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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s weird that ExH took his new gf and her DCs to visit his parents but not our DCs?

87 replies

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 13:49

ExH and I have been separated for about a year. We have 2 DC together. He’s been with his GF 6 months and she has 2 DCs of her own. He sees our DCs every other weekend.

Last weekend was supposed to be his, but he told me at the last minute that he couldn’t have them as he was going home for a family party, and taking his GF and her DCs with him.

I said he should prioritise taking his own DCs, firstly because it is supposed to be his weekend with them, and also they haven’t seen his side of the family since January. They would love to see their grandparents, cousins etc.

He said no, there isn’t enough room in the car. I suggested they get the train (which he has always done in the past as he doesn’t drive!), he said no because GF prefers to drive.

It turned into a bit of a row, culminating in me saying it’s weird to take his GFs DCs to visit his family (whom they are strangers to) over his own children. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Optionyougot · 23/10/2023 15:38

He sounds awful. I think this is likely a sign of behaviour to come.

I think I would message your ex-mil but with a message along the lines of it was a shame there was no room for them, the kids would have loved to see them and the door is always open should they wish to visit.

If their dad is happy to ditch them like that then it's even more important they have a relationship separately with their GP's

Crumpleton · 23/10/2023 15:38

Was it MIL's party or another family member?
Do you still get on with her?
Think I'd be inclined to message her and give her your side of the story.

I'd imagine the party wasn't a spur of the moment arrangement so your ex must have known in advance that it was happening and therefore should have given you more notice and also informed his mum that her GC wouldn't be there, she could then have invited you and your DC separately.

Louise303 · 23/10/2023 15:39

I would of commented on your ex mills post he is probably making out you are the one to stop the children going.

DaisyMaisyFaisy · 23/10/2023 15:41

I think I’d have contacted his family before the event and offered to take them seeing as he didn’t have room in the car for them!!!!!

androidnotapple · 23/10/2023 15:41

His weekend - up to him to sort childcare..........

LylaLee · 23/10/2023 15:42

There are men who discard/break up with a woman, and at the same time discard HER children. Even if those children are also his. They have always seen the children as YOURS. Your responsibility + then gone when you're gone.

Hugosauras · 23/10/2023 16:00

Why did you bite your tongue? So you are happy to take the blame for his selfishness and poor parenting choices? I would definitely have posted something in the comments saying how unfortunately there was no room in the car this time, but that you could happily video call so that they didn't feel left out.

Vinrouge4 · 23/10/2023 16:04

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

Oh I would comment. 'Hope you had a lovely time - a shame there wasn't room in the car for x and x.'

Iloveacurry · 23/10/2023 16:10

Definitely say something to exMIL or comment on her post ‘yes shame there was no room for them in the car, after all it was exDH’s weekend with them’.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/10/2023 16:12

He's just too lazy to get the train, and the new girlfriend is willing to drive him. Simple as that.

saythatagaintome · 23/10/2023 16:14

Hun, you NEED to be proactive here.

your children are too young to pursue a relationship with their family. It’s the adults responsibility to ensure connection, all of you!
reach out to your xIL’s and be frank. What do they want? What would you like? Does everyone want a relationship? If so, you absolutely MUST make it work.

don’t not be sidestepped here!!

DaftQuestionForToday · 23/10/2023 16:21

I'd have definitely commented on her post.

'Yes, it's a shame your Grandchildren couldn't be there, they'd have loved to see you all. it's a pity 'Fred' couldn't be bothered to take them on the train. Or new Girlfriend's kids Dad couldn't have her children so x&y could come. They're going to need a bigger car as he can't just not see his kids on his weekend because they don't fit in the car!!

This is why I don't 'do' Facebook as I'd have to put things straight!!

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 16:25

I think the problem here is that he cancelled the contact with the kids.

I think if it was a weekend he wasn't due to have the kids and he took his gf and her kids up to meet his family then depending on the nature of the party that's a sensible thing to do. He gets to decide how to introduce them all.

