Creating boundaries with pupil

[Soggywetleaves]

I do private tutoring and one of my pupils is a 12 year old girl, she’s lovely but very anxious about her homework and getting everything right. I go to her home twice per week at set times to help with her homework.
She’s quite disorganised and often loses text books and doesn’t know when her homework needs to be in by.
A couple of times she has Whatsapped me in a panic, often late at night, because she has realised she has homework to be in the next day. I’ve helped her by going through the work etc, but I’ve said she needs to send me the homework on the day she gets it so that we can go through it during the lessons.
Yesterday afternoon she messaged me in a panic again, with four pages of maths homework, I said to her I was away for the weekend and would be happy to go through it with her tomorrow during our lesson (I wasn’t away, but was having a lazy afternoon doing Halloween crafts & baking with my 5 year old, plus making a roast etc)
She melt whatsapping me saying she’d really appreciate any help at all etc. I felt bad so gave it a couple of hours then started writing out all the explanations for the sums and examples etc. It took me a couple of hours, in between cooking and so on. I sent it all, told her I was doing my Dds bath and bedtime and said we’d go through it further at her lesson tomorrow. I sorted Dd and got into bed later-9 ish and she texted me her answers for me to look at, she did well but some corrections which I had to correct and text back and explain to her etc. This went on for a couple of hours, then she had finished, she was very grateful and thanked me. I’m happy to help her, but not great with boundaries and can find it hard to say no to things.
Dh says I must draw a line on this or if I’m happy to do it, to at least say I want to be paid for it?
Would you expect to be paid for this, would you say no to this?
They pay very well for lessons, I enjoy the job and helping her so don’t want to lose the work, but I’ve never had this situation before
What would you do?

Hi Op im self employed and this is bonkers

First step. Send a polite email to the parents being clear and honest. Include an invoice for the work you have done outside set hours

State clearly you are not available to help outside the tutor hours going forward. If you want to offer flexibility say you may be available but will need to agree in advance and it will be billed at an hourly rate

This is actually one of the most bonkers things ive read on here and that is sayinf something

You are doing this child no favourite by skivvying for her and you are working woth no boundaries at all.

Send the parent a message saying any help outside of tutor sessions via online will be billed by x amount per 10mins and invoice will be given at the end of the week

You need to put clear boundaries in place. Don't reply at weekends or evenings and have a chat with her parents explaining when your working hours are and how/when you'll respond to these requests. If you start replying outside of normal hours it's a slippery slope and doesn't demonstrate good boundaries to her.

I definitely have an issue with saying no, I’m aware I need to work on this. Although it’s not an ideal situation, given the right pay, I’m willing to do it.
I need to work out charges for working outside of set hours and last minute and present it to them.

Unfortunately, that's often what tutees and their families expect from you. And the student having your contact details has exacerbated the situation. (happens to me too)

Not sure that you'll have a contract saying that you'll have the right to bill for any communication you've willingly entered into above and beyond the contracted lesson hours.

What you need to do is speak to the parents, and establish some rules moving forward. That you'll be prepared to do extra tutoring (in presence, online, or even via WA) but they need to book it in advance, and they will be billed for it.

Tutoring/safeguarding is very different to "normal" teacher/student safeguarding and what you're describing isn't and wouldn't be, a safeguarding issue. (I'm DSL at school)

Good luck!

This exactly.

You need to block her and insist all communication is via parents at appropriate times. Are you charging extra, that might focus their attention. Also perhaps your sessions need to include time management for the week ahead and study skills to avoid last minute crises.

The poster above who suggested putting in organisation strategies above is right.

if she doesn’t send you her homework in day it is set you can’t help her. Ask her parents to support her on this, the poor girl sounds like her parents have just washed their hands of her but they can at least do this one thing.

You are being seriously taken advantage of op

But why do you even respond at 10pm?

You are acting like this girls parent for no reason at all. Puttting aside the money you need to just state clearly you dont want to be contacted outside working hours and wonr be available unless booked in advance

And pls ignore posters who say you cant invoice as it wasnt discussed first ! That is just nonsense. They use your time as a professional the onus is on them to have checked your rate first.

