To think that men (and women) should be careful with their interactions with children?

[Kala24]

I always just thought it was common sense that if you don't know a child, don't do anything that could seem weird! But maybe it's just my cynical mind?

Just got back from holiday with my boyfriend and another couple. On one of the days there was a girl in the pool playing on her own. She was throwing something to the other end of the pool and then swimming over to get it. She was about 6. The man from the other couple we were with got in the pool and started playing with her.. she wasn't English so they didn't speak to each other, he just took it upon himself to join in with her game. As she threw whatever it was she was throwing, he would swim over and reach it before her and then start laughing. He did this over and over for ages. It annoyed me because I just thought.. leave her alone? This young girl doesn't know you and is just happily playing by herself I doubt she wants some random 40 year old man coming over to her spoiling her game!

At one point her parents came over and also got into the pool so part of me is wondering if they also found it odd and wanted to keep their eye on her.

I don't know why he would do this. I'm not accusing him of anything at all, I genuinely think he was just trying to be friendly and make her laugh. But it can look creepy because unfortunately we do live in a world where there's sick people around and even I, as a woman wouldn't randomly start playing with a little girl I don't know, without asking her. It's weird!

Is it just me? When I was a kid my mum always told me not to talk to strangers and I would've felt scared if this happened to me as a kid. Although I appreciate not all kids are the same. I know that lots of people might say not everything is so negative and wrong, and he was just being friendly and nice and it's sad that people can't do something so innocent without it being misconstrued or seen as dodgy. But kids and parents have no way of knowing which people are just being nice and friendly and which have more sinister motives, so I would just never do this and would always be overly cautious. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't do it as a man. Is this not just common knowledge? I'm shocked that he didn't think it was inappropriate. I asked my boyfriend and he didn't see anything wrong with it although said he'd never do it himself.

Is this just me being OTT?

Not OTT at all. As a parent I think its extremely odd to start playing with a random child in that way. I don't know any man of that age who would do it? Well, any age, really!

If she was happily playing by herself I can't understand why he would do this.

Yes this is the thing. I feel sad that I feel this way and wish I didn't, because I know that he was only trying to be friendly and make her laugh. I'm not accusing him of anything, I was just shocked that he did it that's all because I'm not used to seeing people act like this with strangers children. I thought everyone was in some sort of unspoken agreement that you don't do this sort of thing just to be on the safe side because people could see you as creepy.

I know male teachers that won't be alone with female students if they can help it (obv hard to avoid sometimes) or they used to be a fun jokey teacher but now they aren't and are more careful just in case anything gets misconstrued. It's not the exact same thing but I'm just making the point that even if you're a good person and your intentions are harmless, sometimes it's just better not to do something because of how it may come across or be seen. It is a shame. And it would be different in my eyes if the child had come over to him with and wanted to play. It's the fact that he went over to her unprompted that I think could be seen as a bit iffy

Also I don't know if she was 6, I don't know her age. She just looked roughly that age

Where did I say that they cant just be sitting on loungers?

How do you want them to behave to satisfy your need for them to be ‘obvious’. 😬

Once again you gave literally ignored the bit where I said I wouldn't have got in the pool myself in that situation I.e. I am offering a possible explanation for the behaviour not a justification, there is a difference, at no point have I said his behaviour was correct.

Offering explanations which are so unlikely that it comes across as justifying a man with no boundaries.

In general, the combination of being keen to explain away men’s inappropriate behaviour, the social conditioning of girls to be polite and the willingness to blame others is dangerous and wrong.

This.

It was entitled of him to interact from a distance with a little girl whilst her own parents didn't bother and just let her play on her own in the pool for ages?

Give over.

The parents are entitled. They wanted a holiday where they didn't want to play with their child.
The man in question was doing a nice thing.

On average 25 people from the UK die in hotel pools every year and there are about 500 serious incidents (I.e. near drownings) in hotel pools every year. That's mostly kids and just ones from the UK so the total numbers could be much higher. 350 children under the age of 5 (so not much younger than the age of the child in the OP) drown in pools every year.

There are plenty of reasons to be worried about a 6 year old playing in a pool by herself especially if you have witnessed one of those deaths/near drownings before

When serious accidents like this happen people sometimes ask "why did no one nearby help?" - these comments are why no one nearby helps.

Now I still think a random man should be more aware of what it looks like when he jumps in to a pool to play ball with a young girl but nevertheless it either "takes a village" or it doesn't. So next time there is a thread on MN moaning about the lack of "village" as there often is, this is where the village is, sat at the side terrified to help because they will be labelled a pedophile or groomer.

How do you want them to behave to satisfy your need for them to be ‘obvious

Glancing over on a fairly regular basis

Offering explanations which are so unlikely that it comes across as justifying a man with no boundaries.

