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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want bill splitting sorted out in advance?

119 replies

MrsBonkers · 23/10/2023 02:47

Going out for meal to celebrate someone’s birthday. They are not in a position to pay for everyone. Unsure of financial position of other people.

3 x couples
1 couple plus child
1 couple plus 3 children
14 in total

Essentially everyone needs to pay for themselves/ their family.
They think it will all work out fine on the night. I think a quick message on the group text will save any confusion/ awkwardness on the night and give us a chance to warn waitress to bill separately.
AIBU And how can I suggest they word it?

OP posts:
ActDottie · 23/10/2023 08:53

DuploTrain · 23/10/2023 07:06

I split the bill every time I go out. You just give them your card and say “Can I pay £55 please”. And then the next person gives them their card and says how much they want to pay.

This. I don’t think giving the waiter/waitress notice makes any difference.

CornishGem1975 · 23/10/2023 08:59

DuploTrain · 23/10/2023 07:06

I split the bill every time I go out. You just give them your card and say “Can I pay £55 please”. And then the next person gives them their card and says how much they want to pay.

That's how we generally always do it too. Work out from the bill what you've had, and pay for it.

MarkWithaC · 23/10/2023 09:00

Not really the point, but I think everyone else should cover the birthday person’s bill between them.
I’d send a message to all except the birthday person: ‘Re: Sat night, I take it we’re all treating X? So will split their bill 13 ways and add it to our own personal/family amount. See you then!’

Lose10kyesterday · 23/10/2023 09:02

MarkWithaC · 23/10/2023 09:00

Not really the point, but I think everyone else should cover the birthday person’s bill between them.
I’d send a message to all except the birthday person: ‘Re: Sat night, I take it we’re all treating X? So will split their bill 13 ways and add it to our own personal/family amount. See you then!’

I was going to say the same about treating the birthday person and I think your wording there is absolutely perfect. Clear and succinct and there's no room for you paying for CFs ordering lobster whilst you have crab sticks.

BotanicalNames · 23/10/2023 09:18

Make sure everyone pays their share of the service charge too as the card reader goes around the table, or the last person will be hit for all of it!

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2023 09:20

It's normal these days, most people pay for themselves. I eat out a lot and no restaurant has had an issue.

Catspyjamas17 · 23/10/2023 09:31

We split one in half recently which was pretty easy for the waitress.

Where it is a pain is where there is a large group who don't know each other so well. Best to get some arrangement sorted before you all get drunk or someone buggers off without paying, or without leaving enough cash.

With a family or close group we tend to just split it two ways or one person pays and money is transferred.

Cumbrianlife · 23/10/2023 09:35

I have a huge family that eat out regularly together. We pay at the bar for drinks (this is easily the biggest cause of confusion). Afterwards each family just pays their food portion off at the bar/till. I've never had a problem and it's easy to remember what you've eaten.

NowYouSee · 23/10/2023 09:37

I think people are conflating a few issues. Certainly it is sensible to make sure everyone is going in clear on people should pay their own way, this isn’t a 4 way split etc. And certainly the restaurant will be fine for people to pay different amounts - I’m paying cash 30, he is 40 card, she is 50 card. But that is keeping the admin and negotiating within the table.

It is a different matter to expect the restaurant to run multiple different bills and you are only presented with the one with your food and drink on. If you’re relying on the restaurant to do all the admin I would phone, speak to the manager and make sure that this is something they can and will do for you.

Meeting · 23/10/2023 09:44

People are confusing splitting the payment between multiple cards and getting completely separate bills.

Pretty much all restaurants will let you pay one bill using multiple cards. Not many will bring 4-5 separate bills to one table.

There's a difference, the first one you are doing all the working out and telling the waitress how much you'd like to pay on each card. The second makes their job much more difficult.

warriorofhopelessness · 23/10/2023 09:47

HoppingPavlova · 23/10/2023 03:50

Will the restaurant do that though? Probably less than 10% of restaurants I go to will split bills. In this day/age they expect you to sort it between yourselves, not make work for them. Previously everyone would just slap cash down on the bill plate (whether it be equally split or pay for what you had), but now someone offers and everyone just pings them the money, it’s instant as electronic, and that person pays by card while not being out of pocket at all. Easy done.

I’ve been in two restaurants recently, one with a large party and the other smaller. Restaurant had no problem splitting the bill.

AnonyLonnymouse · 23/10/2023 10:08

The only way I have ever seen this work perfectly at a large group meal was to have a set menu (which everyone paid for in advance) then you each paid for drinks as you ordered them. The waitress came around with a card machine and you paid before she went away to get each drink. It felt a bit clunky at first but actually worked really well.

