mitigate the risk. So in this instance I think it was controlled.

DeeCee77 · 24/10/2023 11:26

LaDamaDeElche · 24/10/2023 10:35

Culturally people are different. I live in Spain and people interact more freely with kids they don't know than people do in the U.K. What may seem odd or inappropriate to one culture would be normal in another.

Don't think it's a cultural thing.

People used to interact freely with kids here. Think the change is purely down to the sad times we now live in due to high profile cases of child abduction/paedophilia. That danger exists in every place (Madeline McCann being taken in Portugal for example), and it's a danger that has always been there, just here the awareness now is probably greater.

TooBusyLiving · 24/10/2023 11:27

I should have been more explicit, @TooBusyLiving I meant that I would remove a quietly distressed child and I think most people would.

I think you’d be surprised how many adults would feel awkward to do that. The pressure to not appear OTT is real for many people.

Perhaps as PP have suggested this is ultimately about cultural differences as I too am foreign

🤔 I’m ‘foreign’ too, so I don’t think it’s that.

nanodyne · 24/10/2023 11:27

When I was on holiday with DH a few years ago, before we had kids, some woman dumped her little boy (6-8 I would guess) on DH and went off to participate in the yoga class taking place on the other side of the pool - as in she put him in the pool next to DH, told the kid to say hi and then walked off. He felt super awkward about it but didn't want to leave the kid unsupervised in the pool, so we ended up playing a similar game with him. Was this guy perhaps just doing something to make sure an unsupervised kid wasn't playing in the pool by themself..?
I've also noticed that some people - especially from more outdoorsy European countries - are much happier to just join in games happening around the pool, regardless of who's playing.