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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s weird that ExH took his new gf and her DCs to visit his parents but not our DCs?

87 replies

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 13:49

ExH and I have been separated for about a year. We have 2 DC together. He’s been with his GF 6 months and she has 2 DCs of her own. He sees our DCs every other weekend.

Last weekend was supposed to be his, but he told me at the last minute that he couldn’t have them as he was going home for a family party, and taking his GF and her DCs with him.

I said he should prioritise taking his own DCs, firstly because it is supposed to be his weekend with them, and also they haven’t seen his side of the family since January. They would love to see their grandparents, cousins etc.

He said no, there isn’t enough room in the car. I suggested they get the train (which he has always done in the past as he doesn’t drive!), he said no because GF prefers to drive.

It turned into a bit of a row, culminating in me saying it’s weird to take his GFs DCs to visit his family (whom they are strangers to) over his own children. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 23/10/2023 13:52

So basically he didn’t want to get the train. His girlfriend said she would drive and all the children became irrelevant - yours missed a chance to see family and hers were made to go to a celebration for someone else’s family.

im guessing he has form for being selfish

TenThousandSpoons · 23/10/2023 13:53

Yanbu especially as it was his weekend to have the kids. I imagine the cousins asked where your kids were and his parents weren’t impressed. Is he always an arse?

Gnomegnomegnome · 23/10/2023 13:55

Sadly it’s probably a sign of things to come. He’s replaced you all.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 13:58

He's yet another man who can replace his own family with the kids of his newest shag without missing a beat.

What a piece of shit. Your poor kids.

MiddleParking · 23/10/2023 14:00

It’s such incredibly weird behaviour. Surely his parents wouldn’t especially want her kids there without his?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2023 14:03

He shouldn’t be cancelling contact, that’s crap. Is it the first time his family have met his girlfriend’s children?

Tempnamechng · 23/10/2023 14:07

I can see why he is your ex. I bet he told his family that your dc didn't go because you were being awkward.

Weddingpuzzle · 23/10/2023 14:10

That really is outrageous. Your poor DC, what other message could they possibly glean from that than their Dad's GF DC's take priority? She could have driven down her DC and he take his DC on the train ffs! Will his parents say anything?

bathrobeandpie · 23/10/2023 14:12

he told me at the last minute that he couldn’t have them as he was going home for a family party

you should have replied that neither could you (working or something non negotiable).

What would he have done then?

TicTacNicNak · 23/10/2023 14:15

Six months in and he's already met the GFs kids and is introducing them to his wider family? He and the GF sound as bad as each other.

Original poster
PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

OP posts:
LogicVoid · 23/10/2023 14:20

You should comment. Tell the truth and shame the devil.

Mylovelygreendress · 23/10/2023 14:21

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

I most certainly would have commented or at least messaged to say why your DC weren’t there . He probably told them you wouldn’t allow them to go.
In my experience some men very quickly and easily replace their first family with the exciting new one !

GKD · 23/10/2023 14:21

I’d message XMIL and make it clear that DC not attending wasn’t my doing.

Decorhate · 23/10/2023 14:22

If you want your kids to have a continuing relationship with your in-laws I think you are going to have to by-pass your ex.

I would send a private message to your ex-MIL saying you are also sad that your kids were not at the party and telling her you are happy for her to visit/take the kids out.

Aylestone · 23/10/2023 14:22

Send the message. Even privately if not on her Fb page

Aylestone · 23/10/2023 14:23

Did he tell you this or message it? I’d be taking whatever screenshots you have just in case

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2023 14:24

You shouldn't have held your tongue, a simple "shame there wasn't room in the car" would have done. He's ditching his kids, it can't get any worse. My DD found out about a year after the split that her ex was blaming her for the non attendance of the children, tbh by that time the relationship wasn't the same and it's never recovered. Don't throw your children under the bus to save your ex's feelings.

Cumbrianlife · 23/10/2023 14:24

I'd send a message privately. You owe him nothing. What a prick!

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/10/2023 14:24

Decorhate · 23/10/2023 14:22

If you want your kids to have a continuing relationship with your in-laws I think you are going to have to by-pass your ex.

I would send a private message to your ex-MIL saying you are also sad that your kids were not at the party and telling her you are happy for her to visit/take the kids out.

This ^^

femfemlicious · 23/10/2023 14:25

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

I think you should send her a text telling her what happened!

PrinceHaz · 23/10/2023 14:25

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

He and his mother sound dreadful. How rude of her to post that comment publicly.
No need for a public reply but you could privately text to explain that you had very much wanted your own children to go, so much so that it ended in a row.

BubziOwl · 23/10/2023 14:26

PoeticJustice · 23/10/2023 14:16

He’s always been selfish, but become worse since we split. Or maybe I just see it more clearly now?

His family hadn’t met his GF/her kids before this so he was introducing them all at a big family event, which I also think is weird, it’s a lot of pressure for a first meeting especially for her kids who are quite young (both under 8).

ExMIL posted photos on social media and commented that it was a shame some of the grandkids couldn’t make it. I wanted to comment because I’m sure he told her I wouldn’t let them come, but I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause public drama!

I would absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt comment - and I wouldn't care one iota what anyone thought about it.

Temporaryname158 · 23/10/2023 14:27

Absolutely contact your MIL and tell her exactly why they weren’t there.

if you can afford it, take the kids to visit yourself. This will send a clear message to both exDP and his family that he is a dick but that you value the grandparents role etc

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 23/10/2023 14:31

Why do some men think they can do this?

It’s a custody arrangement, he’s not babysitting. What happens when, mid week, you say to him ‘oh I can’t take the kids to school I’m going away, you’ll have to’.

It is no way acceptable what he’s done.