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 16:25

PixieLaLar · 23/10/2023 15:01

Sorry but I agree with this. It was shit of him to cancel on his kids but I wouldn’t say it’s weird that he wanted to introduce his new GF and her kids to his family.

Show quote history

This

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/10/2023 16:37

"Yes, it certainly was a shame. The children were so upset that ex name cancelled their contact at last minute as he didn't want to travel by train. The children haven't seen you in so long, is there a time that suits you that we could all meet up somewhere together?"

pontipinemum · 23/10/2023 16:43

I think I'd also say something your your ex MIL let her know you do want your DC to have a relationship with their side of the family. January is a long time not have seen them.

Your ex sounds like a prick for choosing to bring his new gf and her kids over his own kids.

cordelia16 · 23/10/2023 16:57

Another one who thinks you should definitely say something to MIL about what really happened to prevent all of her GC from helping her celebrate. Do not be a martyr here!! Was all of your communication done by phone or do you have texts between you and ex-asshat (in case MIL doubts your story)?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 23/10/2023 17:00

Yeah that's a really weird thing to do on his kids' time. Presumably his gf doesn't have her own car then - couldn't they have travelled separately?! Very odd.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/10/2023 17:01

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 16:25

This

Show quote history

You don't think it's a little bit odd that a father wants to visit his blood relations with his girlfriend's children at the expense of his own children? Really?

WhatsCookingFlora · 23/10/2023 17:06

Men like this are beneath contempt, and I say that as someone who had never personally been burned by it so assume can't be dismissed as simply bitter! It's nuts to me that they don't realise this is what most people quietly think of them when they do things like this.

I too would be likely clarifying the situation with MIL and offering to facilitate contact myself in the absence of her son being willing to do it. Because I think it's the right thing for the children assuming there's no good reason to keep them apart.

TeaGinandFags · 23/10/2023 17:13

androidnotapple · 23/10/2023 15:41

His weekend - up to him to sort childcare..........

He did. Their mother.

I suspect that MIL chose date for access weekend to see gc and got GF's DC. It would explain the passive aggression. The post could also be a covert request for information. She's probably fuming.

OP talk to ex MIL and clear your name.

This is not pettiness. Pettiness is telling GF what she has in store for her bc XH will be crying into her knickers of how you held the children back.

LylaLee · 23/10/2023 17:13

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/10/2023 16:37

"Yes, it certainly was a shame. The children were so upset that ex name cancelled their contact at last minute as he didn't want to travel by train. The children haven't seen you in so long, is there a time that suits you that we could all meet up somewhere together?"

This.

He didn't have room in the car for all the children and he didn't want to travel by train, so he left Jake and Sean behind.

Astonymission · 23/10/2023 17:15

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 13:58

He's yet another man who can replace his own family with the kids of his newest shag without missing a beat.

What a piece of shit. Your poor kids.

This. Sickening really.

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 17:20

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/10/2023 17:01

You don't think it's a little bit odd that a father wants to visit his blood relations with his girlfriend's children at the expense of his own children? Really?

Show quote history

No. I think as long as he's also taking his kids regularly perhaps he decided it was best to introduce them without the others there too. If it hadn't been their contact day I'd have no problem with this. Blending is difficult and it's nice he wants the soon to be step kids to build a relationship with his family.

I do think it's absolutely shit to not take his kids on his contact weekend with them.

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 17:20

Optionyougot · 23/10/2023 15:38

He sounds awful. I think this is likely a sign of behaviour to come.

I think I would message your ex-mil but with a message along the lines of it was a shame there was no room for them, the kids would have loved to see them and the door is always open should they wish to visit.

If their dad is happy to ditch them like that then it's even more important they have a relationship separately with their GP's

I agree with this.

I understand him wanting his parents to meet his new gf without his kids being there but it’s weird to do it at a family event and it’s even weirder that she took her kids!

Its extremely selfish of him to not see his own kids on his weekend and take them to see their family.

Its almost like he’s showing everyone his new family and like his old one doesn’t exist.
As the PP said, this is likely a sign of behaviour to come.

I would definitely message your ex-MIL as he doesn’t deserve to be allowed to make excuses and blame you for his poor behaviour.