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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my wife is alcohol dependent

82 replies

1995boy · 22/10/2023 23:11

We're in our 50's we have both worked our arses off and raised beautiful kids who are doing amazingly well. Wife is great she's an amazing mum, she's funny. sexy, intelligent. I love spending time with her. So far so good but she likes drinking, not day drinking or getting off her face drunk but come 6 o'clock she'll be opening the wine and will get through 2 bottles, not every night but maybe every second night.. I worked away for a few days and she spent the whole time in the house. She's has a sports car/limitless budget for clothes etc. i don't think im doing anything wrong but she's not happy either

OP posts:
MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister · 25/10/2023 08:38

You're enabling this situation, by buying it. Yes, she could go and get her own, but you've said yourself, you buy it when she's asks because you just want her to be happy. Stop enabling this, and talk to her.

Gnomegnomegnome · 25/10/2023 08:47

Would she get it anyway if you didn’t buy it?
Do you ever say no? What happens then?

Miyagi99 · 25/10/2023 09:13

Can’t you do things in the evening that don’t involve alcohol? She sounds bored and opening a bottle has turned into a habit.

Wolfiefan · 25/10/2023 09:22

Sadly you can’t “get her back to herself”. Only she can do that. And even then only if she really really wants to stop drinking. For her. Not for you. Al Anon can help families.

OceanicBoundlessness · 25/10/2023 09:45

I think what I would do it's stop buying it (just stop asking)

Try to book a break away somewhere that will involve less alcohol being available.. give you both a break from the stress of your normal environment and it will disrupt the pattern in a gentle way. That ,6pm time can become a bit of Pavlov's dog thing thinking it's time for a treat to wind down after a stressful day, so not doing your usual things will stop that.

Start to suggest and plan nice things for on an evening - join a nice spa, go for walks, maybe you need to start a little health kick for yourself.

Original poster
1995boy · 27/10/2023 00:39

CampsieGlamper · 25/10/2023 08:24

Alcohol abuse in the "middle classes", wine not buckfast, malt whisky not cheap cider, cognac not lambrusco is a huge problem which is not tackled with sufficient research, help and support.
It may be because the violence, anti social behaviour and toxic lives are less obvious and better suppressed. By all involved.

My wife went to AA a few times and was basically laughed out because she wasn't drinking vodka or cheap lager every day. She always had to deal with a lot of sexual innuendo and creepy guys trying to get next to her. No wonder she's not going back to that

OP posts:
lizkt · 27/10/2023 01:03

That doesn't sound right at all. I wouldn't believe what she says about AA.

Addicts can be very manipulative and will say things to avoid going to recovery meetings.

momager1 · 27/10/2023 02:56

OP. I am an alcoholic. I am in recovery now and I can say that YES AA has a bunch of men that prey on the women. HOWEVER after a few creeps bothered me I found a womens group. There are TONS of them. Also NEVER was my addiction laughed at because it was limited to wine!! There are so many women in my age group that ONLY drink wine. I still do have the odd drink , but never wine and I am good with ONE drink now like a pina colada or a margarita (I live in the tropics and they are EVERYWHERE) But I know that picking up that first glass of wine will be the end of my moderation lifestyle. Stop enabling her. If she wants wine , she goes out and gets it herself. Get yourself to Al Anon , It saved my husband's sanity. He is fine with me having a drink now as it is rare, like maybe once a month when we are out for a beach day, and those drinks I am good with one then on to water or a soft drink. Wine,, well one wine and I fall into a vat of it for weeks. Not good.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/10/2023 08:30

1995boy · 25/10/2023 00:04

We have a business and we're equal partners, she earns more than me tho

Sorry…what? You sound borderline obsequious about your wife. It’s all weird.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/10/2023 08:33

1995boy · 27/10/2023 00:39

My wife went to AA a few times and was basically laughed out because she wasn't drinking vodka or cheap lager every day. She always had to deal with a lot of sexual innuendo and creepy guys trying to get next to her. No wonder she's not going back to that

Show quote history

This isn’t true. Either she or you are lying.

Minfilia · 27/10/2023 08:34

1995boy · 27/10/2023 00:39

My wife went to AA a few times and was basically laughed out because she wasn't drinking vodka or cheap lager every day. She always had to deal with a lot of sexual innuendo and creepy guys trying to get next to her. No wonder she's not going back to that

Show quote history

I suspect she is being dishonest.

Nobody would be laughed out of an AA meeting for drinking 80 units a week!

But the fact she went there in the first place shows that you both know she has a problem…

3luckystars · 27/10/2023 08:34

She IS an alcoholic.

AgnesX · 27/10/2023 08:43

1995boy · 23/10/2023 00:40

So weird that my wife , with an alcohol problem, is getting a kicking even though me, as a man has admitted to facilitating her and buying her alcohol . I've even said that I think she's depressed and that I've bought her alcohol because it makes my life easier

Oh right, so buying her booze is to make your life easier???? Don't understand how that works. At all.

You need to address her depression if that's what it is. Either way you need to sit down sober and discuss what's going on and then seek professional help.

Name99 · 27/10/2023 08:48

1995boy · 27/10/2023 00:39

My wife went to AA a few times and was basically laughed out because she wasn't drinking vodka or cheap lager every day. She always had to deal with a lot of sexual innuendo and creepy guys trying to get next to her. No wonder she's not going back to that

Show quote history

Yeah that's not true, but alcoholics do have a million excuses as to why the available help doesn't work for them.
She can do online AA meetings.

