To think that men (and women) should be careful with their interactions with children?

[Kala24]

I always just thought it was common sense that if you don't know a child, don't do anything that could seem weird! But maybe it's just my cynical mind?

Just got back from holiday with my boyfriend and another couple. On one of the days there was a girl in the pool playing on her own. She was throwing something to the other end of the pool and then swimming over to get it. She was about 6. The man from the other couple we were with got in the pool and started playing with her.. she wasn't English so they didn't speak to each other, he just took it upon himself to join in with her game. As she threw whatever it was she was throwing, he would swim over and reach it before her and then start laughing. He did this over and over for ages. It annoyed me because I just thought.. leave her alone? This young girl doesn't know you and is just happily playing by herself I doubt she wants some random 40 year old man coming over to her spoiling her game!

At one point her parents came over and also got into the pool so part of me is wondering if they also found it odd and wanted to keep their eye on her.

I don't know why he would do this. I'm not accusing him of anything at all, I genuinely think he was just trying to be friendly and make her laugh. But it can look creepy because unfortunately we do live in a world where there's sick people around and even I, as a woman wouldn't randomly start playing with a little girl I don't know, without asking her. It's weird!

Is it just me? When I was a kid my mum always told me not to talk to strangers and I would've felt scared if this happened to me as a kid. Although I appreciate not all kids are the same. I know that lots of people might say not everything is so negative and wrong, and he was just being friendly and nice and it's sad that people can't do something so innocent without it being misconstrued or seen as dodgy. But kids and parents have no way of knowing which people are just being nice and friendly and which have more sinister motives, so I would just never do this and would always be overly cautious. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't do it as a man. Is this not just common knowledge? I'm shocked that he didn't think it was inappropriate. I asked my boyfriend and he didn't see anything wrong with it although said he'd never do it himself.

Is this just me being OTT?

I agree with you OP and am surprised by the amount of posts saying otherwise. Like pp said, it’s the fact he went out of his way to insert himself into the girls space, it doesn’t sound a natural evolution. And men especially should be aware that they are in the half of the population who has a substantial minority that harasses and abuses women and children. They should remain aware that no one knows whether they are a good guy and act accordingly.

Honestly I can't believe people are using words like "peadophile" when the poor guy was just throwing a ball back and forth to a child in full view of the parents and plenty of other people. Calm down everyone!

Bigger issue is that the parents left her alone in the pool.

The world has gone mad .... he's on his holidays , the parents are there at the side. He threw a ball for her.

Potentially the man you were with saw that it’s inappropriate for a young child to be in the pool without parents and decided to address the issue. I don’t think it’s wrong or abnormal for adults to interact and play with children and it’s normal for adults to look out for children. What was off in this situation was that the parents were negligent leaving her in the pool alone if she was that age (may be she was much older but looked young?) and they were negligent in not intervening and making their presence known as soon as an unknown adult stepped in (could of just sat on side of pool and watched or joined in game). Most people are not paedophiles but those that are do test the boundaries to see what parents will do. Unfortunately you can’t lie by the pool with young children they need supervision

In a lot of pools children under 8 have to be accompanied. 6 is very young to be in a pool by herself with no obvious parents watching over her and (I presume its a hotel pool) no lifeguard.

Perhaps he was concerned about her safety and thought playing a game would look less suspicious than a man stood at the side of a pool staring at a child play?

I mean I wouldn't have got in or expected my DH to get in because I would think it looked suspicious. But I also find it interesting that the man playing a ball game and actually engaging with the child is getting more judgement than the parents letting a 6 year old play by themselves in a pool OP

She didn't think that prior to this incident did she? She had no experience of his behaviour with lone children. He maybe thought the girl deserved a playmate rather than playing in the pool on her own..who knows?

The mental gymnastics to justify/excuse a mans lack of boundaries is both funny and concerning.

It’s weird that he thought a child playing would want him involved. Hopefully “just” a case of him not thinking or lacking boundaries than being a paedophile.

Imagine seeing a young child you don’t know, playing happily, and taking it upon yourself to just join in. It’s really fucking weird.

People used to interact freely with kids here. Think the change is purely down to the sad times we now live in due to high profile cases of child abduction/paedophilia. That danger exists in every place (Madeline McCann being taken in Portugal for example), and it's a danger that has always been there, just here the awareness now is probably greater We've had high profile cases here too, though thankfully not too many. It hasn't really changed how people interact with children though. Continental culture is different when it comes to kids in general.

I think your past experience has affected how
you look at situations like this- and understandably.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel this is slightly inappropriate, and I personally wouldn’t ever interact with a child i didn’t know.
ive always been quite concerned about false accusations and the damage they can do, so we’ve never looked after anyone else’s young children.

I assume the parents watching the whole time and hasn’t left her unsupervised in a swimming pool.

Yanbu or OTT OP.
I say this as someone who thought their child's primary school teacher was being naively and innocently "touchy feely" until I realized it was anything but naive and innocent and he was convicted for CSA offences.
Once you've seen a groomer in action you can't unsee it, and an innocent man shouldn't be putting himself in a position where he might be accused of having wrongful intentions.

But I also find it interesting that the man playing a ball game and actually engaging with the child is getting more judgement than the parents letting a 6 year old play by themselves in a pool OP

Probably because there is nothing to suggest the child wasn’t being watched. In fact, quite the opposite, the parents got in the pool when the man invited himself to play her game with her. If they were not watching her, then of course they were wrong but OP hasn’t said that was the case. My children could swim very well at 6 and I was perfectly capable of watching them properly from the side of the pool.

