Page 5 | Why would a happily married man be pursuing another woman?

GnomeDePlume · 23/10/2023 06:47

A director I knew was a user, a liar and a cheat in so many ways.

He told lies as easily as breathing.

He would have flings with women at work then use them to cover up his mistakes. Women fell for his flattery and would do his bidding.

Eventually his whole house of cards fell down. He got caught in a fairly substantial lie which he couldn't wriggle out of.

He was forced to resign and include in his resignation that this substantial lie (falsifying business results) was entirely his responsibility.

So for him the cheating was just part of his persona. He is now divorced and hasn't been able to get a permanent role since.

justwatchingtelly · 23/10/2023 06:55

Oh come on op.

You sound flattered by the attention.

Don't be

GuitarGeorge · 23/10/2023 07:27

boredom
not happily married after all
ego boost
fantasy

seemingly happily married men do this all the time (as do women, becusse it takes two to tango)

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 23/10/2023 08:04

EnjoythemoneyJane · 23/10/2023 06:37

I mean … are you really such a sweet summer child that you can’t possibly imagine why people cheat?

Or is this a ‘what, lil old me?’ bit of disingenuousness while you wait to be given a list of all the wonderful ways in which you might be special and different from his wife?

Do you think he might be ‘in love’ with you, OP? Spoiler alert: he’s not.

This. A decent man who had genuinely fallen out of love with his wife and in love with someone else would get a divorce then look up the ‘new woman’ to see if she is interested.

At best he doesn’t want to blow up his comfortable home until he is sure the jump off is in place. At worst (and far more likely), he is looking for a shag on the side.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 23/10/2023 08:19

I was vulnerable and he liked feeling like the saviour. Think it probably turned him on.

He wasn't overly happy at home and regularly came to work on the back of a big fight.

We worked together very closely, travelled together a lot, and ended up emotionally very close just through the sheer amount of time we spent together.

I was his type and he was mine 🤷🏻‍♀️

OneLollipop · 23/10/2023 08:24

Why would a seemingly happily married man with no obvious reason to be unhappy behave this way?

Because the idea that people only cheat if they are unhappily married is a complete myth. Most people who cheat do so because they feel entitled to do so and because they lack respect (not love) for their partner. Plenty of happily married people who love their spouses will cheat on them because they want to and don't feel that they ought not to.

What does he actually want to receive from this other woman that he surely cannot receive from his wife?

The thrill of the chase, the adulation that you can't get from someone with whom you live (who sees all of you and thus doesn't think you're some sort of amazing super human romantic hero, because they see you pick your nose or hear you fart or have to put up with your other irritating domestic habits like leaving your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor or whatever). You are again conflating an affair with a "legitimate" or public relationship. Affairs are not to replace marriage relationships or engaged in because the marriage is somehow substandard, adulterers believe affairs are to be enjoyed alongside their main relationship and scratch a different itch so to speak.

bronkie · 23/10/2023 08:29

Oh yes and they "deserve it".

Ggttl · 23/10/2023 08:40

Because they like the ego boost, thrill of the chase and want sex with someone else. I know plenty of people who have cheated. It has never been about the person they are with or the person they have cheated with. It is always about themselves.

ginasevern · 23/10/2023 10:14

@IlluminaLaminate

Because men are programmed to fuck as many women as possible. The only thing stopping them is the fear of getting caught and even that doesn't work for a lot (too many) of them. Men can compartmentalise sex and love quite easily. Women (usually) find this much harder. Men also have bigger and more predatory egos which have evolved to ensure the spread of their seed. I wish I had a pound for every pot bellied, balding, middle aged (and married) man who tried to chat me up when I was a pretty 18 year old. Basically men will seek any opportunity to use their dicks. Doesn't matter if they are deliriously happy with a beautiful wife, living in a mansion and with perfect kids. They are programmed to drag you into the cave.

MistletoeHolly · 23/10/2023 10:26

ginasevern · 23/10/2023 10:14

@IlluminaLaminate

Because men are programmed to fuck as many women as possible. The only thing stopping them is the fear of getting caught and even that doesn't work for a lot (too many) of them. Men can compartmentalise sex and love quite easily. Women (usually) find this much harder. Men also have bigger and more predatory egos which have evolved to ensure the spread of their seed. I wish I had a pound for every pot bellied, balding, middle aged (and married) man who tried to chat me up when I was a pretty 18 year old. Basically men will seek any opportunity to use their dicks. Doesn't matter if they are deliriously happy with a beautiful wife, living in a mansion and with perfect kids. They are programmed to drag you into the cave.

Yes, and ignore you like yesterdays trash when they have got their validation/lay.

Spidersfreakmeout · 23/10/2023 10:45

Validation, ego boost, power, control, easily able to compartmentalise, selfishness, entitlement, just wanting more.

Take your pick, but all are thoroughly unpleasant traits!

What a creep!

Spidersfreakmeout · 23/10/2023 10:50

The ‘unhappy marriage’ narrative is total bs and classic victim blaming wish it’d die a death on these threads!

