To think I should stop working to support ND son?

[Sunshineandclouds11]

More of a ‘wwyd’ than an AIBU. And to see if anyone else has done the same for same reason.

Son is in reception. ASD & ADHD. I know they don’t like this term anymore but he is high functioning - not sure how else to describe. But needs help from OT and also school have highlighted SLT would be helpful to help understanding of language. And then mild ADHD. Though doesn’t feel mild when trying to manage it…

My 3 year old daughter is NT although frustratingly is copying her brother’s behaviour which is tough 😔

My husband and I work FT…he travels for work A LOT. I like my job but don’t love it and feel like my son would benefit from having me around given his challenges.

I suppose my issue is whenever I mention this to anyone they have the same aghast reaction, giving up my job, the money & pension etc etc. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but I just wish someone would say yes, I can understand why you would want to do that for your son/family instead of issuing warnings.

anyway, any words of wisdom appreciated. I feel so mixed up.

(so as not to drip feed, my husband is a high earner so money wouldn’t be an issue in totality, but obviously I wouldn’t be earning my own money if I give up work)

Is there a compromise, ie you go part time. I totally understand you wanting to support your son and I'm sure you being there after school would be ideal for him. But it's not always a all or nothing situation, after all he will be spending a reasonable amount of time in school.

Has your son been diagnosed? Does he have an EHCP?

I know they don’t like this term anymore but he is high functioning - not sure how else to describe

well, what was his diagnosis?

Who are you mentioning it to?

the only people that matter are you and your husband

what does he think?

As long as you can afford it and you’re happy to give up work, I think it’s a great idea. You’ll have more time to support both children and be less tired from managing your DS’s extra needs along with work/general life.

I would try and stay working PT if you can, for your own mental health and if you need your career later (divorce or something going wrong with your husband)

But I think it’s totally reasonable that you both being FT is too tough if you have a choice

I stopped work in a similar scenario.

I have to admit that it was 50% about supporting my child. The other 50% was my own exhaustion from 4 years of juggling my own City job with terrible sleep, medical appointments, “incident” calls from nursery and worries about possible diagnoses. Like you. DH not very present due to work. I was burned out basically.

Overall I don’t regret it but I do have some lingering resentment that my career got nuked partly because DH was so consumed with work so all the DC stuff was all on me. Can your DH change his career to be around/involved more, so that you can continue your career at least in some way?

Do what is best for you and your family. Everyone will react according to their own life and experience. Whatever you decide does not have to be permanent. I took a year out to support a child with health issues then got a new part time job that made it easier to manage.

I didn't give up work completely, but I did work part time so I was around for school pick up at 3.00 and the decompression after school.

My situation was that he found school very hard to negotiate - emotionally, academically and socially so being there at the end of the school day was very important. After school or child care was not an option. He was adopted as well, so there were many interwoven layers.

Eventually I ended up homeschooling for a couple of years.

I am not saying this will happen to you, but it's good you are thinking about the "what ifs" because it's good to have a plan B.

He is 21 now, only recently diagnosed with Autism - it was blindingly obvious to me, family and friends that he was either autistic or had ADHD or both - but school was not in agreement, hence the late diagnosis for autism and he is on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment. I parented as if he was diagnosed, made far more sense.

He gets PIP for daily living and I am still more involved in his day to day existence than is normal for a lad of that age, so you need to think long term too.

If you can find a way to keep some form of income that would be good. DS is working at the moment, but it's hit and miss, so we have been financially supporting him, including paying for driving lessons which are a couple of hundred pounds a month.

Also, work is a good escape, it was good to be "me" not just "mum".

I have two autistic sons - one in mainstream and one in a specialist provision.

I work about 25-30 hours a week and have a very understanding manager.

It’s hard sometimes but I need to for my sanity. Giving up work would be a last resort for me.

Thank you. This is 100 times more helpful than the people I’ve mentioned it to who have no experience of any of these situations.

@minipie this really resonated with me. I also feel burnt out from managing it all - alongside the ND issues. I think they are what tip the balance for me though. And I also think I might feel that same resentment. DH job is extremely full on so not much he can (or would tbh) change. One worry I do have is that at the moment he is forced to respect my job and work hours to a certain extent and that he would become complacent because I’m always at home…but that’s a separate issue I guess!!

I could perhaps think about retraining or doing something that can be done more flexibly at some point in the future.

thanks everyone for your replies.

