Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Creating boundaries with pupil

171 replies

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 09:53

I do private tutoring and one of my pupils is a 12 year old girl, she’s lovely but very anxious about her homework and getting everything right. I go to her home twice per week at set times to help with her homework.
She’s quite disorganised and often loses text books and doesn’t know when her homework needs to be in by.
A couple of times she has Whatsapped me in a panic, often late at night, because she has realised she has homework to be in the next day. I’ve helped her by going through the work etc, but I’ve said she needs to send me the homework on the day she gets it so that we can go through it during the lessons.
Yesterday afternoon she messaged me in a panic again, with four pages of maths homework, I said to her I was away for the weekend and would be happy to go through it with her tomorrow during our lesson (I wasn’t away, but was having a lazy afternoon doing Halloween crafts & baking with my 5 year old, plus making a roast etc)
She melt whatsapping me saying she’d really appreciate any help at all etc. I felt bad so gave it a couple of hours then started writing out all the explanations for the sums and examples etc. It took me a couple of hours, in between cooking and so on. I sent it all, told her I was doing my Dds bath and bedtime and said we’d go through it further at her lesson tomorrow. I sorted Dd and got into bed later-9 ish and she texted me her answers for me to look at, she did well but some corrections which I had to correct and text back and explain to her etc. This went on for a couple of hours, then she had finished, she was very grateful and thanked me. I’m happy to help her, but not great with boundaries and can find it hard to say no to things.
Dh says I must draw a line on this or if I’m happy to do it, to at least say I want to be paid for it?
Would you expect to be paid for this, would you say no to this?
They pay very well for lessons, I enjoy the job and helping her so don’t want to lose the work, but I’ve never had this situation before
What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 09:55

*Kept messaging, not melt 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
TodayForTomorrow · 23/10/2023 09:56

What help do her parents give her with homework? The two approaches I tend to see are parents who actively help them get organised, and those who say it's up to the child to either sort themselves out or accept the detentions.

I don't think this is a normal set up really.

junbean · 23/10/2023 09:57

I would talk to her parents. This is an issue for them to sort out.

Foxesandsquirrels · 23/10/2023 09:57

This is not normal and can quickly get you into safeguarding hot waters. You need to be firm and explain to her at your next lesson that it's noting personal but you cannot help her outside of lessons.
She will need to wait. This is not about kindness or lack of it, you need to protect yourself as well as the child. You're an adult and it's your responsibility to draw the line here.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 23/10/2023 10:10

A 12 year old shouldn't be able to directly message you one to one tbh. That feels like a Safeguarding concern.

Talk to the parents and explain all contact must be through them and is only allowed between X and Y unless an emergency. Then block her number.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:13

The parents know and often message me first for help with it, they’re with her and tell her to message me, but there’s been no talk of payment. It’s a bit like online tutoring I suppose. I know the family well
and have babysat her in the past etc. The parents don’t help with the homework as they admit it’s too hard and they don’t have time, they’re happy to throw money at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:14

The pupil messages on her mums phone/WhatsApp number, so it’s all via the mum

OP posts:
eish · 23/10/2023 10:14

This is not acceptable, as a tutor you should be paid for the time you officially tutor her. Communication should come via parents not between the two of you. Tell her parents to support her organisation and help her understand she can make mistakes in her homework. This is a really important life lesson, is she is unable to make mistakes her mental health will break down at some point.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:16

She also texted one day during the day with a list of things she needed to study for a Science test. I spent a few hours at home going through it and preparing work for her to revise and sent it via her parents. Would you charge for this also or count that as part of lesson planning? I feel the lines are getting blurred here, Dh and my DDad (formally a lecturer) say I should charge

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 23/10/2023 10:16

Yes, I would expect payment for two additional hours of work. You need to have a word with the parents. This is your job, it's not a favour.

Soontobe60 · 23/10/2023 10:18

Absolutely stop responding to messages from either the pupil or her parents unless they are about the actual lessons! The lines are so blurred here.
You need to speak to the parents face to face and tell them what is and what isn’t acceptable. It’s their job to help their DD organise her homework schedule, all you should be doing is supporting her to complete it during her tutoring session.

