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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Creating boundaries with pupil

171 replies

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 09:53

I do private tutoring and one of my pupils is a 12 year old girl, she’s lovely but very anxious about her homework and getting everything right. I go to her home twice per week at set times to help with her homework.
She’s quite disorganised and often loses text books and doesn’t know when her homework needs to be in by.
A couple of times she has Whatsapped me in a panic, often late at night, because she has realised she has homework to be in the next day. I’ve helped her by going through the work etc, but I’ve said she needs to send me the homework on the day she gets it so that we can go through it during the lessons.
Yesterday afternoon she messaged me in a panic again, with four pages of maths homework, I said to her I was away for the weekend and would be happy to go through it with her tomorrow during our lesson (I wasn’t away, but was having a lazy afternoon doing Halloween crafts & baking with my 5 year old, plus making a roast etc)
She melt whatsapping me saying she’d really appreciate any help at all etc. I felt bad so gave it a couple of hours then started writing out all the explanations for the sums and examples etc. It took me a couple of hours, in between cooking and so on. I sent it all, told her I was doing my Dds bath and bedtime and said we’d go through it further at her lesson tomorrow. I sorted Dd and got into bed later-9 ish and she texted me her answers for me to look at, she did well but some corrections which I had to correct and text back and explain to her etc. This went on for a couple of hours, then she had finished, she was very grateful and thanked me. I’m happy to help her, but not great with boundaries and can find it hard to say no to things.
Dh says I must draw a line on this or if I’m happy to do it, to at least say I want to be paid for it?
Would you expect to be paid for this, would you say no to this?
They pay very well for lessons, I enjoy the job and helping her so don’t want to lose the work, but I’ve never had this situation before
What would you do?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/10/2023 11:14

I wouldn't just spring a bill on them. I would message and say that your contract with them is x hours tutoring a week however you are being increasingly contacted outside of this period. While you're happy to help you want to be clear that you are not on call 24 hour hours a day so any extra help will be at you discretion, when you are available, and will be charged at x per hour billable monthly. And maybe suggest again that the daughter goes through all her homework and sends it to you at a set time so it doesn't get forgotten and make her anxious

Orange67 · 23/10/2023 11:17

YOU need to work on your boundaries. You can't send them an extra bill, you should have not responsed/replied with your working hours. You chose to work outside of your paid hours.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:19

@Orange67 Yes, but surely they wouldn’t have expected me to do all that for free yesterday?

OP posts:
LemonLight · 23/10/2023 11:25

I don't think YABU but you are the adult in this situation and you are responsible to setting boundaries and you've kind of let it get out of control. So it's kind of your fault for not setting boundaries and not saying no. I think you can quite easily rectify the situation though. I wouldn't send a bill but I would immediately (like today) make it clear you're not to be contacted outside your hours otherwise you can't continue tutoring.

cardibach · 23/10/2023 11:29

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:37

@Whitepeacelily I wasn’t consulted either though…one night it was 10 pm, I was relaxing watching Netflix after a long day with my Dd and was expected to send work/help on fractions 😩

Expected? Or asked?
Why can’t you say no? What possible consequences could there be?

Smineusername · 23/10/2023 11:31

I'm a tutor and this is ridiculous. You should not be doing unpaid work and you should not be on call for a 12 year old's homework. That's her parents job. It is bizarre to me that you've been doing this.

Next time she texts: if you are not willing to work, ignore text. If you are, send an estimate (generous) of how long it will take you and get her to check that mum is willing to pay before doing anything. But honestly I'd stop replying outside of lesson times as the way they're treating you is insulting imo. Help your own fucking child with their homework fs

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:34

@cardibach That they find someone who is willing to do the job and I lose my well paid work 😬

OP posts:
ShagratandGorbag4ever · 23/10/2023 11:34

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:19

@Orange67 Yes, but surely they wouldn’t have expected me to do all that for free yesterday?

