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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Creating boundaries with pupil

171 replies

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 09:53

I do private tutoring and one of my pupils is a 12 year old girl, she’s lovely but very anxious about her homework and getting everything right. I go to her home twice per week at set times to help with her homework.
She’s quite disorganised and often loses text books and doesn’t know when her homework needs to be in by.
A couple of times she has Whatsapped me in a panic, often late at night, because she has realised she has homework to be in the next day. I’ve helped her by going through the work etc, but I’ve said she needs to send me the homework on the day she gets it so that we can go through it during the lessons.
Yesterday afternoon she messaged me in a panic again, with four pages of maths homework, I said to her I was away for the weekend and would be happy to go through it with her tomorrow during our lesson (I wasn’t away, but was having a lazy afternoon doing Halloween crafts & baking with my 5 year old, plus making a roast etc)
She melt whatsapping me saying she’d really appreciate any help at all etc. I felt bad so gave it a couple of hours then started writing out all the explanations for the sums and examples etc. It took me a couple of hours, in between cooking and so on. I sent it all, told her I was doing my Dds bath and bedtime and said we’d go through it further at her lesson tomorrow. I sorted Dd and got into bed later-9 ish and she texted me her answers for me to look at, she did well but some corrections which I had to correct and text back and explain to her etc. This went on for a couple of hours, then she had finished, she was very grateful and thanked me. I’m happy to help her, but not great with boundaries and can find it hard to say no to things.
Dh says I must draw a line on this or if I’m happy to do it, to at least say I want to be paid for it?
Would you expect to be paid for this, would you say no to this?
They pay very well for lessons, I enjoy the job and helping her so don’t want to lose the work, but I’ve never had this situation before
What would you do?

OP posts:

Whitepeacelily · 23/10/2023 10:30

Speak to the parents to see if they are happy to pay for support between lessons. If not then you need to set clear boundaries and they have to step up

Weepingskies · 23/10/2023 10:30

I don’t think you can charge unless that’s discussed and agreed in advance. I also think there are potential safeguarding issues with you messaging a child regardless of whose phone number it is. I would stop this arrangement altogether and just limit your contact to agreed tutoring sessions - the boundaries are ao
blurry here that I think it’s problematic for you both.

Original poster

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:30

@jolaylasofia Its her mums phone, she contacts me via that, the mum often messaging first (it’s likely the mum says to contact me I imagine)

OP posts:

readbooksdrinktea · 23/10/2023 10:31

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:22

Ok, I will definitely put it in the charges at the end of the month, the parents haven’t mentioned it, but surely they don’t expect I’d do it for free, last minute during my Sunday for hours

Do you have a rush fee? I'd be billing weekend hours more than normal rate.

BombasticSideEye · 23/10/2023 10:31

I'm pretty sure there is a way to set up WhatsApp as being a business account that will auto respond with an Out Of Office message at certain times. That would be a quick way to put a boundary in place.

eish · 23/10/2023 10:33

Your planning for a standard tutoring session should incorporated in the price. So 1 hour tutoring is eg £50 which includes prep time. However, she is asking for something different and you need to account that for your out of hours. You also need to set boundaries, this calling you in a panic is not helping her organisation skills. It needs to be scheduled and agreed prior.

Original poster

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:33

The mum has asked if I can do it online before, when her Dd has been ill or outside of normal lessons. I don’t really have the set up computer wise and also have an active Dd who would likely keep trying to interrupt. I suppose she sees this as conveying the work/help in a similar way as online tutoring, but again, no talk of extra pay

OP posts:

PastTheGin · 23/10/2023 10:33

Tutoring is supposed to give you extra income, not extra work!
If they pay for 2 sessions a week you don’t do more than that, or they need to pay more. No more messaging for ad-hoc help unless they agree to pay for it first.

Whitepeacelily · 23/10/2023 10:35

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:22

Ok, I will definitely put it in the charges at the end of the month, the parents haven’t mentioned it, but surely they don’t expect I’d do it for free, last minute during my Sunday for hours

You can't charge without asking if they would be happy to do this. Before doing the work, you should have asked. They might not agree to paying extra in which case don't do it again but you shouldn't charge for the last lot of help as they weren't consulted were they?

JosaihMyTable · 23/10/2023 10:35

I would say that as a priority when you next visit her home you help implement a system so she doesn't lose books and knows when homework is due in. For us that was wooden magazine files with days of the week on, bag emptied every day and the books from that day filed into the next day they have that lesson.

There was a noticeboard with their timetable pinned to it to reference for which day they next had maths or physics. There was also a section on the noticeboard divided into days of the week. Homework was written onto precut pieces of paper inlcuding the date it was due in and then pinned to the day it was due in. Easy to see how much homework there was and what was the priority. The paper was different colours and if something was urgent it was written onto a red piece of paper.

This hopefully sets them up for success. It really worked for my children. As for the extra hours you need to work out what is acceptable to you and charge for those hours you do spend helping her.

Cosyblankets · 23/10/2023 10:36

I’ve said she needs to send me the homework on the day she gets it so that we can go through it during the lessons.

I think this is where you went wrong. Why does she need to send you anything? Why can't you just show her when you get there.
Bill the parents for the time it's taking you or don't do it.
To be honest if she's causing that much hassle i would let her go.

jolaylasofia · 23/10/2023 10:37

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:30

@jolaylasofia Its her mums phone, she contacts me via that, the mum often messaging first (it’s likely the mum says to contact me I imagine)

oh i see we'll then it's mom that needs talking to. As for sending detailed explanations- no! She isn't listening in class and making notes if she needs that. Besides any explanation can be given during your tutoring time.

