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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s weird that ExH took his new gf and her DCs to visit his parents but not our DCs?

87 replies

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 13:49

ExH and I have been separated for about a year. We have 2 DC together. He’s been with his GF 6 months and she has 2 DCs of her own. He sees our DCs every other weekend.

Last weekend was supposed to be his, but he told me at the last minute that he couldn’t have them as he was going home for a family party, and taking his GF and her DCs with him.

I said he should prioritise taking his own DCs, firstly because it is supposed to be his weekend with them, and also they haven’t seen his side of the family since January. They would love to see their grandparents, cousins etc.

He said no, there isn’t enough room in the car. I suggested they get the train (which he has always done in the past as he doesn’t drive!), he said no because GF prefers to drive.

It turned into a bit of a row, culminating in me saying it’s weird to take his GFs DCs to visit his family (whom they are strangers to) over his own children. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/10/2023 14:31

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

I would tell the ex MIL - who cares if it's petty. She needs to tell her awful son off like the child he is.

But whatever he should and shouldn't do with his own family . The main thing is that he has not taken the kids on 'his' weekend which should be your focus - that's absolutely out of order to mess you and his children around for whatever reason

Womencanlift · 23/10/2023 14:31

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

See I would be petty and say something along the lines of “yes shame there wasn’t room in the car for DC. They haven’t seen you for such a long time”.

But then I am petty. I do get why you wouldn’t want to cause an online upset but any man who prioritises another woman’s kids over his own deserves to be called out

MiddleParking · 23/10/2023 14:32

Following your update I’m not sure I’d be making too much effort for my kids to spend time with his mother either. They all sound very well matched and you and your kids better off out of it.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 23/10/2023 14:32

femfemlicious · 23/10/2023 14:25

I think you should send her a text telling her what happened!

Show quote history

Send her all the texts!!!! Screenshot your conversations.

ToniTTtopaz · 23/10/2023 14:35

Another vote for texting her separately and saying kids miss you & would have been lovely for them to see you as they haven't in a while. Its a shame ex husband's name could only fit new girlfriends names kids in the car! Hopefully he will bring them next time!

Don't let him make you the bad guy!

Namerequired · 23/10/2023 14:39

I don’t see an issue with him taking his gf/kids to his family, though it is early for him to have met them never mind extended family. However how dare he just cancel his kids at the last minute, that’s not on. What if you couldn’t accommodate it? Would that have mattered? Selfish ass

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2023 14:41

I would definitely be messaging the ex MIL and putting the record straight! Don't be a doormat, stand your ground!

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 23/10/2023 14:45

GKD · 23/10/2023 14:21

I’d message XMIL and make it clear that DC not attending wasn’t my doing.

definitely contact your ex-in laws and explain why your children weren't there. Do it direct with them, not on social media. They need to know you are not being awkward about them seeing the children and that ex is behaving like a shit.

SeptemberSuns · 23/10/2023 14:47

It's none of your business what he does with his GF and her kids. He was out of order cancelling on his weekend to have his kids, but the rest is NOYB.

D3LAN3Y · 23/10/2023 14:51

I'd just screenshot his messages under her status 😒 I'm a dick though.

SaracensMavericks · 23/10/2023 14:53

I would also let the ex MIL know! Not to cause drama but just so she's fully aware of the situation.

Thisisnotmyname2022 · 23/10/2023 14:55

Hi MIL, looks like you had a fab time. DC were really looking forward to seeing yo, they hadn’t stopped talking about it for weeks and are gutted EX could no longer bring them along. Hopefully they’ll be able to attend the next get together.

Something like this?

lunar1 · 23/10/2023 14:56

Tell his mum! Don't let him make you look like an ass.

Honestly why would they want to see two random kids over their grandchildren.

BethDuttonsTwin · 23/10/2023 14:56

SeptemberSuns · 23/10/2023 14:47

It's none of your business what he does with his GF and her kids. He was out of order cancelling on his weekend to have his kids, but the rest is NOYB.

It's all part of the same action though. He prioritised taking his GF's children - unrelated to his family, over taking his own children to see their own family. The two things can't really be separated so it is the OP's business.

Message MIL and tell her in a non emotive way what happened and that the children are available for her to see at any suitable time.

BubziOwl · 23/10/2023 14:59

D3LAN3Y · 23/10/2023 14:51

I'd just screenshot his messages under her status 😒 I'm a dick though.

Ooh yes I would do this. But, yeah, fellow dick here.

PixieLaLar · 23/10/2023 15:01

SeptemberSuns · 23/10/2023 14:47

It's none of your business what he does with his GF and her kids. He was out of order cancelling on his weekend to have his kids, but the rest is NOYB.

Sorry but I agree with this. It was shit of him to cancel on his kids but I wouldn’t say it’s weird that he wanted to introduce his new GF and her kids to his family.

smilesup · 23/10/2023 15:03

Tell exMILbut definitely not on social media. That is just drama inducing.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 23/10/2023 15:04

Yes passive aggressive comments are a MIL speciality, usually goes alongside blinkered view that their sons can do no wrong.
I wonder if she is refering to the new GF children when she was talking about her other grandchildren? If so that is weird too.
I would definitely say something...but that's because I hate my ex 😂

MindIfISlytherin · 23/10/2023 15:05

I would definitely private message xmil to say something along the lines of "really sorry DC couldn't make it - they really wanted to come but unfortunately XH let me know that there was no space in the car and he wasn't keen on taking the train. Hopefully they'll make it next time!"

I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if my dad took his new gf's kids to see my cousins and grandparents and left me out - your poor DC 😞

Dweetfidilove · 23/10/2023 15:11

Yet another asshole who can just replace his kids 🙄.

ExMIL post is the perfect opening for sending her copies of the messages showing he refused to bring her grandchildren.

Photographsandmemories · 23/10/2023 15:12

I was one of your kids (the ones who got replaced by my father's new girlfriend's kids).

I didn't speak to my father for decades after I got old enough to return his indifference, didn't bother replying to the self-pitying email he sent to me in the months before his unlamented death (alone) and certainly didn't waste time attending his funeral.

Susuwatariandkodama · 23/10/2023 15:14

I would have told ex-mil exactly why her grandchildren couldn’t attend! Absolutely awful behaviour from your ex.

Toddlerteaplease · 23/10/2023 15:22

LogicVoid · 23/10/2023 14:20

You should comment. Tell the truth and shame the devil.

I would absolutely have commented!

CornishClott · 23/10/2023 15:25

Tempnamechng · 23/10/2023 14:07

I can see why he is your ex. I bet he told his family that your dc didn't go because you were being awkward.

I would ring them and say how was the party and slip into the conversation how much the kids would have loved to have been there but their dad couldn't pick them up . Make sure they know it's not you being a pita .

TomWambsgansSwans · 23/10/2023 15:27

Decorhate · 23/10/2023 14:22

If you want your kids to have a continuing relationship with your in-laws I think you are going to have to by-pass your ex.

I would send a private message to your ex-MIL saying you are also sad that your kids were not at the party and telling her you are happy for her to visit/take the kids out.

I think this is an excellent comment. Non-emotive, open and constructive.

My DH is now 40 and still having to deal with his parents' short-sightedness over their split, fall outs over seeing GPS etc. if someone could have been the bigger person he would have grown up so much happier.

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