There is no limit, absolutely none, to some people's expectations. The only effective way to deal with it is to push back immediately and consistently.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:35

How much extra per hour would people charge for the outside hours/last minute/weekends/evenings etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:36

I don’t remember my parents ever helping me organise my homework at 12, I don’t remember receiving as much homework as she does though and it is fairly challenging.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 23/10/2023 11:36

It will be slightly awkward to bill retrospectively for worked hours, I would message/speak to DF directly and say something like this " Lavinia has been contacting me quite a lot outside of my normal paid tutoring hours. Going forward what we can do is build a couple of hours extra support into the weekly pricing, or stick to tutoring times only. Of course outside tutoring time I may not be contactable straight away so will need to be on a best endeavours basis. I've been giving a lot of support over the past weekend, so can we add in 2 hours for that and start the new set up from this week and see how it goes."

waterrat · 23/10/2023 11:37

As someone with ADHD I have to say this was my thought also.

I think if you are happy to be more supportive than a normal tutor just get a clear set of boundaries of what you ARE prepared to do - then charge for every single minute of it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2023 11:38

I wouldn’t have given her my number in the first place. It’s enough for her parents to have it, to cancel, rearrange etc.

Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:39

@MrsSkylerWhite It’s the mums phone and number. I don’t think the child has her own phone, the parents obviously have my number.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:40

@waterrat Yes, definitely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:41

@rookiemere This is a good approach, thank you. I don’t think her Df is aware of much of this as the messages never seem to come when she’s staying with her dad, whether he helps her or says she can’t contact me, I’m not sure.

OP posts:
cardibach · 23/10/2023 11:47

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 11:34

@cardibach That they find someone who is willing to do the job and I lose my well paid work 😬

Is it your only income? Only hope of income? I think that’s unlikely given your skill set. And you aren’t being paid anyway so 🤷‍♀️

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 11:50

I’m an ex teacher and if I get an email then I’d try and respond as helpfully as I could but there’s no way I’d be going through answers like this on the weekend or evening.

As you’ve started it, it does make it harder to stop and instead of going cold turkey and causing her more anxiety, I would just slowly pull back.

When she messages don’t read or reply for a couple of hours or say you are busy.

When you are in your next tutoring session then ask her if she’d like to do her homework.

Then I’d speak to the parents and say there’s not enough time to do both the subject lessons and homework and that you are happy to do an extra half an hour but if they don’t want to pay for this then you’ll only be able to help her with either the homework or curriculum content, not both.

LIZS · 23/10/2023 11:56

And the first port of call when she cannot manage homework should be between her parents and the school, not you. You are helping mask the real issue here and not facilitating her independence or encouraging her confidence to ask teachers for help. If they are separated her df may not know the extent of the problem and how much you are involved.

TheCatterall · 23/10/2023 11:56

Decide what hours and days you are happy to respond to this family.

outside of that time - mute/archive the conversation.

you have to decide what your boundaries are. I will allow some conversation and questions from clients but once it starts taking me over 15 minutes to respond my hourly charge kicks in.

maybe look at an app like Trello or something and get her into the habit of typing up her homework i to something every single day. so her daily task once in from school before anything else is type up her homework and any deadlines.

If you keep swooping in and saving her last minute and at all Hours and days - she never has to learn accountability.

SoySaucePls · 23/10/2023 11:58

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2023 12:00

In which case, tell the parents to have her stop calling you.

Canisaysomething · 23/10/2023 12:01

You are the adult here and this is your business. If there is ambiguity in your terms and conditions then address it ASAP. It shouldn’t be figured out as you go with a 12 year old as a guinea pig.

You’re setting yourself up to fail by handing out your phone number to children, just give it to the adults who are employing you.

Cigarettesandbooze · 23/10/2023 12:01

You need to tot up the extra hours you’ve done since your last payment and let them know. I can understand you’re happy to do it in some ways but of course you need to be paid for it. It should not be awkward to bill retrospectively- you need to value your time. I’d drop the dad a note flagging the additional hours and checking that he is happy for you to advise of anything above and beyond that’s been worked each month so you can be paid accordingly. There should be no discomfort on your part - though as you said you may want to work on getting better at saying no when things don’t suit you.

Canisaysomething · 23/10/2023 12:02

And obviously you can’t bill retrospectively for work instructed by a child! She isn’t even your client, her parents are.