And again, I have literally said I don't think getting in the pool was the right thing to do. If you think that means I am saying getting in the pool was the right thing to do then that's your issue tbh

It was quite likely perfectly innocent. However, thinking back to my childhood, I think I would have been pissed off if some random bloke had decided to join in my game !!

But, @HappinessForBeginners , one very plausible explanation for the man’s behaviour is rooted in the possibility that the girl’s parents weren’t watching her carefully enough. Playing with her may have been a covert way of watching over her. No contortions required.

Then he could have kept a discreet eye on her, better still asked one of the women in his group to, spoke to a lifeguard if one was on duty. Literally anything that didn’t involve him inviting himself to play.

She wasn’t struggling to swim, she was swimming from one side to the other over and over, I don’t believe he was worried for her. So yes, contortions required. Anything to justify inappropriate male behaviour from many posters.

As a parent if i came to the pool to find my child playing with an adult she didnt know I would be creeped out. Your friend did nothing wrong but as a parent i would be worrying about possible motives. Child would have a talking to about strangers and i would be keeping an eye out for him appearing near her again.

Glancing over on a fairly regular basis

Do you know they were not. I’ve explained why them not coming over straight away doesn’t mean they weren’t watching it weren’t concerned.

And again, I have literally said I don't think getting in the pool was the right thing to do. If you think that means I am saying getting in the pool was the right thing to do then that's your issue tbh

TBH, I’m not sure what your point is. I think our conversation is done. 😅

or not it

💯

TBH, I’m not sure what your point is. I think our conversation is done.

That's because you keep taking small snippets of my posts and picking at them out of context, or twisting them to suit you. My point is perfectly clear in my first post.

Its unusual and innapropriate for an adult male to play with a young child unprompted,especially a stranger.

I agree with you OP- it should not be happening and is weird. And all those that are supporting this weird behaviour are weird too. Do you think a 6 year old child would be able to say something to a grown man if they felt uncomfortable? There are plenty of adult females who act nice to creepy men so they don’t get hurt.

While there is a lot of dark in the world, there is also a lot of light

If we live our lives on a don’t talk to strangers basis, everything becomes small and mean

Given this bloke started playing with the kid in a public swimming pool when she was obviously in full view of her parents. He didn’t do anything wrong.

From your description she played with him because she wanted to. Kids generally do want more interaction than parents often want to / can give.

It’s a positive thing, we’d live in a better society if we all took more interest in each other.

If you didn’t think it was creepy and it was all just friendly fun, then what an earth are you on about? I think it’s creepy of YOU to be thinking so much and fretting so much about a complete non-event. Should that poor man (and by extension, very man) have to go around policing himself in case very busybody thinks he’s a pervert? Normal interaction of any kind is totally fine. Stop clutching your pearls. Creepy and over-familiar interaction is wrong and should be called out. But you’ve admitted several times that this wasn’t that.

The only thing that was off here was you staring at them all wondering if everybody else should assume he was a pervert when he wasn’t, and the fact the parents let a 6 year old girl play in the pool on her own (risk of drowning too high for my comfort.)

@jiinglebells

I don't agree. Children don't just put a stop to something if they don't like it or don't want to continue doing it. Why do you think they are so easily groomed? At that age their entire lives have been conditioned to believing that adults know best and that they musn't be cheeky to them. They are innocent and trusting especially if "he" seems like a nice man and is offering a game/sweets/puppies. I was sexually molested in my local swimming baths when I was around 10 years old. My friends had gone off to the deep end and I stayed in the shallow end. A really lovely middle aged man swam up to me and offered to play a game because I looked lonely. I wasn't sure if he was supposed to be doing what he was doing. I thought it might be an accident or maybe part of the game. Anyway, I didn't want to cause a scene and upset this "lovely" man. To answer the OP's question, I personally would not involve myself with a random child unless it was absolutely necessary, especially if I was a bloke.

I spent the whole of the birthday party playing with a child that wasn't mine the other day. She just came up and asked me to play with her. It never crossed my mind that someone would think I was a paedophile.

I agree with you OP. It’s weird behaviour.

I also agree that some posters are going to great lengths to justify the behaviour. Maybe he was scared for her safety, maybe he felt sorry for her playing alone, maybe this, maybe that. Bullshit.

Maybe he’s needs to stop being a twat and realise he shouldn’t be inviting himself to play with little kids because it’s not appropriate.

I’m not saying this man is a danger to children, but It’s easy to see why men get away with creepy behaviour like this and a lot worse when there is bad intent, we’re never short of people to tell us it’s ok. People are queuing up to excuse male bad behaviour. Depressing.

He was weird. Its not difficult to think of long-term, well-known paedophiles who hid in plain sight until they were outed.

Not weird at all.
But how do you know the man didn't already know the girl and her family?

Not weird at all.
But how do you know the man didn't already know the girl and her family?

You need to read the OP again.