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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my wife is alcohol dependent

82 replies

1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:11

We're in our 50's we have both worked our arses off and raised beautiful kids who are doing amazingly well. Wife is great she's an amazing mum, she's funny. sexy, intelligent. I love spending time with her. So far so good but she likes drinking, not day drinking or getting off her face drunk but come 6 o'clock she'll be opening the wine and will get through 2 bottles, not every night but maybe every second night.. I worked away for a few days and she spent the whole time in the house. She's has a sports car/limitless budget for clothes etc. i don't think im doing anything wrong but she's not happy either

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 22/10/2023 23:13

You lost me at sports car and clothes budget?

Anyway, if you think she's drink dependant have you tried talking to her about it?

Unless she accepts it and wants to change, there's nothing you can do.

Original poster
1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:17

I know I sound like a dick. She picked the car and she's hardly even driven it

OP posts:
PumkinPetra · 22/10/2023 23:20

8 bottles of wine a week is 80 units. Two bottles in one go is a massive amount. Youre right to be concerned

Original poster
1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:31

PumkinPetra · 22/10/2023 23:20

8 bottles of wine a week is 80 units. Two bottles in one go is a massive amount. Youre right to be concerned

Thank you I know she's drinking too much but it's hard to say no to her. I just want her to be happy

OP posts:
Icopewhenihope · 22/10/2023 23:33

That’s a huge consumption, you have every tight to be concerned.

CopperLion · 22/10/2023 23:34

Two bottles alone in one night sounds like a problem, yes. What’s the relevance of the car/clothes? I’m not sure I follow that part.

Original poster
1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:37

I'll admit that I buy the wine for her… she wants it and I'll do anything for her.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 22/10/2023 23:40

Talk to her about it?

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/10/2023 23:40

Does she drink more when you're not there?

To be honest, your last post about buying her wine because you'll do anything for her, just makes me think this isn't real. Why would you do that?

ValerieDoonican · 22/10/2023 23:41

Escalating alcohol consumption is not the path to happiness, as I'm sure you both know. But surely she isn't asking you for permission to drink or for the money to buy it?

If you vare about her as much as you say, express your concern for sure, but don't presume you can get her to stop, you can't.

However if as some of your comments suggest, she is stuck in a subordinate role in the marriage with you calling the shots and doling out the cash to try to 'keep her sweet', maybe you should ask yourself if you would enjoy being in that role yourself, and if perhaps she is actually unhappy with her situation.

Original poster
1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:46

I love her and if she wants a few drinks that's ok im scared that she's gone over the edge now. And maybe im to blame because i facilitated this because I wanted an easy life

OP posts:
PickAChew · 22/10/2023 23:52

1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:17

I know I sound like a dick. She picked the car and she's hardly even driven it

Probably a good thing if she's had 20 units of alcohol the night before.

Original poster
1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:55

I know I deserve an ass kicking but my wife isn't consuming anything like 20 units a night

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 22/10/2023 23:57

You're not to blame.

You might be able to help her, but only if she wants to be helped. Helping might involve changing the dynamic of the marriage, which will take both of you to do together, if that turns out to be needed. (we know far too little about what is going on to say anything more about that .)

But the drinking is being done by her, she is the only one with the power to stop it

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 00:00

1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:55

I know I deserve an ass kicking but my wife isn't consuming anything like 20 units a night

Well a bottle of wine is 10 units, so if she is drinking 2 bottles…

Original poster
1995boy · 23/10/2023 00:01

ValerieDoonican · 22/10/2023 23:57

You're not to blame.

You might be able to help her, but only if she wants to be helped. Helping might involve changing the dynamic of the marriage, which will take both of you to do together, if that turns out to be needed. (we know far too little about what is going on to say anything more about that .)

But the drinking is being done by her, she is the only one with the power to stop it

Thank you. It's a mess right now but I love my wife and we're going to get through this

OP posts:
Jk987 · 23/10/2023 00:05

When you say you facilitate it, do you mean she has no money of her own and you pay for everything and do the shopping? If you didn't buy wine one night, wouldn't she just get it herself?

Original poster
1995boy · 23/10/2023 00:14

Jk987 · 23/10/2023 00:05

When you say you facilitate it, do you mean she has no money of her own and you pay for everything and do the shopping? If you didn't buy wine one night, wouldn't she just get it herself?

She has her own money and her own car but I think she's a bit depressed, she would rather stay in the house and I'll cal her when I'm on my way home and ask her what she wants and it's always wine or gin

OP posts:
Theresit · 23/10/2023 00:22

Stop buying the alcohol- it’s like being a feeder. Stop phoning her on the way home- just “forget” , and if she asks just “forget” to buy anything.
See what her response is, then have a frank discussion about her alcohol dependency.

Original poster
1995boy · 23/10/2023 00:26

Thanks that's what I should do

OP posts:
unvillage · 23/10/2023 00:29

1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:55

I know I deserve an ass kicking but my wife isn't consuming anything like 20 units a night

Some nights she is, if she's drinking 2 bottles? Wine tends to be 10 units. It's not likely she'll be fit to drive the next morning after that.

Original poster
1995boy · 23/10/2023 00:33

She never drives at all.her car is 2 years and had less than 5000 miles

OP posts:
Original poster
1995boy · 23/10/2023 00:40

So weird that my wife , with an alcohol problem, is getting a kicking even though me, as a man has admitted to facilitating her and buying her alcohol . I've even said that I think she's depressed and that I've bought her alcohol because it makes my life easier

OP posts:
TicketyBoo11 · 23/10/2023 00:54

The Alcohol Experiment-Annie Grace. Excellent..but this is for her, not you. For you..If there’s no booze in the house, she can’t drink it..simple as. Stop buying it for an easy life..if she wants to drink she can go out and buy it herself. You’ll soon see what the real situation is. Your wife has a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol but the penny has to drop for her…

Blueberrycreampie · 23/10/2023 00:56

Could you try taking her out somewhere eg the theatre or cinema that doesn't involve alcohol. Spend time with her, talk to her.