Apossum · 27/10/2023 08:56

1995boy · 27/10/2023 00:39

My wife went to AA a few times and was basically laughed out because she wasn't drinking vodka or cheap lager every day. She always had to deal with a lot of sexual innuendo and creepy guys trying to get next to her. No wonder she's not going back to that

Show quote history

My (very, very strong) suspicion would be that she is lying. As has been mentioned, addicts are liars and it sounds like your wife is addicted to alcohol. That being said, I think it’s strange that you’ve gone from questioning your wife’s drinking to saying maybe she has a problem to saying she’s been to AA previously…

Touty · 27/10/2023 09:04

look into the Sinclair method and naltrexone - the aim is to rewire the brain from craving.

Oldthyme · 27/10/2023 09:15

Theresit · 23/10/2023 00:22

Stop buying the alcohol- it’s like being a feeder. Stop phoning her on the way home- just “forget” , and if she asks just “forget” to buy anything.
See what her response is, then have a frank discussion about her alcohol dependency.

Have you seen those USA programmes on telly “My 600lb life?” Morbidly obese people who eat and eat until it nearly kills them? They are so bed bound that they invariably have a “feeder” who brings unhealthy food to them.

YOU are being a feeder.

Stop it. As above, just forget to bring alcohol into the house. It may cause a row or 2 but seems like your situation needs airing and forgetting might just be the catalyst for change. You are helping to drive your wife down the liver damage route. That can kill her.

TallulahBetty · 27/10/2023 09:24

Don't buy her alcohol. Let her get it herself.

TallulahBetty · 27/10/2023 09:26

1995boy · 27/10/2023 00:39

My wife went to AA a few times and was basically laughed out because she wasn't drinking vodka or cheap lager every day. She always had to deal with a lot of sexual innuendo and creepy guys trying to get next to her. No wonder she's not going back to that

Show quote history

Yeah, no, she is lying.

ellie09 · 27/10/2023 09:44

I would definitely say to follow the advice and do not buy any more alcohol for the house or for her.

When I was wanting to cut down, I purposely told my family and friends for Christmas, birthdays etc NOT to buy me any wine. One year for Christmas I got 12 bottles in total and it just engaged this behavior as it was in the house. The following year I received only 1 bottle, from an extended family member who was not aware.

It doesn't mean she will stop but it will make it significantly harder for her to obtain that level of alcohol (for example, she may already be a bottle deep and can't drive to a shop)

It WILL cause arguments but slowly killing the love of your life is worse

PunchyJudy · 27/10/2023 09:48

My sister has just completed two years sober after being an alcoholic. There’s lots of things I learned from being related to an addict and the most important are the three cs.

you didn’t cause it
you can’t control it
you can’t cure it

you have to let them get to rock bottom. This is incredibly hard. My husband and I had lots of rows about her because he wanted to cure. Gently tell her you think she’s drinking too much. Tell her you’re there to help. Repeat to fade.

your wife will lie and lie and lie. Do anything to not be away from her crutch.
as my sister said, she thought stopping drinking would solve all her problems. And obviously it didn’t.

She ended ended up at residential rehab for six weeks which cost of fortune. Even that is not a cure.

I found Al anon for relatives of addicts incredibly good. Only one meeting and it was perfect.

PunchyJudy · 27/10/2023 09:50

on lying about going to alcoholics, anonymous meetings is part of the script to be honest.

She also made up an email she sent to a local alcohol treatment place but never sent it. I rang them up and (they didn’t realise I could hear) when they said they’ve never heard of her

PunchyJudy · 27/10/2023 09:52

@1995boy she told you about the guys coming onto her to make sure that you don’t want her to go.

DRS1970 · 27/10/2023 09:58

I used to drink that much. It turned out I was self medicating so to speak to manage depression. So just wondered if that might be something to consider too. GL

Elieza · 27/10/2023 10:09

I’m sorry but it could be you. You come across as nice and caring but sometimes that can mask the truth. So no offence, I’m being honest as I don’t know you.

She might just not want to be with you anymore more and doesn’t know how to split because you are in running your own company and she needs the money and a nice house/standard of living.

She’s been through a bunch of stuff that she’s not ready to talk about. Traumatised from it. Probably menopausal. Maybe doesn’t really want sex but puts out to shut you up and keep the peace as you are controlling her and she can’t afford to mess things up for financial reasons?

Do you read her emails?

Do you quiz her when she goes out about what she’s wearing as you think it’s too sexy, ask were there guys there? Ask Did she talk to guys…Etc?

PS She can’t drive much as she’s always over the limit. So don’t encourage her.

Id suggest you don’t buy her booze, don’t read her emails or texts, don’t initiate sex, encourage her to see friends and family she likes.

Tell her to go to woman’s aid if she needs help or her GP as she’s depressed. She may be intimidated by you. Or maybe not. We don’t know coz we don’t hear her side.

Stop buying booze. If she wants it she can walk to the shop and get it. But if you do love her and aren’t controlling, talk to her about it because she will end up in hospital if she continues drinking at this rate.

No offence if I’ve picked you up wrong. There are so many women in here who are stuck with men they don’t love and they aren’t happy. But it may not be your situation.