To ask DD(11) to have THE talk with DS(13)?

[DeceitfulMummy]

DD (11) has been suspicious of Father Christmas for a couple of years now. We are now not sure about DS(13) who has ASD. He certainly seems to believe in the tooth fairy based on yesterday morning when he concluded she couldn't get through because of the bad weather. We thought he'd figured it out, so this upset took us rather by surprise.

DC are not in a UK school (so there has been no Santa gossip at primary) and DS started secondary this year. WIBTotallyU to confirm DD's suspicions and ask her to say something to DS before he starts mentioning it at school?

You should tell dd but I'm not sure why you want her rather to tell ds rather than do that job yourself ? Is he likely to react negatively or come straight to you for confirmation? I think that you should tell ds.

You cant put that on your other child, sorry.

No it needs to come from you.

I'd have 'the chat' with both of them together. It's your job not either of theirs.

If you think dd knows and she wants confirmation then by all means give her the truth (but only if she wants that confirmation), but telling ds is your responsibility and in no way should you expect one child to take that responsibility!

You can't ask your 11 year old daughter to parent your 13 year old son, c'mon.

I am bemused why you don't think its your job to tell him?

Bonkers! But relieved not THE talk I feared you meant!

There are several versions of the Santa's being everyone story online, basically they say when you grow up, you are confused and then wonder about the story, then realise that the spirit if Santa's lives in everyone.

I'm just shocked that they've got to the ages they have without disbelieving in Father Christmas.

Think mine were about 7/8 when they figured it out. My younger ones never believed at all.

This sort of thing, adapt it for your kids to understand if necessary
https://www.boredpanda.com/telling-kids-about-santa/

I thought it would be easier for him coming from her. Obviously I would then confirm if he came to me.

You need to tell them both yourself. You cannot let a child go to secondary school believing. If you think they won’t react well then tell them separately on the same day so neither gets the chance to tell the other. Speak to your daughter first and ask her not to mention to her brother until you have had a chance to speak to him.

I’m surprised you think an 11 year old should be dealing with this. She is his sibling - not a parent.

Mother with ASD here. Why not give him the talk yourself. The best way to ease children into it is to say parents usually give the presents or pennies.

See, this is exactly why I think parents should not lie about things like this. Some kids are ok when they realise its a lie and others it causes a real blow to their trust and relationship with their parents. If you need to think of it in terms of 'The Talk' you should never have set this situation up in the first place. No-one likes to find out they have been lied to after all.

As I tell my kids, if you lie to me some of the time, I never know if I can believe you any of the time.

Kids with ASD are particular vulnerable to this. I do know another parent who sent her ASD kid off to secondary school still believing in Santa.

You don't need to believe in Santa to have the 'magic of Xmas', I can't ever remember believing, and I still have lovely memories of how magical Xmas was.

Be prepared for devastation. My DD’s friend with ASD was told about elves, tooth fairy and Santa in one go and was distraught. Her mum did it as she was going into secondary and she didn’t want her to be teased.

Same here !

You're the parent Op , it's your job.

You should tell them both. My first thought was to wait until after Christmas but your son is in high school now and will probably be talking about it with friends in the run up to Christmas so I think you need to tell him to avoid embarrassment.

@BlankTimes that idea of getting kids to become santa is sooooo lovely. Thanks for sharing that ❤

I love this.

Your child is about to find out you've been lying to him. That can be quite problematic for children with autism. Better it come from you as a) he's likely to be upset and b) he may need you to explain why and reassure him about whether other stuff he believes is true or not.

Tell him what about Santa?? What's there to be suspicious about?

@Flyingthroughtrees yes, well I can't turn back time, can I? We had several Christmases before he got a diagnosis. I personally don't think anyone ever factors in a future ASD diagnosis when they're deciding how to celebrate Christmas with their baby/toddler. We simply celebrated how our families had always done.

I don't think you need to tell him quite so bluntly that Santa isn't real, as your concern is his getting teased, rather than believing it. If you warn him that kids at school will be starting to no longer believe in him and that he might be teased if he talks about Santa, won't that be enough for him to know to not bring it up?

I don't think you should be worried that he hasn't clocked yet. ASD kids are emotionally younger and can be a bit naive. He will figure it out in his own time - it'll just take longer.

Maybe just explain to him that some people don't believe, that you are not sure yourself if you believe. It might start a conversation with him engageing in some critical thinking and he might come to the conlusion himself that he doesn't believe. Either way, it won't shock him then when he realises that nobody else at school still believes.

I think him being autistic makes the whole situation much harder because he has a need to trust what you are saying (everyone does really) so you need to be prepared for a negative reaction from him.