Frasers · 23/10/2023 10:51

Spidersfreakmeout · 23/10/2023 10:50

The ‘unhappy marriage’ narrative is total bs and classic victim blaming wish it’d die a death on these threads!

Edited

But it’s a fact. Doesn’t make it palatable or right. But it would be wrong to pretend people don’t fall into or seek affairs as they are unhappy in their marriage and for various reasons don’t feel able to leave.

Spidersfreakmeout · 23/10/2023 11:05

No it’s not a fact, affair psychology has moved on from this sort of sweeping statement nonsense. It might be for the female friend you knew or whatever, but it most certainly is unlikely to be the case here. Two separate studies into people that cheat found that half declared themselves happy in their marriages. The unhappy marriage works on the ‘needs met’ belief the idea that we can control another persons behaviour by meeting all their ‘needs’ and keeping them happy. It helps some people feel safer in their marriages but ultimately it’s just victim blaming.

Weddingpuzzle · 23/10/2023 11:09

I think a lot of affairs are started because people are bored. There is a lot of intolerance in humans to being bored, especially in this day and age, where everything is so instant and available. When I see married men and women blowing their families life apart I look at them and wonder why they are so impulsive - everyone experiences boredom, especially as you get older and nothing is 'new' anymore, they'll inevitably eventually get bored in their new lives or get bored with the affair.

Learning to accept this and cope with it is probably one of the biggest life skills and steps to self-actualisation. Once you accept or even welcome boredom in your life, you don't have to deal with the shitstorm of different emotions you inadvertantly stir up by trying to alleviate boredom (whether it's by using affairs, substances, alcohol, food etc). Wish we could teach it at school - it's okay to be bored!

Spidersfreakmeout · 23/10/2023 11:09

Sorry reread your post and I don’t think you’re saying all affairs have unhappy marriages behind them. I meant when all affairs are explained in this way which is on this thread, of course some have this as the ‘excuse’ still wrong though.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/10/2023 11:14

Being unhappily married does not equal cheating. IME they have nothing to do with each other. I’ve known many unhappily married people who did not cheat and never would have dreamed of it.

It’s pure ego and selfishness

EvenBetta · 23/10/2023 11:17

If a married man cam sniffing around me I’d obviously be repulsed and not interact with him at all, but I’d also be insulted he thought I was stupid enough to potentially fall for whatever drivel he came out with, to get a fuck.

Certainly wouldn’t be starting internet threads, trying to analyse him 😄it’d be a better use of your time watching paint dry.

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2023 11:31

Biology is a cruel joke really.

Mummysgogetter · 23/10/2023 11:51

Yeah as I said earlier, it’s all about the dopamine highs one gets from the ‘newness’ aspect of a potential other. No different to people seeking out drugs, food or alcohol. Something to give us a high and raise us from the humdrum of everyday life and routine.

Ohdearanotheryear · 23/10/2023 12:21

He thinks you are available fir sex with him and will probably not mind that he is married @IlluminaLaminate .

Fancies a bit of casual sex

TheGoogleMum · 23/10/2023 12:25

They might not be so happy. Or he's shitty and wants some extra attention! Some men are like this and cheat despite being happy, if they get caught they beg for forgiveness and want to stay (so why cheat in the first place?)

thesurrealist · 23/10/2023 12:27

Earhell · 22/10/2023 21:48

Less people are naturally monogamous than you'd think. I'm loyal to my dh and have integrity yet I still occasionally end up seeing someone else. I'm thankful I can be honest and open with him but would continue to see others even if I couldn't tell him. I'm still loyal to him and committed to our marriage.

I think this is the reason in a lot of cases. I am friends with a couple who genuinely have an open marriage: he has discreet long term affairs with women and she has short lived, but passionate and very physical affairs with other men. They stay together because of kids, family, church. They are each other's best friend and neither have any desire to find anyone else to replace the other.

Another couple I know...he's very unhappy in the marriage, but feels trapped because he has MH issues and she is good at dealing with those episodes when they occur. He admits to feeling anxious and helpless at the idea of dealing with it on his own; he also knows that his MH problems are due in part because he is feeling so unhappy in his marriage, so it's a perfect storm really. We have a female mutual friend and I'm noticing that they are becoming closer...she's very supportive of him and he confides in her....and well, I can see something happening between them at some point soon.

Other couples....he's a dick and just wants to shag anything.

It's complicated, just as people are complicated and no one explanation suits every man.
One of the things I learned when I was going through my divorce was that there are a lot more unhappy people than we think in marriages.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 24/10/2023 12:23

Because he wants to use what he can see as an easy lay for sex.

A man can be happily married and still sleep around, he just doesn’t respect the wife or the person he’s using for sex, unfortunately some women have huge egos and think that it’s more than that, then they get hurt and go on to hurt the wife by telling her.

And No that’s not me blaming the other woman and not the man, that’s me saying in a scenario where you know the man is married and still take it upon yourself to have sex with him, stay in your lane and remember you’re as loved as his right hand don’t think that he cares, your use is for that simple thing.