TodayForTomorrow · 23/10/2023 10:18

Sounds like you maybe need to be paid for a daily contact, maybe via 30 min video call to help her go through her homework to-do list and decide what she should do independently, and what you will help her with in your longer sessions.

In my view, this is what her parents shoukd be doing but they're obviously not...

Mesaaging outside of those times shouldn't be allowed.

GrumpyPanda · 23/10/2023 10:19

Of course you need to bill them - by your account you've spent four hours of your weekend on this nonsense! You also need to stop her private-messaging you. If something needs to be discussed for the upcoming lesson it can be done by email.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:19

@eish Its via the mum first of all…her phone and WhatsApp messages, I send the work to her with explanations and presumably the mum passes it to her for her to send me her work etc.
I’ve said to the parents that she needs to find/re order these texts books and organise her homework so she knows when it has to be in by and so I can prepare it to do in the lessons.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 23/10/2023 10:20

That is not normal. You can, if you wish, offer her a paid for online lesson to go through her homework but you are under no obligation at all to do this.

I would also make it clear to her parents that under your safeguarding procedures you are no longer able to communicate via whatsapp or any other form of social media with a minor.

readbooksdrinktea · 23/10/2023 10:20

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:16

She also texted one day during the day with a list of things she needed to study for a Science test. I spent a few hours at home going through it and preparing work for her to revise and sent it via her parents. Would you charge for this also or count that as part of lesson planning? I feel the lines are getting blurred here, Dh and my DDad (formally a lecturer) say I should charge

Of course you should. This is completely messy.

eish · 23/10/2023 10:22

She should be preparing for a test not you. What on earth is going on here. You should be planning lessons and delivering not having her send through her work for you to prepare. This all seems very reactive.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:22

Ok, I will definitely put it in the charges at the end of the month, the parents haven’t mentioned it, but surely they don’t expect I’d do it for free, last minute during my Sunday for hours

OP posts:
Springcleaninginsummer · 23/10/2023 10:23

What learning has the girl done this weekend? When you see her next ask her to work through a question that you 'helped' her with. I bet she won't be able to do it. You are wasting your own time and her class teacher's tome.

The point of homework is that the child attempts it independently. There is no value in a page of work that an adult did.

junbean · 23/10/2023 10:25

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:13

The parents know and often message me first for help with it, they’re with her and tell her to message me, but there’s been no talk of payment. It’s a bit like online tutoring I suppose. I know the family well
and have babysat her in the past etc. The parents don’t help with the homework as they admit it’s too hard and they don’t have time, they’re happy to throw money at it.

You need to send an invoice for hours worked outside normal times, and set hours when you are available, if you want to be available outside tutoring sessions that is. If not then tell them you aren't available. They are massively taking advantage of you.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:26

@Springcleaninginsummer I don’t do the homework for her, I send a full written explanation with examples etc. To be fair, she did learn as she was able to complete them, first with a couple of mistakes and then all correct-she hadn’t known how to do them previously. So she is gaining from this

OP posts:
junbean · 23/10/2023 10:26

Springcleaninginsummer · 23/10/2023 10:23

What learning has the girl done this weekend? When you see her next ask her to work through a question that you 'helped' her with. I bet she won't be able to do it. You are wasting your own time and her class teacher's tome.

The point of homework is that the child attempts it independently. There is no value in a page of work that an adult did.

You just mansplained what tutoring is to her 😅

rookiemere · 23/10/2023 10:27

You speak to the parents and say you cannot answer questions outside of standard tutoring time.

I don't want to do armchair diagnosis but it seems the DD has some organisational issues. The parents need to be finding ways for the DD to help herself going forward.

SparkyBlue · 23/10/2023 10:27

Are you friends with the parents? I think the lines have become blurred here.

jolaylasofia · 23/10/2023 10:27

she shouldn't have your contact number. you can set up a google shared documents account for her to send the homework