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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why would a happily married man be pursuing another woman?

124 replies

IlluminaLaminate · 22/10/2023 20:33

I am wondering about a married man I know. He is below 35, been with wife since university, married around five years ago. Seemingly unproblematic marriage, financially stable, planning holidays with wife and wife’s family in a few months.

Yet, despite all this is seeking another woman’s affections and wants this attention returned. Why would a seemingly happily married man with no obvious reason to be unhappy behave this way? What does he actually want to receive from this other woman that he surely cannot receive from his wife?

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 22/10/2023 22:06

Because he’s a twat.

PixiePirate · 22/10/2023 22:10

More to the point, what could he possibly have to offer another woman? He’d have to have a pretty low opinion of both his wife and the woman he’s pursuing to think they’d want to share his time and attention.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/10/2023 22:12

He's doing it because he can. My ex husband was like this. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't me. It was his desperate need for validation, he needed to feel the "honeymoon" phase constantly. He needed the attention. He loved the chase. It didn't matter what they looked like, it was just because he could
and he was in a position to be able to get away with it. If you're the target, walk away. Nothing good will come of it and like me, you'll end up in a clinic being tested for STD's because you have no idea how many women he's had his cock in. Yuk.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 22/10/2023 22:13

Sex

KimberleyClark · 22/10/2023 22:17

Some men who cheat are unhappily married, but I don’t think men necessarily need to be unhappily married in order to cheat. Some of them just enjoy the risk and excitement and feel entitled to have what they want.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 22/10/2023 22:18

He's a coward who wants to get his dick wet and stay married, even if he is in an unhappy marriage.

Steer clear.

FairyPolka · 22/10/2023 22:19

It doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage in unhappy. Attention from someone we feel attracted to can be incredibly intoxicating. It’s a slippery slope that really is best nipped in the bud.

Nowherenew · 22/10/2023 22:21

I don’t think anyone who is happy would cheat.

I think they can be content/quite happy but not fully happy, else they wouldn’t go looking for something else.

My (ex) friend cheats on his partner and will say he loves her but will admit that she is the safe bet and that he has no plans to leave her.
She isn’t exactly what he wants but she’s nice, fun and takes care of him.

He is happy to a point but not truly happy.
But he wouldn’t risk breaking up with her and risk being less happy/content than he is now.

Elvis1956 · 22/10/2023 22:23

As a man I can say with complete confidence that he wants to prove he is still "the man" that he can get any woman he wants into bed. He doesn't want affection, he wants an ego boost...and sex boosts that ego more than the flash car or the big house.
Thankfully , I've always been more interested in having a beer and making people laugh...that boosts my ego.

SD1978 · 22/10/2023 22:23

Because he wants sex, or it's not as idyllic as you assume. Regardless, he'd rather have a side piece than adress the issues in the marriage, so he's a dick. He's not a good bloke, he's a sleazy bastard trying to get his leg over.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2023 22:23

He’s thinking with his dick. He’s not considering the consequences of his actions because that doesn’t concern him. Boys can get into the habit of pursuing girls, love bombing and then being in a relationship for a short while before discarding and going on to the next. Some never grow up and the pattern can be set into adulthood and replay periodically even when in a so called committed relationship.

As boys, they likely didn’t realised the carnage they were causing. As men, they do to some degree, but are more concerned with self gratification. If you want to be caught up in all this op, please know you’re hurting yourself and his wife / partner.

TeaGinandFags · 22/10/2023 22:25

dammit88 · 22/10/2023 20:34

sex probably!

This.

And because some men like having their bread buttered both sides.

If it's not you he's after, I'd make sure the lady knows he's married with children if not his holiday plans.

lookingforMolly · 22/10/2023 22:38

I've been asked 'for a drink' by quite a few 'happily married' men usually in the workplace & always said no.
My sex life may be boring but at least I've got self respect!

Why do happily married men chase women?
Because they can!!

Miamonthly · 22/10/2023 22:39

What does he actually want to receive from this other woman that he surely cannot receive from his wife?

Sex

Hijohn · 22/10/2023 22:46

@FairyPolka what fairy says. Everyone can get high and mighty in here but attention can be appealing sometimes but it’s not worth it, get off the slope.

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 22:52

Because he's an absolute cheating shitbag, who wants a bit of strange.

MariaLuna · 22/10/2023 23:06

Men are ruled by their dick.

Not all of course. Thank god.

Takes time to know one,

DeeCeeCherry · 22/10/2023 23:10

Sex, ego stroke, excitement of somebody different. Human beings arent swans, there are many people out there who can't be faithful for life. You're already musing about him and feeling the urge to post about him for discussion. You're naive, that shows in your question even the way youve worded it. Any woman should know the answer. You're going to get your fingers burnt, good luck tho

shardash · 22/10/2023 23:12

Maybe he's not getting enough at home because his wife's pregnant. That is very often a time when some men go off and find someone else to shag instead.

PoloMintRoll · 22/10/2023 23:16

Sex, fun, excitement, novelty, ego boost.

Unlikely he wants to leave the wife, or he'd do that without cheating.

Relationships can get 'boring' for some people.

He's weak with no moral compass.

SunnyBunny17 · 22/10/2023 23:32

Who said he's unhappy? He's doing this because he's a slag, that's all there is to it. Open and shut case.

Plenty of happily married men cheat on their wives but have zero feelings for the women they cheat with and absolutely no intention of ever leaving the wife.

It'll be a quick shag, a few If you're lucky, and then he'll do the slow fade whilst you drive yourself insane looking for hidden meaning in the text exchanges you had and convincing yourself that he was just so into you but can't be with you because of the kids, dog, house, etc.

You will romanticise and rewrite the whole thing into some star crossed lovers situation and become increasingly bitter towards his wife who is obviously the problem in all of this.

Eventually you will reach out to her, probably anonymously, and tell her about the affair. He'll tell her your mental or if bang to rights he'll cry and beg and tell her it meant nothing, which will be true.

She will stay with him, probably because of a sunk cost fallacy and the kids, dog, house..

He will go completely NC with you if he hadn't already and you'll spend months in a state of utter heartbreak as you try to get over him - still resenting the wife and convinced that if she'd have just fucked off or not threatened to "take the kids" he'd have left her in the first place and would be with you by now.

Meanwhile in his world - they work on their marriage and probably have some couples counselling then before long the marriage is back on track. Eventually, another gullible (presumably) young woman catches his eye and the cycle begins again.

He wouldn't come back to you though because you'd already served your purpose and proven yourself to be too much hard work, he only wanted a shag.. not an emotional woman pecking his head trying to get him to leave his wife.

Your self esteem will be crushed and you'll struggle to trust men because after all, you've seen how the "good ones" behave haven't you?

You have nothing to gain from this and everything to lose. Block, delete, move on.

whynotwhatknot · 22/10/2023 23:35

because hes a nasty prick

SwingTheMonkey · 22/10/2023 23:45

@SunnyBunny17
Absolute cracker of an answer 👏🏻

LifeExperience · 22/10/2023 23:46

Some men crave variety. It's disgusting in a married man, but no less true.

ACGTHelix · 23/10/2023 00:02

sometimes its also the chance for different activites, that are appealing ?