LoserWinner · 23/10/2023 10:37

I wonder if her teachers know that she’s only getting good marks because you are helping her so much? You can’t go into exams with her and walk her through each question, so she’s likely to do badly if she can’t complete work without this level of help.

Original poster

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:37

@Whitepeacelily I wasn’t consulted either though…one night it was 10 pm, I was relaxing watching Netflix after a long day with my Dd and was expected to send work/help on fractions 😩

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 10:37

You need to speak to her parents about this and explain that you are not in a position to do hours of work that is a) unpaid and b) thrown at you at the last minute when you have other commitments.

This is for them to sort out with their daughter. Your contract is with them and you need to be clear on what is and isn't included in your tutoring service. If they are paying you by the hour, you need to tell them that if their child needs additional support outside of those paid-for hours, the parents must agree to be billed for that time. If you're able to help at short notice, then great, that's a couple of hours extra money for you. But if you're not able to, then you can choose to decline the extra work and payment.

jolaylasofia · 23/10/2023 10:38

Cosyblankets · 23/10/2023 10:36

I’ve said she needs to send me the homework on the day she gets it so that we can go through it during the lessons.

EXACTLY

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 23/10/2023 10:38

The question is are you happy to do the extra work (for pay) or would yoh rather not do it.

if not, then simply say that all work needs to wait until the scheduled time.

if you are, you need to contact the mum today and say that for information unscheduled work you will endeavour to do, but cannot always be guaranteed and is at a rate of x per hour (which should be more than your standard tutoring rate!). Therefore the invoice for support this weekend is £xxx. And will ge added to the bill at the end of the month.

That way mum can decide if she is happy going forwards to pay that, or support her daughter herself.

Namerequired · 23/10/2023 10:38

You need to set serious boundaries in place. I see you say the mum knows. If that is definitely the case then the mum should have been asking you if it suits and offering the payment. Then if you’re happy to do it, do so. But you have to be paid, and it shouldn’t be going through the daughter. It’s also all seems a bit much tbh. Do you think the parents will be happy to pay for regular walk through of homework?
You need to speak to the mum, not the child and establish something going forward. You need to protect your time and your income. They might pay well, but if they think all the inbetweens are freebies then it’s not so good.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/10/2023 10:38

What was your original agreement regarding tutoring and payment? I’d go back to that first then re contract with the parents based on what you can reasonably offer/want to offer and the payment for any additional support outside formal tutoring sessions. I’d also think about how much lesson planning you include in your session fee and charge an additional amount of short notice changes mean additional prep time.

If you calculate your hourly rate based on what you’re actually spending time wise, it won’t be great so you need to set some professional boundaries and be less available.

Namerequired · 23/10/2023 10:40

They probably also don’t have a clue how much work it actually takes. They are likely thinking it’s a short explanation and then a short check correct. It’s likely they aren’t considering the prep as as pp suggested that’s usually covered in the normal tutoring.

Rocksonabeach · 23/10/2023 10:41

Right so you need to email the parents:

all contact must be through them and not pupil direct to you - in fact she must not have your number. They need to delete all messages and contact details from her phone - all contact is through the parent direct
messages from them must be within normal working hours 9-5 pm Monday to Friday
messages outside of normal tutoring sessions must only be of an emergency nature
homework support will be within tutoring sessions only although if she has struggled with a homework she is welcome to start the session off by producing said homework for some starting points
that if they want more sessions this is subject to availability and not a right
that you need a work life balance and you have your own family and that comes first

explain the impact as per your initial post and also suggest that she needs counselling for her anxiety - you are a tutor during set hours not a 24/7 hotline.

kind regards

My daughter who is 16 tutors about 5 times a week - she only communicates to the parent never the child and never out of those hours.

eish · 23/10/2023 10:42

You shouldn’t be preparing king documents of examples. If you do agree with advice support then have an online session and tell her how to solve the problems. No prep required and she does the main work, not you. Charge more for ad hoc sessions and state never after 8pm and not Sundays (as an example).

I also don’t know why you helped her when you told her you were away. If you say you are not available you are not available.

Original poster

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:44

I asked her to send me the homework she receives ahead of time so that I can prepare the lessons with extra examples to go through etc.
She really struggles with maths and has tests coming up soon and has asked for support with revising etc

How much extra per hour would you put if it’s last minute/weekend/outside normal working hours?

I do need the money so I’m ok to do it occasionally, but obviously only paid! I don’t want to rock the boat and risk losing the work to someone who perhaps would be more than willing it do it, given the current financial climate.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 10:45

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:37

@Whitepeacelily I wasn’t consulted either though…one night it was 10 pm, I was relaxing watching Netflix after a long day with my Dd and was expected to send work/help on fractions 😩

You are only being 'expected' to this because you keep agreeing to it, FFS!!

Stop being so bloody wet about this. Tutoring is your business, ffs, these people aren't your friends. You don't have to do anything you're not being paid for. You need to have clear terms set out with the parents that explains what they get for the money they pay you and what they don't, and how much extra they need to pay if they want ad-hoc services from you.

For all this kid's parents know, you could have been at the cinema or asleep or driving or something at 10pm at night, with your phone muted. They are letting their daughter message you on the off-chance that you're available.. You do not have to BE available.

Cosyblankets · 23/10/2023 10:46

Soggywetleaves · 23/10/2023 10:37

@Whitepeacelily I wasn’t consulted either though…one night it was 10 pm, I was relaxing watching Netflix after a long day with my Dd and was expected to send work/help on fractions 😩

Just don't reply

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