You are neither helping her learn maths, nor helping her learn to plan and be responsible. The kindest thing to do is to learn to say no.

“Sorry, I am not able to help now. I will be happy to go over it on Wednesday.”

To both her and her parents.

You absolutely have to stop this. It's bad for you and it's bad for her too. She doesn't have to learn good time management and work habits because you keep saving her. For a start, she is actually supposed to be doing this work by herself- how are her teachers supposed to know she can't do it? They are just seeing the fact you know how to do it. Her parents also are getting mislead as to how well she is doing and how capable she is. On top of that- this is crazy to work this much for free. Write out a message you can send her each time like "I'd love to help but I can't right now. Have a go and try your best. We can look over it again in our next lesson" and just repeatedly send her that every time she asks.

I can see why they hire you 🙄🙄🙄 work out what your actual hourly rate is and see if you're happy with it

If her mum sees you as the solution to her daughter being so disorganised, instead of getting her daughter to do it properly, there is literally no point. I think you need to cut the cord on this and find someone who pays you for the work you do and doesn't ruin your evening with your kid

I’ve never had this situation before with tutoring and never contacted with work outside hours etc.
I don’t want to go into too many details here, but it’s a different situation, her parents are wealthy and often not present and other issues. Parents are separated and father much more organised and reasonable, he also pays me, so would be the one to approach.

@blahblahblurgh I think without me there to guide at all, she’ll become completely lost, I’m not sure mum will step up to help, she’s hiring me for this reason, to take care of it all. As I say, I do need the work, they do pay well, so as bonkers as the situation is, I’m willing to accept some situations out of the norm, but I want to be paid accordingly in that case.

Are you planning to keep helping her for her remaining years at school?

It sounds like you are doing the homework for her.
She should be attempting her homework on her own first.

Her results are going to give a false impression of what's really going on.
In the long run it won't help her.

If she's 12 and losing books and cannot manage the work in school, AND doesn't know when it's due then she needs an assessment for ADHD or something.

Has she not got a Homework Journal where she write in when the work is due?

This method is only feeding into her anxiety to get everything right.

I think you need to raise with her parents that she needs to be assessed for inattentive adhd - very common in girls and goes missed but mostly shows up at the start of high school when they need their exec functions

Agree with pp this is bonkers.

I likely have undiagnosed adhd and this is how I operated in my school years- last minute panicking/ disorganised. I didn't have any help but had to be accountable for my actions towards gcse/ a levels/ uni. My 8yo daughter is showing very similar traits. This girls sounds similar.

You have to put in the boundaries for both of you- for your own safety if nothing else. I'd explain the difficulties to her parents and say the organisation needs to be in place before the tutoring will work. If you are happy to have some study skills as part of the tutoring - fine but make it official and charge for it - e.g. you have a prep session the day she gets the homework - she then does it and you do another session after she's completed it checking the answers and correcting any wrong answers.

I feel sorry for the girl and she needs help not you enabling the chaos. I say that as someone who is no stranger to chaos!

This is a parenting matter to me, but the parents make lack the skills themselves to organise/ scaffold her.

DH is correct. You need to step back and put some firm boundaries is place.
Tell them you will mute WhatsApp at certain times and won't respond to messages

I'd speak to her parents. It's up to them to organise her or not, as they see fit.

I would expect payment for the extra hours, but I don't see where the safeguarding bit comes in.
Everyone seems to bandy the word 'safeguarding' around as if every situation has possible sinister connotations. This is a tutor helping with homework. Where is the problem?

@Seaweed42 Certainly not doing the homework *For her. She struggles greatly with maths, asks for explanations in class, but obviously the teacher has to teach 16/17 other students (private school) She needs extra reinforcement with it.

She suffered v high anxiety last year and I homeschooled her for a while, I’ve discussed with her mum the possibility of having her assessed (I do see some autistic traits) she dismissed it and seemed quite offended.

@Binkie98 No, I don’t see it as a safeguarding issue either. It’s her mums phone, mum contacts me first, her Dd is given the phone to send work through it her mum does. Mum is fully aware of the situation and facilitates it, has all the messages on her phone etc