Could you do a set menu?

Miyagi99 · 23/10/2023 10:12

AnonyLonnymouse · 23/10/2023 10:08

The only way I have ever seen this work perfectly at a large group meal was to have a set menu (which everyone paid for in advance) then you each paid for drinks as you ordered them. The waitress came around with a card machine and you paid before she went away to get each drink. It felt a bit clunky at first but actually worked really well.

Could you do a set menu?

A set menu would be no different, people just need to remember what they ate!

TempName247 · 23/10/2023 10:16

Send a message ‘hi, can I just check do people prefer to split the bill equally or just pay for what we eat and are we treating the birthday person?’

MaggieFS · 23/10/2023 10:23

I'm not sure what your role in this is, therefore it's hard to word perfectly.

Did the person whose birthday it is do the inviting? Is there a possible expectation that someone (birthday person/ their partner?) will pay for all?

Whichever, it's far better to resolve now that on the day.

'Morning all, just to clarify that due to the range of numbers and ages, it will be fairest for each family to pay their own share'.

Then if the restaurant won't do separate bills, then at least no one will be surprised when someone gets out a phone to do the calculations!

Tempnamechng · 23/10/2023 10:25

We just calculate the bill plus a tip by number of people, so if there are say 20 of us we split the bill by 20 people. (For easiness) the bill plus tip is £20, I pay £4 for my family, my dad pays £2 for him and mum, my grandma pays £1, my sister pays £5 for her 5 etc etc. You might want to treat drinks differently if there are children.

kingkongs · 23/10/2023 10:27

Exactly this - I've never been anywhere where they've refused to do this either.

I think the PP meant that the restaurant won't issue a separate bill for each person/couple. They're happy for you to pay separately but expect you to work out how much you owe.

Zwicky · 23/10/2023 10:30

“Not sure if they will bill us separately or not but we are cutting back on our spending atm so we will be paying for what we order plus tip rather than splitting. Happy to chip in to treat Simon as it’s his birthday though.”
Take cash. Including change, and work out what your bill is before they bring it so you can plonk your share down before anyone suggests “right, that’s £90 each then”. order drinks from the bar and make sure you stump up for the add ons like bottled water and olives that people always think aren’t really theirs.

AnonyLonnymouse · 23/10/2023 10:35

@Miyagi99
The set menu did help because everyone had paid their £30 in advance (it was a cheaper and simpler time!) so there was absolutely no quibble about who had eaten which dishes.

PinkRoses1245 · 23/10/2023 10:37

But it's not your birthday / meal? Surely it should come from the organiser? And i think it's totally normal to just add up what you had and ask to pay "£xx"

hulahooper2 · 23/10/2023 10:43

Why not split between 5 couples , 4 kids won’t eat drink/much and cost is split over the 5 couples

FerretFarago · 23/10/2023 10:46

Why not contact the restaurant beforehand and find out their preferred way of splitting bills, then let people know.

Everyone needs to be on board beforehand so no CFs with lobster and vintage champagne subsidised by the family with children eating child meals.

StrawBeretMoose · 23/10/2023 10:52

I’ve been to plenty of restaurants that won’t split the bill and it says so on the menu.

It’s better to avoid awkwardness at the end of a good meal by ensuring that people know they are paying for their own, and agreeing that the birthday person’s meal is covered if all are happy to split it amongst the adults.

Seaweed42 · 23/10/2023 10:54

Nice bit of ingrained sexism to presume the wait staff is a waitress.
Anyway....

Not sure I'd post it in the group chat.

If it's a family thing then one family member private messages another family member saying 'let's each pay for our own family, then we can let them know in advance we'll go up to the till and pay, is that fair?'

The situation already sounds sensitive because it sounds like someone has gotten stung for paying for everyone before, or foolishly offered to and nobody said anything.

Mavissdaviss · 23/10/2023 10:56

There is no way of wording that text that doesn’t say ‘just to be clear I am not paying for this’. Are you an over-thinker or do people invited have a tendency to expect to be paid for ? If so, don’t have dinner with them or take them to nandos where you pay at the til first!

I can’t imagine ever expecting to be paid for. For the last 25 years, my dad has always paid the bill in restaurants because he is very wealthy (and he’s usually chosen somewhere expensive) but not once have DH or I not offered to pay. He won’t accept but he appreciates the offer and appreciates that we always buy coffees or a round of drinks etc and go all out when we host him