Who on earth are you close enough to confide in this life changing decision - and you have responded so unsupportively ?

what about your husband? The only view you should be interested I.

I would definitely worry that without your work hours your dh or his job would take full advantage also the loss of pension and freedom should you ever split. I’d try personally for part time hours if you can a kinda best of both while keeping your own career and freedom as such.

Different situation. Am the higher earner (not sounding higher as in your DH levels) but have an autistic DD. Am sat here tweaking the EHCP parent contribution part now (taking a break from it). I would try and hold onto some work if you can. I get it, this is ALL on me, DH has not clue about any of it. I did end up taking some time off in the summer as it was not sustainable. I have cut back at work as much as I can and keen not to go off sick again. I need work personally but the balance is brutal. I absolutely hear you.

Other people outside of this do not understand. I have given up trying to explain to others, even those around me tbh.

I went part time.

My husband had to also change jobs from one that travelled so much to one that didnt.

We both had to adapt to the situation, not just me.

Ds is autistic and has medical issues on top of that. I worked when he was younger and up to when he was in year 1 and then I realised I was making myself ill and not being able to do anything well.

i stopped working at that point and don’t regret it. Ds is in year 9 now and over the last 12 months I have been able to go back to work very part time, I’m hoping to build it up more over time but not rushing anything.

you need to do what is right for your family.

Would it be possible to go part time? Family life with an ND child can be challenging. It's really important to retain your own sense of self and not feel that all you do is facilitate the lives of your DH and DC.

Part time not an option in my current role. My work are fairly good about being flexible but realistically it’s a full time role. I could explore another sort of part time job though.

@purplepandas your response made me emotional. It’s exactly this. People don’t get it. And as a family I feel like we are starting to slip under the water. We were treading water until now but I am tired. And so is my DH.

Hi Op

I know how you feel. My situation is that I’m a single parent and can’t stop working full time. But my son (now 9) has similar needs to yours, it sounds.

I always feel really guilt that I can’t cut down hours to support him. I would think going part time (maybe mornings only if you can?) would work well for your son.

On the flip side, I think giving up work entirely might not be brilliant for your MH because it can be a bit of a struggle on ever being with your ND children - some contrast can be nice.

Have you looked into DLA for your son? I'd advise calling "Contact A Family" or Citizens Advice to get their advice on whether he's likely to qualify. If he gets DLA, you could stop working and claim carer's allowance - it's a small amount but protects your NI record.

However, to begin with I'd recommend making a flexible working request to try and reduce your days/hours. You might find that helps.

Personally I work part-time (3 days a week), my oldest is similar to yours, and my youngest is 3 as well. Frankly, work feels like a break compared to parenting them. I do enjoy my job though.

How would you feel about solo parenting throughout the school holidays? Because that's what SAHPs have to do. I find the summer holidays hard enough and that's using a mix of childcare options (family holiday for 2 weeks, DH and I do some each solo, occasional holiday club, and 1 or 2 days of family help).

This is pretty much my exact scenario. We started to really understand that DS1 (now age 6) was ND around age 4, even though we had suspected for years before that. For a while we just kept trying to go on as "normal." But now realise our life is different and better to accept that and pivot than square peg round hole. We also have a younger DS2 who is 4 who we think is mostly NT but does copy all of DS1 dysregulated behaviour. It's so tough and exhausting. I haven't given up my career fully. I am an independent contractor so I am able to make my schedule generally around what I need. Gives me some autonomy and outlet, especially because I love what I do. But there is a bit of resentment I have to remember to keep at bay. My career hasn't stopped but I haven't ever been able to fully throw myself into it and devote myself to growing. But it's truly what's best for our family at the moment. My DS's need support and a safe place to land. It's hard being that place, but I'd rather it be me than someone/something else.

Cross post. Sorry. Could you request some unpaid leave to give yourself a bit of thinking/breathing room? As a parent you're entitled to it.

I'd look for part time jobs if I were you. Claim DLA. But keep working at least until he gets DLA and you can claim Carer's Allowance.

I have a son with ASD and I would really urge caution about giving up work completely. If you and dh split, what would happen? We were in a similar situation. In our case, Dh and I both dropped to PT. Would that be possible?

@SaracensMavericks i do worry about that a lot, the just facilitating others’ lives. But then I feel like I do that anyway tbh. And work full time in a paid job 😔

Maybe your husband could look into a less demanding role that enables him to travel less, be more present and support his wife and family more?