I noticed you left out the part where I said "not obviously being watched"

It took ages for the parents to come and join in by the sounds of the OP. So either they had no issue with it, or, they weren't actively supervising. And I've been to plenty of places where the latter is an issue.

YANBU. As a very minimum this man was being insensitive. He should have realised he needed to take other people's feelings into account - the child's, her parents and anyone else who saw it who felt they might need to keep an eye on it.

As was said upthread girls are conditioned to be nice and polite and compliant. So how does anyone know whether or not she liked a 40 year old man interrupting her game. Men are sometimes crassly unaware - no excuse.

Or is it absolutely fine for strange men to go up to little girls they don't know and play with them without asking?

It definitely isn't, and not for women either. You just wouldn't, would you?

Maybe he felt sorry for her, and wanted to give her some friendly interaction - and that's all. I do also think you are coloured by your own experiences with the man in the pub.

Why weren't the parents in the pool playing with their child? That's the question

This is what I thought. If she hasn’t wanted to play she could have moved or got out. You have a weird mindset round this

THIS.

I noticed you left out the part where I said "not obviously being watched"

You think to watch properly, they can’t just be sitting on loungers? Why do they have to be ‘obvious’. 😬

It took ages for the parents to come and join in by the sounds of the OP. So either they had no issue with it, or, they weren't actively supervising. And I've been to plenty of places where the latter is an issue.

Or they were watching, thought it was odd, but as a pp said, they didn’t want to make a fuss for fear of being told they were OTT.

It’s a situation they shouldn’t have had to deal with because other people should behave normally. Although I would have just called my child out of the water, I know I’d have thought wtf, and I can imagine lots of people would have watched and waited, not because they were happy with the situation, but because they may feel awkward.

If the parents were not watching their child then obviously that’s not responsible behaviour and they’re idiots. The thread isn’t about that though, it’s asking about the mans behaviour.

Maybe we should discuss whether the girl should have been throwing things in the pool as she might have been disturbing others, or whether OP flew to her holiday destination and the effects on the planet or anything else to deflect from the issue of this man having no boundaries. People are desperate to justify the mans behaviour, even turning it to somehow be the fault of the parents.

I asked my DP his opinion because he’s Iranian and I’ve often seen him approach kids to entertain them, he wouldn’t go up to just any random child but he kept a toddler occupied on a plane sat behind him. The little girl was on her mothers knee and kept standing up and passing him toys and wanting his attention, it was actually driving me mad as it was a night flight and I wanted to sleep. DP said it was better then the toddler bored and crying.

He saw a boy of about 9 kicking a football alone (parents were there but not playing with him) whilst we were waiting to pick up my nephew from school and went to join him and had a kick about with him.
The boy loved it and wanted to keep playing when they left!
My partner wouldn’t have done this if I wasn’t there or the child’s parents.

We were at Pizza Hut a few months ago and a little girl (about 3) was wandering round the restaurant unattended, DP thought it was dangerous and led her back to her parents, they let her walk off again so DP showed her cat videos on his phone so she wasn’t abducted or had hot food dropped on her by staff. We were also at the top of a steep staircase she kept running and playing on the stairs so DP was keeping her away from the stairs as well.

DP said if he saw a 6 year old unattended in a pool he’d almost certainly get in just for safety reasons. He said he’d probably interact with the child and watch to see if they were happy with that or preferred playing alone, if they weren’t keen to play he’d leave them to play alone but stay in the pool and keep an eye on them.

DP is from a completely different culture though where it’s not unusual to keep an eye out for children or amuse them if they are bored. He said he wouldn’t approach a child in this country without their parents present or if I wasn’t there as that can give the wrong impression.

It takes a village to raise a child in Iran which is an outdated concept in the UK, most parents wouldn’t appreciate a strangers help or interaction.
I can understand why some people think a man getting into a pool to play with a random child is unusual, in a lot of cultures it’s completely normal though and the parents might have left their child in the pool expecting others to watch her.

Two things I take from the wisdom posted so far. Girls are conditioned to be polite even if they are uncomfortable and to go with your gut feeling. I'm not saying he's a weirdo, he might just be a blithering idiot but either way, yuck, it would feel creepy. We have a very dear friend who means no harm and is a genuinely kind, good man but he sometimes creeps women out. Just that kind of engaging with them in queries when he doesn't know them, starting a random conversation etc. And I tell him he's yuck too 😀

You think to watch properly, they can’t just be sitting on loungers? Why do they have to be ‘obvious

Where did I say that they cant just be sitting on loungers?

People are desperate to justify the mans behaviour

Once again you gave literally ignored the bit where I said I wouldn't have got in the pool myself in that situation I.e. I am offering a possible explanation for the behaviour not a justification, there is a difference, at no point have I said his behaviour was correct.

Paedos and creeps have ruined things for everyone. This was clearly an innocent friendly interaction which the child enjoyed. It’s a shame that a minority of perverts means everyone has to stop being friendly. Most men wouldn’t do this for fear of being seen as a creep which I get but in his culture it probably wasn’t seen the same way. As long as he’s in view of the parents there’s no problem here and the child knows that if she’s without her parents/adult she knows she mustn’t speak to strangers.

But, @HappinessForBeginners , one very plausible explanation for the man’s behaviour is rooted in the possibility that the girl’s parents weren’t watching her carefully enough. Playing with her may have been a covert way of watching over her. No contortions required.

This. It's sad that in the UK, adults are automatically classed as perverts if they dare to interact with a child.
The parents were nearby.